Lonely and needy
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Lonely and needy
Sometimes I don't want to post here because I feel others think I'm pretentious. Maybe I am. Not sure why I feel that way, but I do.
This week has been tough for me at home because my husband is very busy with college and exams. We both work full time.
Last night we had an argument over him not paying attention at dinner. We sat in front of the tv for dinner and he proceeded to either stare at the tv or his new tablet. I was upset because we only had 10 min for dinner before he had to go back to studying and I I felt that he should spend those 10 min talking with me. He got mad because he said that I'm always mad about him spending too much time with his video games or whatnot.
I went to bed alone and sad.
This morning he attempted an apology, it seemed half-sincere.
I began to explain again why I was upset. He told me, you have been so needy since you got sober. I told him I'm lonely. And then I had a realization:
The whole time he's been studying and I've been leaving him alone - I was downing large quantities of booze! So now that I don't have the booze I'm lonely!
I am trying to reach out to others, but I guess it's still hard. Won't be perfect overnight. I'm not sure what to do.
This week has been tough for me at home because my husband is very busy with college and exams. We both work full time.
Last night we had an argument over him not paying attention at dinner. We sat in front of the tv for dinner and he proceeded to either stare at the tv or his new tablet. I was upset because we only had 10 min for dinner before he had to go back to studying and I I felt that he should spend those 10 min talking with me. He got mad because he said that I'm always mad about him spending too much time with his video games or whatnot.
I went to bed alone and sad.
This morning he attempted an apology, it seemed half-sincere.
I began to explain again why I was upset. He told me, you have been so needy since you got sober. I told him I'm lonely. And then I had a realization:
The whole time he's been studying and I've been leaving him alone - I was downing large quantities of booze! So now that I don't have the booze I'm lonely!
I am trying to reach out to others, but I guess it's still hard. Won't be perfect overnight. I'm not sure what to do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 36
you could try an AA meeting and find some girls to hang out with to get your mind off of it? I'm trying to replace old friends with that it works for me, my new friends are always wanting to go out for coffee or go bowling... It's worth a shot and if it doesnt work you are only out on one hour of your life...
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Yeah, that's one of the things I'm trying. It's hard because I've learned that I spent many years isolating myself. So I really have to force myself.
One other thing I've noticed, everything seems to hurt my feelings. I'm overly offended and sensitive. I don't know how to deal with that or get over it and I'm pretty sure my husband is tired of it.
One other thing I've noticed, everything seems to hurt my feelings. I'm overly offended and sensitive. I don't know how to deal with that or get over it and I'm pretty sure my husband is tired of it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 205
I'd think you quitting drinking was like a light switch going from off to on, for both of you. Its just a learning curve right now and its normal to be bored and needy (Iam in the same boat) but give it time and it should be fine. Water finds its own level...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
Sorry to say this but when you eat dinner in front of the tv means that no one is talking to each other and focusing on what's on the tv. Your husband has a lot on his plate with full time work and school/homework. If you want to talk to him more then don't eat in front of the tv. With your loneliness issue, have you thought about joining a club around your area? There are a lot clubs/groups. Meetup.com is a good place to find people with your same interest.
Good luck!
Good luck!
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by ACT10Npack 
Sorry to say this but when you eat dinner in front of the tv means that no one is talking to each other and focusing on what's on the tv. Your husband has a lot on his plate with full time work and school/homework. If you want to talk to him more then don't eat in front of the tv. With your loneliness issue, have you thought about joining a club around your area? There are a lot clubs/groups. Meetup.com is a good place to find people with your same interest.
Good luck!
Good luck!
I did join a book club on meetup and that was a great idea. I've met a friend via that club and I think we have plans this Sunday.
I think a lot of my loneliness and neediness might be because of the major adjustment in my life. I hope that soon it just evens out and I feel more normal. I know my husband has a lot on his plate. He's not very nice to be around when he's stressed and that's what really bothers me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,247
Hey Lost... My wife say the same about me. I recently finished a fairly strenuous professional program over several years. There were certain points during that time that I was 'cranky'.
She use to run in her college days, so she picked that up again. Recently she has started taking yoga and really finds a difference in her ability to focus and well as her muscle tone.(she is trying to convince me to go and I am thinking she is on to something..)
Have you in the past been interested in activities like running, aerobics, weights? Just an idea.
Jim
She use to run in her college days, so she picked that up again. Recently she has started taking yoga and really finds a difference in her ability to focus and well as her muscle tone.(she is trying to convince me to go and I am thinking she is on to something..)
Have you in the past been interested in activities like running, aerobics, weights? Just an idea.
