Is my friend drinking too much?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 3
Is my friend drinking too much?
Hello everyone 
I found this forum by searching Google for an alcoholic support site. This is my first post here.
I want to ask you about my friend. Let's call him Ben. I have been concerned about Ben's drinking for years. As far back as 20 years ago some shared friends warned me that "Ben is an alkie". I did not believe it at the time. But recently he came to visit me and spend some weeks at my place, and watching him this close made me more worried.
Earlier, I had noticed he drank every day, alone. He explained he needed a six pack of beer minimum at night to "keep his nerves calm" and to get to sleep. He also had drinking buddies, people he met after work to drink with in a bar.
When Ben came to visit he was on vacation, which to him meant relaxing and having fun and drinking. He drank beer and wine to every meal. He stocked his room with beer and wine bottles to drink from during the day. He drank in his room, by the swimming pool, in restaurants, and in bars. Once we went to dinner in a restaurant where they did not serve alcohol, and his made him upset. From then on he only wanted to join me eating in places where he could drink. I asked him if spending one hour away from drinking was too much to ask for if the restaurant was good otherwise, but that question did not go down well with him.
One evening we passed some garbage on the street. Ben said he felt sick to the point of throwing up. I noticed the smell but did not think anything much about it. But when I hinted his alcohol intake might have something to do with his strong reaction, he got angry and said I misunderstood drinking.
Part of the tension is that I have always been teetotal - a decision I made as a teenager due to my alcoholic stepfather. So Ben sees any moralising from me as particularly unwelcome, as I don't know what I am talking about and I am an annoyingly wholesome non-drinker.
Ben has a celebration, party-like argument for drinking. Drinking is part of the good life, he says. He says, unprompted, that he is not an alcoholic and can quit any time. He has quit for months, but then he starts again. He jogs a lot, "to stay healthy and live long". He does not appear worried that the drinking is unhealthy.
Ben also says the trick to avoid hangovers is to never stop drinking. So when he was with me he drank constantly for weeks. He also talks about how happy drink makes him, and how high tolerance he has for it - unlike beginners who get drunk and sick from very little. Ben is proud of his tolerance and thinks he is in control. He seems to think he is better, more intelligent, more charming etc when he is drinking than when he is sober. But I can see the changes in him in the evening, when the units have accumulated in his blood. His judgement gets worse, he can be over-excited and he becomes more hot-tempered and sometimes childish. In short, he gets drunk like everyone else does. Not falling down drunk, but drunk enough for it to show.
In general, be it day or night, Ben is easily annoyed by things, the small things in life. So he can be prone to make drama. He also gets desperate for another drink if he is away from the bottles, making his wife joke about his "abstinence symptoms". I understand his wife (the new wife, not the two x-wives) is concerned and sometimes frustrated about his drinking, but I have never been alone with her to raise the topic. She drinks too, but less than Ben. I think she is more the binge type, not a daily drinker like Ben is.
Ben has no children. He holds a steady, good job. He has worked in the same place for many years and works independently and with responsibility. I have not heard his drinking has affected his job. But then again I only have his side of the story on that.
Ben speaks of alcoholics as if he is not one of them. He avoided one woman who wanted to be his friend, a neighbour, because "she drank too much". He did not see the irony when I called him on it. His denial is forceful and a hot button. He is a social drinker only and wants nobody to suggest otherwise. But I don't think he can stop. He must drink. And when he drinks, he can't limit himself to only one beer or only one glass of wine. His craving is too strong.
Ben asked me about local driving under influence laws where I live, and how alert the police are. I took this as a bad sign. When he visited, I did the driving. I wanted to let him drive my car, but realised he was never sober enough. Last year he had an accident when driving his own car, leaving the road in a curve and ending up in hospital. He has not said if alchohol played a part in that incident.
So this was the case of my friend. As you can tell I am worried about him. I think his drinking is a problem. He thinks it isn't.
My questions for you are:
1. Is Ben an alcoholic?
2. If so, what stage is he in?
3. Is there anything I can do to help him?
Thank you.
