Closed meeting question..
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Here
Posts: 183
Closed meeting question..
So Ive been going to meetings for past 10 days, but last night I went to a new venue for a "Closed" meeting. All other meetings Ive been to have been Open or Beginner or Speaker.
So my question is, is it common for Closed meetings to not have new people intro themselves at start of meeting? And is it common for Closed meetings to be less inviting to new people?
All other meetings Ive been to they give newbies an opportunity to intro themselves to the group at the beginning, this one did not. This particular Closed meeting last night had prob 50ish people and I didnt get chance to share, due to sheer number of people constantly speaking out. So without that intro at beginning and I didnt speak, made it hard to try and connect with anyone. The room seemed very clickish (sp?) after meet ended, so I helped put away probably half the chairs/tables (and didnt get acknowledged at all for that, which was kinda weird). Maybe Im just not used to Closed meeting...are they sorta known to be less inviting? Because this one was.
I intro'd myself personally to a good 6-7 people who were curteous, but again no real talk. I def came away with a negative opinion. I mean I get that if I had shared maybe people wouldve then been more open...Maybe I was putting off bad vibes, or walked into a meeting where nearly everyone has been attending for long time & they all know each other. Or maybe my other meetings spoiled me, with how inviting they were. I dunno. Last nights meeting just bothered me and slightly tarnished what has been otherwise a ridiculously positive experience for me...going to meetings I mean.
So my question is, is it common for Closed meetings to not have new people intro themselves at start of meeting? And is it common for Closed meetings to be less inviting to new people?
All other meetings Ive been to they give newbies an opportunity to intro themselves to the group at the beginning, this one did not. This particular Closed meeting last night had prob 50ish people and I didnt get chance to share, due to sheer number of people constantly speaking out. So without that intro at beginning and I didnt speak, made it hard to try and connect with anyone. The room seemed very clickish (sp?) after meet ended, so I helped put away probably half the chairs/tables (and didnt get acknowledged at all for that, which was kinda weird). Maybe Im just not used to Closed meeting...are they sorta known to be less inviting? Because this one was.
I intro'd myself personally to a good 6-7 people who were curteous, but again no real talk. I def came away with a negative opinion. I mean I get that if I had shared maybe people wouldve then been more open...Maybe I was putting off bad vibes, or walked into a meeting where nearly everyone has been attending for long time & they all know each other. Or maybe my other meetings spoiled me, with how inviting they were. I dunno. Last nights meeting just bothered me and slightly tarnished what has been otherwise a ridiculously positive experience for me...going to meetings I mean.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
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All meetings are different Shane...Even on different days. I found for myself....The more I showed up...The more I was accepted. I didn't speak for my first 30 days....On advice from my sponsor. I really didn't have much to offer and I had so much to learn. I was a good listener. I don't see a whole lot of difference between open and closed meetings...As long as they are talking about recovery...The solution..That's fine with me.
I've noticed in my eight months going to meetings...You see a lot of people come and go in AA...Some don't make it...Some are only there on court orders...Some show up every day and put away chairs. I was welcomed when I went to my first meeting...But after showing up for 30 days straight and just listening and staying after the meeting and asking questions...They start to see you are serious about it...You start to be a part of, That's a great place to be. My first share at 31 days...I said..."My sponsor told me I couldn't talk for 30 days and today is day 31 for me. I just want to thank you all for what I have learned here and look forward to learning more from you in the future." I was getting pats on the back after that meeting...I was...A part of. Then I put away the chairs.
I've noticed in my eight months going to meetings...You see a lot of people come and go in AA...Some don't make it...Some are only there on court orders...Some show up every day and put away chairs. I was welcomed when I went to my first meeting...But after showing up for 30 days straight and just listening and staying after the meeting and asking questions...They start to see you are serious about it...You start to be a part of, That's a great place to be. My first share at 31 days...I said..."My sponsor told me I couldn't talk for 30 days and today is day 31 for me. I just want to thank you all for what I have learned here and look forward to learning more from you in the future." I was getting pats on the back after that meeting...I was...A part of. Then I put away the chairs.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Thx Sapling. Maybe I just really wanted to like this meeting place (it is THE closest to my house by miles) and was just disappointed. It just felt cold to me.
