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Lonely and needy

Old 02-10-2012, 12:08 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Well anxiety clearly isn't gender specific, I know it consumes me in the hours and days after I binge drink. The blackouts, the what did I do's, all consume me, and put me on edge. No patience for my spouse, etc. prb different than what your experience is, but anxiety and drinking seem to go hand in hand, at least they did for me....
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:11 PM
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Well, I am sure I drank to fill the void of dh being off on his computer, ignoring me.

Lost I get what you are saying and I hope you can find quality time together.

There is some validity to the expectation that partners should want to spend some time together, no? I mean, why else get married and be partnered?

So, I am not sure you are being unreasonable to expect your dh to have a meal with you for 30 minutes now and again. Goodness!

For me, I feel needy, but I am needy. I am lonely. I do not enjoy sitting alone in the house when my parner is home as well(and not busy with work) doing something instead of being with me. I pretty much have given up the fight.

He is a good father, and a decent friend at times, but not attentive as a husband. It was always a bit of an issue. These things do not change. Trust me. Sobering up means reevaluating alot of life. This is a painful part of it for me.

Good luck with it on your end, Lost. I am not sure hoe long you have been married, but if it is fairly young, try to work out some good habits of scheduling some time for one-another. I think we cannot take that for granted. i think we have gone too far down that road in my 18 year marriage. Just not sure we can get that spark back. I hope you can.
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:13 PM
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Yes, I remember those horrible mornings filled with anxiety, dread, remorse. Never again.
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Old 02-10-2012, 01:14 PM
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Originally Posted by sugarbear1 View Post
Going to AA is like going to the gym.
Oh, no, it's far better.
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Old 02-10-2012, 02:26 PM
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Thing is, I think you are right, he is doing what he's already been doing in the past. It's not going to change. We've been married almost 9 yrs by the way.

And I really should paint a clear picture here. On the weekends we do tons of things together. Tonight is gym and out to dinner. Tomorrow is a flamenco/dinner show. Sunday he works but afterwards it's dinner out. That's a normal weekend for us. And then there's the countless outings during the week for special stuff: Theater plays, movies, events.

I know I'm being overly sensitive. We just had lunch. It's his day off and so he comes to my office, we have a long, leisurely lunch and then he goes off to study until I can finish up work. We talked about this stuff and things are all good between us again.

The dinner thing, well, I need to initiate this. I'm the cook, so I'm the one dictating where we are eating. From now on, it's going to be the kitchen table.

I have been dismissing the Serenity prayer lately, mainly because I'm so not religious and dislike the god part. But if you ignore the god section, the rest actually is quite true. Annoying! LOL.


Originally Posted by rochele View Post
Well, I am sure I drank to fill the void of dh being off on his computer, ignoring me.

Lost I get what you are saying and I hope you can find quality time together.

There is some validity to the expectation that partners should want to spend some time together, no? I mean, why else get married and be partnered?

So, I am not sure you are being unreasonable to expect your dh to have a meal with you for 30 minutes now and again. Goodness!

For me, I feel needy, but I am needy. I am lonely. I do not enjoy sitting alone in the house when my parner is home as well(and not busy with work) doing something instead of being with me. I pretty much have given up the fight.

He is a good father, and a decent friend at times, but not attentive as a husband. It was always a bit of an issue. These things do not change. Trust me. Sobering up means reevaluating alot of life. This is a painful part of it for me.

Good luck with it on your end, Lost. I am not sure hoe long you have been married, but if it is fairly young, try to work out some good habits of scheduling some time for one-another. I think we cannot take that for granted. i think we have gone too far down that road in my 18 year marriage. Just not sure we can get that spark back. I hope you can.
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Old 02-10-2012, 03:52 PM
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Rochelle / Lost...I think you both are stumbling on something very profound. Are we more needy and sensitive now or.....were we always that needy and sensitive and did we drink to quiet that down? This isn't an esoteric question, because I would bet that until we start addressing the root cause, alcohol will always be an escape for us ....if nothing more than in the back of our minds.
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Old 02-10-2012, 04:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Lost3000 View Post
Thing is, I think you are right, he is doing what he's already been doing in the past. It's not going to change. We've been married almost 9 yrs by the way.

And I really should paint a clear picture here. On the weekends we do tons of things together. Tonight is gym and out to dinner. Tomorrow is a flamenco/dinner show. Sunday he works but afterwards it's dinner out. That's a normal weekend for us. And then there's the countless outings during the week for special stuff: Theater plays, movies, events.

I know I'm being overly sensitive. We just had lunch. It's his day off and so he comes to my office, we have a long, leisurely lunch and then he goes off to study until I can finish up work. We talked about this stuff and things are all good between us again.

The dinner thing, well, I need to initiate this. I'm the cook, so I'm the one dictating where we are eating. From now on, it's going to be the kitchen table.

