Wish me luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 8
Wish me luck
Hey everyone,
I've been on here before, different screen name (cant even remember it, years ago) But like so many addicts here I am again. To be honest I feel like I've tried to go straight edge so many times, that it is almost a hollow statement when I say I've had enough
I'm 24, relatively smart, a good worker, and a caring person. But hardly anyone knows that anymore because I've covered it up with my drug induced erratic behavior. When I was younger I think people saw my erratic behavior but still remembered how I really am, so they would be alright with it. But lately I've noticed I dont really get that break anymore cause I've been a full blown addict for almost 10 years now (of course just weed and alcohol at 14, but progressed to worse things).
I smoked marijuana daily (usually around 3x), take benzos daily (3x), and there is usually another drug added in (not predictable, anything from beer, to cocaine, to pain killers).
While I guess I'm not really hooked on a particular "hard" drug, I still feel my poly drug use is just as serious as being on a particular drug. I finally realize that instead of a biological addiction, I think I'm seriously emotionally f'ed up. My addiction is running away from myself and painful memories and low self esteem.
It's the vicious cycle many of you speak of. The anxiety fuels the drug use, which fuels even more anxiety, which fuels more drugs, which fuel......
In the past month I realize I have almost lost EVERYTHING that means anything to me. My friends slowly dropped out one by one and I didnt notice it until I was alone (too late). My job fired me, justifiably because of my erratic tardiness, and absenteism (sp?) (they gave me TOO MANY chances, I loved my coworkers, and i think they loved me too , to give me these chances). My parents seriously think I'm losing my mind ( it breaks my heart, but I can see it in their eyes). And I've treated my brain like a garbage can. Instead of seeking a girlfriend (very important to me), I sought out drugs. Instead of learning how to socialize about regular things, I have become the Enclyclopedia Britannica of Drugs ( and I even have proud about this at times, I know I'm a loser).
I havent used for 3 days (for want, and outta financial necessity). And I feel absolutely horrible. I know need to be careful about the benzo withdrawal..
Basically I hate myself, my decisions, my lost "potential", and the years I've lost to this crazy disease we call addiction.
I sit here, in my dad's basement, withdrawing (mainly hurting from benzos w/d),reflecting on my adult life, and realize I've never truly have been an adult.
Sorry about this long post. I'm sure some of your will understand. I feel totally f'ed right now. I hope I can stop being an addict
I've been on here before, different screen name (cant even remember it, years ago) But like so many addicts here I am again. To be honest I feel like I've tried to go straight edge so many times, that it is almost a hollow statement when I say I've had enough
I'm 24, relatively smart, a good worker, and a caring person. But hardly anyone knows that anymore because I've covered it up with my drug induced erratic behavior. When I was younger I think people saw my erratic behavior but still remembered how I really am, so they would be alright with it. But lately I've noticed I dont really get that break anymore cause I've been a full blown addict for almost 10 years now (of course just weed and alcohol at 14, but progressed to worse things).
I smoked marijuana daily (usually around 3x), take benzos daily (3x), and there is usually another drug added in (not predictable, anything from beer, to cocaine, to pain killers).
While I guess I'm not really hooked on a particular "hard" drug, I still feel my poly drug use is just as serious as being on a particular drug. I finally realize that instead of a biological addiction, I think I'm seriously emotionally f'ed up. My addiction is running away from myself and painful memories and low self esteem.
It's the vicious cycle many of you speak of. The anxiety fuels the drug use, which fuels even more anxiety, which fuels more drugs, which fuel......
In the past month I realize I have almost lost EVERYTHING that means anything to me. My friends slowly dropped out one by one and I didnt notice it until I was alone (too late). My job fired me, justifiably because of my erratic tardiness, and absenteism (sp?) (they gave me TOO MANY chances, I loved my coworkers, and i think they loved me too , to give me these chances). My parents seriously think I'm losing my mind ( it breaks my heart, but I can see it in their eyes). And I've treated my brain like a garbage can. Instead of seeking a girlfriend (very important to me), I sought out drugs. Instead of learning how to socialize about regular things, I have become the Enclyclopedia Britannica of Drugs ( and I even have proud about this at times, I know I'm a loser).
I havent used for 3 days (for want, and outta financial necessity). And I feel absolutely horrible. I know need to be careful about the benzo withdrawal..
Basically I hate myself, my decisions, my lost "potential", and the years I've lost to this crazy disease we call addiction.
I sit here, in my dad's basement, withdrawing (mainly hurting from benzos w/d),reflecting on my adult life, and realize I've never truly have been an adult.
Sorry about this long post. I'm sure some of your will understand. I feel totally f'ed right now. I hope I can stop being an addict
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Brooklyn ny
Posts: 13
Thanks for sharing. Take it one day at a time your young and have plenty of time to renew your life! Be happy that your making this choice. Be carful tho some of those w/d can be dangerous it may be good for you to check in some place for a few days just so you know your staying safe and healthy.
