ultrabunnyrun

Today is day 2 and it has been up and down, but I didn't drink :-)

I had a really horrible thought though... Earlier in the day I was getting ready to go shopping and I thought.. right now I would like to go somewhere like a hotel for a few days on my own and just get totally trashed, without anyone needing me, phoning me, watching and judging me. Heaven, I thought.

When the moment had passed, I was struck by how terribly sad that was and how this illness does progress without you really knowing sometimes.

The fact that I actually desired to shut myself away from the world and drink myself into a stupor. Scary, very very scary.

Don't mean to bring anyone down but just needed to share that.

Anna

There was a moment when I had a similar thought and thank god I didn't act on it.

Like you, I realized how dark that picture was, and it propelled me to start to work hard on recovery.

Anewlife4me11

I'm on day 2 also and haven't given in either but the anxiety and guilt of letting myself get to this point is really hard!!!
I'm just praying for strength to get through another day!
Good luck and stay strong!

instant

It was not until I tried to break free that I realised how tight the grip was. It is like some horror movie. Whatever you experience as long as you don't step out of the circle (ie don't drink) you will come through.

All the stories that went through my head, and all the "real" emotions of anguish and dread, the "terror" of forever without alcohol.....................all melted away.

There is freedom if you keep going.

Sapling

You get thoughts like that...Sit down and read the Big Book....Go to a meeting...Call another alcoholic...You do have some numbers dont you?

soberlicious

I've had the exact same "fantasy" and many, many others like it.

You recognize it as irrational, so you are farther along than I was.

There is nothing to fear, but fear itself.

Instant is right....there is freedom.

laurie6781

You can get past this. And I can tell you that the longer you stay sober the more that 'thought' of what 'heaven' is will change.

I have been sober many a year now, and for years my thought of 'heaven' is this:
'
Going away to a luxurious hotel that has a spa and wonderful dining. Sleeping in, going to 'the spa' for a wonderful massage, taking a nap, dressing for dinner, have a WONDERFUL meal, listening to some music, going back to the 'suite', using the jacuzi tub, going to bed and doing the same thing again all over again.

It seems that most of my recovery, I have always wanted MORE SLEEP, lol And believe it or not, there is not one 'thought' about any alcohol in that 'heaven' I conjure up.

It will happen for you also. Have you thought about any sort of 'plan' yet to acquire 'tools' to assist you in your ongoing recovery?

Keep moving forward. Recovery is something that is absolutely wonderful.

Love and hugs,

Dee74

I think most of us have had those thoughts, especially after just quitting.

It's a scary time all over - running away and forgetting about responsibility probably look good sometimes - but it's a fantasy - and it's a fantasy we all know doesn't end well in reality.

You faced it and dismissed it - that's not sad at all

D

sugarbear1

Thoughts come and go. Feelings change. Neither my thoughts or my feelings are facts. They do not determine who I am.

Glad your thought was fleeting. My thoughts still come, but I can think them through today. My feelings can be felt and not stuffed inside.

Congratulations on 2 days!!!!!! You are awesome!!!!!

sissy07

I had those thoughts years ago, and guess what....I did it. Not a stellar moment in my life, that's for sure....and it went downhill from there.

katrinka

I actually felt a little sad today because I couldn't drink away my vacation next week and I honestly don't want to do that. These thoughts are very strange aren't they? I call it my "enemy brain" talking.

ashevilleredo

One of the last few times I quit (don't think I was doing AA or anything, just trying to do it on my own a few years ago) I frequently had a fantasy during that time of getting a motel room by myself, giving myself a "night off" from abstinence, and being tethered/"chained" in some way to the heater or table so I couldn't get myself in trouble by leaving the room and then being allowed to indulge myself to my heart's content all by myself. When I quit the time before now, they were more "normalized" fantasies, drinking the perfect pint in the perfect bar, glass of wine on a perfect day in San Fran, running amok in New Orleans. I went through a period of mourning almost, definitely some obsession, for these things. It faded but clearly so too did my commitment to walking away from all that. (also rationalized my way out of doing step #4). I let myself have that "one time" and then some more on special occasions and then just a period of "the last go-around." Except it wasn't any of those perfect idealized situations, in fact I was too busy hiding out on my porch drinking by myself and going to the moon in my crazy brain to get myself back out of town or have much in the way of memorable "perfect drinking situations."