Just joined this forum. My girlfriend is an alcholic
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1
Just joined this forum. My girlfriend is an alcholic
Hi All,
My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years (living together for almost 2). I love this girl more than I've loved anyone. I didn't catch on to the fact that she had a drinking problem until a few month into our relationship. She had gastric bypass surgery in '06. So she doesn't have to drink a whole lot like most people to get drunk. I had always thought she just didn't wanna accept the fact that because of her surgery she couldn't eat/drink like a "normal" person anymore and was having trouble dealing with that alone. Here we are almost 3 years later and she can admit that she is an alcoholic. In October last year, she went to the hospital because her liver was in bad shape and she starting getting Jaundice. This was from all the drinking she had been hiding from me. She also wasn't eating right or taking her vitamins and she gained a bad vitamin deficiency that messed up her eyes and feet/hands. She spent 7 days in that hospital and that's when she kinda came to terms that she had a few problems. She started going to monthly counseling and started taking vitamins daily. She also quit drinking. She lost her job in late 2010 and hasn't been able to find another one since. She has a 6 year old daughter from her previous marriage who lived with us. All through November/December last year she seemed to always be snappy and depressed. We argued quite frequently about random things. A few days before New Year's we got in a heated argument and she had her ex-husband come pick her up and take her to her parent's house to stay the night. The next day we talked and made up and she came back home. All seemed fine, until Jan. 19 we got into another argument. The next day she told me it was over and that she was leaving and taking her daughter to the town where her ex lived (about 1.5hrs away). She said her daughter was not happy here and wasn't doing good in school and had no friends. My girlfriend said she wasn't happy here either. She said we lived too far away from the city where she could find a new job and that I had shut down communication with her and felt like I was seeing her and her daughter as a burden. So she left and went to the town where her ex lives and put her daughter into school there. 3 days passed and I pleaded and talked to her and opened up more and told her my feelings because I couldn't take the fact that I was about to lose this woman I loved so much. After 3 days of being gone, she realized that she didn't want to leave me and was not going to be happy herself without me. But she didn't want her daughter to come back and be miserable. She saw how happy her daughter was being in this town with her daddy and how happy she was at this new school. She made a very difficult decision and decided to give custody to her ex. In one hand I'm sad that she's been with her daughter almost every single day since she was born, and now she's only gonna see her every other weekend. But in the other hand, it makes me love her even more that she was willing to make that decision in order to still be with me. She knows her daughter is in a better place and a more happy place now, but she has been grieving and mourning very bad.
She had started drinking again a few days before she left me. Her mom, dad, and I had an intervention with her on Feb. 1st and I took her to the ER that evening because she was drinking and being self-destructive to herself (cutting herself, burning cigarettes on her arm, hitting things and busting her knuckles open). She spent the next 5 days in a detox center. She came out with a whole new mindset and eye-opening experience that she knew she had a problem and needed to get help. She started doing the 90/90 and has been taking anti-depressants to help her cope with the anxiety and depression. I've been to a few AA meeting with her and have been extremely supportive of her and more open with her when she needs to talk about stuff. She's brought up that she wants to marry me and has insisted on me giving her a ballpark date on when it's gonna happen. I just keep telling her I wanna do it no later than a year from now. She says she needs to have some stability in her life and needs to know when we're gonna get married. The days that she was gone, I found out she had talked to an old old ex boyfriend from like 10 years ago on her cell phone. She thought we were done and started talking to this guy. I saw where she had said "I love you" to him and calling him "honey" and "baby". She also said some things in the text messages about wanting him to hold her and that they always had a connection. I confronted her with this a few days ago after I also found out she had talked to him again after we got back together. She said those words she told him were "fake" and that since I wouldn't talk to her, she was pretending she was saying those things to me, not the guy on the other end of the phone. Her excuse for talking to him a couple days ago was because he's also a heavy drinker, plus a frequent marijuana user who's in a bad marriage. She said she's trying to convince him to attend AA and get some help. I told her I wasn't comfortable with her talking to him, especially after all the stuff they said to each other prior. So she told him she couldn't talk to him anymore because it was jeopardizing our relationship. Well....I saw last night that his number was called. Now remember this was last night when she had her relapse. I haven't told her I know she called him, and I'm not sure if there was even a conversation. Why would she call him, after she knows how I feel about it??
Last night was the first time seeing her daughter since she gave the custody over, so it's been almost a month since she's seen her daughter. I was at work. Her ex calls me asking where she was, because she was an hour late picking up their daughter. Come to find out, she was so nervous and scared of seeing her daughter, that she slipped and got drunk yesterday afternoon to "Numb the pain" as she says. I was very upset with her and we had an argument, which then turned into a comforting heart-to-heart discussion. She's always telling me she's sorry for putting me through all this, and how I don't deserve this. When she gets in her depressed state, she always likes to bring up how much of a failure she is and asks why I'm even still with her. That she expects me to get fed up and leave her. Not once have I threatened to leave her. I am getting to the point of where I'm tired of hearing "I'm sorry" only to be let down again eventually. I DO want to marry her, but I don't want to while she's still in this state of mind. I'm scared that she may never recover from her alcoholism and depression, no matter how much I try to help her and support her. I desperately want her to change and be happy and give her the best and happiest life she deserves. Am I wrong for being hesitant in asking her to marry me right now?? Because I'm scared to confide in her about it. I don't want to lose her, but I also don't know how long I can go on dealing with her problem before I get to my wits end. I'm still here and willing to help her and do all I can to help her get out of this hole.
