really struggling with making amends
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 120
really struggling with making amends
i'm at a loss right now for how else to describe this but i just can't do it. i'm filled with fear and pride i guess. but i have this huge list of people i'm supposed to be making amends to and my sponsor is having me write them letters and she wants me to set them up and do them in person and i'm just stuck. i can write the letters but i can't do them. i've done like 3 amends so far over the course of like a month or two, but i've written probably like 8 letters. i've already lied to her and told her that i made two of them even though i didn't. i feel pretty bad about that. and i just told my boyfriend about this (who is also in recovery) and he was surprised by this and also kind of hurt and worried about me. now i'm just sitting here freaking out.
ugh.
who else struggled with this and what advice do you have for me? other than...just do it and stop being such a baby. i'm really upset right now.
ugh.
who else struggled with this and what advice do you have for me? other than...just do it and stop being such a baby. i'm really upset right now.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I've never done a 12 step amends lbern, but I think you need to be honest and open with your sponsor about your fears and also about your progress....if you're not, you're not really getting anywhere?
I hope others will chime in with more experience on this
D
I hope others will chime in with more experience on this
D
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Hi lbern,
Here is why I have not used sponsors. Not to blame her, but you are now in a frenzy over an issue that sounds like you're being pressured to complete. Go back and read step nine in the 12 & 12. It is supposed to be natural, not contrived. By contrived, I mean forced, not made up. I am sober just 10 days less than you, and am still working on my fourth step. I have been around the program for 29 yrs. Its tenets awre solid, but the steps, imo, are not mechanical things to be done in a specific order on a specific timeline. For instance, once sober, we should always recognize when we are wrong and promptly admit it, not just when we've arrived at step ten. And, I am betting you've done some twelfth steps here before you reached it, haven't you?
My point is that, yes, as Dee said, honesty is a vital part of recovery, and feeling pressure or temptation to be less than honest about amends with your sponsor tells me that you need more time to work through this, and decide for yourself, when, how, and if to make amends on a case by case basis. With continued sobriety, you should trust your instinct and intuition. After all, we are being restored to thinking for ourselves again in sobriety aren't we.
These are just my opinions, and I am sure that many others will disagree. But, to me, sobriety is too important to me and my life to let someone else run it for me.
Peace,
Here is why I have not used sponsors. Not to blame her, but you are now in a frenzy over an issue that sounds like you're being pressured to complete. Go back and read step nine in the 12 & 12. It is supposed to be natural, not contrived. By contrived, I mean forced, not made up. I am sober just 10 days less than you, and am still working on my fourth step. I have been around the program for 29 yrs. Its tenets awre solid, but the steps, imo, are not mechanical things to be done in a specific order on a specific timeline. For instance, once sober, we should always recognize when we are wrong and promptly admit it, not just when we've arrived at step ten. And, I am betting you've done some twelfth steps here before you reached it, haven't you?
My point is that, yes, as Dee said, honesty is a vital part of recovery, and feeling pressure or temptation to be less than honest about amends with your sponsor tells me that you need more time to work through this, and decide for yourself, when, how, and if to make amends on a case by case basis. With continued sobriety, you should trust your instinct and intuition. After all, we are being restored to thinking for ourselves again in sobriety aren't we.
These are just my opinions, and I am sure that many others will disagree. But, to me, sobriety is too important to me and my life to let someone else run it for me.
Peace,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
One option is to wait until you feel so bad that you'll either make the next amends for the relief it brings or drink.
That worked for me in getting over my resistance to giving people their money back or admitting my wrongs in situations.
That worked for me in getting over my resistance to giving people their money back or admitting my wrongs in situations.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by LoftyIdeals 
Hi lbern,
Here is why I have not used sponsors. Not to blame her, but you are now in a frenzy over an issue that sounds like you're being pressured to complete. Go back and read step nine in the 12 & 12. It is supposed to be natural, not contrived. By contrived, I mean forced, not made up. I am sober just 10 days less than you, and am still working on my fourth step. I have been around the program for 29 yrs. Its tenets awre solid, but the steps, imo, are not mechanical things to be done in a specific order on a specific timeline. For instance, once sober, we should always recognize when we are wrong and promptly admit it, not just when we've arrived at step ten. And, I am betting you've done some twelfth steps here before you reached it, haven't you?
