PaperDolls

You might be right, she may say that .... but you won't know until you get honest with her.

My sponsor recently shared something: She was going through something and didn't call her sponsor because she knew what she would say. Days later she saw her sponsor and told her what had happened. The sponsor asked why didn't you call. She said "Oh, I knew what you would tell me anyway." Turns out, she was wrong about what the sponsor had to say.


Wonder all you want .....

lbern

I wish I could just send all these people emails about this rather than doing them in person. I think that's the thing that scares me a lot. Going up to someone and telling them I am sober and in recovery and telling them I'm sorry for anything I might have done to harm them? I can't think about doing that. The three that I have made in person were to my sister and two friends who are all supportive and know that I'm in the program. Those ones were easy to do. Going up to people who were just acquaintances that I used to drink/use with is a lot harder for me to do. Especially because I feel like I haven't really done any harm to them.


Thanks again to all who reply.
-L

Anna

I'm not an AA person, so I did amends in my own way, which was very comfortable to me. And, basically it involved me showing my family and friends that I was living my life in a different way.

If you feel like you haven't harmed someone in any way, why do you feel like you need to do an amends?

omegasupreme

Intuition decided to add on while I was in the shower...

The book tells me in We Agnostics where I will find God. It says I will find the Great Reality deep within. So, that tells me that God is a part of me, a part of you, and a part of everyone on Earth right? Einstein said, "the greatest illusion of mankind is that there is more than one human being.". All that being said, that means if I'm blocked from you or anyone else then I am blocked from God right?
Amends are about atonement or, at-one-ment. Being at one with God, the only thing that can provide a defense against the first drink every time guaranteed. How could I want to be blocked from that???

lbern

well they were on my 4th step...so then when i did my 8th step, my sponsor basically had me recopy all the names from my 4th step and now i have to make an amends to all of these people. the list is huuuuuuuge!

PaperDolls

I'm of the mind that just because they were on my 4th doesn't mean they automatically go on my amend list. It doesn't make sense to me.

Sounds like you really need to talk with your sponsor.

If you don't feel you did any harm then it's pretty much impossible to make an amend to them.

augustwest

i know who i have harmed, my sponsor does not. if i haven't harmed someone there's no amends to make even if they were on my 4th. i had a lot of people on my 4th that weren't on my 8th.

LoftyIdeals

I agree. I am stalled on my 4th because the list is so great, and I don't have all the time in the world to build it. And, I have to carefully consider that I'm being honest about my past and my memories of it. Every time I list the "big stuff" more "big stuff" comes to mind. It's an unending cycle, and exhausting to think about, though I know it needs to be done. As for making amends to each? No way. Not plausible or wise, in my case. Some things are water down the river. That's what I see that's so funny about the show "My Name is Earl"...his list of amends never ends! We are all human and sinners, alcoholic or not. A big part of forgiveness is forgiving ourselves. It's just drawing that line of when it needs to be amended now that I struggle with. My sponsor said start with the big recent stuff and move back. I have done that, but its possible the reason I haven't completed my 4th is that I know I can't make amends to most.

Also, thanks, August. I hear each of your points as well. I guess one attraction to this thread is that I have a similar struggle as lbern's. 29 yrs ago, I was sober and worked through the steps, but at a different time of life and in a different way. My sobriety has been sporadic over the decades, but I've now got the strongest desire of my life to remain sober. But I don't want to flagellate myself for the rest of my life over the errors of my ways. I guess you might say I want an easier softer way. And even so, I don't subscribe that if I don't do the steps I'll drink. I get the idea, but I think everyone is different. I like AA, but I guess you could say I'm not diehard. I also like CBT models of behavior change.

lbern

I'm meeting with my sponsor on Saturday. I'm gonna have to talk to her more about this...still kinda upset. I will probably share about it in the meeting I'm going to tonight as well...see if anyone there has more advice.

Sapling

Throw it out there Ibern...I'm sure you'll get some good feedback. Have a good meeting...Maybe you'll hear exactly what you need to hear.

StPeteGrad

This isnt a program we finish overnight.

Start off easy. I treated a guy at work poorly and he didn't deserve it - this was after I was sober. I just told him I was sorry for doing that and I'm trying to live a life treating people better. And just like - amends!

There are other easy ones too. I have made amends to my wife on many things (but not everything yet) and our relationship has become stronger for it.

I've found good amends to start with are those that you can demonstrate your new purpose with the life you are now living.

In my opinion, if you take it in small chunks where there isn't much risk you will start to feel why this important and will be encouraged to keep moving forward.

Recovering alcoholics naturally have a lot of fear. We get better emotionally/spiritually as we confront those fears and finally conquer those fears.

When done correctly, this should not be painful. Good preparation is very important.

I have a sponsee who made an amends to his step father when he was only 30 days sober and a day out of rehab. It didn't go over at all! We're going through the steps slowly together so that when he gets to making amends he will have a lifestyle and track record to back his sincerity - also the strength of character when it doesn't always go as he likes.

A good first step and a good 4th step opened me up to the willingness.

Good luck.

StPeteGrad

This isnt a program we finish overnight.

Start off easy. I treated a guy at work poorly and he didn't deserve it - this was after I was sober. I just told him I was sorry for doing that and I'm trying to live a life treating people better. And just like - amends!

There are other easy ones too. I have made amends to my wife on many things (but not everything yet) and our relationship has become stronger for it.

I've found good amends to start with are those that you can demonstrate your new purpose with the life you are now living.

In my opinion, if you take it in small chunks where there isn't much risk you will start to feel why this important and will be encouraged to keep moving forward.

Recovering alcoholics naturally have a lot of fear. We get better emotionally/spiritually as we confront those fears and finally conquer those fears.

When done correctly, this should not be painful. Good preparation is very important.

I have a sponsee who made an amends to his step father when he was only 30 days sober and a day out of rehab. It didn't go over at all! We're going through the steps slowly together so that when he gets to making amends he will have a lifestyle and track record to back his sincerity - also the strength of character when it doesn't always go as he likes.

A good first step and a good 4th step opened me up to the willingness to start the 9th step.

Good luck.