Bob36

Told my wife Ive been addicted to coke for the last two years and she is taking it hard. One of the reasons I haven't said anything to her before is that I knew she would be so upset. I haven't ruined her finances or been absent from my duties as a father- basically have reached out to two people for help - my mother and her and my mother got upset - then never mentioned it. My wife refused to believe me the first time I told her (few months ago) so I let it go.
Im not at rock bottom- but I recognize Im in danger and have been trying to silently quit for nearly a year. Meetings are at the same time as work (which I have needed to keep my head above water as Ive spent all my money on dope) So I haven't been able to make them.
I feel like Im the strong one and everyone I ask for help falls to pieces.
I am angry for them not even notice me killing myself for over a year- tissues all over the place, all of the sudden broke all of the time, no gym and sniffling
keys laden with white powder and little baggies in the trash. My wife sobbed and called me deceitful- I never lied- was too ashamed to confess- and then just got angry that she couldn't see the changes. I hurt her feelings by telling her her denial was worse than my own.

Telling people Im an addict and want to change was the hardest ******* thing Ive ever done- and Ive been trying to deal with it for over a year. crying in my truck, promises to myself, hating myself. I even ripped off my dealer hoping he would get pissed and not answer my calls.

Tired of being "strong". Im too strong for that.. ha ha.

But what do I do? I need support now and everyone is freaking out while I am happy to make this little piece of progress.

She told me I was "deceitful" after Ive confessed to her and she refused to believe. I told her how hard it is. My family needs me- Ive been there and always kept to myself to do my partying.

Im at a loss. I want to support her- but I don't know how. She has always hated my pot smoking- but never looked anything up online about it - just accepted that as an inconvenient part of me.

I can't support her (or anyone else) emotionally now- Im too in need of good news and good progress. too fragile and afraid for myself to be strong for others. Im done with that. my whole body hurts and I am afraid I am going to die from my 120 a day habit. Im broke afraid and want to be off coke. Last night I stopped off for a couple of beers- a block from my dealers house. And I had no desire. I paid my tab after two and left- not before I banged out a text I never sent- I was thrilled with myself- its a baby step. But all I can do is count every day off of one drug as a small blessing. it is so hard.

Less than a week off coke. Im trying to come clean. I don't understand people freaking out on me. It makes me want to not tell anyone and just deal with it- but I understand that wont lead to success.

Anyone been through anything like this?

humbly.
B

Impurrfect

(((Bob))) - Welcome to SR!!!

Just a little background - I'm 50, living at "home" with dad/stepmom thanks to the major consequences I brought on myself with crack.

My dad doesn't have a clue about addiction...he thinks I'm "cured". Stepmom is a major codie (codependent), ACOA AND addicted to pain pills. They were more hurt, than anything when they first found out, then I started getting locked up.

When I relapsed, about a year later, they are angry! However, I realized that there was no way they could support me, even though stepmom is an A, and sorta gets it, she's in denial about her own use.

I also realized the best I could do for them was say "I'm sorry" ONCE, then work on my recovery. I'd lurked here for way over a year (probably closer to 2), didn't sign on until I had 6 months clean, and SR has been a HUGE part of my recovery.

I reached out to two people who've known me forever. They don't understand addiction, either, but they are very supportive.

I don't know if your wife was in denial at the obvious signs of your using or she just doesn't know? I'd been abusing opiates for years, then the crack and my family didn't have a clue until I got locked up.

You are right..you really aren't the one to support THEIR feelings any more than they can support YOURS. You don't know what it's like to suddenly find out your spouse has been using drugs. I didn't marry my XABFs (ex addict/alcoholic bf) but I've been on both sides of the fence, and have had to work recovery for my codie-ness in addition to my addiction.

There are meetings for family members - al-anon and nar-anon. I found out, you can't make anyone go - my dad went twice, liked them, then never went back. He lives in denial and enables my stepmom.