My point is that, yes, as Dee said, honesty is a vital part of recovery, and feeling pressure or temptation to be less than honest about amends with your sponsor tells me that you need more time to work through this, and decide for yourself, when, how, and if to make amends on a case by case basis. With continued sobriety, you should trust your instinct and intuition. After all, we are being restored to thinking for ourselves again in sobriety aren't we.
These are just my opinions, and I am sure that many others will disagree. But, to me, sobriety is too important to me and my life to let someone else run it for me.
Peace,
Here is why I have not used sponsors. Not to blame her, but you are now in a frenzy over an issue that sounds like you're being pressured to complete. Go back and read step nine in the 12 & 12. It is supposed to be natural, not contrived. By contrived, I mean forced, not made up. I am sober just 10 days less than you, and am still working on my fourth step. I have been around the program for 29 yrs. Its tenets awre solid, but the steps, imo, are not mechanical things to be done in a specific order on a specific timeline. For instance, once sober, we should always recognize when we are wrong and promptly admit it, not just when we've arrived at step ten. And, I am betting you've done some twelfth steps here before you reached it, haven't you?
My point is that, yes, as Dee said, honesty is a vital part of recovery, and feeling pressure or temptation to be less than honest about amends with your sponsor tells me that you need more time to work through this, and decide for yourself, when, how, and if to make amends on a case by case basis. With continued sobriety, you should trust your instinct and intuition. After all, we are being restored to thinking for ourselves again in sobriety aren't we.
These are just my opinions, and I am sure that many others will disagree. But, to me, sobriety is too important to me and my life to let someone else run it for me.
Peace,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
I just wanted to congratulate you on what you have done so far. While I think it is good to push ourselves a bit to get things done we have to be careful not to lose focus. You are over 1/3 of the way through them now & you just need to pick the next most comfortable one & work on that one... focus on one letter at a time not all eight ;-)
One of the most important things for you is to feel good about what you are doing & the changes you are making in your life, you are doing something amazing that many have not been able to do.
Be honest with your sponsor & explain why you felt you had to say you did them, its understandable. Work together to pick the next easiest or most comfortable one for you & discuss how/why you feel this one is going to be difficult.
Can I ask... how have they gone so far? Has anyone understood or at least appreciated your efforts?
I dont know you & you have not done anything to me but I can tell you that I am proud of what you have achieved so far. Keep up the great work & keep working it... you will get there one step & one day at a time
One of the most important things for you is to feel good about what you are doing & the changes you are making in your life, you are doing something amazing that many have not been able to do.
Be honest with your sponsor & explain why you felt you had to say you did them, its understandable. Work together to pick the next easiest or most comfortable one for you & discuss how/why you feel this one is going to be difficult.
Can I ask... how have they gone so far? Has anyone understood or at least appreciated your efforts?
I dont know you & you have not done anything to me but I can tell you that I am proud of what you have achieved so far. Keep up the great work & keep working it... you will get there one step & one day at a time
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
I hope my response was of some use to you, lbern. My point was simply to not get so anxious about "working the program" that it sets you back in your sobriety.
I think Saplings response represents another aversion I have to the program, and illustrates my previous point about sponsors. Some people become so militant about the "program" that they become intolerant of others ways of working it, or interpreting it, and become critical of others walk in sobriety. I'm not sure what Saplings point was, I was just trying to help.
Good luck with your amends, lbern. I'll pray for peace in your heart about it.
I think Saplings response represents another aversion I have to the program, and illustrates my previous point about sponsors. Some people become so militant about the "program" that they become intolerant of others ways of working it, or interpreting it, and become critical of others walk in sobriety. I'm not sure what Saplings point was, I was just trying to help.