I even did the gum trick...pull out pack of gum for yourself, and offer to those around you as an icebreaker. No one wanted my gum. (haha, but true)
I even did the gum trick...pull out pack of gum for yourself, and offer to those around you as an icebreaker. No one wanted my gum. (haha, but true)
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Just keep showing up Shane...Pretty soon you'll be hanging out with these people...Don't worry about going in and thinking about what you are going to say...Go in and think about what you can learn...And read that Big Book...Over and Over...First 164 pages....Know it. Hopefully you have a sponsor by now. Keep coming back...It worked for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
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Posts: 183
Yeah I have a sponsor, and I fully intend on going back to meetings, everyday if I can. This was just this one location that soured me on that location...but I will probably go back next Sunday just to wash the bitter out of my mouth, haha.
So it goes
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,620
Keep showing up, but try other meets as well Shane. My first meet I didnt really feel I could gel with the people there, that was part the place I was in, however the group I currently call home I feel part of. I still dont know people, and am trying to help at the end, I am naturally shy to start with (part of the reason I started to drink) but know that if I stick at it, I will fit in more. I do go regulary though to another group, which takes me out of my comfort zone, so the more you see, the more you learn and the soberer you stay
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
AA meetings are like beer .... no bad ones, just some better than others.
Shane, you are welcome at closed AA meetings. The newcomer is the most important person at that meeting. That being said, when I was a newcomer I had nothing of importance to offer. Of course, being an alcoholic, having nothing of value to contribute seldom prompted me to keep my mouth shut. God, I love the sound of my own voice..
My sponsor told me to take the cotton out of my ears and stick it in my mouth.. and I'd learn something. He was right.
As others have said, just keep going and you'll start to fit right in. Closed meetings are where the rubber meets the road for me.
Thanks for the post Shane, we've all been there. Wishing you the best.
Bob R
Shane, you are welcome at closed AA meetings. The newcomer is the most important person at that meeting. That being said, when I was a newcomer I had nothing of importance to offer. Of course, being an alcoholic, having nothing of value to contribute seldom prompted me to keep my mouth shut. God, I love the sound of my own voice..
My sponsor told me to take the cotton out of my ears and stick it in my mouth.. and I'd learn something. He was right.
As others have said, just keep going and you'll start to fit right in. Closed meetings are where the rubber meets the road for me.
Thanks for the post Shane, we've all been there. Wishing you the best.
Bob R
dopeless hope fiend
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here. Now.
Posts: 1,021
i don't know man, i've been to some bad meetings. i suppose it's better than no meeting at all, but thats debatable when with 1 week clean a fight broke out inside the meeting and the cops showed up.
but nothing was going to stop me from keeping at it. i had tried everything else and the rooms were truly the last house on the block for me.
but nothing was going to stop me from keeping at it. i had tried everything else and the rooms were truly the last house on the block for me.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
Try again. As stated, the same meeting can vary day by day. If not, maybe you should continue to go to show them how their behavior affects the newcomer.
I attend a meeting near me that has this same kind of thing, and these people have double digit sobriety! Sometimes a group that sticks together stays sick together....As for the chairs, no one ever needs to thank anyone for that, it's something we do. People are all on different levels of sobriety/spirituality. No telling what is up with that meeting. In the big book, it tells us that the meetings exist so the newcomer may find us and they are the most important people at a meeting. Call your sponsor and have a discussion about what's up!
I attend a meeting near me that has this same kind of thing, and these people have double digit sobriety! Sometimes a group that sticks together stays sick together....As for the chairs, no one ever needs to thank anyone for that, it's something we do. People are all on different levels of sobriety/spirituality. No telling what is up with that meeting. In the big book, it tells us that the meetings exist so the newcomer may find us and they are the most important people at a meeting. Call your sponsor and have a discussion about what's up!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
I will likely attend my first meeting in quite a while today, and i hope they ignore me. I don't want to talk. I don't even want them to ask my name. I want to listen. I'm pretty guarded though (though you'd never know it from my posts).
Good for you feeling so strongly about connecting with others. With that as your foundation, you just have to be okay.
Good for you feeling so strongly about connecting with others. With that as your foundation, you just have to be okay.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Here
Posts: 183
THX for the replies...Love SR.
I talked with my Sponsor about it and he gave me some good suggestions on how to make connections next time...he offered to come with me next time, and intro me around to the people he knows. Ill probably go again by myself, and make a point to make it a positive experience. But good to know he has my back, regardless.
Im learning that its almost more important to me than sharing, to make a connection at meetings. To feel a part of things. Even if its a 3-minute convo with the person sitting next to me. Isolationism & loneliness were 2 huge parts of my alcoholism.
I feel like a failure if I dont make at least 1 connection per meeting. I know people are gonna tell me that just being there and listening, I am not a failure. But thats just how I feel...trying to work on that.
I talked with my Sponsor about it and he gave me some good suggestions on how to make connections next time...he offered to come with me next time, and intro me around to the people he knows. Ill probably go again by myself, and make a point to make it a positive experience. But good to know he has my back, regardless.
Im learning that its almost more important to me than sharing, to make a connection at meetings. To feel a part of things. Even if its a 3-minute convo with the person sitting next to me. Isolationism & loneliness were 2 huge parts of my alcoholism.
I feel like a failure if I dont make at least 1 connection per meeting. I know people are gonna tell me that just being there and listening, I am not a failure. But thats just how I feel...trying to work on that.
LIVING SOBER
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Cent MD
Posts: 104
Hello Shane, just read your post about closed meetings.
Sounds like your sponsor has your back for sure.
There is a lot of good double-digit sobriety down there in that part of Virginia; you are about an hour south of where I live.
Have you ever heard the proverb "You can't see the forest for the trees"?
Taking that cotton out of your ears, and putting it in your mouth, was also told to me.
It was usually followed by "Believe us we know you're here, and we will tell you when you have something to share.”
You have made it into the rooms, now you have to listen and learn about your alcoholism, and the process that it is going to take you to think and live sober.
Hence the meaning of moving the cotton.
You have probably heard some of the following in this area,
90 meetings in 90 days
Get a sponsor
Get a home group
Get a service position
You will not find these four actions in the big book, but you will hear it in the rooms.
These four actions require social activity, with members of sober society.
For me those 90 days gave me time to have a glimpse of what sobriety had to offer me.
It also gave me a glimpse of what sobriety had done for others in their recovery.
Having a home group gave me a place to belong, where I was accepted as one among many who understood my problem.
Getting a service position gave me a fresh start on taking on responsibility, if only in a small way. It was also a gateway to start giving back what was freely given to me. Gave me a useful place in the fellowship, with a chance to build some wonderful relationships.
Getting a sponsor was more like finding the right sponsor. My first sponsor got me through the first three steps by helping me to understand that each step was a decision that I had to make.
My current sponsor and I have a 45-year relationship, we drink together for 11 years, and he has been sober for 34 years.
We have had some similar experiences in life and we are close in age. He knows me very well and I do not have to tell him my whole life story when I go to him with a problem.
I have a somewhat similar relationship with my close AA contacts, they know what is going on, and sometimes noticed changes in me than I do not notice right away.
What I am saying is that "This is the Front of My Forest now."
When I first got here all I saw was the trees. They were the things I wanted and the way I wanted them, and the things I did not want and refuse to accept.
Now that I am listening, learning how and what to share, and how to do what is required of me as my part of my recovery, those individual trees are no longer obstacles.
Good luck with your meetings, and your recover. Maybe I will see you at a meeting in Montgomery County, one day at a time, look4billw./Dave
Sounds like your sponsor has your back for sure.
There is a lot of good double-digit sobriety down there in that part of Virginia; you are about an hour south of where I live.
Have you ever heard the proverb "You can't see the forest for the trees"?
Taking that cotton out of your ears, and putting it in your mouth, was also told to me.
It was usually followed by "Believe us we know you're here, and we will tell you when you have something to share.”
You have made it into the rooms, now you have to listen and learn about your alcoholism, and the process that it is going to take you to think and live sober.
Hence the meaning of moving the cotton.
You have probably heard some of the following in this area,
90 meetings in 90 days
Get a sponsor
Get a home group
Get a service position
You will not find these four actions in the big book, but you will hear it in the rooms.
These four actions require social activity, with members of sober society.
For me those 90 days gave me time to have a glimpse of what sobriety had to offer me.
It also gave me a glimpse of what sobriety had done for others in their recovery.
Having a home group gave me a place to belong, where I was accepted as one among many who understood my problem.
Getting a service position gave me a fresh start on taking on responsibility, if only in a small way. It was also a gateway to start giving back what was freely given to me. Gave me a useful place in the fellowship, with a chance to build some wonderful relationships.
Getting a sponsor was more like finding the right sponsor. My first sponsor got me through the first three steps by helping me to understand that each step was a decision that I had to make.
My current sponsor and I have a 45-year relationship, we drink together for 11 years, and he has been sober for 34 years.
We have had some similar experiences in life and we are close in age. He knows me very well and I do not have to tell him my whole life story when I go to him with a problem.
I have a somewhat similar relationship with my close AA contacts, they know what is going on, and sometimes noticed changes in me than I do not notice right away.
What I am saying is that "This is the Front of My Forest now."
When I first got here all I saw was the trees. They were the things I wanted and the way I wanted them, and the things I did not want and refuse to accept.
Now that I am listening, learning how and what to share, and how to do what is required of me as my part of my recovery, those individual trees are no longer obstacles.
Good luck with your meetings, and your recover. Maybe I will see you at a meeting in Montgomery County, one day at a time, look4billw./Dave
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Hey Shane: You asked a question about the difference between a closed and open meeting and got some good answers. I would like to shed some light on something else to consider: the difference between an AA meeting and an AA group.
Meetings are organized by different AA groups, and the groups are autonomous from each other and have a different style and way of doing things. The meeting protocol is decided in the business meetings, as well as how the 7th tradition money is to be spent and what service positions there will be, etc, etc.
So if you go to a meeting in one part of town, it is probably going to be a different AA group than in another part of town. The meetings I go to are in different parts of town, they are run by totally different AA groups. And they have different members and very different styles.
When people say: try another meeting, they often mean: try another group.
Meetings are organized by different AA groups, and the groups are autonomous from each other and have a different style and way of doing things. The meeting protocol is decided in the business meetings, as well as how the 7th tradition money is to be spent and what service positions there will be, etc, etc.
So if you go to a meeting in one part of town, it is probably going to be a different AA group than in another part of town. The meetings I go to are in different parts of town, they are run by totally different AA groups. And they have different members and very different styles.
When people say: try another meeting, they often mean: try another group.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by Missy7 
I will likely attend my first meeting in quite a while today, and i hope they ignore me. I don't want to talk. I don't even want them to ask my name. I want to listen. I'm pretty guarded though (though you'd never know it from my posts).
Good for you feeling so strongly about connecting with others. With that as your foundation, you just have to be okay.
Good for you feeling so strongly about connecting with others. With that as your foundation, you just have to be okay.
It makes me get honest with me...
Thank you for your post.
Bob R
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