Making myself write this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 4
Making myself write this
I'm making myself write this.
One of my biggest problems is my shame and just being a private person. I am not a sharer.
Nobody IRL knows the extent of my drinking problem. Most definitely nobody knows how messed up I am inside.
I have been dabbling for the past 2 months. I've been able to stay sober for longer periods "in between." I have been to some meetings IRL, online, and visited the online communites, but I just lurk.
Talking about myself makes me want to throw up. I am really struggling with feeling worthy of recovery or support.
I have a beautiful child though, and I am crying right now...... because I HAVE to make this better. He deserves it.
So I am forcing myself to write this. Shame and pride aside.
I made it a whole week last week. 7 days. Maybe not trying to do it alone I can make it longer than that .....
One of my biggest problems is my shame and just being a private person. I am not a sharer.
Nobody IRL knows the extent of my drinking problem. Most definitely nobody knows how messed up I am inside.
I have been dabbling for the past 2 months. I've been able to stay sober for longer periods "in between." I have been to some meetings IRL, online, and visited the online communites, but I just lurk.
Talking about myself makes me want to throw up. I am really struggling with feeling worthy of recovery or support.
I have a beautiful child though, and I am crying right now...... because I HAVE to make this better. He deserves it.
So I am forcing myself to write this. Shame and pride aside.
I made it a whole week last week. 7 days. Maybe not trying to do it alone I can make it longer than that .....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Begin02202012 
Maybe not trying to do it alone I can make it longer than that .....
LIVING SOBER
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Cent MD
Posts: 104
Begin, start off slowly, share some of the things that you're comfortable with sharing.
They usually fall into three categories.
Yes, I can share them, no problem.
Maybe I can share them, we'll see .
No, I will never share them.
Test the waters here with what you want to share.
After all this is cyberspace, you are anonymous.
The caring responses that you get may encourage you to reach deeper into sharing the things that are causing turmoil and confusion.
To paraphrase Dr. Frasier Crane "We are Listening"
They usually fall into three categories.
Yes, I can share them, no problem.
Maybe I can share them, we'll see .
No, I will never share them.
Test the waters here with what you want to share.
After all this is cyberspace, you are anonymous.
The caring responses that you get may encourage you to reach deeper into sharing the things that are causing turmoil and confusion.
To paraphrase Dr. Frasier Crane "We are Listening"
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 92
Welcome Begin!
It is very brave to reach out, I admire you. I am glad you posted, it is definitely easier to do this with others who understand what you are going through. Congratulations on 7 days! You can do this. Hang in there! You an dyour son deserve a happy and healthy life. Take good care of yourself, I look forward to seeing you on here again! xoxo
It is very brave to reach out, I admire you. I am glad you posted, it is definitely easier to do this with others who understand what you are going through. Congratulations on 7 days! You can do this. Hang in there! You an dyour son deserve a happy and healthy life. Take good care of yourself, I look forward to seeing you on here again! xoxo
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
yeah, being private and not being much of a sharer makes it harder.
I've waffled for many years (er...about 13) with posting online. Sometimes
I just go for broke and don't care. Other times I work myself into a lather,
especially if it's a deeply personal subject. I tend to never look back at anything
I've ever written - I HATE complaining and repeating myself.
Same thing goes for off line. Sometimes I have to weigh the consequences of not
talking over my own shame/embarrassment/whatever.
Sometimes you just have to trust that it's ok to talk/write.
I've been around SR since '04 as close as I can remember and can tell you
it's as anonymous as you want it to be.
I've got a young child myself - which is why your post stood out to me.
We're here when and if you need. :-)
I've waffled for many years (er...about 13) with posting online. Sometimes
I just go for broke and don't care. Other times I work myself into a lather,
especially if it's a deeply personal subject. I tend to never look back at anything
I've ever written - I HATE complaining and repeating myself.
Same thing goes for off line. Sometimes I have to weigh the consequences of not
talking over my own shame/embarrassment/whatever.
Sometimes you just have to trust that it's ok to talk/write.