Good luck with your amends, lbern. I'll pray for peace in your heart about it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Sorry if you took that wrong Lofty....I just have seen too many people prolong the actual working of the program...And they are drinking as we speak...Just my experience...I haven't been around the program as long as you...But I'm sure you have seen it too. Let's keep moving forward....It seems to be working for both of us.
dopeless hope fiend
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here. Now.
Posts: 1,021
The fact that you're lying to your sponsor about this illustrates just how important it is that we do our amends. It's imperative! I took the hardest one and did it first. That made the rest much easier. I put off that first one for about 2 weeks and was riddled with fear. I thought i was going to throw up while driving to their house to make the amends. I prayed, did breathing exercises, talked to my sponsor right up until i rang the door bell. And the amends went ok for me. The relief i felt was unbelievable.
After tackling that monster the rest were alot easier to do, but certainly not all easy. Steps 4/5 really opened up my life. 6/7 i started to see myself actually changing. but it wasn't until i got well into my 9th that i started feeling that true freedom i had been hearing about.
read the promises. that stuff is true! and it will happen to anyone who moves through the pain and fear to do these steps. It's painful but worth it! You can do it!
After tackling that monster the rest were alot easier to do, but certainly not all easy. Steps 4/5 really opened up my life. 6/7 i started to see myself actually changing. but it wasn't until i got well into my 9th that i started feeling that true freedom i had been hearing about.
read the promises. that stuff is true! and it will happen to anyone who moves through the pain and fear to do these steps. It's painful but worth it! You can do it!
dopeless hope fiend
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here. Now.
Posts: 1,021
29 years and still on step 4, wow. i'm amazed you're still sober, and i absolutely do not mean that in a critical or sarcastic way. i had to get those steps done as quickly as i could. i was a very sick puppy even sober and the steps were the only thing to dump my garbage and get my life back in balance with presence without guilt, shame, remorse, and continued acting out in harmful ways. some are sicker than others indeed.
i will say that it is my opinion based on personal experience and anecdotal evidence from those around me that doing the steps diligently and without delay is the best defense against relapse and the surest way to grow spiritually and get free from our garbage.. i have a sponsee who could not stay clean to save his life. he'd put together a few months, then days, then weeks, then months again, but always return to his insanity. i implored him to delve into the steps with me. he begrudgingly got that 4 & 5 done and the change in him is remarkable. He's writing his 8th step list and celebrating 1 year next month. the reason is the steps.
i will say that it is my opinion based on personal experience and anecdotal evidence from those around me that doing the steps diligently and without delay is the best defense against relapse and the surest way to grow spiritually and get free from our garbage.. i have a sponsee who could not stay clean to save his life. he'd put together a few months, then days, then weeks, then months again, but always return to his insanity. i implored him to delve into the steps with me. he begrudgingly got that 4 & 5 done and the change in him is remarkable. He's writing his 8th step list and celebrating 1 year next month. the reason is the steps.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Kansas City, Mo.
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by lbern
i'm at a loss right now for how else to describe this but i just can't do it. i'm filled with fear and pride i guess. but i have this huge list of people i'm supposed to be making amends to and my sponsor is having me write them letters and she wants me to set them up and do them in person and i'm just stuck. i can write the letters but i can't do them. i've done like 3 amends so far over the course of like a month or two, but i've written probably like 8 letters. i've already lied to her and told her that i made two of them even though i didn't. i feel pretty bad about that. and i just told my boyfriend about this (who is also in recovery) and he was surprised by this and also kind of hurt and worried about me. now i'm just sitting here freaking out.
ugh.
who else struggled with this and what advice do you have for me? other than...just do it and stop being such a baby. i'm really upset right now.
ugh.
who else struggled with this and what advice do you have for me? other than...just do it and stop being such a baby. i'm really upset right now.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Here's the deal -- this is your program, every one has there own way of "working" the steps. It's a journey and every person's is just a little bit different.
I believe Sug is right - you're on the 8th step. No doubt.
As far as your sponsor goes -- time to get honest. It's imperative.Tell him/her you're stuck, fearful, etc. and feel you're back at 8. They don't' have to like it .... you are doing this, not them.
Listen to your sponsor's suggestions and take them to heart but the exact same path another person took through the steps does not mean that exact path is what will work for you.