Be well
Be well
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NM
Posts: 144
Good Luck! I wish I would have had an awareness of my addiction at 24. You have a lot of life ahead of you, live it well.
Stopping and hoping are a good first step but I recommend that you start looking for a plan to aid you in your recovery. Stopping is one thing and a great thing, to recover is another animal all together.
Stopping and hoping are a good first step but I recommend that you start looking for a plan to aid you in your recovery. Stopping is one thing and a great thing, to recover is another animal all together.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 773
Brian,
you'll probably hear this a few times but to stop all the substances you might need to see a doctor, you know, something to ease the mind while you go through this. you can pull it all together again.
you'll probably hear this a few times but to stop all the substances you might need to see a doctor, you know, something to ease the mind while you go through this. you can pull it all together again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Brian))) - welcome back!! FWIW, I lurked on here for probalby 2 years, stopped using, started trying to "moderate" (my DOC is crack), relapsed, had 6 months in recovery before I signed on.
I'd finally gotten to the point where I'd lost enough, was suffering enough consequences, that I realized "I can't do this any more". That was about 4-1/2 years ago and I'm coming up on 5 years clean.
Quitting wasn't enough...I had to learn to make changes. SR was enough for me, but a lot of people need some extra f2f support. When we put as much into recovery, as we did getting whatever it was that made us numb? It's a whole different world.
My recovery has been rough...lots of bad stuff to go through, but knowing I did it clean? You can't even put a price on that
I'm really glad you found your way back here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'd finally gotten to the point where I'd lost enough, was suffering enough consequences, that I realized "I can't do this any more". That was about 4-1/2 years ago and I'm coming up on 5 years clean.
Quitting wasn't enough...I had to learn to make changes. SR was enough for me, but a lot of people need some extra f2f support. When we put as much into recovery, as we did getting whatever it was that made us numb? It's a whole different world.
My recovery has been rough...lots of bad stuff to go through, but knowing I did it clean? You can't even put a price on that
I'm really glad you found your way back here.Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Brian))) - welcome back!! FWIW, I lurked on here for probalby 2 years, stopped using, started trying to "moderate" (my DOC is crack), relapsed, had 6 months in recovery before I signed on.
I'd finally gotten to the point where I'd lost enough, was suffering enough consequences, that I realized "I can't do this any more". That was about 4-1/2 years ago and I'm coming up on 5 years clean.
Quitting wasn't enough...I had to learn to make changes. SR was enough for me, but a lot of people need some extra f2f support. When we put as much into recovery, as we did getting whatever it was that made us numb? It's a whole different world.
My recovery has been rough...lots of bad stuff to go through, but knowing I did it clean? You can't even put a price on that I'm really glad you found your way back here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'd finally gotten to the point where I'd lost enough, was suffering enough consequences, that I realized "I can't do this any more". That was about 4-1/2 years ago and I'm coming up on 5 years clean.
Quitting wasn't enough...I had to learn to make changes. SR was enough for me, but a lot of people need some extra f2f support. When we put as much into recovery, as we did getting whatever it was that made us numb? It's a whole different world.
My recovery has been rough...lots of bad stuff to go through, but knowing I did it clean? You can't even put a price on that
I'm really glad you found your way back here.Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 8
Thanks Everyone for your encouraging words. For some reason that night when I created this thread I felt completely helplless and your words meant a lot to me.
Anyways I decided that I'm going to try to work the steps. I went to my first NA meeting in years last night, and plan to go to one again today ( I wish I could do 90 in 90 , but I'll do what I could due to finances.)
Anyways I've been clean, except benzodiazipines. Even though I initially wanted to just be off EVERYTHING. I finally accept that this class of drugs I'm going to have to taper off of. I was shaking uncontrollably for a few days (among other symptoms).
I have a long road ahead of me, filled with difficult decisions. I'm going to have to love some of my lifetime friends from afar. And I'm going to have to really want this and stick with it.
I'm definitely one of those people who's going to have to remember this is a day to day thing, cause thats all I could mentally handle right now.
Thanks Everyone For Caring.
Anyways I decided that I'm going to try to work the steps. I went to my first NA meeting in years last night, and plan to go to one again today ( I wish I could do 90 in 90 , but I'll do what I could due to finances.)
Anyways I've been clean, except benzodiazipines. Even though I initially wanted to just be off EVERYTHING. I finally accept that this class of drugs I'm going to have to taper off of. I was shaking uncontrollably for a few days (among other symptoms).
I have a long road ahead of me, filled with difficult decisions. I'm going to have to love some of my lifetime friends from afar. And I'm going to have to really want this and stick with it.
I'm definitely one of those people who's going to have to remember this is a day to day thing, cause thats all I could mentally handle right now.
Thanks Everyone For Caring.
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