Jim
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Hi soberjim: Can you clarify? In my situation are you me or my husband? I suck with exercise. More like, I suck getting to the gym, but once I'm there I LOVE it.
Yoga is fantastic. My husband lost tons of weight doing it and was calm like I've never seen. You definitely need to try it, especially the hot yoga. I don't even like cold room yoga any longer.
Maybe you are on to something. Exercise. I'll think about what you said and give that an honest try. I've been bad about it and it was part of my sober plan, to exercise a lot more - and I have not done that.
Yoga is fantastic. My husband lost tons of weight doing it and was calm like I've never seen. You definitely need to try it, especially the hot yoga. I don't even like cold room yoga any longer.
Maybe you are on to something. Exercise. I'll think about what you said and give that an honest try. I've been bad about it and it was part of my sober plan, to exercise a lot more - and I have not done that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,247
In your situation I would be your husband. Needing time to study, and then being cranky (sometimes) even when I was not studying...That is why my wife got back into running.
I think exercise is important (for me). It gives me something to focus on. Several weeks ago, I started to go back to the gym. I actually get up Tues and Thurs mornings at 5:15 to go work out for 1 hour before work. My wife goes as well, but she runs on the treadmill.
I guess I should start going to yoga with my wife, but I think she like her own time now and I might be intruding.
All I know is when I exercise, I feel good, and that is sooo much better than waking up with a hang over. I know exactly what you mean about getting to the gym though. This past Thursday my alarm went off and I really had to kick myself to get out of bed, but when I got home and ate breakfast I felt really good. Also I find when I work out early am it gives me more energy during the day.
Jim
I think exercise is important (for me). It gives me something to focus on. Several weeks ago, I started to go back to the gym. I actually get up Tues and Thurs mornings at 5:15 to go work out for 1 hour before work. My wife goes as well, but she runs on the treadmill.
I guess I should start going to yoga with my wife, but I think she like her own time now and I might be intruding.
All I know is when I exercise, I feel good, and that is sooo much better than waking up with a hang over. I know exactly what you mean about getting to the gym though. This past Thursday my alarm went off and I really had to kick myself to get out of bed, but when I got home and ate breakfast I felt really good. Also I find when I work out early am it gives me more energy during the day.
Jim
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
I see. The cool thing about yoga is there is no talking really, and you are concentrating on yourself, so if you go with her it won't feel like an intrusion at all. You are in your own little world. But yet you'll be next to her. It's kinda nice.
So does your wife go running when you are studying?
The truth is I'm overweight. I could stand to lose about 25 lbs. So working out is in my best interest. Our weather is cold and it's dark early evenings so I'd be doing gym time.
I used to do the early morning thing, but then my drinking totally got in the way. I have been thinking about the early morning workout. Right now I just need to get there! LOL.
And yeah, when I'm there and on the treadmill, listening to jamming music, I feel GREAT!!!
So does your wife go running when you are studying?
The truth is I'm overweight. I could stand to lose about 25 lbs. So working out is in my best interest. Our weather is cold and it's dark early evenings so I'd be doing gym time.
I used to do the early morning thing, but then my drinking totally got in the way. I have been thinking about the early morning workout. Right now I just need to get there! LOL.
And yeah, when I'm there and on the treadmill, listening to jamming music, I feel GREAT!!!
Originally Posted by soberjim
In your situation I would be your husband. Needing time to study, and then being cranky (sometimes) even when I was not studying...That is why my wife got back into running.
I think exercise is important (for me). It gives me something to focus on. Several weeks ago, I started to go back to the gym. I actually get up Tues and Thurs mornings at 5:15 to go work out for 1 hour before work. My wife goes as well, but she runs on the treadmill.
I guess I should start going to yoga with my wife, but I think she like her own time now and I might be intruding.
All I know is when I exercise, I feel good, and that is sooo much better than waking up with a hang over. I know exactly what you mean about getting to the gym though. This past Thursday my alarm went off and I really had to kick myself to get out of bed, but when I got home and ate breakfast I felt really good. Also I find when I work out early am it gives me more energy during the day.
Jim
I think exercise is important (for me). It gives me something to focus on. Several weeks ago, I started to go back to the gym. I actually get up Tues and Thurs mornings at 5:15 to go work out for 1 hour before work. My wife goes as well, but she runs on the treadmill.
I guess I should start going to yoga with my wife, but I think she like her own time now and I might be intruding.
All I know is when I exercise, I feel good, and that is sooo much better than waking up with a hang over. I know exactly what you mean about getting to the gym though. This past Thursday my alarm went off and I really had to kick myself to get out of bed, but when I got home and ate breakfast I felt really good. Also I find when I work out early am it gives me more energy during the day.
