Phigment

I'd like to think I'm not alone in this boat but, by nature, I think I always find I need to reassure myself that I'm not. I don't know how to deal with the AH making the statement, "Maybe we shouldn't look at my drinking but, why my drinking bothers you so much."

When I truly think about it, I really do not know the answer to this question. I'm not sure why I can tolerate my best friend getting buzzed or drunk, to the point we have to actually help him walk, yet hearing my other half with the slightest slur in his voice sends me into a rage.

I tried to think, maybe this has something to do with the person I'm in love with and maybe somewhere in my past or childhood, there were issues with someone I was supposed to feel safe with drinking. I do not ever remember either of my parents drinking much at all. My paternal grandfather though, that's another story, I don't really remember a time he didn't have a beer in hand either in the house or on road trips while he was driving.

This is, coincidentally, the same grandfather who I've since found out molested both of my sisters. Both of them are younger than I am and they will still on occasion ask me if he ever did anything to me. While I know he apparently had a thing for little girls, I don't think he had a thing for little boys so, my stock answer when they ask is, "I don't think so or at least I cannot remember it."

Try as I might though, this is the ONLY thing I can keep coming back to as something which might have set in motion a life-long aversion to the person who is supposed to love, cherish and protect me drinking.

Long way of trying to find out how anyone else in the same situation might deal with the whole, let's not look at MY problem, lets look at YOUR problem.

sober4metoday

I'm sorry but huh?? You lost me! I'm assuming you don't have a problem with alcohol but others around you may and that angers you?

Phigment

I'm sorry - I'll blame it on the lack of coffee at the time I was writing. Actually it is that I only have a problem with alcohol when my AH is the one drinking. If friends or family members are drinking themselves under a table, I don't seem to get upset but, when he has the least little bit, it makes me furious.

ReadyAndAble

Hi, Phigment. Well, it's a very different relationship than a friend or sibling. And your husband trying to make it about you... well that's par for the course, I'm afraid. Alcoholics are highly skilled at deflecting responsibility—I'm sure he's actually convinced himself that it's not his problem, it's everyone else's problem that they don't like it. I know I managed to believe that for a long time.

You'll find a lot of people who have dealt with this in our friends & family of alcoholics section: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

zxcirce

Perhaps it's because you take his drinking personally/as an attack on you, and you don't feel that way about other people's drinking.

sober4metoday

Gotcha. Could very well be unresolved issues on your part. I too had parents that didn't really drink yet my maternal grandfather always had a beer. And I adored my grandfather - he was so funny and kind. I can remember at 6 or 7 years old being "allowed" to have a sip of his PBR. I'm an alcoholic and this is probably when my relationship with alcohol began. When I was a teenager I found out that my grandfather had molested my mother and my aunt. Holy crap! I couldn't believe it. I felt betrayed and dirty (although I don't recall him ever molesting me). This is probably when my love-hate relationship began with men as well as a deep rooted distrust towards my parents (why in the hell did they leave me alone with that man!!). LOTS of issues. Therapy helps identify and work through it.

I'd talk with someone and open up. It makes perfect sense that you could feel this way. Good luck!

womaninprogress

For me, when I was living with my ABF I couldn't stand his drinking because it would effect MY life as much as his if he were to lose his job, or get arrested, or get in an accident and kill someone. We have alot more invested in our life partners then we do friends. We stand to lose alot more if our significant others take risks with OUR life we built or want to build together.

macknacat

and then there is that part of me who no longer wishes myself to be anything less than 'Present" - how could i be in a relationship with someone who is "absent"?