aeo1313

Before I came to this site I knew I issues with weekend binge drinking and vicodin. These things I knew. For a few weeks I did good in recovery, and now I seem to be ramping it up. Not sure if it's because I am reading these threads and in a sick way want to see how bacd it can get. All I know, is today my husband got me an airline bottle of Kinky vodka for valentines day (he doesn't get it!) and I drank it, and another airline bottle...at 7am. Never in my life have I done this. NEVER. Am I just seeing how far I can crash and burn? WTF?

Bikeguy

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, is your disease progressing? I credit this site with saving my life but I'm sure it's not the answer for everyone. I think we each have to find what works for our own situation.

doggonecarl

I don't know if it's intentional but that is certainly the course you are on. I don't know if its SR to blame. As a recovery tool, it doesn't work for everyone. It doesn't seem to be working for you. If you are serious about getting clean and sober, find a method that works for you...before you hit bottom.

ReadyAndAble

I don't think its SR per se—my guess is it's more about the fact that the war within you is heating up. Now that you have one foot in recovery, your addict mind is thrashing about, trying to derail your efforts. It's a fight for survival, and only one can win.

Why did you start drinking again? Why not stop again? That's unfortunate about your husband; you're right, he doesn't understand. But you do, aeo.

Drinking in the morning was a terrifying development for me. That's when I knew I had to get off the elevator right away, because it was going down at a dizzying rate. I hope you step off of it for good. You could start now... think of it as valentine to give yourself.

Anna

I would also think that the stakes get higher when you try to quit. That's what happened to me.

There's always something that's uplifting and spiritual to read here.

jocata

I had to come to the realization that I was the one who was to blame for my life spinning out of control. I was the one who put the booze down my throat. I was the one who crushed the oxys and snorted them up my nose. Not AA, not SR, not other people. ME!

It's so easy for us to blame someone or something else for our addictions. We don't want to look at how screwed up our thinking really is until it hits us square in the face.

As long as you keep blaming someone or something else, you will never get better.

God bless.

Threshold

Some people are physical addicts only. Others have what is sometimes referred to as addictive personalities. Some of us will use any means possible (and denial often tops the list) to avoid dealing with reality head on. There are underlying "issues" in many of us that play into our substance abuse. Some people just do it to get high to get pleasure, for some of us it is an escape from deep inner terror, not a pleasure ride, but an attempt to flee.

If you fall into the second category I could see how some of what you read here could affect you using. You could apply it in a way that makes you more determined to get and stay clean, or toward a subconcious denial, and attempt to prove you don't have the issue we do, or prove you DO, by going even deeper. Our minds are complex things. I'd talk to your therapist about this issue, as the way you are reacting might offer some very useful insights for you.

I think that just staying away from SR isn't going to fix things. Asking the question you are asking in this thread is great, getting at some issues that will help you find a way out of substance abuse.

Early recovery IS a tug of war for many of us. A time of getting honest about some things on a new level, and facing the whole of our reality when it comes to substance abuse or behavior issues.

Staying willing to take that deeper look, as you are here in this thread, and open minded as to what it means and what methods of recovery are viable options for you, are all critical to success.

Sapling

I have to ask....For the few weeks what did you do that was good? As far as seeing how bad it can get....I found that out without knowing this site existed....You can stop reading....It's a hell of a lot better to stop drinking. I had to blame my problems on something too....I blamed it on beer...I loved the stuff...Then it turned on me.

2granddaughters

Are you attending AA meetings in your hometown?

Wishing you the best.

Bob R

munchkin05

Hhhmm, well I can say this. At one time in October I came here because I felt like I had a problem but just didn't know what to do with it.
At that time, being around people who admitted they had a problem and ALWAYS talking about it all was too much for me and sent me into a relapse that then lasted about 2 1/2 months.
In December I tried again, using this site. Now I'm 2 1/2 months sober.
I think I honestly wasn't ready yet in October. I was in December.

langkah

Who doesn't get it?

augustwest

No, it doesn't. It's never anything or anyone else. My drinking and drugging got worse because addiction is a progressive illness, and this illness had total control of my life.

augustwest

Addicts not in recovery seek self destruction like moths to a fame. I don't know why, or if that even really matters. It's like its encoded in our dna or something. i was spectacularly proficient at screwing up everything i touched without understanding why. its a crazy thing to go through and the only way it stopped was complete abstinence, and a 12-step program in my case.

but until i took ownership of the debacle my life had become and took some action to change internally beyond just abstinence, i had a laundry list of people, instituitions, and situations who were to blame.