I found this forum by searching Google for an alcoholic support site. This is my first post here.
I want to ask you about my friend. Let's call him Ben. I have been concerned about Ben's drinking for years. As far back as 20 years ago some shared friends warned me that "Ben is an alkie". I did not believe it at the time. But recently he came to visit me and spend some weeks at my place, and watching him this close made me more worried.
Earlier, I had noticed he drank every day, alone. He explained he needed a six pack of beer minimum at night to "keep his nerves calm" and to get to sleep. He also had drinking buddies, people he met after work to drink with in a bar.
When Ben came to visit he was on vacation, which to him meant relaxing and having fun and drinking. He drank beer and wine to every meal. He stocked his room with beer and wine bottles to drink from during the day. He drank in his room, by the swimming pool, in restaurants, and in bars. Once we went to dinner in a restaurant where they did not serve alcohol, and his made him upset. From then on he only wanted to join me eating in places where he could drink. I asked him if spending one hour away from drinking was too much to ask for if the restaurant was good otherwise, but that question did not go down well with him.
One evening we passed some garbage on the street. Ben said he felt sick to the point of throwing up. I noticed the smell but did not think anything much about it. But when I hinted his alcohol intake might have something to do with his strong reaction, he got angry and said I misunderstood drinking.
Part of the tension is that I have always been teetotal - a decision I made as a teenager due to my alcoholic stepfather. So Ben sees any moralising from me as particularly unwelcome, as I don't know what I am talking about and I am an annoyingly wholesome non-drinker.
Ben has a celebration, party-like argument for drinking. Drinking is part of the good life, he says. He says, unprompted, that he is not an alcoholic and can quit any time. He has quit for months, but then he starts again. He jogs a lot, "to stay healthy and live long". He does not appear worried that the drinking is unhealthy.
Ben also says the trick to avoid hangovers is to never stop drinking. So when he was with me he drank constantly for weeks. He also talks about how happy drink makes him, and how high tolerance he has for it - unlike beginners who get drunk and sick from very little. Ben is proud of his tolerance and thinks he is in control. He seems to think he is better, more intelligent, more charming etc when he is drinking than when he is sober. But I can see the changes in him in the evening, when the units have accumulated in his blood. His judgement gets worse, he can be over-excited and he becomes more hot-tempered and sometimes childish. In short, he gets drunk like everyone else does. Not falling down drunk, but drunk enough for it to show.
In general, be it day or night, Ben is easily annoyed by things, the small things in life. So he can be prone to make drama. He also gets desperate for another drink if he is away from the bottles, making his wife joke about his "abstinence symptoms". I understand his wife (the new wife, not the two x-wives) is concerned and sometimes frustrated about his drinking, but I have never been alone with her to raise the topic. She drinks too, but less than Ben. I think she is more the binge type, not a daily drinker like Ben is.
Ben has no children. He holds a steady, good job. He has worked in the same place for many years and works independently and with responsibility. I have not heard his drinking has affected his job. But then again I only have his side of the story on that.
Ben speaks of alcoholics as if he is not one of them. He avoided one woman who wanted to be his friend, a neighbour, because "she drank too much". He did not see the irony when I called him on it. His denial is forceful and a hot button. He is a social drinker only and wants nobody to suggest otherwise. But I don't think he can stop. He must drink. And when he drinks, he can't limit himself to only one beer or only one glass of wine. His craving is too strong.
Ben asked me about local driving under influence laws where I live, and how alert the police are. I took this as a bad sign. When he visited, I did the driving. I wanted to let him drive my car, but realised he was never sober enough. Last year he had an accident when driving his own car, leaving the road in a curve and ending up in hospital. He has not said if alchohol played a part in that incident.
So this was the case of my friend. As you can tell I am worried about him. I think his drinking is a problem. He thinks it isn't.
My questions for you are:
1. Is Ben an alcoholic?
2. If so, what stage is he in?
3. Is there anything I can do to help him?
Thank you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Hi Vagabond
It certainly seems like a few reg flags there in that story - and certainly common elements I remember from my own story.