Thanks for all of you who took the time to read this and offer any advice.
My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years (living together for almost 2). I love this girl more than I've loved anyone. I didn't catch on to the fact that she had a drinking problem until a few month into our relationship. She had gastric bypass surgery in '06. So she doesn't have to drink a whole lot like most people to get drunk. I had always thought she just didn't wanna accept the fact that because of her surgery she couldn't eat/drink like a "normal" person anymore and was having trouble dealing with that alone. Here we are almost 3 years later and she can admit that she is an alcoholic. In October last year, she went to the hospital because her liver was in bad shape and she starting getting Jaundice. This was from all the drinking she had been hiding from me. She also wasn't eating right or taking her vitamins and she gained a bad vitamin deficiency that messed up her eyes and feet/hands. She spent 7 days in that hospital and that's when she kinda came to terms that she had a few problems. She started going to monthly counseling and started taking vitamins daily. She also quit drinking. She lost her job in late 2010 and hasn't been able to find another one since. She has a 6 year old daughter from her previous marriage who lived with us. All through November/December last year she seemed to always be snappy and depressed. We argued quite frequently about random things. A few days before New Year's we got in a heated argument and she had her ex-husband come pick her up and take her to her parent's house to stay the night. The next day we talked and made up and she came back home. All seemed fine, until Jan. 19 we got into another argument. The next day she told me it was over and that she was leaving and taking her daughter to the town where her ex lived (about 1.5hrs away). She said her daughter was not happy here and wasn't doing good in school and had no friends. My girlfriend said she wasn't happy here either. She said we lived too far away from the city where she could find a new job and that I had shut down communication with her and felt like I was seeing her and her daughter as a burden. So she left and went to the town where her ex lives and put her daughter into school there. 3 days passed and I pleaded and talked to her and opened up more and told her my feelings because I couldn't take the fact that I was about to lose this woman I loved so much. After 3 days of being gone, she realized that she didn't want to leave me and was not going to be happy herself without me. But she didn't want her daughter to come back and be miserable. She saw how happy her daughter was being in this town with her daddy and how happy she was at this new school. She made a very difficult decision and decided to give custody to her ex. In one hand I'm sad that she's been with her daughter almost every single day since she was born, and now she's only gonna see her every other weekend. But in the other hand, it makes me love her even more that she was willing to make that decision in order to still be with me. She knows her daughter is in a better place and a more happy place now, but she has been grieving and mourning very bad.
She had started drinking again a few days before she left me. Her mom, dad, and I had an intervention with her on Feb. 1st and I took her to the ER that evening because she was drinking and being self-destructive to herself (cutting herself, burning cigarettes on her arm, hitting things and busting her knuckles open). She spent the next 5 days in a detox center. She came out with a whole new mindset and eye-opening experience that she knew she had a problem and needed to get help. She started doing the 90/90 and has been taking anti-depressants to help her cope with the anxiety and depression. I've been to a few AA meeting with her and have been extremely supportive of her and more open with her when she needs to talk about stuff. She's brought up that she wants to marry me and has insisted on me giving her a ballpark date on when it's gonna happen. I just keep telling her I wanna do it no later than a year from now. She says she needs to have some stability in her life and needs to know when we're gonna get married. The days that she was gone, I found out she had talked to an old old ex boyfriend from like 10 years ago on her cell phone. She thought we were done and started talking to this guy. I saw where she had said "I love you" to him and calling him "honey" and "baby". She also said some things in the text messages about wanting him to hold her and that they always had a connection. I confronted her with this a few days ago after I also found out she had talked to him again after we got back together. She said those words she told him were "fake" and that since I wouldn't talk to her, she was pretending she was saying those things to me, not the guy on the other end of the phone. Her excuse for talking to him a couple days ago was because he's also a heavy drinker, plus a frequent marijuana user who's in a bad marriage. She said she's trying to convince him to attend AA and get some help. I told her I wasn't comfortable with her talking to him, especially after all the stuff they said to each other prior. So she told him she couldn't talk to him anymore because it was jeopardizing our relationship. Well....I saw last night that his number was called. Now remember this was last night when she had her relapse. I haven't told her I know she called him, and I'm not sure if there was even a conversation. Why would she call him, after she knows how I feel about it??
