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Major problem tonight

Old 02-16-2012, 04:34 PM
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Angry Major problem tonight

Today I am 23 days sober. And there is a meeting tonight that I have made the last 3 weeks, that I enjoy.

I have made it clear all day to my wife that I planned on going to this meeting.

Now... when I got home from work tonight I was witness to some MAJOR over reactions toward things at our house and I called her on them (not in a mean way, just a simple calling out). She got upset and exclaimed that I wasn't going to the meeting, she was. (there is al-anon same location). We have two small children who are both sick with RSV and can not go out right now due to being contagious.

The kicker of it for me is, she has grown up in al-anon. And has regularly attended meeting for better than half her life.

Why would she put me in this position? I'm 23 days sober, and I NEED these meetings. All this has done is left me with a very strong desire to drink. Because if I don't have the support of my wife, why bother?
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Old 02-16-2012, 04:41 PM
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why bother?

why bother? cause you're doing this for your own well being, that's why. never mind your wife. get well for yourself. as to the meetings, i hope you two can work out a schedule for you both to attend your meetings, but don't rest your sobriety on her cooperation. stay sober cause you want to be sober.
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Old 02-16-2012, 04:48 PM
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Is that the only meeting you go to for the week?
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Old 02-16-2012, 04:49 PM
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Because you're getting sober for yourself, and for your children. Why bother - because you need to care enough to do this for yourself.

Your wife is doing what works for her, which is AlAnon and hopefully she is finding support there.
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Old 02-16-2012, 05:34 PM
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I suggest you relax, be the daddy and take care of those babies tonight. Your wife has been there all day and probably needs to get out. Yes, you were at work, but tonight it's time to open your tool box and deal with life. After you are with the babies for a bit and they get in bed....journal, call someone in the program (you have numbers, right?), call your sponsor, or get online and get to aa online chat room ( AAOnline.net Chat Meeting Room ) meeting is at 9:30 EST or one hour from this post, or go to Addiction, Alcoholism - In The Rooms - Drug Addiction Treatment and see if there's a meeting or start a room for a meeting or chat, come here to the chat room, options, so many options today. No drama required.

Later tonight or tomorrow, have a meeting with your wife. Start with the Serenity Prayer, share, take turns to speak. It's time to start a new life with your wife. You may not have created a lot of problems, but even an absentee (drunk) hubby creates problems by omission.

If you don't have a sponsor or haven't started the steps, this is the solution. Meetings help with the fellowship, but the fellowship is on the phone or computer, too. We're at SR, too!

I wish you a peaceful night and prayers sent for the babies.
Hugs,
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Old 02-16-2012, 05:41 PM
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What she said!
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Old 02-16-2012, 05:43 PM
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Good advice here, Jason. Please don't give up on your sobriety - no matter what. Congratulations on your hard-earned 23 days. I understand you were thrown off guard, but please don't let this lead to a relapse. Hold on to your new sober life - you can do this.
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Old 02-16-2012, 05:43 PM
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JasonD,

I think if you look at the situation from a Step 3 perspective, and especially when you look at it in Step 4, you may see things very differently than you do with your current perception.
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Old 02-16-2012, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by JasonD207 View Post
I'm 23 days sober, and I NEED these meetings.
If you hang around long enough, you may find that 'meeting makers' don't necessarily make it.

Originally Posted by JasonD207 View Post
All this has done is left me with a very strong desire to drink. Because if I don't have the support of my wife, why bother?
Your desire for her 'support' in order to not drink is nothing more, and nothing less, than a dignified plan to get drunk in the perceived absence of support. Why bother? So that you can recover, and then be worthy of receiving support, on account of being capable of giving it in return.
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Old 02-16-2012, 06:07 PM
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I am just wondering about the passive-aggressive behavior of your wife. Could it be that she is seeing you get healthy and wondering about her role? It may not be at all about you, but about how she perceives her place as you get well and are advocating for yourself. I think the sitting down and having a "meeting" with her and you alone is a great idea. Sometimes, it's hard to see the side of our loved ones in all this. We get healthy, they have to change their roles. It's not always about them "supporting" us, but learning who we are underneath, and who they are in relation to us. I'm sorry if this sounds mottled, but I've been on both ends, and know how hard ALL the readjustments are. Just because we're getting better doesn't mean it's more important than our loved ones needs or routines. It's not about support, it's about respect and compromise.

