2 week and need advice
 

Well here we go again. I posted last week about my brother coming down to live with me because he is without a home and needs to find a job where they are hiring. He was staying with my niece and they are not Seeing “ Eye to Eye” so he is coming sooner then planned; this Monday.

We are close and we used to drink together; as recent as this late fall. The family up north can’t or won’t help him and apparently they are telling him his coming down here to live with me is like adding fire too fire; they think I am still drinking. There are two reasons why they don’t know otherwise. #1. I didn’t want to tell them until I had 90 days to one year of sobriety so I didn’t have to hear the doubt in their voice or worse, have them try to run my program. #2. They will make my brother feel bad by saying he should find another place to live because I don’t need to be around booze.

He is worse off then they realize and he has sworn me to secrecy but I fear he will try to end it all if he doesn’t get a grip on things. We almost lost him once and I am not willing to risk it. I have not told him of my quitting drinking and I won’t until he gets here. Nor will I push him to quit; he will do that when he is ready. All I can do is live as an example and be there if he needs me. He has told me he wants to quit drinking and he has done it before. Once he gets away from all the drama and on his feet I believe he will do well.

I own my own home and live over 9 hours away from the family. The majority of my family are very judgmental and spend too much time with other peoples “demons and skeletons” when they need to tend to their own back yard. I was never able to obtain any length of sobriety until I got out of there. I love them but I can’t maintain any level of sanity living amongst them. Half of them are former drinkers and only one works his program, the one who usually bites his tongue and doesn’t try to work everyone else’s.

I am only 2 weeks in to my sobriety and I am wondering if anyone has any advice on what I should do that will help both my brother and I and not make him feel like I am judging him. The whole concept is to provide a safe haven where he can get well and on his feet while I remain sober. I don’t want to treat him like a dog and tell him he can’t drink in the house. He has been beaten down enough and doesn’t need that. Besides he doesn’t know I’m not drinking. If you have any advice to share with me please take both of us into your consideration. Thank you for being there for me these last 2 weeks, you have helped me more then you know!

:wavey:

OH well guess I will have to figure this one out on my own,

ask a mod to move this to newcomers. that forum gets more traffic.:)




setting ground rules like no alcohol in the house is NOT treating him like a dog. would be worse if you just let him drink himself to death.

Hi Fin

We spoke about this before.
It's a heck of a thing to take on at 2 weeks sober.

If you're going to do this, and it looks like you are - use all the support you have, because you're going to need it I think.

I also think you're entitled to set rules in your own house - it's not about beating your brother down like a dog' it's about setting strong boundaries.

It's great you want to take care of your brother- but don't forget about you in all this.
Don't forget your brothers journey is his, just as yours is yours.

Thanks Dee, yes we have talked about this before, I thought I had more time to figure it out. I will seek additional support, yes I know I will need it. I am excited to see him yet I am also scared. Scared of the me that uses and manipulates situations to get the poison! I do not want to go back here, I won't live long if I do and it is not fun anymore, it hasn't been for a ling time now. I am just one sick individual.

I would definitely not allow your brother to bring alcohol into your house or to drink there. That is not pushing him to stop drinking. It's simply protecting your sobriety and looking after yourself.

I think it is great to lead by example but you are still fresh yourself, and the stress of it all might tip you over, which will not help anyone. You do not say anything about who else is in the house, your work situation or if you will both be together all day. I also wonder if you will be supporting your brother financially to a degree as well.

I found the first 90 days very intense and I was thinking about the whole alcohol/recovery thing constantly.

I don't know what you are doing for your plan of recovery...2 weeks I was a mess...But I also went to my first AA meeting in rehab...I don't even remember much of what they said...But I liked it. So I went back. It caught on with me. Why don't you explain to him what you are trying to do...Give him the option of going out to drink somewhere...Just not with you. Ask him if he wants to go to a meeting with you...Just sit and listen. It's free and it sure can't hurt either one of you. Maybe he's ready and it will click with him...Or you. I don't know...Crazier **** has happened.....Just hang on to what you are doing and make that clear from the start. That will at least slow him down. I wish you the best man...I hope it works out.

Hi Finmywayback,

I commend you your two weeks sobriety and wanting to help your brother.
I agree with other members that you need to set boundaries, definitely no alcohol in the house.
This is your recovery.
It is still a mystery why some of us "get it" and are ready to get sober and others who are suffering so badly don't.

Be an example, be supportive but your sobriety is the most important if you want to help your brother.
I wish you all the best.

CaiHong