Minor existential crisis
 

I just joined this site today and I am looking for some support and clarity. I have been drinking for almost 10 years (that is so hard to admit). I have had success before with stopping drinking or controlling how much I drink, but lately it has gotten out of hand. I notice that my drinking increases as my daily stress increases. I am married to a chef, and he just opened his first restaurant 3 weeks ago (talk about stress). I am so proud of him, but I am also jealous of him and then feel guilty for being jealous (and then drink to mask the guilt). I also feel lonely because he is always working and even when he’s home, his mind is at work….which I understand…It’s a new business and I don’t think it will always be like this. But I drink…Currently, I hate my life. I can’t stand my job…not kidding, picture the T.V. show “The Office”, except with a boss that’s even more socially inept and is just an out right jerk. Just to give an example, I hired someone a few weeks ago and according to my boss I “made a mistake because she is too overweight and not pleasant to look at”. I feel stuck at my job though because I get paid extremely well. This relates to drinking because I wake up every morning with dread in my heart about going to work and to “cope” with what whatever happens at work I come home and drink. I am applying to graduate school and I’m terrified that if I don’t get in I will be stuck in this job forever. I am scared because I’m using alcohol to deal with my problems. I feel like it has gotten way out of control (I drink to the point of not remembering what happened the night before). I can’t wait for the day to end so I can go home and have “one” drink (which never ends at just one). I am scared for my mind and for my health. I would like some meaningful advice about dealing with daily stress (please don’t tell me to join a yoga class), about increasing self awareness, and about creating a meaningful life. Please do not ask me if I’m in AA and if I have a sponsor. (I’m not, I don’t and I don’t intend to).

Hey, I chuckled when I read your post. Only because you sound just like me. Almost to a T. You are so not alone.

I too drank like you, but for longer - since I was 15 and I'm 39. Often times my office is The Office. My husband is very busy with a overly stressful job and part-time college. Makes me lonely sometimes because he can't always do stuff with me and when he is at home, he's studying.

I refused AA (mainly because of the God stuff). And while I now attend a mtg once a week, I'm still not a bible thumper. But I have made a few friends from there which is awesome!

You said not to tell you to join a yoga class or do AA, but those are the things I do to maintain my sobriety and gain personal insight and confidence! I quit Jan. 1 this year. My life is sooo much better now, more calm.

I guess all I can tell you is maybe try to open your mind when it comes to suggestions, and get outside your box. Do something very different than you normally do. It worked well for me.

LOL, I like yoga. :)

Welcome!

We do understand how hard it is to sit down and face your addiction. I'm glad you posted.

I had a lot of trouble dealing with stress too, and I found that I had to weed out things in my life to make it more stress-free. I was doing too much and not enjoying what I was doing. And, I hated my job, too, which was depressing. For me, simply removing people and things in my life that I didn't love helped me a lot. I also started going for long walks every day, right after supper. That was the hardest time for me to not drink. The walks helped me in so many ways, and I still do that all these years later.

Anna: You have a much better response than I! I like the long walk idea. But here it's cold and dark and snowy - so no long walk now! That was the time I loved drinking too, right after work. It was my reward. Lame reward.

P.S. - Yoga is awesome.

Hi Kelly :)

Welcome to SR - you'll find a lot of advice here.

Some of it usually is to do things like yoga or exercise or breathing to help with stress...and to go to a programme like AA (or a non 12 step alternative) to help with the drinking, because those things have worked for many of us.

If you're not interested in those things - and that's fine - what kind of help and what kind of solutions are you looking for?

D

Hey, welcome to SR Kelly! I do like Lost's advice. Doing things differently is the only way to escape from the fear and stress that keeps you trapped. It's scary but so worth it.

I love this quote on the subject: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

Keep reading and posting! You'll find a ton of support here and lots of good advice from people who have been where you are and gotten through it. :ghug3

Wow....thanks everyone. I had no idea I'd get so many responses so quickly. (and the yoga thing....I don't have anything against Yoga...I also like Yoga, but I was trying to avoid the "Yoga cures all" response).

