Originally Posted by aeo1313

Went to my therapist tonight and told him what I've been up to. He said (honestly) it would be better for me if I hit bottom, got a dui, etc because then I would have the "proof" I keep looking for. I am a mother-- I can't hit bottom. As you know, if you read my posts, I'm always wondering if I am an addict/alcoholic. My therapist is an addiction specialist and he said I am, for sure, he knows.

I am going to aa meeting tomorrow night, as I have been regularily. But tomorrow I am going to seak out a sponsor. I have a few more pills and I know I will finish them, but they will be gone by tomorrow. I have to break out of this. I can't preach honestly, kindness, etc to my children as I lie, cheat, and steal.

Originally Posted by Dataminer74

Could you be binging because you know the end is near? Could you be in that super-conflicted stage where you want to quit but you're not really ready? I think you're panicking over the idea of giving it up and it makes you want it more. That stage can last for years. Every time I have tried to quit when I started again I always took it to a new level. Are you waiting for something drastic to happen that would really convince you to quit?

Originally Posted by Nirvana1

I crossed the line into much worse alcoholism when I realized I had a problem, knew that I needed to stop drinking, and then drank again after 3 weeks of sobriety. I hadn't thought to get any recovery, but drinking again after I knew what it was doing to me, put me over the ledge. I fought myself so much to drink and then stopped caring all together about anything just to drink as much as I could. It happened really fast and I had many health scares in just a few months.