Son of a gun...I am an alcoholic.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 22
Son of a gun...I am an alcoholic.
How do I know this?
Because alcohol drives me freaking insane. I am a weekend binge drinker. I am constantly worried about my health. I am constantly researching ways to have my drink and drink it too...so to say. Coffee to keep the liver going, milk thistle, avoiding cigarettes and fructose, etc. I don't drink to socialize...I drink to get high. When my house is empty and I have a couple days off work, I will turn my home in to my own little "opium den" for solitary drinking.
So, yes, I drink to levels which are unhealthy...12 drinks on a Friday or Saturday all by myself is not a normal behavior. My typical week of thoughts is:
Sunday (typically hung over): I got to get this drinking under control. I have a problem...etc etc etc.
Monday: Okay, sober, not hungover, back to work. Doing good.
Tuesday: Same
Wednesday: Same
Thursday: Can't I drink just a little? The taste of beer would be so nice. It is natural to want to escape/get drunk.
Friday: A couple beers would be nice (often cave and get drunk)
Saturday: Screw it, you've had a hard work week, you've been working out, the house is clean, everything is organized. You deserve some fun. Don't bother with 1 or 2 drink...I said: You deserve some fun...get a twelve pack and drink it by yourself. After all, you are a man and the government says you can have 14 drinks per week. (Whatever thoughts it takes to justify drinking an entire twelve pack)
Needless to say, I have done a whole litany of messed up behaviors while under the influence that makes it clear that alcohol just has to go. I endanger my life and my freedom very often when I am drunk. I also completely screw up my moral integrity when I am drunk (looking at porn and crap that doesn't even appeal to me when I am sober).
The thing that alcohol is really taking away from me is my life. It's not the hangovers, it's not the dangerous/shameful behavior, it's not the time wasted being drunk (granted, it's all those things)...the way that alcohol is really taking my life from me is the preoccupation. I think about drinking or not drinking or moderating or harm reducing more than I think about my hobbies (which I rarely engage in) or even relationships. It's this constant preoccupation. The fact that I am a male in my twenties and I think about alcohol more than I think about getting a girlfriend, having sex or falling in love is just not right. For the past 7 or 8 years my mind has never really been in the game of life...alcohol is very present in my mind. The reason I haven't had a girlfriend in 7 years is because my mind has never been in the game of dating and relationships.
This constant preoccupation of "do I moderate or do I abstain" makes it damn clear that I need to abstain. If I could moderate, then I would have already been moderating years ago and alcohol wouldn't constantly weigh so heavily on my mind.
The sad thing is that sometime in the future, I will probably delete this account and go back to drinking. But maybe not. Maybe, just maybe, I could find it within me to not do that...to not drink. To keep sober and keep my mind in the game of life
I want out of this mental prison so freakin' badly. I want out!!! Let me go!!! I want a real life!!! I want to be free.
My guess is that the only way out is when I know, realize and accept that I can never have another drink again. Am I correct? Or is there any other keys to getting over this?
Any advice you can give me would be much appreciated. Thanks.
Because alcohol drives me freaking insane. I am a weekend binge drinker. I am constantly worried about my health. I am constantly researching ways to have my drink and drink it too...so to say. Coffee to keep the liver going, milk thistle, avoiding cigarettes and fructose, etc. I don't drink to socialize...I drink to get high. When my house is empty and I have a couple days off work, I will turn my home in to my own little "opium den" for solitary drinking.
So, yes, I drink to levels which are unhealthy...12 drinks on a Friday or Saturday all by myself is not a normal behavior. My typical week of thoughts is:
Sunday (typically hung over): I got to get this drinking under control. I have a problem...etc etc etc.
Monday: Okay, sober, not hungover, back to work. Doing good.
Tuesday: Same
Wednesday: Same
Thursday: Can't I drink just a little? The taste of beer would be so nice. It is natural to want to escape/get drunk.
Friday: A couple beers would be nice (often cave and get drunk)
Saturday: Screw it, you've had a hard work week, you've been working out, the house is clean, everything is organized. You deserve some fun. Don't bother with 1 or 2 drink...I said: You deserve some fun...get a twelve pack and drink it by yourself. After all, you are a man and the government says you can have 14 drinks per week. (Whatever thoughts it takes to justify drinking an entire twelve pack)
Needless to say, I have done a whole litany of messed up behaviors while under the influence that makes it clear that alcohol just has to go. I endanger my life and my freedom very often when I am drunk. I also completely screw up my moral integrity when I am drunk (looking at porn and crap that doesn't even appeal to me when I am sober).
The thing that alcohol is really taking away from me is my life. It's not the hangovers, it's not the dangerous/shameful behavior, it's not the time wasted being drunk (granted, it's all those things)...the way that alcohol is really taking my life from me is the preoccupation. I think about drinking or not drinking or moderating or harm reducing more than I think about my hobbies (which I rarely engage in) or even relationships. It's this constant preoccupation. The fact that I am a male in my twenties and I think about alcohol more than I think about getting a girlfriend, having sex or falling in love is just not right. For the past 7 or 8 years my mind has never really been in the game of life...alcohol is very present in my mind. The reason I haven't had a girlfriend in 7 years is because my mind has never been in the game of dating and relationships.
This constant preoccupation of "do I moderate or do I abstain" makes it damn clear that I need to abstain. If I could moderate, then I would have already been moderating years ago and alcohol wouldn't constantly weigh so heavily on my mind.
The sad thing is that sometime in the future, I will probably delete this account and go back to drinking. But maybe not. Maybe, just maybe, I could find it within me to not do that...to not drink. To keep sober and keep my mind in the game of life
I want out of this mental prison so freakin' badly. I want out!!! Let me go!!! I want a real life!!! I want to be free.
My guess is that the only way out is when I know, realize and accept that I can never have another drink again. Am I correct? Or is there any other keys to getting over this?
Any advice you can give me would be much appreciated. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Welcome....Sounds a lot like my story...But my problem was seven days a week and a 12 pack was just a warmup....Keep it up....I'm sure you can get there. Yeah....Admitting you are beaten is a good start...Lot of good support here and great knowledge of different recovery methods and programs...Use it....Read and ask questions...You sound like you have had enough...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Welcome!
Yeah, when you can decide that drinking is no longer an option, ever, you will find that your mind begins to work in more healthy ways.
Please know that we understand how difficult and frustrating this is.
Yeah, when you can decide that drinking is no longer an option, ever, you will find that your mind begins to work in more healthy ways.
Please know that we understand how difficult and frustrating this is.
sobriety date 5-2-12
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 903
Thank you for your post. Your drinking pattern is similar to mine, except I like to drink and party with others at the bar. You verbalized so much of what is in my head. I have no words of wisdom, but you are so not alone in this!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1
Know exactly how you feel. I work all week, go for a drink on thursday, go to bar after work on friday, and go out till 2 am on saturday. Kick myself on Sunday, go to work on Monday. Have gone 4 weekends without a beer. Still have strong craving.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,919
Welcome to SR!
It sounds like you might be isolating yourself from others after the work week, substituting alcohol for relationships with others (and not just women). If you want to get sober and stay that way, you are going to need to change some of your behaviors and attitudes. That's where to help of a program of recovery like AA or counseling or whatever can really help. It's hard to do it by yourself.
It sounds like you might be isolating yourself from others after the work week, substituting alcohol for relationships with others (and not just women). If you want to get sober and stay that way, you are going to need to change some of your behaviors and attitudes. That's where to help of a program of recovery like AA or counseling or whatever can really help. It's hard to do it by yourself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Hi Colton! That was a very well written post, filled with self-awareness and humor. I say you have a great chance of having a brand new life - one where you are not numb & foggy all weekend.
I completely understand how you feel - I was that way in my 20's, too. Except I never came to the realization that I couldn't drink. I was all about moderating & controlling the amounts. It never worked, not once - and I ended up slowly destroying my life over a period of 30+ years. I wish I'd questioned my drinking habits the way you are! Things would have been so different. You can free yourself from this vicious cycle. We're here to listen and help. You're not alone.
I completely understand how you feel - I was that way in my 20's, too. Except I never came to the realization that I couldn't drink. I was all about moderating & controlling the amounts. It never worked, not once - and I ended up slowly destroying my life over a period of 30+ years. I wish I'd questioned my drinking habits the way you are! Things would have been so different. You can free yourself from this vicious cycle. We're here to listen and help. You're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 205
I did the same type of drinking during my 20's as well but never clued in as that was the reason why my life was at a stand still, and that I was single during my entire 20's.
I nipped that habit in the bud 22 days ago (age 31) and haven't felt this healthy and bright in 10 years. Now the work begins to right the ship and get things back on the right track.
Hang in there, you can do it.
I nipped that habit in the bud 22 days ago (age 31) and haven't felt this healthy and bright in 10 years. Now the work begins to right the ship and get things back on the right track.
Hang in there, you can do it.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
the only way out is when I know, realize and accept that I can never have another drink again
i didn't want to accept it either and i kept failing to stay sober.
but when i finally accepted that i could never drink again it was a great relief to concede the fight. i'd rather give in and stop than fight to my death. and it's now been over two years since my last drink. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 84
Colton, like others have said, I read your story and thought "that was me in my 20's." I kept drinking into my 30's and my alcoholism progressed to drinking every night after work. Then drinking at lunchtime, then basically drinking beer and smoking pot during ALL waking hours. 12 beers was a light day. If I wasn't using I was miserable and pre-occupied with when I would next use. I'm 8 months sober and working the AA program. My life has not been this good for many years. Do it, it's worth it!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 11
Welcome Colton. You're not alone. I drank to get high too. The only difference is that I wasn't strong enough to wait the entire week to get drunk. I usually drank every other night. One out of every four nights I'd get stupid drunk.
The reationalization of the disease is the disease itself working on you. The wanting to drink by yourself so you can't see other people, who know the truth (that you have a problem), looking at you or judging you.
I personally don't like the word "alcoholic". To me, it's a title that was created to describe a person who got addicted to a legal substance. What we are, and what you may be, is an addict. Becoming an addict isn't a shameful thing. Becoming an addict and letting the disease steal your life is.
Anyhow, my biggest bit of advice is to make sure that you are honest and you express your feeling here or with other loving people that support you.
The reationalization of the disease is the disease itself working on you. The wanting to drink by yourself so you can't see other people, who know the truth (that you have a problem), looking at you or judging you.
I personally don't like the word "alcoholic". To me, it's a title that was created to describe a person who got addicted to a legal substance. What we are, and what you may be, is an addict. Becoming an addict isn't a shameful thing. Becoming an addict and letting the disease steal your life is.
Anyhow, my biggest bit of advice is to make sure that you are honest and you express your feeling here or with other loving people that support you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: North America
Posts: 162
Welcome Colton and thanks for sharing. You can jump off the hamster wheel when you are ready. It was a scary prospect for me to even consider quitting the booze. I was a daily drinker for years obsessed by drinking. Got to the point where I was going crazy.
Sober now, and although not easy, it is such a blessing.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
Sober now, and although not easy, it is such a blessing.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Middle of no where, oklahoma
Posts: 2,696
Showed up here at sr pretty shocked to find out I was an alcoholic and angry at the thought of never drinking. Couldn't do that so I just shot for 24 hrs, that I could do. 50 days later I still focus on the next 24 but the days are adding up. Glad to have you, stick around
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Austin, TX from Philly, PA
Posts: 141
Colton I feel ya bud! As a fellow 20-something male, it feels weird to be feeling like this, but its what we want. It is time for change to rise above and become what you want in life!
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