Hi Kelly,
My miserable job was a huge factor in my drinking. I felt like I was a failure because I was better educated and qualified than my peers yet I was stuck in the same level job as them. I drank from 6pm until I passed out every night of the week. I would usually be 20 mins late the next morning at least 2 or 3 times a week. I didn't care. I was just watching the clock for 5pm so I could hit the liquor store. I don't do Yoga, AA, or counselling, but I did do 35 days of in-patient rehab. That completely changed my outlook on life. On a daily basis, I read from this site, which I find the most effective since I can come here when I am most vulnerable, when Im home alone.

Funny about many of us posting about yoga. Annoyingly, there doesn't seem to be a cure all for this affliction.

Thanks for relating Jitterbugg. That is also my most difficult time...when I am home alone after work. I don't consider myself to be a "needy" person and I usually prefer to be alone (as opposed to going out and socializing), but lately being alone has felt like a void. I need to figure out what that empty space is really about and stop trying to fix it with alcohol. I've just been afraid to face it....

Coming here, reading and posting, really helped me work out what I needed to do :)
I hope you'll find some answers here too Kelly :)

D

Yes! That's exactly it. :)

I had gotten to the point where I couldn't stand to be by myself, which wasn't surprising since I really didn't like myself at all. I had worked so hard to fill the void with people, work, alcohol - it was exhausting. I knew I had to figure out a way to feel connected to the universe in a way that made sense to me, a spiritual connection.

I feel like even if you don't want to admit to being an alcoholic (for years I said I had a problem abusing alcohol! LOL), either way, getting it removed from your life for some time can really help give you a clear head and see what's around you, without the haze of booze.

Yoga does not cure all, but it sure makes some incredible achievements. Sure beats the hell out of stress and the bottle. Don't worry about going to AA, doing yoga, or what others may think. This is your life you are saving...do what it takes to accomplish this. You will have to do your homework, but find what is going to give you the strength and determination to follow the path to sobriety and good health. All the best to you!

I'm with you on the yoga cures all thing. I won't recommend it, and I don't do it. I also hated my job. But once I stopped drinking and put my sobriety first, I found that it didnt get to me as much. And as I felt better, I liked myself more.
I wish you the best.

What Dazee said. Eliminate the drink, then take stock of the leftover problems. It was a big revelation for me that alcohol was the source of my problems, not just a poor remedy. If your experience will be anything like mine, life will be a whole heckuva lot easier to deal with sober. Worth a try.

Hello Kellyprettybird,

I'll tell you I am no expert and I am only on day 5 of no drinking but I remember a time in my life that was just the same. My husband started a software company 12 years ago. I remember feeling just like you, so, you know what I did? I quit my very high paying job and joined him in his business, Talk about sink or swim! Scary as it was, it was so much more fun than my boring high paid job and I never felt lonely and believe me we always had lots to talk about! The business was our only source of income. We had to make it work. Long story short we worked together like dogs night and day, shared our joys and struggles. All that to say ten years later we had built something that was a great accomplishment for both of us. What started as three guys in a garage end up being 120 people in five countries. What an Adventure it was!!!

Just an idea :)

Hi
I understand your reluctance about AA, I was very resistance at the beginning and went mainly so people would stop bugging me about needing to go.

If I were you I would try anything to get off the booze and start to live the life you crave.

The booze is keeping you trapped in this dark place not giving you relief at all. I think you know this and the question is what to do about digging yourself out.

The solution for me is AA and this forum. I hope you find yours soon.

CaiHong

I'm no expert either (44 days) but I found once I quit drinking, some of my problems disappeared and the rest were easier to cope with. I also am not interested in AA but reading these posts and the support I have received here have helped me immensely.

Welcome Kelly!

I was terrified when I first thought about giving up alcohol, but it was the alcohol that created 99% of my anxiety and depression. It got harder and harder just to get through the day (to the next time I could drink).

Things got a lot better once I got sober. I couldn't imagine not drinking "forever" so I stayed sober one day (or one hour) at a time. Stick around and keep reading...... we know what it's like......:wavey: