What to expect?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
What to expect?
My ex is 4 months into recovery. I never dreamed he'd get here and while I'm elated that he's chosen sobriety...the rocky road of recovery has me very concerned.
At his worst, (while drinking) his rage, yelling, controlling and name calling was sudden...and scary. As a result, we now live 4 hours apart but have stayed in contact. He's now 4 months sober but while the drinking is gone...the anger, fighting and name calling have remained.
We can go from laughing and playing...to intense fighting and him packing up and leaving...in what seems like an instant.
I know the first year of sobriety is very hard. I know his body and mind have a lot of healing to do. But I worry that maybe this is just "him"? Is he just an angry controlling person? Or is there more healing that needs to take place? He says he never has cravings....
For those of you who have traveled this road, what was your first four months like? First six? First year?
Many Many Thanks....
At his worst, (while drinking) his rage, yelling, controlling and name calling was sudden...and scary. As a result, we now live 4 hours apart but have stayed in contact. He's now 4 months sober but while the drinking is gone...the anger, fighting and name calling have remained.
We can go from laughing and playing...to intense fighting and him packing up and leaving...in what seems like an instant.
I know the first year of sobriety is very hard. I know his body and mind have a lot of healing to do. But I worry that maybe this is just "him"? Is he just an angry controlling person? Or is there more healing that needs to take place? He says he never has cravings....
For those of you who have traveled this road, what was your first four months like? First six? First year?
Many Many Thanks....
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Hi RedCandle
It's difficult for any of us to tell you 'thats normal' or that's 'not normal' but while early recovery is tough and I was often irritable and 'bratty' for awhile, I wasn't angry at 4 months - and never abusive.
You may have to face the fact that there may be other things going on here besides alcoholism.
I hope you'll look in at our Family and Friends forums too - you'll find a lot of support here.
Welcome to SR
D
It's difficult for any of us to tell you 'thats normal' or that's 'not normal' but while early recovery is tough and I was often irritable and 'bratty' for awhile, I wasn't angry at 4 months - and never abusive.
You may have to face the fact that there may be other things going on here besides alcoholism.
I hope you'll look in at our Family and Friends forums too - you'll find a lot of support here.
Welcome to SR
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
Thanks D-
Yes, I've found a lot of great advice on the "Friends" forum...I suppose I'm just really trying to know what it feels like to go through this.
I want to show empathy and support...but not at the cost of abuse.
I've heard that some people report wild mood swings...but I don't know if that's what this is.
Again, thank you for your response. Perhaps there is indeed a lot more going on...
Yes, I've found a lot of great advice on the "Friends" forum...I suppose I'm just really trying to know what it feels like to go through this.
I want to show empathy and support...but not at the cost of abuse.
I've heard that some people report wild mood swings...but I don't know if that's what this is.
Again, thank you for your response. Perhaps there is indeed a lot more going on...
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Yes wild mood swings are common, but that is NO excuse to abuse anyone else. When I feel like acting out, I need to get help or stay away till I'm over myself. I do NOT need to use someone else as a punching bag, literal, emotional or verbal.
unfortunately bad behavior is very common, so much so that some people excuse it and call it "normal"
unfortunately bad behavior is very common, so much so that some people excuse it and call it "normal"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
Threshold...what advice would you give to me then?
It seems like the littlest things set him off. Small arguments turn into explosions.
To confess, I have not done well handling this and I can be very "bratty" as I'm still trying to get over the damage of our past.
I genuinely want to be there for him and want a better future for both of us. What is a healthy boundary to establish? Do I just ignore? Leave him alone till he's further down recovery?
What do you think?
It seems like the littlest things set him off. Small arguments turn into explosions.
To confess, I have not done well handling this and I can be very "bratty" as I'm still trying to get over the damage of our past.
I genuinely want to be there for him and want a better future for both of us. What is a healthy boundary to establish? Do I just ignore? Leave him alone till he's further down recovery?
What do you think?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
sorry I didn't pick up you'd been there already RC - early morning here
Like I said before, I have my doubts this is connected to recovery. You may have to face this won't actually get better.
I think we all have to decide for ourselves whats acceptable behaviour in a partner.
If you're not sure what to do, I hope you'll at least choose healthy boundaries and stick by them.
D
Like I said before, I have my doubts this is connected to recovery. You may have to face this won't actually get better.
I think we all have to decide for ourselves whats acceptable behaviour in a partner.
If you're not sure what to do, I hope you'll at least choose healthy boundaries and stick by them.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Al-Anon may be a big help, it is for my wife.
We have been married for over 41 yrs and still have our "times". Difference today is our times last for a few minutes rather than a few months.
Hang in there.
Bob
We have been married for over 41 yrs and still have our "times". Difference today is our times last for a few minutes rather than a few months.
Hang in there.
Bob
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 868
He could have some underlying mental health issue RC. I do. I've experienced the rage that u were describing and I had to get help. I'm almost three months sober and have been going thru an intensive outpatient treatment program for the last couple of weeks for anxiety and depression. It has done wonders.
He is going to have to want to get help for anything to work. Hope he gets to that point.
God bless.
He is going to have to want to get help for anything to work. Hope he gets to that point.
God bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
Jocata...what kind of guidance might be most helpful?
I think you may be right. Truly, he can be a wonderful person...but when that rage comes out...it's terrifying.
Do I try to encourage him to get guidance? Do the "no contact" thing?
What do you think would be most helpful?
I think you may be right. Truly, he can be a wonderful person...but when that rage comes out...it's terrifying.
Do I try to encourage him to get guidance? Do the "no contact" thing?
What do you think would be most helpful?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 868
Maybe encourage him to speak to a counseler or therapist at first to just kind of get an idea of what may be going on. Your doctor or his may be able to guide you to someone he and you can talk to. Preferably someone who specializes in addictions and mental health.
Private message me if you want to. I'll be glad to talk to you about it.
Hang in there.
God bless.
Private message me if you want to. I'll be glad to talk to you about it.
Hang in there.
God bless.
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