saphira

I've been struggling a lot lately. I've been drinking a bit... nothing close to what I was, but still problematic. I feel so completely depressed about my inability to stay sober. I've heard you all say so many times that you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink. My question to you is this: How do you get to the point where you feel worthy of being sober? I never thought my self-esteem was so low, but after talking to my therapist it's obvious that I use drinking as a punishment for myself because I don't feel that I deserve better. I think happiness scares me and I sabatage myself before I really have a chance to feel better.
At this point I don't know what to do. I can't seem to care about myself enough to quit. It feels like a losing battle at this point and I don't want it to be. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

WhySoSerious

AA meetings make me feel better when i feel down... the scariest part about the meeting is driving there... once youre there its awesome! and you dont have to feel pressured to pick up a chip when you go, just check it out youll only be out 1 hour and, at least for me, leave happier than when you showed up

Sapling

You say your drinking is problematic....I think you are worthy of finding a solution to that problem...That's about as simple as I can put it.

aasharon90

We are all worthy of something. Especially of
love. If theraphy is necessary to help with
convencing then take it till you can feel it
inside ur heart and soul.

So many times i was beat as a child due to a
parents illness with presciption meds and alcohol
and yet i couldnt understand why I deserved
such brutal punishment.

Under my moms cruelty is a lovely women, much
older today, but i still have a vivid image in my mind
of a beautiful, lovely, attractive lady. However her
illness made her ugly. A monster. Which over the yrs.
has divided any kind of mother daughter relationship
we could have possibly had. Sadly today, there is none.

Each beating i sustained from her, i looked in the mirror
with tears streaming and thinking i was the uglies thing
on this Earth....the more i looked and prayed and talked
to my HP, knowing I was one of His little girls and He
loves me more than anything, softness came over my
face and some sense of peace and strength came over
me.

Over the yrs. even when i was into my alcoholic
addiction, never did i think my HP wasnt with me
guiding me and protecting me all along the way.

And how do I know He is for real and that I am
deserving of this sober life is because I have been
sober for that last 21 yrs. taking one step at a time.

In my heart, soul and faith I believe we are all a
special child in my HP's eyes worth of love, care,
guidance, understanding and a chance to live life
happy, joyous and free from addiction.

GirlFromCO

Hugs to you both, Saphira and Sharon. My own experience resonates deeply with what you both are expressing. I'm at work right now so I can't type much but I will say this: At some point I realized that I was not punishing myself - I was actually continuing the work my parents started. Love yourself and don't let them win, dear heart. You deserve so much better.

Joe Nerv

I am a big advocate for therapy. I spent many years on and off with different therapists. I do also believe that some are dangerous, as I've been with them, and I think your therapist is suggesting dangerous ideas. If you have no strong attachment I'd find another that will help build upon your strengths as opposed to give you fuel to continue destroying yourself. I don't believe you drink becuase of your low self esteem, nor that you continue to do so in order to punish yourself. I believe you drink because you're an alcoholic. Do you think for a second that there is a single person here who didn't hate themselves when they were in the throws of their addiction? Low self esteem would have been a nice thing for me. I had no self esteem. I hated myself emphatically. I'd do anything and everything I could to punish myself. I wanted to die. And it was the alcohol that tricked me into thinking it was a thousand different reasons I felt this way. Once alcohol was out of the picture, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING changed. You're not alone, and from how it sounds, you're far from hopeless.

As for "wanting it enough," an extension cord around my neck was how far I had to go. Others don't have to go that far, and it sounds as though you've still got some sense and willingness. I'm not one of those "AA is the only way", and you HAVE TO WORK THE STEPS if you want to get sober kind of guys, but I want to say this. If nothing else is working, then at least give it a go. There is no way it's going to hurt you, and you can always change your mind down the road. A solid commitment to 90 days in AA giving the best possible go you can at working the steps, reading the bigbook, and taking any and all suggestions isn't the hardest thing in the world to do. And it might just change everything in your life. For the better.