Dee74

I don't think leaving SR would make things any better aeo.

Have you got any ideas on how to stop this 'ramping up'?

D

michelle01

I personally think that sometimes it can be good to have a break, but with caution. Often when people say that they need a break from recovery, to get on with other things, it sounds reasonable enough... but then they often return weeks later in worse shape. Having said that though, sometimes I have just allowed myself a break, not indefinitely, but just so that I don't feel as if I am being defined by 'recovery', which I began to feel like at one point. Also, I felt like I needed to regain some perspective - it's possible to get to the point in the recovery field where it's difficult to see the 'wood for the trees', there's just so much thought and opinion out there.

When I first started recovery, at first I thought that maybe I was getting worse, not better. I put it down to now being more 'fixated'. I'd never been a drinker every day, but now I thought about alcohol constantly, now that suddenly I was denied being able to drink AT ALL - catch 22 again, seemingly. The problem was in fact pre existing and more sign that I needed some help. I gradually learned the value in that maxim, one day at a time, rather than projecting too far ahead. And that recovery is more than just about 'not drinking', it covers a lot of other aspects.

desertsong

Sounds to me like the addict in you is wanting to see just how far you can go before you hit your true "bottom." Your recent threads really seem to suggest that you are pushing the limits ... hiding booze, sneaking hits of pot, grabbing pills when you can get them ... I think you truly want to be sober but you are waffling because the "high" feels good and you hope/wish you can still get that occasional relief without having to fully commit to being 100% sober. Been there. Done that.

If you really want to feel what "bottom" is all about, I wish you well, but I hope you never get there. "Bottom" is different for all of us, but I ask you this ... hiding airplane bottles of alcohol in your purse so you can continue to drink even when your husband tells you you've had enough ... sneaking pills and thinking about your mom's upcoming surgery and the painkillers she's going to have and the access you will have to them ... sneaking into your bathroom to take a few hits off a joint .... passing out on your bathroom floor and not knowing if you talked to your kids that night .... is that enough "bottom" for you or does it have to get worse? And what would be "worse?"

I read all of your posts, aeo, and you sound soooo much like me. And that scares me. I waffled back and forth so many times between the pills and the booze. If I just did this, or if I didn't do that, or if I controlled this, or made this choice instead of letting it choose me ... all of that is rationalization by your addict brain that wants to keep you in your addiction. I've only recently found this out for myself and it's a hard thing to grasp and accept, I realize that. About a month ago, my husband broke his ankle and I was trying to get him to go see the doctor ... not just so that he could get x-rays, etc. and make sure he was okay, but because I was SURE the doc would prescribe pain pills, which I figured I would raid when he wasn't looking. How twisted is THAT?!

I completely understand your thinking, which is why I am concerned about you. If you want to PM me about all this, please feel free. I just want to see you obtain the sober life you know in your heart that you want. Maybe we can help each other.

Wonderland

You are probably operating under oppositional-defiant disorder, like me. Say I can't drink? Never, ever? I'm going to drink! You'll know it's ridiculous that you did drink, tomorrow. Just be cool, don't take it all in at once. I'm a rebel, too. It isn't getting me far

ProudPops41

Aeo, I've been reading your posts and they scare me. In my instance, my parents and siblings still act like I hadn't told them that I didn't drink anymore. And I as in a delusional place because of my addiction that I could live forever binging the way I was. So think about this another way, you need help. Either it needs to be SR or another place. And you need the support of loving people in your life. Do whatever it takes to get clean.... get yourself in rehab, AA, whatever.... and save your life. Don't let addiction steal all of the great things that you could be experiencing.

aeo1313

Went to my therapist tonight and told him what I've been up to. He said (honestly) it would be better for me if I hit bottom, got a dui, etc because then I would have the "proof" I keep looking for. I am a mother-- I can't hit bottom. As you know, if you read my posts, I'm always wondering if I am an addict/alcoholic. My therapist is an addiction specialist and he said I am, for sure, he knows.

I am going to aa meeting tomorrow night, as I have been regularily. But tomorrow I am going to seak out a sponsor. I have a few more pills and I know I will finish them, but they will be gone by tomorrow. I have to break out of this. I can't preach honestly, kindness, etc to my children as I lie, cheat, and steal.

aeo1313

Yes- this is it