I have been dismissing the Serenity prayer lately, mainly because I'm so not religious and dislike the god part. But if you ignore the god section, the rest actually is quite true. Annoying! LOL.
This clarifies alot. I think he sounds wonderfully attentive! I am envious! Not the case on my end here. So, maybe you are feeling edgy with the giving up drinking. I feel that way right now. just irritated and annoyed that dh is having a few beers which pretty much leaves me feeling left out and off on my own. But, i am more alert and present and enjoy my children much more when i do not drink. There is a huge forever win!
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Old 02-13-2012, 07:42 AM
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Mental and Rochele:

I think I've been needy and lonely for a long time. And yes, I think alcohol helped drown that out. I really didn't DO anything, besides drink. And as a result I really have no friends. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have scored my great husband!

I've been pushing myself to get outside of my box, and it's helping quite a bit. I've taken SoberJim's advice and have gotten to the gym a lot in the past few days. That itself has greatly improved my stress and overall attitude.

Next, I've reached out and made plans with the new friends I've made. It's a little uncomfortable at times but I realize it's because I'm doing something different and I push through it in hopes that it'll get better.

Yesterday I went out with a friend I met from a book club. She's a drinker. I wasn't sure if she's an alkie or a regular drinker so I proceeded with caution.

We went to a Mexican restaurant and she ordered a mini margarita. It didn't bother me one bit. She asked if I drank at all and I just said, nope, I quit. It was so easy! She took that explanation and we just moved on, no big deal. She had two of these little drinks, and seemed fine. We went about our day shopping and I was amazed at how normal she seemed. If it was me, I'd keep on drinking and then instead of shopping would just hit another bar. For our next meetup we are going to a tea house. I think I've got a friend here!

Yesterday my husband was talking about quitting too. He rarely drinks. He's had one beer in my 44 days of sobriety. I asked why, he said to support me. While I think that is so sweet, I told him, you really don't have to, but that's cool if you want to. I'm so glad to have him and I feel for you guys who don't have that. If he was drinking regularly this would be very hard.

Anyways, a bit of an update there along with my 2 cents.
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Old 02-13-2012, 07:58 AM
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Hey Lost..Sounds like to have many positives going for you. Glad to hear how supportive your spouse is. Helps a great deal. Keep going to the gym!

Jim
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Old 02-13-2012, 08:05 AM
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Thanks soberjim. I really need to lose weight. I've been eating desserts and that's not helping. I'm at an all-time high and will not accept that weight.
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Old 02-13-2012, 08:20 AM
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Lost 3000... eliminating the alcohol will have a positive effect on your weight. Nothing wrong with the occassion dessert either. The exercise combined with the lack of alcohol will give you positive results, just takes time.

I have been going regularly to the gym for the past 4 weeks, lost a bit of weight (3lbs) but I feel alot better. I am taking the approach that it is a lifestyle change. Eliminate alcohol and eat better. Actually had a spinach salad on Saturday evening and it wasn't have bad. Plus I am drinking a lot of water and eating smaller meals, but have a snack (piece of fruit) in the afternoon.

You will get there.

Jim
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Old 02-13-2012, 08:50 AM
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Well you'd think quitting booze would help my weight, but instead I've gained. : (

I suppose I'll just have to keep at it. I wanted to be smaller when I turn 40 this year, not bigger!
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Old 02-13-2012, 10:16 AM
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Maybe you are subbing the alcohol calories with snacking? I had that going on last week. Filling the void with chips and ice cream here and there. I generally eat pretty healthily. I was up a few this weekend.

Alcohol is a diuretic. I think, when I quit the first time, it took a few weeks, and then I lost alot of water weight. Just noticed one week I suddenly was making alot of bathroom trips(pee). Sorry if TMI. So I think you can retain a bit until your body adapts to not having the alcohol.

I find reducing carbs and restricting them to whole grains, sweet potatoes, fruits, etc... helpful. I had lost 60 pounds as part of my 2010 change in lifestyle. I cannot help but think, for me, carb addiction goes hand in hand with the alcohol addiction. They are similar battles for me.

Sounds like you have had a good weekend, Lost! Keep up the good work. I was going to go out again tonight(some of the same women from Thursday, a task/party for school), but I am feeling sick with a cold. Going to stay home.
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Old 02-13-2012, 10:37 AM
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Yep, probably subbing food for booze, no doubt.

I'm on day 44. Maybe there is some type of body adjustment going on.

The weekend was pretty good!

So yeah, I'll try to be better with the food intake. And I was just telling soberjim, that maybe if I change my line of thinking. Instead of HH it'll be the gym? And maybe a reward system of shopping after a few pounds?!? haha.

Originally Posted by rochele View Post
Maybe you are subbing the alcohol calories with snacking? I had that going on last week. Filling the void with chips and ice cream here and there. I generally eat pretty healthily. I was up a few this weekend.

Alcohol is a diuretic. I think, when I quit the first time, it took a few weeks, and then I lost alot of water weight. Just noticed one week I suddenly was making alot of bathroom trips(pee). Sorry if TMI. So I think you can retain a bit until your body adapts to not having the alcohol.

I find reducing carbs and restricting them to whole grains, sweet potatoes, fruits, etc... helpful. I had lost 60 pounds as part of my 2010 change in lifestyle. I cannot help but think, for me, carb addiction goes hand in hand with the alcohol addiction. They are similar battles for me.

Sounds like you have had a good weekend, Lost! Keep up the good work. I was going to go out again tonight(some of the same women from Thursday, a task/party for school), but I am feeling sick with a cold. Going to stay home.
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