I've had to detach from them and their actions and work on me. I'm coming up on 5 years in recovery - they're getting more dysfunctional each day.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LadyNoBinge

Welcome Bob!
Thank you for posting so openly, that takes guts. Congratulations on your week off cocaine, i hope that continues. I have been on both sides of the fence, so i will share my experience, maybe you will find it helpful, maybe you won't, but here goes.
Before my struggles with alcohol, i was married to a man i had been with for 6 years. Shortly after we were married, it came out that he was addicted to opiates. When he told me this, i felt like i had been hit by a truck. I felt so upset, it triggered the worst of all of my codependent behavior: anger, resentment, taking everything personally, trying to control everything, denial, pure craziness. Fun stuff. I was a nightmare. I tortured myself and him. It was not until I found Nar-Anon and read Codependent No More that some sanity was restored to my life. I learned how to detach with love and take care of myself. We separated and I am happy to say that he is almost 3 years clean. He has a great new life, active in NA, and embracing recovery. When he was in the beginning stages of recovery, he was not an appropriate support for me and vice versa. The emotions were running too high.
Years later, i am embracing recovery myself for my alcoholism, which manifested in wicked drinking binges, drinking to numb, escape and avoid feelings/life, etc. I have a wonderful support system: loving friends, family and boyfriend. They are great but when it comes to issues relating to alcohol, their ability to support me is limited. They do not understand my struggle with alcohol and are quick to minimize my issue. The best support and understanding i receive is from AA and SR, others who understand where i am coming from and have similar issues, they take my concerns seriously, can empathize and offer advice and feedback freely.
Virgil said "Trust one who has gone through it." i think this really applies when it comes to peer support with substance abuse recovery. Different people have different roles in our life and it sounds like your wife needs outside support to help her with coping with loving an addict, just as you need outside support to help you with your addiction.
This ended up being a really long post and i am not sure if i make any sense, but i hope you know that you are never alone, this site has been really helpful to me and i hope you find the support you need. Please take good care of yourself!!! xo

zxcirce

Hi Bob
That took a lot of courage to admit to your wife and mother. I'm sure it must not feel good to have it brushed off, in the case of your mom and "thrown in your face" by your wife. Do you really not understand why they're freaking out though? You have lied by omission for a long time. That's a shock to someone who has been blindsided. It's a very normal reaction to be angry when you've been deceived.

Give your wife time to come to terms with what you've told her and try to keep communication open--let her make her choices and make sense of the situation.

Congrats on a week clean

Bob36

Thanks for all of the replies- in each I find something I can use. I need to be gentle with her- but I can't handle more shame. And yes I am angry that she was never suspicious- and that when I finally screwed up the courage to tell her- she didn't believe me- It sent me right back in the cave. I think I need to be more patient. I am afraid- and it makes me mean. I am not a weepy person- nor particularly non communicative but the simple act of releasing this addiction from my life with frank words makes me tear up before I even start typing- and part of it is just feeling free.
Tomorrow I go to my first meeting. I have no doubt It will be helpful. I don't know exactly what my strategy will be. but hiding things will, as much as I can. not be a part of it.
I can't believe I am calling myself bob on here- that is so not my name. I like ladybingenomore - Im too tired to be hip. thank you for your wisdom, your stories, this is some scary ****.

freshstart57

That freedom was euphoria for me. My family was more than doubtful about my chances at sobriety, but they were well entitled to that skepticism. Six months after that last drink, they are amazed and relieved.

Stick to your sobriety plan - that is the most important thing for you to do now. There must be a feeling of betrayal from your wife, anger and disappointment too, and you can accept those feelings as you get comfortable in your sobriety. There will be changes in yourself and maybe even some new challenges in your marriage, but you will be authentic and present for them. This is best. Keep posting, Bob, and welcome to the team.

Anna

Hi,

It is scary and I know it must have been very hard to come clean to your mother and wife. And, yes, you're right that you do need to be more patient and allow your family some time to deal with the news. When I stopped drinking, I had some feelings of frustration, too. Before I started drinking, I had reached out to my husband for help with depression/anxiety. At least, I thought I had. He didn't see it that way. And, in recovery I have learned that I can't put my perspective on what happened, on to someone else. It was my experience and I had to recover.

sugarbear1

It's about YOU and not them. You are changing your behavior, awesome!!! You can stay stopped, too!