Lisa.
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Old 02-16-2012, 06:08 PM
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Don't do it for your wife. Do it for yourself. You might think that you need the meetings, but you really don't. Stay strong and if you need to, you can call someone from one of your meetings. One thing I've learned is that "it will all just blow over". Best of luck to you friend.
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Old 02-16-2012, 08:45 PM
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Originally Posted by JasonD207 View Post
All this has done is left me with a very strong desire to drink. Because if I don't have the support of my wife, why bother?
Up there, quoted... in red... bolded... ummm, seriously?

I digress. That lame excuse for the inevitable, eventual benders was one of my all time favorites actually. "She's a right owly b!tch tonight, so I'm getting $h!tfaced!" Often it went from that to "Screw it. Why do I care if no one else does?" Awesome stuff right there. Hell, if everyone here at SR put together a Greatest Hits CD package, your rationale would be right up there with "What's The Point", and "When Life Starts Sucking, I Start Drinking". Sing along if you want.

IMHO you're not really grasping all the facts about this thing yet mate, and I don't say that with any judgment attached or ill will. I was there at one point also. Most of us were I dare say. Thing is; your sobriety - as well as your drinking - has absolutely nothing to do with the other people in your life. Don't get me wrong, they often make for the best relapse excuses, but quite simply you don't drink because of them, and you don't NOT drink because of them. You drink because you're an alcoholic. And now you DON'T drink because you're an alcoholic. See how that works? God forbid you had kept drinking long enough that nobody was crazy enough or willing to stay in your life anymore. Therein you would fully appreciate how getting sober is still the exact same requirement for health and sanity, absent anyone around to muck up your best laid plans.

Sobriety has to be something you need for your own sanity and health, and not usually achieved from lofty ideals of family support, or any amount of unconditional love and understanding from your significant others. Applying those conditions to your sobriety is just a nice set of fail-safe trap doors for that next bender. I mean yeah, it certainly would help - if you happen to be the luckiest alcoholic on earth - but otherwise it's a fantasy. Hell, for some of us we come to sobriety while simultaneously hoping our wives/husbands aren't waiting to drop a piano on our heads from some of the crazy and tragic $h!t we've done.

This is all about you mano. Full stop. You have to want and need this thing even in the complete and total absence of any loved one's support, approval, or otherwise.

I'd also add what others have said here; meetings are not AA... the 12 steps, guided by a competent sponsor is what truly makes AA work, and what makes the program effective at helping you NOT need to drink. Meetings are there to augment the work and provide a fellowship and some support. If you miss a meeting here and there, it's like many have already said, make your own meeting. Come here and start threads - answer other threads. Chat at intherooms.com. Ask questions. Call your sponsor. Listen to some speaker tapes. Read the Big Book. Whatever it takes amigo.

Is your wife being unreasonable? Sure, from a certain perspective. You're newly sober and your hold on the entire concept is still tenuous. Should she be more understanding of this, knowing the way the program works? That's on her to figure out, certainly not on you to point it out. Should her actions make one bit of a difference to your program? Absolutely not. You've got bigger fish to fry.

Originally Posted by JasonD207 View Post
Why would she put me in this position?
Ummm, sorry bro, but she didn't put you in this position. You put yourself in the position of arguing over meetings the moment you drank yourself into needing them in the first place.

Best quote I ever heard at one point in my life... This Too Shall Pass. Don't get caught up in anything right now, just breathe. Hell you are only 23 days sober. Take a few minutes and go look your kids square in the eyes. What looks back at you is all the support you'll ever need.
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Old 02-18-2012, 08:17 AM
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Thank you everyone for all your words and messages. I ended up being able to go to the meeting after a short talk with my wife. After the meeting we had a much longer, and needed, talk. A Peaceful one even.

This is a whole new world for me, and I freely admit I don't know how to handle it. My first thoughts are not to call people or go online, they are to make excuses. I do with my smoking addiction all the time too. I have an addicts mind after all.

I am thankful to say I did not pick up a drink. And I see what you are all saying... this is all about ME. No one else. I am the alcoholic with the stinking thinking.

And thank you for the reminder about my children, they are the most precious and beautiful things in my life. Their natural innocence is enough to put a smile on my face and hope in my heart when my mind is clouded and going in circles and I can't remember what I need to do.
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Old 02-18-2012, 08:21 AM
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Way to go! Be proud of yourself, we are
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Old 02-18-2012, 08:26 AM
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What step are you on? What's your sponsor say?

If you don't yet have a sponsor, get a temporary one. Meeting makers make a lot of meetings.

The steps are your solution to replace the old solution: alcohol.

Peace! I hope the babies are feeling better!!
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