Does that mean Ben is an alcoholic?
It's very hard for anyone else to say that with any certainty but Ben himself.
What is clear is that Ben really doesn't want any help, not right now anyway.
It's sad but I was the same way.
I had to acknowledge I had a problem before I could deal with it.
Maybe perhaps you're better off focusing on yourself for the moment - looking at your welfare and your boundaries.
I'm not sure whether you'd feel this is necessary but have you thought of something like AlAnon? That kind of support might help you yourself decide how best to deal with this situation.
We also have a Family and Friends forum section that you may be interested in reading.
I knwo you'll find a lot of support and understanding here anyway - welcome to SR
It certainly seems like a few reg flags there in that story - and certainly common elements I remember from my own story.
Does that mean Ben is an alcoholic?
It's very hard for anyone else to say that with any certainty but Ben himself.
What is clear is that Ben really doesn't want any help, not right now anyway.
It's sad but I was the same way.
I had to acknowledge I had a problem before I could deal with it.
Maybe perhaps you're better off focusing on yourself for the moment - looking at your welfare and your boundaries.
I'm not sure whether you'd feel this is necessary but have you thought of something like AlAnon? That kind of support might help you yourself decide how best to deal with this situation.
We also have a Family and Friends forum section that you may be interested in reading.
I knwo you'll find a lot of support and understanding here anyway - welcome to SR
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: united states
Posts: 127
sounds exactly like my former drunken self. alcohol was my boss. one thing you mentioned is his irritability over small things. thank you for that because I just realized that I had that characteristic too but not anymore. at least he has caring people like you who see a problem and don't shy away from it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
Hi and welcome. I never drank all day or even everyday, but my drinking progressed into a real problem. I'm pretty sure that those closest to me knew it before I did as well. I didn't want to see the truth...infact, I still have to remind myself that I can't drink. When you're in the middle of it, it's so easy to push it all away and pretend that you're normal. You'll use every excuse out there to make it ok. I'm sorry to tell you that there's really not much you can do, other than to be there for your friend. When he wants help, that's when it will happen. As Dee said, please think about yourself. It's hard to watch people we care about treat themselves this way, and you should think about doing what you have to do to support yourself.
I never drank all day or even everyday, but my drinking progressed into a real problem. I'm pretty sure that those closest to me knew it before I did as well. I didn't want to see the truth...infact, I still have to remind myself that I can't drink. When you're in the middle of it, it's so easy to push it all away and pretend that you're normal. You'll use every excuse out there to make it ok. I'm sorry to tell you that there's really not much you can do, other than to be there for your friend. When he wants help, that's when it will happen. As Dee said, please think about yourself. It's hard to watch people we care about treat themselves this way, and you should think about doing what you have to do to support yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Ben is not a social drinker... He drinks alone, in his room and by the pool... He can't quit drinking long enough to have dinner with his non drinking friend. He becomes irritated when he cannot drink. His personality changes after he has been drinking. He is forceful when he denies he has a problem... He cannot sleep without alcohol...
Ben seems to exhibit many alcoholic traits.
You cannot make him want to quit drinking.
I visited a good friend about 5 years ago... You could have described exactly what my friend observed with me. Ben is like I used to be.
Ben seems to exhibit many alcoholic traits.
You cannot make him want to quit drinking.
I visited a good friend about 5 years ago... You could have described exactly what my friend observed with me. Ben is like I used to be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 3
Thank you for your replies and support. 
Yes, you are right there is not much I can do about Ben. I guess I wrote this piece mainly as therapy.
It is painful to see another friend fall to drink. There are so many people with this problem. It seems I keep running into them. I get to know someone, nice and friendly they are, but after a while I learn they are drinking alone at night, calling me on the phone at some late hour to talk intoxicated nonsense.
I don't like that. It reminds me of my stepfather, who also liked to talk nonsense, and who I as a child would find the next morning on the floor, bloody and with clothes torn from some fight, having peed in his pants.
