Amends questions
 

I've been going to AA with regularity and despite had a few slips feel like I'm really working through my "stuff." I've gotten to the stage where I realize I'll probably be in the "making amends" process fairly soon.

My question is this: I was in a relationship where I hurt the person deeply. Cheating, lying, etc. After we split we exchanged a few emails and at one point agreed to meet for coffee. My intention was to apologize and let her vent at me. At the last moment, she backed off and said she couldn't reengage because it would stir up too much negativity. This was a year ago and I never answered her "I can't meet email". Does anyone have advice about how to handle this? I don't want to violate her boundary but it seems like a gaping hole to leave her off my list of people to apologize to. A letter maybe? That way if she wants to not open it she can?

I assume this happens to others and that there is a way to handle making amends/taking ownership in a respectful, non provocative way?

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Hi and welcome Eliz181144 :)
what does your sponsor say?

D

She is extremely spiritual and very Higher Power centric - said that pure intentions will come through. I still feel it's slightly touchy.

Dee is right- what does your sponsor say? When i got to steps 8 and 9- working the previous steps meant that my sponsor knew enough about me to act as a trusted guide... He was capable of telling me when he sensed it was 'only' fear stopping me and when he thought he could detect motives other than me cleaning my side of the street....
And he definitely called me out when i was really trying to manipulate myself into the 'victim' chair...
kinda valuable , those sponsors...

I do not do AA but I did do amends.
In this case I would think that sending a letter or an MSN offline message might be the best way to go but it is probably something you should run by your sponsor.
Good luck.

what step are you on today?

8. Though we also talked this issue to death on step 4 and 5. My sponsor is wonderful and amazingly patient with my endless ruminationabout this. I think we're just parting on the "except when to do so would injure them or others" piece.

I will admit that I don't work the program yet, and was a little surprised by the deference to the sponsor. I guess if I think about it, if your sponsor really is a trusted advisor to you, then he/she will know if you are truly ready - i.e. honest in motive, and aware enough to do it, without justification or attempt to assign blame. With that said, please put my forthcoming opinion in the context of not knowing the proper protocols or responsibility of amends.

[I will write this opinion in a directive voice - please don't take it as offensive or authoritative...it's just a writing style]


I'd suggest that you send her a note. You are fully transparent, and acknowledge that you left her prior email hanging. You let her know that you have hit a juncture in your sobriety where you need to do right by her, and acknowledge the failures of your actions in the relationship. You be very specific that you are aware of the potential manipulation of emotions that can happen from such an amend process, and that you don't do it with irresponsible or manipulative intent. I'd close with the acknowledgment that a non-response from her is perfectly acceptable, and that she is not on the hook for curing or accepting your crazy - but now that your are of clear mind, you felt the duty to reconcile the damage you caused. Finally, give her an out. Let her know that even if she wants to chat, that maybe 3 or 4 weeks should pass before you do. If for nothing else, to give her time to reconcile her thoughts and to fortify her enough so as not to follow-up with you out of emotion, but of clear headedness.

........but then again, I'm a bit cookoo, so feel free to ignore.

I'm not in AA but I believe in amends...

If you want my personal view...

there were people who made it clear that they wanted nothing more to do with me...sometimes there were people who I'd lost touch with...sometimes there were people who I considered it might be injurious to both or either of us to engage in contact.

Sometimes I had to send my amends out into the Universe, as it were....

D

Making direct amends the AA way means not doing 'simply apologies' no matter how honestly felt. Amends means setting things as right as possible with the persons who have been wronged. Sometimes direct amends are not possible and so living amends can perhaps suffice which means that the offender has taken responsibility for the offences and wrongs and has changed their lives to not repeat those wrongs.

It is vitally important the the person receiving the amends wants to be contacted and involved with the process. It cannot be at their expense emotionally or mentally or otherwise of course.

Making amends is not about getting honest, clearing our side of the street by confessing this and that, and saying "I'm sorry"

And sometimes the best amends that are made is when the persons who have been wronged are simply left alone after they have been contacted because they simply wish it so. They do not have to agree to the process and that is best respected. It is not proper to attempt to convince anybody to accept the amends processs.

Work with your sponsor absolutely and with the Big Book for directions. :)

Thank you for such great answers. Much appreciated. This is such an intense process at times, it's great to have so much real time support.

Step 8 is making the list, step 9 is working closely with a sponsor. RobbyRobot said it well. Sometimes we do hurt others more through contacting them. They may also be working through the situation in their own way. This is time for a great deal of prayer and meditation.

Best Wishes,