Without going into a huge qualification, when I walked through the doors of AA I was a 23 year old dude with nothing but a strong desire to die. No education, no job, no money, no self esteem, no hope... nothing. 27 years later I've traveled the world, gone to college, become a teacher, lived my dream as musician (did some tours w a well known artist), became a landlord, gotten married... the list goes on endlessly. None of those things were even remote dreams, all I wanted to do was feel OK. Do yourself a favor. Dive completely into AA and give it a shot. While it's not the only solution, it's still (as far as I know), the best.

2granddaughters

I was first confronted with my convoluted thinking in the Recovery Home when I was asked if I was doing my morning prayer.

"No" I said "as I find it hard to pray to a God that I don't believe in".

The group leader informed me that it is in the praying that I come to believe....
I had the cart before the horse... and I often do today as well. That's part of my "ISM's"

Saphira, this is where you learn about FAITH and TRUST . Do the "actions" and the feelings will come later. Do them on blind faith as the oldtimers did before you.

Simply put, I had to go to the AA meeting with broken spirit and place it into AA's hands. I listened to the oldtimers who had been sober for a long time and asked how they did it.... I had to say to myself "I guess I'd better try that myself if I want what they have"

I wish you the best !!

Bob

macknacat

Me Too. like Girlfrom i was just continuing what my parents had done- and even worse, inflicting the same on my innocent son....
So for me , it took being 44 jobless, friendless, family-less, within a month of homeless... When it came to a choice between rehab and liquor store/dealers house i prayed my first prayer "god help me i can't keep doing this"

and so began the Real Work. I did AA and NA . worked the steps then found a sponsor who was willing to do the inner child stuff that i had to do. That ol biker who kept his teddy bear close: "i know you spilled the juice teddy but its all right- i love you unconditionally. You are so much more important to me than any spilled juice" ...and i became a Father.

This is the real heroic Work- to feel worthy and hopeful is , for some of us, nothing more than our life's labor. But i am here to testify, that like Joe, i have discovered true self worth, And its reflected in my Big Life. -after this post i will: be back at work on a 31' catamaran i am building in my solar powered/heated shop. then i meet with a sponsee. Then i will confirm a carpentry job with my long ago ex wife, then play ping pong with a couple other old duffers. Then an NA meeting....

it works when i work it cause i'm worth it

Anna

Saphira, I totally understand what you're saying.

I spent months trying to stop drinking and going back. I would start to feel good after a few days, and it would throw me. I had no idea how to deal with feeling good/success/achievement. I was very comfortable with failing and losing, so I would go back to that because I knew what that was about.

Finally, I just had to stop and tell myself that I deserved a good life. We all do. I had to take a leap of faith and know that I could get used to feeling good.

Sapling

First off...Congrats on 27 years...That's awesome. I'm assuming you did work the steps and are not one of those....Meeting makers make it...kind of guys. While I agree AA is not the only way...I think it is %100 necessary to work the steps...The suggested program of recovery...Because that's the only suggestion they have. I'm fairly new and I could be wrong...Would love to hear your opinion on that.

Or anybody else's opinion on that...

Peter G

Whatever floats your boat. Gotta say though, drinking as a punishment sounds a lot like beast (alcoholic mind) talk. IMO you are making your problem into something more than it really is, attaching an unnecessary set of reasons to a condition that doesn't require such rationale. Besides, getting drunk is not punishment; getting drunk is an escape from punishment, along with everything else. Of course the repercussions of alcoholic drinking serve to punish us, but to say that you are drinking in some subconscious way, for that purpose? Meh... lofty, heady, and useless talk. You drink because you are an alcoholic. Full stop. If you don't like the term 'alcoholic', then how's this... you drink because you are a 'problem drinker', better yet, you drink because you just can't stop. What comes as a result of that drinking is neither here nor there when stopping is your goal.

