Elisabeth888

I am in AA, but I want other perspectives on this. I have talked about all of this with my sponsor and she tells me to pray about it and that it will take time. (I am on step 6) But I am an alcoholic and I want it to be fixed NOW! And my husband wants it fixed now too, I should add.

J/K, I know that is not possible. I just really want some feedback.

So I have all of this baggage that consists of really stupid and rude things I have said/done to my spouse. He brings up stuff I did all the time. I have expressed that I do not want to relive the past and I acknowledge that I have hurt him and put him through a lot. I have told him I am committed to a new way of life which includes being honest and as selfless as I can be.

He does not think I understand what he has been through. He will not go to Alanon. I am trying to understand it as much as I can, but it just makes me feel like crap, and I do not want to drink over this. And I think telling me specific things I did is not really all that cleansing after a certain point.

Also, if we have a disagreement and I get snappy he gets VERY ANGRY and talks about the past as a response.

All I can say is I AM SORRY. I am changing. WTF else am I supposed to do?

Can anyone relate? Please say yes!

Orbea

I was going to say alanon...would he be willing to seek individual private council?

Fubarcdn

I can totally relate.
I quit drinking in 2009 on an ultimatum from my wife to quit or leave.
It took a good six months before the forgiveness became somewhat genuine and heartfelt on her part. It may take your SO more time or less time but if you keep doing the right thing it will probably come.
I thought that there was some manipulation on her part if there was a disagreement but it was something that she deserved to have for a time.
That is my experience.

Elisabeth888

I relate to that. I am having such a hard time keeping my mouth shut.

Part of me wants to say forget it. I am sure that is the alcoholic in me though. Being reminded of the embarrassing things I did is humbling. But is me feeling bad supposed to help by making him feel better?

I doubt that it is a technique to help people stay sober.

And no, he is not leaning towards outside help. If I did not have AA , SR and a sponsor I would not be sober now.

desertsong

We are changing and we are working hard on our recovery, and it doesn't happen overnight. We also have to remember that our loved ones are not going to heal overnight either. As we go along, stuff from the past is inevitably going to come up and will have to be dealt with. That's okay. We are healing, and our loved ones are healing too. It takes time. There are going to be situations where the junk from the past is inevitably going to be brought up. It could be today, tomorrow, 6 months from now or years from now. That's okay. We just need to accept it and make amends where we can. We can only hope that our loved ones won't use our mistakes from the past to manipulate us or make us feel bad ... that would be wrong on their part, for sure. And if that is happening, you need to address it. Keep working that humility and when you do, ask yourself if your loved one is using it to keep you on your knees (as payback) ... or if he is just sharing his pain for the first time. Hard to distinguish sometimes, but worth looking at.

Sapling

TIME...Things I Must Earn....Just don't let him beat you to death on it.

saphira

I can definitely relate. I have done and said awful things to my husband in the past. He has forgiven me for all of it (he says) and he actually has been really good about most of it. If we get in an argument however or I'm trying to talk to him about something that bothers me he will bring things up... Almost like I don't have a right to feel those things because of what I put him through. I had to keep apologizing but then explain that hearing those things doesn't help me stay sober. It's gotten better little by little. I would just keep talking openly about it to him. Yes we need to take responsibility for things that we've done but we also need to stay sober which I couldn't do when constantly reminded of how much I've messed up.

Elisabeth888

Thank you. I just need to feel like there are people that relate. My sponsor is divorced and was not married during the height of her addiction.

sober4metoday

It's tough to know what to do in your situation. There are so many factors at play within the dynamic of a "normal" relationship, much less one that has been touch by addiction. I guess you can just keep praying and working the steps and hopefully you'll find an answer that provides you with the peace you deserve.

Sapling

Hey Elisabeth888...I was curious when you did your 5th step? Recently?

Elisabeth888

It was about a month ago.

Sapling

Why are you on step 6?....Is that something your sponsor wants?...I did 6 & 7 right after my 5th step....You should be working your 9th step and maybe starting with your hubby.

sugarbear1

step 6 is an hour of reflection, move on to 7, 8, 9. Stopping on ANY step may take us back out. revisit 3, you made a decision, talk to sponsor about 4 (or do another based only on your hubby), then 5, 6, 7, 8, 9....just possibilities. Find another sponsor who is in your situation (similar thing happened to a friend so she changed to a married sponsor), talk with married women before or after the meetings who are in your shoes. Pray, meditate, there is a solution!

by working the steps, i got out of self and more into others....

zxcirce

All I want to say is I know exactly what you mean. Hurt feelings on both sides, lack of trust, feeling like things are thrown in your face when it might be just the way they are working through the situation (on both sides). Feeling scared to bring up any valid relationship issues because we have "caused so much pain". It's hard. And I don't have any answers. But it's normal I think. And yes....time. The one thing we don't want to hear...is the thing that we need to.

Missy7

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm at Day 8 and my husband has been very, very kind, but I've been afraid he might say something to me that would hurt me, and I don't know if I could continue to struggle through this battle if he did. You might share that with your husband--not as a threat.

Does your husband drink? Is that a part of this somehow?

My husband is not actually above saying very mean things, but something happened just before my most recent "quit" and he got scared. Now he's motivated to help me stop. It's a heck of a change. Last year I was on here trying, but he wasn't motivated--which didn't help. Now, he's almost in charge. I'm not even sure what happened to convince him...

concor

If it sucks that bad, leave.
I did & in my case, it didn't take long to realize the majority of my problems stemmed from being neck deep in an unhealthy relationship.

Elisabeth888

I don't know why I am on my 6th step. We are going to do step 6&7 together- I have these worksheets with character defects that I need to fill out but haven't yet. I guess school has been keeping me busy. I am going to get those done this morning. I haven't meant to have been sitting on this step- I have been writing in my journal and reading the 12&12 and BB everyday on 6 and 7.

She has been my sponsor for a year- the longest I have ever had one and I don't want to jump ship until I get through the steps. That was my pattern before, and I think I used switching sponsors as an excuse to drink.

He does drink and he thinks this should in no way affect me.

I DO feel like I can't bring up relationship issues because of the past.

I will take the advice given here. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much it means.