rc4dt1

I just have to get this out and right now this forum is my only means of doing so. I am 34 and have been drinking since high school. Started as a weekend thing - couple beers, dumb kid stuff - and then moved on to smoking some weed. Again, nothing out of the normal. Went to college and drinking got heavier and included a lot more hard liquor and going out 3 times a week and getting drunk. Excuse = that was college so everyone does it. Well, in college I also picked up a cocaine habit. That was a weekend thing. Then at the end of college I discovered ecstasy. I graduated when I was 22. Ever since then I have been battling an addiction to all of those chemicals except the marijuana, which I stopped. I got into the club scene pretty heavy after school and I made the excuse to myself for a long time that it was just a weekend thing. I managed to keep things in line at work so I didn't see going out on the weekends and partying as being a big deal.

Well, fast forward to NYE 2011 (last year) and I am still doing the same thing. Except now my behaviors have progressed to dangerous levels. Risky drug purchases. Unsafe random sex. All weekend binges. Etc. So after New Years 2011 I checked into rehab for one month (inpatient). It really helped me and I bought into the program. I was going to meetings, got a sponsor, developing my spirituality, etc. But when it came time for me to step up and jump further into the program by leading meetings or going to special AA events I just didn't want to. I never developed any friendships to the point where I felt like it would be fun to go hang out at these events. I didn't want to lead meetings - and I certainly wasn't ready to start thinking about sponsoring anyone else. So, I stopped going. My last meeting was to get my 6 month chip. I guess I felt like my sponsor, who was a great guy and knew his stuff, was pushing me a bit more than I wanted. But that may have been me not being dedicated... I don't know.

Fast forward again to NYE 2012... I had held on and made it a year sober despite not going to meetings because I confined myself to my apartment and to hanging out with my girlfriend. We would go out once in a while but I was completely ok with not drinking. I felt good.

The thing is that in late 2011 my company announced that our office was relocating to another city, across the country from where I was living... from where I got sober... from where my girlfriend is. (NOTE: none of these two cities are where my family is - I have no family in either). I took the job because I thought it was a great opportunity for me to grow professionally. But I also took it because it's a big city and there is more to do. I would be lying if I wasn't thinking in the back of my mind that I wouldn't have anyone to answer to.

So, sorry for skipping around..., back to NYE 2012. I had made it a year but was scratching and clawing HARD. Then, I went out on Jan 6th. Since then - a little over a month now - I have been right back in the crap. Doing E, coke, drinking, and staying up all weekend. I think I have done that 3 of the last 5 weekends.

So. Yeah. I know, I need to get to a meeting but it's hard getting back. Really hard. I hope this helps someone decide not to pick up. Im alone in a new city where I know nobody outside of work and they want to do happy hours! I need to get a grip so I guess Im starting here. My plan is to get to a meeting tomorrow on my lunch break. Any other feedback, similar stories, or suggestions are appreciated.
Thanks

IndaMiricale

I am with ya, except I was a big user right away. X was legal when I was in high school. my parents were hippies and drugs/drinking were just part of my normal. And drugs were actually easier to get then alcohol.

But I drank daily from high school to 39 years old.
Not today though. For today I am happily sober.
And you are getting back, and will be welcomed back with big smiles.

Keep us posted .

Dee74

Welcome to SR rc4dt1

The life 'out there' never gets any better, does it?
If AA is your chosen path then it seems to me pretty obvious what you need to do?

I'm glad you're here - you'll find a lot of support

D

rc4dt1

That's kind of my concern... I didn't like where it was going before. Maybe that was just the situation i was in thought. Not sure - just gonna have to try again but open to other avenues too.

This forum seems very helpful. Maybe committing to coming here and reading/replying to a few threads a day.

Thanks!

2granddaughters

Getting to the meetings sounds like the answer to me.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Bob R

Dee74

sorry for the miscommunication

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players (including but not limited to AA):

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach like Rational Recovery, SMART LifeRing etc.

D

rc4dt1

Owned up to my girlfriend this morning about my behavior over the weekend, which included being with another woman. Feel like hell about it but the guilt was killing me and, more importantly, it's not fair to her. She deserves a good guy and I am not that right now. It sucks because she has put up with my crap, been there for me, and treated me so wonderfully for 4 years. But my addiction and careless behaviors have caused her so much pain. I don't know if I truly want the relationship or not. I just know that I can't figure it out while being with her right now. I really just want to isolate but I know that is not the answer. Called into work today and called my health care provider to arrange for getting back into therapy. That starts next week. I need to get to meetings between now and then.

Anna

I'm glad you've got a plan to work on your recovery.

You talked about being in a new city and not knowing people outside of work. I have found balance in my life to be really important in my recovery. Have you considered doing some kind of volunteer work to get you outside of yourself and in a situation to meet other people?

rc4dt1

This is a great idea... I was thinking that the only way I can meet people is AA and I am currently not very enthusiastic about going to meetings. Volunteering sounds fun and its for a good cause. I will look into it.

Thank you Anna

Sapling

Forget about running meetings and going to social events...Simple question...Did you do the 12 steps with your sponsor?

rc4dt1

No. I didn't want to. The main reason is because of the amount of time it was taking and the amount of time I felt it was going to take for me to sponsor another alcoholic when it got to that stage. Plus I don't feel like hanging out after meetings and talking to other alcoholics/addicts. I have personal interests that I want to partake in.. and I don't mean drinking.

I know that sounds selfish. I guess I am selfish.

This is the part where AA members tend to ask, "are you willing to do whatever it takes?" ... and I think the answer is already there. Apparently I am half assing it. So that means I am destined to fail?

Sapling

At least you have the capacity to be honest. That's a MAJOR start.

Greenbug

Well rc4dt1 pain is a good teacher, you go through enough pain you will look for relief eventually.

The choice is yours, meeting, sponsor, working the steps or more pain.

But everyone has to make that decision for themselves. You will run out of "Ya but's" remember the rooms when you do.

Good luck and God bless friend.

sugarbear1

I suggest working through the steps. You don't have to lead a meeting or sponsor anyone. If you are sick and tired of doing what you've done, I would just start with staying stopped by working the steps. If not, there are other programs to help you (SMART, AVRT, LifeRing, SOS). AA gives me friends and sober people to hang out with. I'm tired of isolating myself.

Whatever works for you, grab it. Consequences do get worse.

You can stay stopped!!