janiebluebird

I have decided to get sober and stay sober, hopefully indefinitely this time, but I really worry about the social aspect of this. I love going out with my friends on the weekends, and that usually involves drinking. Am I supposed to drop my old friends for AA meetings? I think this is the hardest part about sobriety for me. How does one go about starting a new road in life like this? When so many events revolve around alcohol? I think the loneliness may get to me more than anything else, to be completely truthful, and I wouldn't trust myself to go out to a bar and not cave into a drink.

Dee74

Hi Janie

You may find a way to keep friends and stay sober, but I found as long as I was living my old life and trying to fit in, it was impossible for me to stay sober.

I had to make changes if I wanted changes.

I drifted away from a lot of people and a lot of people drifted away from me - but I don't regret the changes I made, however hard they were at the time.

No one would stay in recovery if they felt they were losing out
There's a lot of support here and elsewhere


This life I have now fits me much better - I hope you'll find the same

D

InParticular

Hi Janie, yes unfortunately at the beginning you will have to make some hard choices, like choose to stay home rather than go out and try to stay sober around a bunch of people drinking. It's just not a reasonable thing to ask of yourself, if you truly want to be sober. For awhile, you'll have to choose NOT DRINKING, above a lot of other things, sometimes, yes, like going out and you'll have to suck it up and stay home. I watched a LOT of movies for the first month or so. It's weird finding things to do when you're not drinking. You just have to make not drinking the most important thing, above being social. I can't stress that enough. And you know what? It gets better. You'll have more energy, and you'll find stuff to do. Just hang in there. And keep posting here.

joelly

I completely hear what you're saying. My social life revolves around popping to friends for a 'couple' of glasses of wine, thing is lately those couple turn into bottles. Not really sure where I go socially from here, it's always been, 'let's have 'a' glass of wine'. It'll be tea offered now and I've a feeling they're going to think I'm a right party pooper. I started this journey on Sunday morning when I woke feeling horrendous and I know I'll be fine til the weekend.... but then what???? We have a wedding, an engagement and a 40th birthday party planned for end Feb and March, am I just going to have to stay away? As I too janiebluebird can't trust myself to go and not have a drink. I guess we have to find new friends........ I'd really like to know if any of you guys that have months/years under your belt, do you ever enjoy a party again? I know I didn't when I was pregnant (and totally sober) everyone just annoyed me!

Dee74

Well, speaking for me, I can be with friends and have fun for sure - even others drinking around me doesn't bother me now

I'm still a cheery friendly guy with lots of friends - I just don't drink

Drunkenness or a wild party where drinking or drugs is the main attraction is another thing tho - it's just not my scene anymore...

D

ShaneW

I cant offer advice as Im only 15 days sober myself. But, I find myself wondering the same thing...what to do with friends etc

Ive got set in my mind that Ill keep up with the true friends & the drinking buddies will drift away, and thats OKAY. New friends met while sober will fill the gap.

This may sound strange, but this is how Ive figured it in my head. If I have friends who I only ever say play poker with, then when I lose interest in playing or pick up a new hobby or quit because Im losing too much money...then well, to put it bluntly, I dont need those friends anymore anyways. Drinking buddies = poker buddies, in my mind at least.

StPeteGrad

I learned there are parties - where people get together and drinking is the centerpiece AND the occasion.

Then there are get togethers where alcohol is present but not the focal point.

To play it safe I try to figure out if an occasion could still happen without booze.

With few exceptions I still try to avoid any occasion with booze. If I do have to attend I usually end up playing with the kids - mine and the others (like weddings and anniversaries). I usually find myself just trying to get through it since there are likely many other things I'd rather be doing.

Honestly, this hasn't really come up too much.

Sapling

I'm just coming up on 8 months but sure I enjoy a party now and then. I don't go look for them...I still live by the rule that if it is something that I have a solid reason for being there...I'll be there. Like a wedding, an engagement or a 40th birthday party....
I have learned to be prepared when I go to these events. Have a way out if I feel uncomfortable...Preferably my own car. I make a good DD. I also make sure I have a bottle of water handy when I go to these things....If it's a fancy event...Soda and lime. Always keep it in my hand....People don't tend to ask if you need a drink when you are holding one. Just be careful if you have to set it down that you pick the same one up. But yeah...I like going to events with alcohol or no alcohol. I find the ones with alcohol turn into a good learning experience for me. Kind of nice to let someone else be the fool for a change.
I've made a lot of friends in AA and for me those get togethers are the best. No worry about alcohol...No pressure. Just a bunch of people with a lot of great stories and laughter....With the same pasts and the same goals for the future. Something special about that. And you remember it and don't have to worry whether so and so made it home or not.
There is life out there after drinking. I'm just sorry it took me so long to find it. Life is what you make of it....You can look at it through clear, hope filled eyes...Or stumbling around drunk.

P.S.....I was a drunk long enough to know when I see a slugfest brewing...I tend to stay away from those.

jrsmama11

Everytime I relapsed it was people places and things. I'm going to sever the last of my relationships this time and just be done. Its a "i can't hang out with people who use. its not healthy for my new lifestyle. i'm trying to take care of myself." kinda thing.

I found out that the loneliness I felt being the non user in the group (not being on that drunk level) was more damaging than the loneliness of being sober. And hey, it looks like you found SR! Check out the chat!

Sapling

That's what I had to do. And I haven't relapsed...Yet. Yeah...Sobriety comes first...Over people...places and things/situations.....You're giving yourself some good advice.

NewBeginning010

+ 1 for what many have said. I have kept most good friends that I had in the past, they know not to invite me out for a few beers anymore. It was a little tricky at first & I was surprised by a few peoples reactions (someone I considered a good friend telling me they are not comfortable with my not drinking... ).

One thing I can tell you is that my life is far better in every way & I am actually up & feeling good in the morning and enjoying myself while many are hung over messes ;-)

All of the best on your journey.

Cheers ~ NB

augustwest

the only thing I had to change was everything. that included activities and friends. I did keep a select few friends who are not addicts but use, but I never associate with them in situations and places where using is in the forefront. fortunately now I don't even want to. I hate being around intoxicated people. I hate bars. the only social environment I find myself in where drinking or using is going on is a ball game or concert.

at first I thought this new life would suck but I did what I had to do for self preservation. after some time I found that I greatly prefer the non drinking activities that keep my life full today. in addition to killing myself I was wasting incredible amounts of time and money engaging in drinking and drugging activities

Anna

I was very lucky and started some volunteer work in week 1 of my recovery and an unexpected benefit was to meet some really amazing people. It was very exciting.

janiebluebird

I really appreciate all the advice and I am going to be working at this. Weekdays aren't as much of a challenge to me as weekends, but I am putting myself into the right mindset now. I might try going to a meeting, although it seems very intimidating, or maybe find a volunteering opportunity as Anna mentioned. I'm going to avoid drinking environments for the time being. This forum is also extremely helpful and therapeutic. I will keep posting.