Last night was the first time seeing her daughter since she gave the custody over, so it's been almost a month since she's seen her daughter. I was at work. Her ex calls me asking where she was, because she was an hour late picking up their daughter. Come to find out, she was so nervous and scared of seeing her daughter, that she slipped and got drunk yesterday afternoon to "Numb the pain" as she says. I was very upset with her and we had an argument, which then turned into a comforting heart-to-heart discussion. She's always telling me she's sorry for putting me through all this, and how I don't deserve this. When she gets in her depressed state, she always likes to bring up how much of a failure she is and asks why I'm even still with her. That she expects me to get fed up and leave her. Not once have I threatened to leave her. I am getting to the point of where I'm tired of hearing "I'm sorry" only to be let down again eventually. I DO want to marry her, but I don't want to while she's still in this state of mind. I'm scared that she may never recover from her alcoholism and depression, no matter how much I try to help her and support her. I desperately want her to change and be happy and give her the best and happiest life she deserves. Am I wrong for being hesitant in asking her to marry me right now?? Because I'm scared to confide in her about it. I don't want to lose her, but I also don't know how long I can go on dealing with her problem before I get to my wits end. I'm still here and willing to help her and do all I can to help her get out of this hole.
Thanks for all of you who took the time to read this and offer any advice.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Am I wrong for being hesitant in asking her to marry me right now??
Absolutely not....I think that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen...This girl sounds like she has a serious problem...Both with alcohol and the truth. I can't imagine she would give up her kid like that...And then go drink after not seeing her for a month....No...I wouldn't touch this one yet.....She needs some serious help. And don't forget to think about your own future.
Absolutely not....I think that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen...This girl sounds like she has a serious problem...Both with alcohol and the truth. I can't imagine she would give up her kid like that...And then go drink after not seeing her for a month....No...I wouldn't touch this one yet.....She needs some serious help. And don't forget to think about your own future.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 23
Hello and welcome Ksp1123,
Thank you for sharing your story. I have not had any experience being in a relationship with an alcoholic so I'm just going to share with you what I would recommend based from the information that you gave.
Consider joining an alanon group. There should be a lot if support there. You are not responsible for someone else's happiness or sobriety. You're girlfriend has to be the one to decide to change. Be careful when someone tries to manipulate you. Love doesn't involve manipulation. Do not feel pressured to rushing into anything. Hope this helps a little
Take care!
Thank you for sharing your story. I have not had any experience being in a relationship with an alcoholic so I'm just going to share with you what I would recommend based from the information that you gave.
Consider joining an alanon group. There should be a lot if support there. You are not responsible for someone else's happiness or sobriety. You're girlfriend has to be the one to decide to change. Be careful when someone tries to manipulate you. Love doesn't involve manipulation. Do not feel pressured to rushing into anything. Hope this helps a little
Take care!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 205
Run forest RUN. Get out of there and never look back...
Picture this for a moment. Remember Thelma and Louise when they were driving towards the cliff? Well thats you in the passenger seat right now. You have 2 options, jump out from the moving vehicle which will still hurt and cause a bit of pain...OR you can stay in the car and go off the cliff.
Picture this for a moment. Remember Thelma and Louise when they were driving towards the cliff? Well thats you in the passenger seat right now. You have 2 options, jump out from the moving vehicle which will still hurt and cause a bit of pain...OR you can stay in the car and go off the cliff.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
Hi and welcome ksp
I don't think you're wrong to want to wait - this is a big issue.
Noone should ever feel pressured into marriage either.
As an alcoholic myself, I can tell you the bottom line is your gf needs to want to get well herself - she needs to be prepared to do the work herself.
It would be wonderful if we could love someone into recovery but that's just not possible, in my experience.
It is possible tho for you to find support and help tho
Al Anon is an option many people take - I also hope you'll check out our Family and Friends forums too - you'll find a lot of people there who've been through similar situations as well.
D
I don't think you're wrong to want to wait - this is a big issue.
Noone should ever feel pressured into marriage either.
As an alcoholic myself, I can tell you the bottom line is your gf needs to want to get well herself - she needs to be prepared to do the work herself.
It would be wonderful if we could love someone into recovery but that's just not possible, in my experience.
It is possible tho for you to find support and help tho
Al Anon is an option many people take - I also hope you'll check out our Family and Friends forums too - you'll find a lot of people there who've been through similar situations as well.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Toronto
Posts: 443
Hate to say it pal but while I was reading your post, I could hear the alarm bells from here and it sounded like "ABANDON SHIP". It seems to me like she's treating you like a door mat. You should check out Alanon though...regardless of what goes down. It's entirely possible it will only worse. Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I go along with the previous posters....I have been the alcoholic girlfriend, and even though I am a very good person sober, I remember manipulating and treating people close to me very badly when drinking. I know you don't want to desert her, but you can't enable her either. You can't love her sober and you need to take care of yourself.
This must be very draining. Alanon is a very, very good idea. Take care.
This must be very draining. Alanon is a very, very good idea. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,635
It does not sound like she has much sobriety under her belt.
As an alcoholic myself, I would not advise you to get married until she has been sober for a good while. She sounds like she has a lot of issues she needs to work out. Alanon sounds like a good idea for you.
The old boyfriend is a whole nother ball of wax. I don't know what to say there, except to watch out.
As an alcoholic myself, I would not advise you to get married until she has been sober for a good while. She sounds like she has a lot of issues she needs to work out. Alanon sounds like a good idea for you.
The old boyfriend is a whole nother ball of wax. I don't know what to say there, except to watch out.
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