The only solution regarding my stepfather was to move out as soon as I was old enough, and from then on avoid him. He put me off drinking for life.
But seeing people change leaves me with a sense of loss. My friend Ben isn't a supportive friend anymore, he is a potential burden. Ben isn't his own man. The bottle is his boss. I can see it makes him self-centered and irrational. I can see the tension with his wife, who is always trying to limit Ben's drinking. Maybe this marriage too will fail, which is a shame, as Ben needs some structure in his life.
I am used to drinkers resenting my teetotalism. Casual drinkers shrug it off, as if I was a vegetarian or something, but heavy drinkers take my dryness as a criticism of their habits. I suspect part of it is envy, they object to the self-control I have and they don't.
The fact is that I don't mind people drinking moderately, it is only the abuse I don't care for.
Still, I am reluctant to give drinkers advice, or to warn people like my friend Ben, as they accuse me of moral grandstanding. Maybe the AA model is better, where one drinker can help another?
Yes, you are right there is not much I can do about Ben. I guess I wrote this piece mainly as therapy.
It is painful to see another friend fall to drink. There are so many people with this problem. It seems I keep running into them. I get to know someone, nice and friendly they are, but after a while I learn they are drinking alone at night, calling me on the phone at some late hour to talk intoxicated nonsense.
I don't like that. It reminds me of my stepfather, who also liked to talk nonsense, and who I as a child would find the next morning on the floor, bloody and with clothes torn from some fight, having peed in his pants.
The only solution regarding my stepfather was to move out as soon as I was old enough, and from then on avoid him. He put me off drinking for life.
But seeing people change leaves me with a sense of loss. My friend Ben isn't a supportive friend anymore, he is a potential burden. Ben isn't his own man. The bottle is his boss. I can see it makes him self-centered and irrational. I can see the tension with his wife, who is always trying to limit Ben's drinking. Maybe this marriage too will fail, which is a shame, as Ben needs some structure in his life.
I am used to drinkers resenting my teetotalism. Casual drinkers shrug it off, as if I was a vegetarian or something, but heavy drinkers take my dryness as a criticism of their habits. I suspect part of it is envy, they object to the self-control I have and they don't.
The fact is that I don't mind people drinking moderately, it is only the abuse I don't care for.
Still, I am reluctant to give drinkers advice, or to warn people like my friend Ben, as they accuse me of moral grandstanding. Maybe the AA model is better, where one drinker can help another?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 104
He seem to think driving drunk is ok. Which it is not. His problem is therefore not only damaging himself, but placing innocent people at risk.
I think this is an opportunity for you to find the strength in yourself to tell him exactly how you feel without backing down when he accuses you of being a straight edge.
Best of luck
I think this is an opportunity for you to find the strength in yourself to tell him exactly how you feel without backing down when he accuses you of being a straight edge.
Best of luck
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
This guy sounds exactly like me too...And...As was said...Not much you can do about him...I know...I was him. My suggestion...Pray for him...I think it was prayers from other people that brought me to my knees and through the doors of AA...I had to find my own way...The more people mentioned it to me...The more p!ssed off I got and the more I drank. He'll find his way or he'll die an alcoholic death...I came real close to that...And as far as the job goes....He'll lose it....Trust me on that one. It sucks to watch...I have a younger brother going through the same thing I did.....And all I can do is pray for him...I offered him support with AA if he changes his mind...He's too smart for that....Maybe some day. I'll keep praying.
Came to Believe
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Montgomery AL
Posts: 507
Hi Vagabond. Everything about "Ben" sounds pretty familiar, and you're a good friend for at least trying to point out the obvious to him. Sometimes the words of family and friends can plant a seed of doubt in our alcoholic minds, and make us start asking the question, "Do I have a problem?" But regardless, like others have said, until Ben realizes the answer to that question is "yes", nothing will change for him and there's not much else you can do, except to set boundaries for yourself. It'll get worse for him and you don't want to be along for the ride.
--Fenris.
--Fenris.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