Jim
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,247
Lost...actually I'm now done my studying. Thats kinda how I got into my problem. I studied over a period of 5 years to get a designation. During that time I drank only on week ends and even then maybe 2/3 drinks because I need to put in a great deal of time on Sat/Sun.
Once I got finished about 2.5 years ago, lots of free time. Quickly escalated to wine on Friday/Sat/Sun then Wed/Thu/Frid ect. You get the idea.
It was during the study time that my wife got back into running and exercise. So over the past several years she has worked her way up to running 5 X per week. I however gained 25 lbs from lack of exercise. It is only now that I am dealing with the alcohol 9and weight). Exercise is now like therapy for me.
Our weather (in Canada) in as you can guess is very cold. Lots of snow and ice at the moment, so the gym is the best option for running. Early mornings , once you get there after warming the car up, are great.
Week end is coming up, breakout the sweats!
Jim
Once I got finished about 2.5 years ago, lots of free time. Quickly escalated to wine on Friday/Sat/Sun then Wed/Thu/Frid ect. You get the idea.
It was during the study time that my wife got back into running and exercise. So over the past several years she has worked her way up to running 5 X per week. I however gained 25 lbs from lack of exercise. It is only now that I am dealing with the alcohol 9and weight). Exercise is now like therapy for me.
Our weather (in Canada) in as you can guess is very cold. Lots of snow and ice at the moment, so the gym is the best option for running. Early mornings , once you get there after warming the car up, are great.
Week end is coming up, breakout the sweats!
Jim
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 39
I FEEL your pain !!! Seems like I have been VERY Snippy at my hubby or I take everything to heart. When I want to talk there's too much going on and when he wants to talk I'm over it. I feel a huge wedge building between us and it's bugging the crap out of me. I am not a small child and demand much of his time but I would like a few minutes of it......MEN !!! 
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
That's funny. Three years ago I finished my degree and that's when my drinking really picked up. I know how you felt, because before I was working, studying, working, studying. Then just working. Lots of free time. Alcohol was fun.
Yep, weekend is coming up. Treadmill here I come!!!!
Yep, weekend is coming up. Treadmill here I come!!!!
Originally Posted by soberjim
Lost...actually I'm now done my studying. Thats kinda how I got into my problem. I studied over a period of 5 years to get a designation. During that time I drank only on week ends and even then maybe 2/3 drinks because I need to put in a great deal of time on Sat/Sun.
Once I got finished about 2.5 years ago, lots of free time. Quickly escalated to wine on Friday/Sat/Sun then Wed/Thu/Frid ect. You get the idea.
It was during the study time that my wife got back into running and exercise. So over the past several years she has worked her way up to running 5 X per week. I however gained 25 lbs from lack of exercise. It is only now that I am dealing with the alcohol 9and weight). Exercise is now like therapy for me.
Our weather (in Canada) in as you can guess is very cold. Lots of snow and ice at the moment, so the gym is the best option for running. Early mornings , once you get there after warming the car up, are great.
Week end is coming up, breakout the sweats!
Jim
Once I got finished about 2.5 years ago, lots of free time. Quickly escalated to wine on Friday/Sat/Sun then Wed/Thu/Frid ect. You get the idea.
It was during the study time that my wife got back into running and exercise. So over the past several years she has worked her way up to running 5 X per week. I however gained 25 lbs from lack of exercise. It is only now that I am dealing with the alcohol 9and weight). Exercise is now like therapy for me.
Our weather (in Canada) in as you can guess is very cold. Lots of snow and ice at the moment, so the gym is the best option for running. Early mornings , once you get there after warming the car up, are great.
Week end is coming up, breakout the sweats!
Jim
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by jjc81
I FEEL your pain !!! Seems like I have been VERY Snippy at my hubby or I take everything to heart. When I want to talk there's too much going on and when he wants to talk I'm over it. I feel a huge wedge building between us and it's bugging the crap out of me. I am not a small child and demand much of his time but I would like a few minutes of it......MEN !!!
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Yes, you men are great 
- however, I know what Lost means. I admit to being needier now that I'm sober - & my husband doesn't understand what he's doing to upset me. I think I'm more anxious & nervous at times - not as content to have silence between us. Not sure what that's about. Good discussion, though - thanks.
- however, I know what Lost means. I admit to being needier now that I'm sober - & my husband doesn't understand what he's doing to upset me. I think I'm more anxious & nervous at times - not as content to have silence between us. Not sure what that's about. Good discussion, though - thanks.
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