hosea57

I want to know WHY...Why did I drink again when I thought I was so committed to stopping?
Why? When I know how horrible it makes me feel and how hard it is to do my job at my work hungover?

I am totally disgusted with myself. Am I that weak? Evidently so.

Three years ago I was going on 30 mile bike rides, walking and biking every day, enjoying my life. Today I am virtually inactive, gained weight and missing all the things I loved to do.

It makes no sense. I tell my son I want my life back and he tells me "You dont want it bad enough"

So , I am back to day one sober. Maybe I do need to make more of a commitment instead of taking it one day at a time. I think my fear of failure is keeping me from making the long term commitment in my head.
Heck, I dont know. I am just lost and dont know which way to turn. Someone throw me a life preserver , please.

Dee74

I'm sorry Hosea.
I remember that despair.

The best answer I can give you is you're an alcoholic like me.

I had to accept that I needed to go to whatever lengths were necessary for me to stop drinking no matter how difficult, uncomfortable or terrifying I found it.

Refresh my memory - what have you tried so far, Hosea?

D

hosea57

Thanks Dee,
I know I am an alcoholic, although, I have lied to myself many times that I can drink without going overboard because I have before. But that is not the norm at all any more.

I can go weeks without drinking and if i have that one margarita at a restaurant, I am going to buy wine on my way home and drink until I pass out and then continue to drink every day for days on end.

The only thing I have tried is to quit on my own. Reading all I can on line , trying to find what will help.
I live in a small town and have tried to find an AA meeting to go to. There are none that I can go to because of work. I am not sure that would be the answer, but I am not finding the answer any where.

Dee74

actually Hosea most of the main recovery methods have an online option now - AA, SMART, and LifeRing all do as far as I know...and of course Rational Recovery has no meetings at all...so isolation need not be the obstacle it once was

I think whatever you do, you need to think about doing something different...reading and trying to find what will help are good starting points but thats all they are really - starting points.

Maybe it's time to commit to something?

D

David 1

I agree about committing to a program. Since you work, does your employer offer a confidential employee assistance program? Seeking professional counseling may give you a chance to assess where you stand and what treatment options you have.

I am sure your son means well but usually an alcoholic cannot maintain sobriety on their own, as you found out and just because we want to quit is not nearly good enough.

Can you clarify why your job coflicts with attending aa meetings?

Take care,

Dave

langkah

This is progress, as you now know the value of making a simple decision that you won't drink. Now you can begin to seek the level of help that is effective for you. When you're tempted to think you've got this thing sussed, remember today.

hosea57

Thank you, I didnt realize that AA or others had an online option. I have looked at programs that cost an arm and a leg that I cant afford. I will look into those others listed to and find what is right for me.

Yes, I definately think you are right. I need to commit and big time !

hosea57

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No, my employer doesnt offer any programs and I have no insurance of any kind. I dont even know if insurance would cover a recovery program anyway.

The reason my job conflicts with meetings is that I am in a small town, where the only meeting time is during work hours and I cannot leave. I am the manager of a business and have to be there during peak hours.

I am going to check out the online opportunities a bit more and see what is offered.

hosea57

Yes, the decision to not drink is a big one and after my last downward fall the urge to NOT drink is even bigger. I do need to make a commitment , I need help. I cannot do this on my own. I have already learned this.
Thank you.

macknacat

Of course!! drinking is what i did - it was my default mode. To get and stay clean i committed to a program that kept me accountable to me. AA worked because not only did i stop drinking but i had a program which allowed me to change my 'default' personality. And i could be part of something larger than me - that peer support was huge...

hosea57

Thanks Macknacat,

I live in such a small town with very few meetings. (twice a week) Plus I work for the public in a management position. I fear everyone seeing me and judging me and my job being at stake.
I know I make excuses for not going to AA meetings. But I seriously dont know how I can between working and the meeting times.
And I just dont know if that program is for me. It was mentioned that there are some online programs. I am going to look into them also.

sober4metoday

That sounds like me! I could go weeks without thinking about alcohol but then get one drop in me and I turn into a different person. Once that first sip slips across my tongue my entire purposed revolves around getting another and another and another and another until I drink myself into a coma. I could do this all weekend sometimes! It's sickening to think of what I was doing to myself. So I know exactly where you're coming from.

At first my decision to stop drinking was based on vanity. I looked like HELL after my benders. I started getting tired of that puffy ugly face looking back at me in the afternoon after I dragged myself out of bed. I know, I know...shouldn't quit for a silly reason like that....but for me, because I am a "health nut" (hold the laughter) it worked. Now, of course, I realize that I could be as healthy as I wanted but every time I consumed a 12 pack in one sitting I was causing so much damage my body that I was going to end up killing myself. NOT what I want.

My commitment to myself is to never again believe that I have a fighting chance when it comes to alcohol.

There are a lot of people in here who understand.

Fenris

I hope you find a solution that works for you Hosea. I know how it feels to commit yourself to sobriety and then find yourself struggling through a hangover. It's got nothing to do with how weak or strong you are -- for an alcoholic like me, I have to put as many barriers between me and my next drink as I can or I risk losing the power of choice in whether or not I drink. Whether that's AA or this message board or avoiding old hangouts or whatever, you might want to look at how you ended up with a drink in your hand and figure out a way to avoid being in that situation again. I like what Mack said -- drinking is what we do; it's our default setting. To stay sober we have to change. Whatever you do though, don't give up.

--Fenris.

hosea57

Thank you for your post. And I ( like you) have been a health nut in the past and want to be one once again. I do worry about the damage my drinking has already caused, but that too has been an excuse to drink in the past..you know.. I have already screwed up my health probably, so why not drink.

That is a great commitment to never believe I have a fighting chance with alcohol. I need this stamped on my forehead.

hosea57

Fenris,
Thank you very much for your post. I have got to find those barriers to put between me and alcohol.
I can never figure out how I end up making that quick decision to stop and buy alcohol. I even surprise myself. I am going to have to really spend some time thinking out how and why it happened this last time.

2granddaughters

AA will always be there if you need it.

Wishing you the best.

Bob R

instant

I found reading the big book and AVRT very helpful. I also think that beating yourself up is part of the problem because it displaces rational problem solving. The cure is simple, it,s getting started on it that is hard.

Purplecatlover

Reading the Big Book helped me identify myself & understand why I was the way I was.
I felt possessed, like another person had control of me.
It did, addiction. Once, I realized who my adversary was & accepted I would do whatever it took to defeat him, I very rarely think about drinking.
He's not in control anymore.
I used to think I couldn't survive without alcohol.
Now I know, not only can I survive, I can THRIVE without it.
Best wishes.