I guess it's worth finding out why we drink, at a certain point, but I'd go out on a limb here and suggest that such a point of self discovery is best examined after at least 1 year of continuous sobriety. Until you have time between you and a bottle, what difference does it make why you drink, when at the moment, you can't stop? Stop first. Stay stopped long enough that your physiology returns to normal and your synapses regrow and attach to their proper places inside your - as of now - booze soaked head. Then ask your inner child to bare all the secrets you need in order to know about what causes you to feel unworthy and prone to self sabotage.

I don't say this lightly, I say this because after 10 years of worsening drinking I went the therapy route also, and struggled my ass off trying to find the reasons for behaviors I couldn't explain. Weird how I made some very serious strides in my own personal demons, yet I was still drinking my face off. I continued pounding back bottle after bottle for a decade or more. Knowing I was an occasional violent a$$ because my Dad threw me down a flight of stairs once did nothing to stop me tilting back a bottle. Sure, working through those things stopped me from regularly landing in jail for assault, but it certainly didn't stop my drinking. Discovering that from watching a plane crash at an air show when I was 8 years old I am afraid of flying? Same same. It's all good stuff, and working through that helped me get on airplanes without having a stroke. But the minute I was in the air I was still ordering triple shots of Jack Daniels.

I'd suggest that you are completely over-thinking this thing of ours, and trying to discover parts of your personality which have absolutely nothing to do with HOW you can stop drinking right now. Your epiphanies on self sabotage might be absolutely spot on... and they might be way off, but even if it's discovered through therapy that you are absolutely right it will do nothing to stop the cravings, nor the ritual of the drink, nor the compulsion to drink at inopportune moments, nor the physical allergy present after you've had a few, nor any of the sad and tragic consequences that come from a bender or 10.

Stop drinking first - through working the 12 steps of AA (as suggested), or any of many other programs that might be more suited to you - in any combination. Then, after some time, dig out the microscope again and find out why you were a pi$$tank - past tense.

As for you feeling unworthy enough to be sober? Well amigo, how about you picture this: your brain is currently soaking in a big tank filled with Vodka right now. Do you really think a mind in such a chronic state of physiological conflict can make sweeping qualifications as to what "worthy" even contextually means? After 20 some years of progressive alcoholism I couldn't even define what being "alive" meant, let alone worthy. I just knew - without a doubt - that being a suicidal drunk was definitely unworthy of any more of my time.

Bottom line Saphira is this: of course you are worthy. Who knows what monumental feats of philanthropy and success you are capable of, given a sober mind and body? You may end up being the only person alive that can save the frikin world from alien invasion. Seriously though mate, you have been anesthetized for so long it's obvious that making any qualifications on your potential, your capabilities, or your net worth to yourself and this world is beyond your current skill set. Why? Because you have yet to wholly participate in these things without the slant of an alcoholic mind. Pull your head out of the booze tank for a while and then look in the mirror and ask "am I worthy?". You'll be quite pleasantly surprised at the answer you get then, I'll guarantee it.

zxcirce

saphira I've been struggling with this as well, through 4 treatment centers in 6 months and disastrous relapses after each one. I would do well for a while and then the thought came back "I don't care about any of this" I was miserable sober....without knowing it I was falling into severe depression and nothing could touch me. So why not get drunk/high, fake euphoria felt better than crushing hopelessness...

I'm doing it differently this time---I finally realized that I need to treat my depression in order to get to a point where I care enough about ANYTHING in this life to want to stay sober and clean. I don't know if you are depressed but your post sounds kind of like it.

Good luck to you. I hope you find your desire to live and thrive .

artsoul

I think it's great that you're working with a therapist and gaining some insight.I believe we all have a fear of not being good enough. It can definitely run your life. I still fight with the thought that I have to be perfect to be "worthy."

I think it's hard to work on this stuff if you're still drinking, but something that's really helped me is the practice of "observing my thoughts."