I've been around SR since '04 as close as I can remember and can tell you
it's as anonymous as you want it to be.
I've got a young child myself - which is why your post stood out to me.
We're here when and if you need. :-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Texas, a state of mind
Posts: 380
Begin is a great word. The smallest step counts as a beginning.
I've told this story on this forum before but: I think it was before you joined. The moral is: it is hard to love yourself, but vital.
I signed up for a yoga class which was to be very philosophical: Yamas and Niyamas (spiritual principles) of Hinduism, set to yoga moves. Oh boy this will be rich! thought me.
Class #1: The teacher sits us all in a circle and explains that 'non-violence' is our first principle; that violence comes from self-hatred or disrespect for self, and that we must now all go around the circle and say something we love about ourselves. Who wants to go first?
Dead Silence. For a long time. We were all completely shut down. My own mind was flooded with things I detest about myself. I almost started crying.
(I really think many of us alcoholics have this same issue; self loathing = self-destruction.)
We were sent home with the assignment to fall in love with ourselves. Do whatever it takes: write yourself a love letter, buy yourself some roses, tell yourself you are beautiful inside and out, etc. It was a very interesting week. I don't think I will ever forget what a wrench it was, out of my normal attitude of constant self-berating.
I hope you can fall in love with yourself asap!!!
I've told this story on this forum before but: I think it was before you joined. The moral is: it is hard to love yourself, but vital.
I signed up for a yoga class which was to be very philosophical: Yamas and Niyamas (spiritual principles) of Hinduism, set to yoga moves. Oh boy this will be rich! thought me.
Class #1: The teacher sits us all in a circle and explains that 'non-violence' is our first principle; that violence comes from self-hatred or disrespect for self, and that we must now all go around the circle and say something we love about ourselves. Who wants to go first?
Dead Silence. For a long time. We were all completely shut down. My own mind was flooded with things I detest about myself. I almost started crying.
(I really think many of us alcoholics have this same issue; self loathing = self-destruction.)
We were sent home with the assignment to fall in love with ourselves. Do whatever it takes: write yourself a love letter, buy yourself some roses, tell yourself you are beautiful inside and out, etc. It was a very interesting week. I don't think I will ever forget what a wrench it was, out of my normal attitude of constant self-berating.
I hope you can fall in love with yourself asap!!!
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
BeginThe only regret I have in my life is the time I took away from my kids when they were growing up because I was either drinking or hung over.
You can do this for your son---and for yourself.
Good luck in your quest.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Welcome to the family Begin. Now that you've made that first post, I hope you feel somewhat better. My anxiety level went way down once I knew I was no longer alone.
Please never be ashamed of yourself or your struggles. You didn't ask for this disease or its consequences. We all understand how you feel. Please keep reading and posting.
Please never be ashamed of yourself or your struggles. You didn't ask for this disease or its consequences. We all understand how you feel. Please keep reading and posting.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I was really messed up inside too and sometimes it was all I could do to get through the day without breaking down. Even the small things seemed overwhelming. That's what alcohol did to me.
I didn't realize (until I got sober) that 99% of my anxiety and depression was due to my drinking........ It's definitely no way to live.
I'm really glad you joined today - believe me, everyone here knows what it's like and will give you tons of support. Welcome!
I didn't realize (until I got sober) that 99% of my anxiety and depression was due to my drinking........ It's definitely no way to live.
I'm really glad you joined today - believe me, everyone here knows what it's like and will give you tons of support. Welcome!
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
Welcome Begin!
We have all done horrible shameful things, you are not alone there!
Recently my husband told me that for some reason I think my sin is worse than everyone elses, and it just isn't he said. I am learning that God knows the depths of my heart and he loves me the same.
It really is okay..... We are pulling for you and are hoping you will stick around the boards.
blessings, Lily
We have all done horrible shameful things, you are not alone there!
Recently my husband told me that for some reason I think my sin is worse than everyone elses, and it just isn't he said. I am learning that God knows the depths of my heart and he loves me the same.
It really is okay..... We are pulling for you and are hoping you will stick around the boards.
blessings, Lily
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