Valentine's Day Eve Rant
 

If ever I felt like breaking my now 100-day sobriety streak it’s tonight. Thanks, Hallmark.

On the eve of the day of celebration of love, I find myself alone with the cat.

I admit that I made mistakes. But as soon as I realized that was the case I did something about it – quit drinking, began therapy, etc. And I have changed significantly because of it. But that won’t be noticed by my wife, because she is gone.

I have read on this board that some feel that marriage is a contract unless addiction is involved. I guess I didn’t notice that fine print in my contract. In my mind, this is exactly the type of thing that may come up in a marriage that needs to be worked out, together. I think that if I weren’t willing to take responsibility for my actions, or weren’t willing to change, that would be different. But that was not the case.

It seems like after I supported her through the eight years of her PhD program, there might be some consideration given for my stress levels or needs. The main arguments we had during that time were her wanting to do fun things and me not being able to because, after working full-time and coming home to do all the maintenance and cleaning, I was sometimes too stressed out or too tired to do some of the fun stuff.

At the bitter end I became aware that my drinking was a problem, and I took steps to correct that. But it was already too late.

I think Al-Anon plays a big part in all this. They teach, from what I have seen, the empowerment of the individual to the exclusion of all else. I agree with their idea in general, but disagree that it has to be at the expense of all else. It is possible to have both self and marriage. It happens all the time (well, maybe not often enough judging by the divorce rate). It is also possible to regain self while retaining marriage. Especially while retaining marriage to a person motivated to change and improve.

I have read a lot of posts on the “Friends and Families” section here, and there are a lot of sad stories. I have not read one yet where at the outset the addict committed to change, did the necessary work, and was still rejected by the spouse. If any of you are reading this, some of us do care and try to do the right thing. It doesn’t always have to turn out bad.

Okay, end of rant. Somehow that didn’t make me feel any better. I guess I’ll just drown my sorrows in (water?) maybe Coca-Cola (ugh!)

hugs

I'm sorry to hear that, SS.

I don't have any advice but I can relate some experience. My marriage was chaotic and rocky since its inception. My wife tried in vain for years to get me to quit. Alcohol became the focal point of her anger and energy.

When I finally went to treatment, stayed sober and few months had passed, guess what? She still wasn't happy and didn't know why.

We haven't split up, although we've discussed it some times. Now, though, we have to work on our real issues which is VERY hard to do.

I sincerely feel for you. Good luck.

Oh, I can empathise. I feel lonely in one way, too, because I don't have a romantic companion this valentine's day. But let me say, if I had been with someone for the past year or two, their life would have been difficult and I don't think the relationship would have worked. It's only now that I am learning to be honest with people, largely thanks to this Forum where I don't have to lie or cover anything up. Also with my sponsor and the people in AA and also with myself. I wasn't honest before. And there was no way a relationship would work if I wasn't honest. Also, being single has given me the time to work on my recovery without outside pressure and that's been really good for me.

She may be waiting it out to see if you're really committed or not but I can only speculate. Please take care of yourself. Things happen for a reason.

I agree with this. After 17 years of my drinking...My wife had enough. I made a lot of promises I couldn't keep...Too sick. I finally got it and have at least regained a long distance friendship with her. That's all it will ever be. I try and think of the good times we had....I was responsible for the ones that weren't. I accept that. I'm grateful today that I haven't had to pick up a drink since July 1st, 2011....And I don't even have a cat. Nothing happens in God's world by mistake. I believe that.

I have strained the foundations of my marriage. We are still together. It is getting better and I still have hope, but trust takes a very long time to build.

It is only now that I can just start to appreciate the sense of rejection and hurt that spouses go through.

Valentine's Day is a commercial hype holiday (and no one even gets off work!). The single people are encouraged to feel inadequate, and the couples are encouraged to spend money on useless displays.

Sign me a Valentine Cynic.

I hope you are feeling better today.

Sign me a Valentine Cynic.

Could agree more dawnrunner. That's how I felt yesterday fighting a hoard of people to buy a box of chocolates for my husband following a long tiring day at work. The whole thing just feels phony. I'd much rather put effort into a really important day, such as an anniversary. Of course, I'm not the most romantic person either :wink:

Thing is, she didn't leave because of something that happened overnight. It most likely occurred over a period of time and will need a period of time to repair. You can't just say "I am fixed you can come back now". It'll take time to rebuild the trust.

Coming from someone in a similar situation but I wasn't married, so she's long gone and to be frank, I don't even want her back.

If you truly want to repair things I would be having a dozen roses sent to her place today with a nicely written card and maybe some chocolates. Don't beg, just be the you she fell in love with way back when.

All the best :)