I'll tell you what my sponsor would say to me if I told her I was stuck here ...... "Pray About it!". It still drives me crazy when she says it to me but by george, it works!
I believe Sug is right - you're on the 8th step. No doubt.
As far as your sponsor goes -- time to get honest. It's imperative.Tell him/her you're stuck, fearful, etc. and feel you're back at 8. They don't' have to like it .... you are doing this, not them.
Listen to your sponsor's suggestions and take them to heart but the exact same path another person took through the steps does not mean that exact path is what will work for you.
I'll tell you what my sponsor would say to me if I told her I was stuck here ...... "Pray About it!". It still drives me crazy when she says it to me but by george, it works!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 120
Thanks everyone. I talked to my boyfriend about it again and he suggested that I actually make that amends that I lied about before I meet my sponsor on Saturday and then tell her about it when I see her then and come clean about the lying. I don't know why this is so hard for me...but I just think I need to get over the pride and fear of what other people think. I wonder what she would say if I said I feel like I'm back at step 8. I think that she will tell me I'm just putting it off and not working hard enough 
I am really honestly grateful to be almost 7 months sober and I don't want my lack of willingness to do this 9th step right now to lead me to a relapse. I love my new sober life and have zero intention of going back to my old ways. This is just really stressing me out right now. I appreciate all the replies!
-L
I am really honestly grateful to be almost 7 months sober and I don't want my lack of willingness to do this 9th step right now to lead me to a relapse. I love my new sober life and have zero intention of going back to my old ways. This is just really stressing me out right now. I appreciate all the replies!
-L
dopeless hope fiend
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here. Now.
Posts: 1,021
I get the step 8 thing, in that you have to be willing to make those amends. But it's my opinion that you show your willingness by going ahead with step 9 whether you're "willing" to or not, if that makes any sense lol.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
My sponsor and I discussed the 9th step as putting me in the other person's place. It's about feeling what they may have felt. Turning it around. It's about letting them know that you now understand how they have been hurt by my actions/words. The people I've harmed heard too many apologies, today, they are hearing something different.
I wish you well,
I wish you well,
dopeless hope fiend
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here. Now.
Posts: 1,021
point taken friend. i wasn't trying to take your inventory. i should've not directed the comment in your direction, though it wasn't meant negatively. I could have just as easily illustrated how badly i and people i know needed to do the steps asap without bringing you into it.
glad you're sober and happy today.
glad you're sober and happy today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The Trenches, Texas
Posts: 778
Ha! Just had this chat with my sponsor last night over my...um...hesitation to make amends to my old homegroup, yes the entire group plus some individuals contained within...in short, the answer was, page 78(first edition Alcoholics Anonymous), "After all,...it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any length for victory over alcohol."
Make the amends or drink whiskey??? Making the amends made far fewer demands of me than drinking whiskey did. Perhaps a simple prayer is in order: God, please show me a drink of alcohol behind each one of these amends I am unwilling to make. Ya see, each step takes me further into step 1...each amend is truly about some sort of unamangeability that will eventually cause me so much discomfort that my mind says, "Hey Omega buddy, I am still here for ya, remember I used to take all that away! One little drinkypoo won't hurt anyway."...and if I know Omega, eventually he will listen to that voice and be off to the races.
Peace
Omega
Make the amends or drink whiskey??? Making the amends made far fewer demands of me than drinking whiskey did. Perhaps a simple prayer is in order: God, please show me a drink of alcohol behind each one of these amends I am unwilling to make. Ya see, each step takes me further into step 1...each amend is truly about some sort of unamangeability that will eventually cause me so much discomfort that my mind says, "Hey Omega buddy, I am still here for ya, remember I used to take all that away! One little drinkypoo won't hurt anyway."...and if I know Omega, eventually he will listen to that voice and be off to the races.
Peace
Omega
dopeless hope fiend
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here. Now.
Posts: 1,021
LoftyIdeals, i also just realized that i read your first post wrong. I read it as you have been sober for 29 years and are on step 4. Poor comprehension on my part, which drove my 'amazed' comment.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
