mwstylee

I had about a month or so of sober time, then got a promotion at work last week and didn't know how to celebrate. I decided to get large bottle of Sam Adams and have just that to reward myself. It turned into a 6 day bender...1 to 2 bottles of vodka a day. I had my last drink last night and I feel like hell today. Joint pain, chills, shaky hands and all my nerves feel like they're lit up.

What scared me a lot about this bender is that I blacked out every. single. night. I honestly lost a good 30 hours from my memory from blacking out. We were not meant to live like this and this is not a life that I ever imagined living. It is clear to me now what they mean when they say that alcoholism is a progressive disease.

I am going to center my quitting this time more around AA and not just around willpower. I had gone to meetings in the past, but only once a week at the most. I gotta change my life. I wouldn't wish alcohol withdrawals on my worst enemy. It seems like they are getting worse with each new "day 1" I have.

keepfinding2

Oh yeah, the withdrawal is just terrible. Good luck to you. Hope AA does better for you than it did for me.

Dee74

glad you're back mwstylee.

It's weird we instinctively go for something we know is really gonna screw us around to celebrate.

My celebrations are a lot less low key these days - but more joyful for that

D

Hevyn

That's what happened to me, too. I had no tolerance in the end. There was never just one drink. Every time I picked up, dangerous things happened - & there was no predicting how the night would end.

It sounds like you're ready to let this be it. No reason why you ever have to put yourself through hell again. I know you're right about willpower not being enough - didn't work for me, either. Good to hear you have a plan - your life will get back on track & there'll be no stopping you. (Congratulations on your promotion )

Sapling

You want to change your life...Get a sponsor and work the 12 steps..Go to meetings and don't drink. Your next promotion could cost you your job...I know...I've lost enough of them.

sugarbear1

AA is a design for living through action. It works depending upon how much you work it.
Congrats on the promotion!
Best wishes!

instant

I am glad you are back and feel able to tell everyone. That is brave. I hope this time can be your time.

Feeling great is a huge risk for us, it encourages the forgetting, and promotes a sense of omnipotence for me

artsoul

I hope you start feeling better soon, mw......

lilac0721

Don't beat yourself up too hard. The vodka has done that for you. I've done those severl day benders with a bottle of vodka a day. Shudder. I've been doing a few of them each week for the past two months.

It does feel awful. Sounds like you have a plan, though!

FlyerFan

I second this.

zorah

I so understand.... In fact I did the same thing! I finished a huge work project and then bought myself some wine to celebrate, which re-started another cycle. My situation isn't as severe as yours, but what I've learned is that self-compassion helps to cut through the bludgeoning we endure from drinking.

Actually, it's a double beating: first, the alcohol beats the crap out of you; then, the shame you feel for drinking beats you up again! We all do this. Try to be compassionate toward yourself--the way you would a child who fell and bloodied her nose. Even if she fell because she wasn't looking where she was going, would you blame her? I rather doubt it. I don't want to sound all touchy-feely, but part of the problem we all have is self-loathing. It feeds the beast. Compassion starves the beast or at least helps us to tame it.

HOpe you feel better soon....


Zorah

StPeteGrad

I posted this earlier, but there have been many times tonight both here and elsewhere this seems appropriate.

There is lot of wisdom and understanding and understanding in the rooms of AA.

ACT10Npack

hang in there. withdrawal are never fun. I know because I'm going through one now. Drinking someone sweet, it will help and if you can't hang it. Go see the ER.

camedown

Never forget that the first thing alcohol does to us is take away our ability to stop drinking. Hope you can hang in there, best of luck.

StPeteGrad

For what it's worth, here's my sponsor's definition of Alcoholic:

I cannot predict what will happen after I take that first drink. I do not know when or if I will stop or what I will do or what will happen.

mwstylee

Thanks all for the replies and advice. I got barely 2 hours of sleep last night and got up on this day 2 feeling tired, foggy, slightly shaky, but many times better when compared to yesterday. Dreading work tomorrow and answering coworkers' questions like "why did you take 5 personal days out of the blue last week?"

Sapling

I hope you got a good answer....

Rexfiles

Try....I just did not feel well. Leave it there.

Then start with your new position, do your best, and NEVER...EVER, forget the last five days.

Rex

mwstylee

Today is 30 days for me since posting this thread and since stopping drinking again. I actually haven't been doing the AA thing, but I picked up the RR book which is more to my "liking" I guess you could say. I honestly forced myself to find some higher power but as a staunch atheist, it was quite impossible for me to wrap my head around the fact that some unknown intangible power is controlling my life. So RR it is for now.

Otherwise, everything's pretty great right now, just enjoying all the small things. And becoming an expert iced tea preparer since quitting the vodka habit.

ovrock

I remember telling someone that exact thing yesterday. It's downright scary