Anyone Good At Amends
 

I just kind of fall apart and get emotionally tongue tied. So much guilt, shame regret etc. comes up don't know how to deal with it. I really want to do it but it very hard for me. I can't even amend myself. I'll keep working. Peace and love

I think it will just take time. Maybe the best amend is the unspoken act of just getting better on your own and letting them see you are not the vile drunk we once were.

Get your 8th step list....Make three columns...Easy...Difficult and Never...Start with the Easy ones...Difficult next...and by the time you are done with them you'll be ready for the Nevers....And don't forget to ask HP for help with courage and the right words.

I'm good with keeping up with my amends now, as I screw up I admit it, apologize asap, & fix it if possible. What a relief. Not so good with some older stuff. I blame me for so many things, sometimes I think, where does it stop? Does it always come down to me? I guess so.

Amen.

I don't think I'll ever be done with my ninth step...I was a tornado most of my life. I wrote letters to people I don't know who they are or where they are...Prayed and burned them. Visited grave sites when I could...I have my living amends....But as I trudge through life I'm sure I'll run into opportunities to do f2f amends with people. This will be a life long process for me...But I'm OK with that.....Just do it to the best of your ability Fitz....The promises come true....If they haven't already.

Thanks all very helpful, I'll keep on working. Won't ever say never. And life is good.

Can't ever say never...Use it as a motivator...

(((Fitz))) - the people I had to make the greatest (IMO) amends to were my dad/stepmom. I never really said anything, past "I'm sorry" but I have made living amends. There are people and pets I can't make amends to...they're gone.

There is a chance (since I've reconnected with old friends) that I will come into contact with XABF#1. We were a wreck - me codie and close to being an alcoholic to deal with him, he's an ACOA an A. I've thought about it, and I don't know how it will go if we DO run across each other, but I've practiced what I will say "I'm sorry for my part in the problems we had. I'm not that person any more, and I wish you the best in life".

My pets that I let down? I can't make amends to them, but I live my amends to the pets I have now.

Though I don't have much experience in making amends (the rest of my family just told me "we don't need the details, we're just glad you're doing good", I do think it gets easier in time.

I know it's an important part of our recovery, I'm willing to do it to whomever I hurt, but the more recovery I have? My actions speak louder than words. I will say, it took me a while to get to this point. If it's hard for you, now, maybe take a break and try again later.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Again thanks, I guess the real amends are living well. I Take care of my dog, I help my neighbors in anyway possible, I read and post SR etc etc I guess I just need to live a good life. And I did laugh my butt off today. I will keep trooping. Thanks freinds.

The greatest thing about the 9th step, is that the 8th step comes before it, and the 8th step says, "made a list... and became willing to make ammends to them all". It's flat out saying that this is something we don't want to do, and something that most, if not all of us, struggle with. :) The point is that we resolve to become willing, which seems like the exact spot you're at. It's time to start addressing the willingness (or lack of). Which is pretty much exactly what you're doing in this post.

A lot of the ammends I needed to make involved paying back money to people, money I didn't have. Or at least didn't want to part with. But I wanted to be willing, and prayed for it. I prayed that when the time is right I be given whatever it is I need to proceed. In everything actually. It freaked me out when I actually made some of the ammends I had to. One that sticks out most in my memory was with a dude I owed $100 to for about 5 years. He lived across the street from me. I was sitting on the porch of my parent's house (he lived across the street), and I had just gotten paid from my first sober part time job. $100. I saw him, and it was as though I was possessed. I yelled his name out and told him to come over. I handed him all the cash in my pocket, thanked him, and sincerely apologized for the 5 year wait. He was dumbfounded. So was I. Felt like I was on drugs. I survived without the money, and it was one of the best $100 I ever spent. I never had to avoid that guy again, and my self esteem shot up 1000 points. I had a handful of similar experiences after that.

Point is, it's fine and normal to struggle with ammends. Be willing, and if you have faith in a higher power ask for help. The job will eventually get done.

Have you read Ernest Kurtz "Shame & Guilt" book? It might help.

Hi Fitzs

this topic is very relevant for me. I feel both overwhelmed and confused by it.

But if the BB says to do it then I am willing to do it.

The BB hasn't let me down yet, also
I am curious than Life can really get better than it already is.
All the best Fitz

CaiHong