sickchick

The other day i posted that I was doing ok controlling my drinking.

Guess you heard that one before. No I am not controlling anything. last night I was so out of control I don't remember anything. Except I drank untill the sun came up. Rang and texted everyone in my phone and even invited a person over at 3am. God help me. how bad does it get. When will it stop, i want to cry. I think I have hit rock bottom.

sugarbear1

My friend did this, but now she's pregnant. Oooops.

Purplecatlover

It does get better. But you have to not start again. I had to decide " to do whatever it takes". I was in a life & death battle with it. I decided I wanted to live. Hang in there. Failure isn't falling down again & again, it's staying down.

Dee74

I'm sorry sickchick.

I know I tried over and over again to 'control' my drinking - I didn't want to be different, I didn't want to be a non-drinker and I didn't want to change my life - but it just wasn't possible.

I could be the person I knew I could be - or I could keep drinking - but I couldn't do both.

What have you been doing for support so far?

D

brian41

sickchick please hang in there Im going through the same as you now, im like a yo yo i cant stay off the booze more than a few days. It must be possible as there are so many on here who have stopped ......we have to hang with this crowd they have the answers.

jwolf

I am so sorry sickchick, I slipped up this week too. I was just like you as far as the texting and calling thing.....I would call people that I barely knew and not remember a thing.....oh how I dreaded looking at the call history on my phone the following morning...ARGH

Hang in there, you can stop....today is a new day!!!!

eJoshua

I found controlled drinking didn't really work for me, so now I focus on controlled sobriety. There is hope in sobriety; I hope you give it a shot!

eJoshua

Also, my sobriety is helping me to rediscover the basic human dignity that I piddled away when I was drinking.

sickchick

I think the shame i'm feeling might be what i need to sober up. Up till now I've got away with being drunk, I was just getting drunk at home most nights no one knew except me, i've never done anything bad before which just shows how it gets worse all the time.
I tried AA but didn't like it, I found it sad but think I'll have to try again.
And its my birthday today.

2granddaughters

None of us liked AA in the beginning, The 12 Steps seemed like the penalty you paid for being an alcoholic.
Keep going until the Steps look like an opportunity for a new life.

Same Steps, completely different attitude.

Wishing you the best.

Bob R

Dazee

sickchick,
Shame is a powerful motivator. As a fellow closet alcoholic, I got away with the heavy drinking for quite some time. Eventually, no matter how clever you are, you can get caught, found out, etc and the shame is excruciating. That's what happened to me, and it's how I got moving in sobriety. Glad to see you posting about it.

Hevyn

Happy birthday sickchick. So sorry you're miserable - but you don't have to stay that way. Let's try this again - you are now armed with the knowledge that you can't control what you drink. Once the first one hits your system, all bets are off.

I was like Dee - determined to not have my life change. Being sober seemed so boring - drinking was fun & exciting. Until it wasn't. Until I got 3 dui's and made a fool of myself in front of friends & co-workers. Until I faced death because I was drinking 24/7. We know you can do it, sickchick. You'll be more determined this time around, & a whole new life is waiting for you.

(This goes for you, too brian41 )

nonblondechef

Happy birthday!! Keep the faith. I know how hard it is. I am alot like you. Never got in trouble legally, not into the bar scene. But I could put away the wine at home by myself. By my 2nd glass (really the equivalent of 4) I became chatty Cathy and started dialing. Then I'd get emotional, then I'd start texting. Mind you, I'm making the trip from the couch to the box of wine on the kitchen counter with increasing speed at this point. Finally would pass out -usually in my bed with no clue how I got there. In the morning, I tried to convince myself I didn't feel so bad afterall once I had checked the volume of the wine bag to see how much I really drank. Standing in the shower praying to God (shaking and exhausted but had to get to work) that this would be the last time....well...finally I made the decision on January 14th, hungover, utterly disgusted and depressed that this had to stop. The shame is lessening, I'm smiling again and determined to succeed. I know you can do this. Please keep us posted on your journey and successes - what a wonderful gift that will be for us all you can do it!

artsoul

Hang in there, sickchick..... I hope you feel better soon!

CaiHong

Happy Birthday Sickchik
Give yourself the best ever present,sobriety. Do whatever it takes, most people don,t like AA but it works if you work the program.
I am sober with the support of AA and this forum and I am so glad I fought my finicky little judgemental alcoholic self and did what was needed, the BB as my guide.
I never want to be a moderate drinker, I never want to ever drink again.

AA is delivering the promises, my obsession has been removed but admittedly I am so happy at the moment I have the thought (fleetingly) of how a drink would calm me down.

I can,t tell you how freeing a sober life is.

I hope you find what works for you.

CaiiHong

Dee74

Happy Birthday SickChick

D

Kat4184

I'm not really one to give advice, but I know that for myself (who is only 18 days sober), I really got sick of telling myself that I would control my drinking only to get myself in some really stupid situations. Crashing my car (luckily I've never had a DUI), arguing with my fiance, staying out all night partying... and yes just like you texting, I would wake up in the morning and see that I had texted people and said some stupid ass ****. Lame. I finally got sick of destructing myself. It's starting to feel o.k. not drinking. I was a worried about what people would think about me not drinking, or that I wouldn't have as much fun, or whatever, but after a little bit, that went away, and I'm really enjoying just being myself. I feel a lot better. It's funny how we keep doing harmful things to ourselves only to be unhappy deep down. Doesn't make much sense, but for some reason it happens quite a lot. I hope that you realize that controlling your drinking probably isn't possible, and that you are in control of your own destiny.

Kat

logicalparadox

Shame and illness were two of the biggest motivators...but it took awhile for me to follow through on them. All you can do is keep on trying, and perhaps try to look into other forms of additional support.

Happy birthday, sometimes I find my birthdays to be rough...weird memories. I hope you can work to treat yourself more kindly today and tomorrow. Hang in there.

Praise7

Incomprehensible demoralization is sometimes what it takes. Put the shame behind you, don't drink today and move on. Happy Birthday

instant

I hope you will have many happier birthdays SC. I found I could only move forward after I gave up the idea that I had any manageable control over alcohol. The second step was straight forward I gave up the fight and took whatever came. Then I found freedom.