When I am able to see a negative or scary thought for what it is-just a thought- I am able to take a step back and observe it rather than let it suck me in. When I let those thoughts/feelings control me, I go into panic mode and all I want is relief (alcohol). Then, of course, the drinking just adds its own brand of anxiety/depression, so it feeds on itself.

We forget that we don't have to act on every thought or feeling. We can let it pass. If you just notice the thought and observe it, you now have a choice whether to accept it or say "no, thanks." (hard to do at first, but it gets better with practice).

saphira

Wow... a lot to think about. I appreciate all of the responses. I think there is a lot of truth to the theory that my horrible treatment of myself is a continued thing from my parents. I also know that I am depressed, and am still trying to find the right medication to help with that. Zxcirce, that could definitely have a lot to do with it. Hard to care about being sober when you don't care about much else. Hopefully therapy and medication can help with that.

Peter G... wow. I'll admit, at first I was a little offended at your post. Then I realized that you said a lot of true things. Overanalyzing is something I am guilty of in every aspect of my life. I think about things too much, to a fault. I guess I just figured that since I only drink in the evenings that my brain was still pretty clear during the day. You're right about it affecting me though. I guess I can't expect to think clearly when I'm poisoning my brain. I'll have to think about everything you've said.

2granddaughters, your response touched me so much. I do struggle with faith, and I feel like that is something that could really help me. I've always been a spiritual person but have become pretty cynical as of late. I like your "cart before the horse" saying. I can see how that would be true.

At this point I'm still thinking about everything you all have said. I'll have to come up with a plan because what I'm doing is definitely not working. I should go to AA but the truth is that I am so scared. I seem to be scared of everything at this point, and I hate that about myself. I'm scared of life, and I'm sick of it. So the question is what I'm going to do about it. Something to think about.

lilgolden73

I could have wrote that! Hang in there!

Dee74

I've got to say Saphira - I didn't feel worthy of sobriety until some time after I'd quit.
I'd drunk for so long my perceptions and my own self esteem were all screwed up.

I told myself I didn't deserve sobriety or happiness either - but the truth was those things scared me.

I even identify with the punishment thing - I used to get a little perverse satisfaction from being ill.

My life was bad - but it was uncomfortably comfortable for a long time, if you get me.
It was hard to give that up because - by and large - I always convinced myself I 'managed'.

Eventually tho things got worse.
I knew I couldn't live my life a moment longer the way I was living it.

I had to make a leap of faith and trust that not drinking would be better for me than drinking - even if I didn't really know if that was the case, right there and then.

I was killing myself in mind body and spirit. I actually nearly died.

Waiting until you get to the point where you want to be sober more than you want to drink may not be not a luxury all of us have.

Taking the leap is scary, but I hope you'll do it Saphira - even if you're not entirely convinced right now.

You're not alone - you can do this - and it will be OK

D

sugarbear1

Alcohol was my solution, until it stopped working. Unfortunately, it took many years of heartache to get to that point.

You have a choice today. Try not drinking for 90 days. Then you can choose to drink again. Before it gets worse.

Terminally Unique

Purplecatlover

Saphira, you deserve to be happy. We were all put on this earth for a reason. It wasn't to slowly destroy ourselves w/alcohol. I had a horrible childhood & will have those scars forever but numbing yourself to not feel is not the answer, it only prolongs the problem. We are here for you, rooting for you. Try to quit & focus on any good thing in your life. I know it's hard to see but there has to be something. Be thankful you're still breathing. There are lots of people who wish they had just one more day of life.

You can do this. You are worth it. Look how many responded to you. We all care & understand what you're going through. I was at a point I wanted to die but that was the alcohol making me feel helpless, hopeless, miserable. Now I've been sober over a month & my whole perspective has changed. Im enjoying life, have self esteem.
But you have to stop poisoning your mind. Best wishes dear

john0777

This sounds like a great excuse to keep drinking. Unfortunately this disease is progressive and it will kill you. Please get to a meeting, you dont have to feel like you are worth anything, you just have to show up.