New Here - My experience so far
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4
New Here - My experience so far
Hi everyone,
First of all, thanks to everyone who contributes to this board, I couldn't have even considered getting off the wagon if it weren't for all the experience and advice on this site, it was my primer to stopping and is now my daily maintenance to keep me sober!
I am truly thankful, even although I've not been actively participating in the forum I have been reading a lot everyday and the comfort in knowing that others are going through the exact same thing has been what has kept me on the straight and narrow.
This is day 40 sober for me.
As this is my first post, I wanted to give a little commentary on my situation and how it's going now in the hope that it can help someone else out in a similar situation.
I started drinking when I was 14 years old, with my older brother regularly buying alcohol for my friends and I at the weekend. I also grew up in a culture where is was acceptable to give your children small amounts of alcohol at meals and other big yearly celebrations. It just seemed right, my parents were drinking along with other family members and friends, how bad could it be? In retrospect, pretty bad...
Fast forward to the beginning of what I refer to as my "drinking career", at the time I was 19 years old and I had just moved to a new country after being given an amazing life changing opportunity to go and work in the company that I had always aspired to work for. Work was great, I had money, friends and beer! The good times were rolling.
At the time, I thought nothing of sinking anywhere between 6 - 10 pints per day on the weeknights, and the real treats (as I told myself I deserved) were reserved for the weekends with lengthy expeditions into various spirits and occasionally other recreational drugs but alcohol was the number 1 drug of choice and it remained in force.
I never ever considered that my drinking was becoming a problem in my early and mid 20's. I was holding down various demanding jobs and making a lot of money for someone my age in my industry. When I wasn't drunk I was working, that was my life. I even encouraged others in my company to drink by holding champagne breakfasts on a Friday morning before having lunch in a bar and drinking further, which in actual fact was just a good way to take the edge of my Thursday hangover and get me started up for the weekend, of course, not much work actually took place on a Friday.
Although I was drinking constantly I was able to achieve a lot, professionally and personally. I then went on to found my own company which was successful, I got my pilots licence, I bought shares in an aircraft. I had a few high end cars, a few houses in different countries. I drove drunk (drinking as I was driving) and I also piloted my aircraft with a few beers by my side ( I once fell asleep at the controls ), looking back now, I had created a strange world around me and the people who surrounded me were as problematic drinkers as I was... That was some serious fuel on the fire.
Then it happened, the unfortunate chain of events that would send my drinking from manageable to really out of control. Within a very short space of time (1 year), a close family member passed away, my company was shut down, I divorced my wife of 11 years, I lost my houses and I ended up sleeping on a family members sofa while I remarried in the middle of all this (for reasons I still can't work out) to someone who made sure I lost whatever I had left, financially, spiritually and emotionally. I was truly bankrupt, in all of the senses of the word.
By this point, I'd wake up and start drinking almost straight away, hell, i had to stop my hands shaking somehow, i would attempt to work half drunk and keep a face on to try and get something going again but my heart wasn't in it and i was losing all interest fast... I got into a massive financial mess because I couldn't get it together, everything I tried, failed due to lack of interest and alcohol.
After all this I went into a massive depression that I honestly thought I'd never get out. I then sold everything I owned and I moved away to yet another country, to start a fresh. My plan was to work online, I have the skills and the contacts, I'd start a new business and a new life. That didnt work, my days were then spent sleeping in the morning and drinking in the local bars all afternoon and all evening. I wasn't eating, my health was really starting to deteriorate, people thought I was in my 40's, I was in my early 30's. I got to the point where I decided that if I died, it simply didn't matter, I had actually given up all hope and now had no value attached to my life. No one would really miss me, after the trouble I've caused for everyone. That's what I thought, only now I can see how bad I was.
Now I was on my own, in a strange country, my only friends beings the ones from the local bars. I wasn't working. I'm surprised I didn't cause serious bodily harm to anyone or myself as I drove drunk constantly . So drunk in fact, sometimes I'd wake up the next day, not have any idea about the evening before and my car would not be in the garage, I had to go and find it.
This wasn't working, by now I'd spent everything I had made from selling all my remaining possessions. I returned to my family members sofa and continued my drinking, i gained a lot of weight, had zero short term memory, zero ability to concentrate (or care) and had very little interest in anything at all apart from getting drunk. The strange feeling of helplessness that overcame me I still remember vividly, I had a feeling of not wanting anything, a feeling of no matter what happened my life would remain like this, an empty and unwelcome void. Money, relationships, career... I didn't care anymore as long as i had my beers, i didn't care about the rest.
Then out of the blue I got a job offer from a company that I had applied to a long time ago before I started my own company, was I still available? My family talked me into taking the job and trying to make a go of it. It was again, in another new foreign country which appealed to me. I took the job but my drinking remained the same, I was drunk everyday. Hiding alcohol, drinking alone, drinking with people I'd not normally associate myself with. By this point I could drink 15 bottles of beer in a bar quite easily over a few hours, and various shots. This time I had no money, and my entire salary was being spent on alcohol and "food", which consisted of fast food and instant food. At this point I realised how much of my income and savings I'd previously spent on 'having a good time'.
I then got given a bottle of very strong spirits for my birthday, I drank it after my normal daily beer intake and I became very VERY ill, this wasn't like a hangover, this was much more serious, I felt that I was about to die, I was very ill for almost 2 weeks, I never went to the doctor, I was too scared (or embarrassed?). I reasoned with myself that I should be OK to cut down to 6 - 8 beers per day until I feel better.
I never got better, at that point I opened up google and typed in "alcoholic recovery help" and found this site.
I quit drinking on the 2nd of January 2012. Today is day 40. It has been a difficult 40 days but well worthwhile. My first 12 days of being sober I couldn't physically do anything, I didn't leave the house, I just ate a little and slept a lot, it felt like the Mother of all hangovers I was depleted of all energy. I was having some serious nightmares and the sweats were really really bad. On day 13 I tried to put myself into this new world, the sober world, oh boy, this was different.
I have been trying to keep a positive mental attitude, but sometimes this is not possible, some days I am so down even although my prospects are fantastic now. There's nothing that can shake me out of my slump. Other days I'm on top of the world, happier than I have been for a long time. I just accept that I am at an early period in recovery and emotional stability with come with time. Having numbed my feelings for so very long early sobriety presented a few big challenges, mostly the fact that my emotions were coming at me unobstructed and at full power, good and bad. This was hard to handle. All the stuff that I thought I'd dealt with came back, all at the same time, I really took a pounding.
I have never attended any AA meetings, I'm quite a shy introverted person (not online clearly, but in person) and I am going to handle this on my own with the support of this site and mercifully, the good group of people that I have attracted in my 40 days sober.
So, a truly heartfelt THANK YOU to everyone on the board who is contributing such critical information to both newly sober people and recovering alcoholics, even although I haven't conversed directly with you, you have helped me get this far and that in itself is a small miracle all things considered.
All the best,
Braziller.
First of all, thanks to everyone who contributes to this board, I couldn't have even considered getting off the wagon if it weren't for all the experience and advice on this site, it was my primer to stopping and is now my daily maintenance to keep me sober!
I am truly thankful, even although I've not been actively participating in the forum I have been reading a lot everyday and the comfort in knowing that others are going through the exact same thing has been what has kept me on the straight and narrow.
This is day 40 sober for me.
As this is my first post, I wanted to give a little commentary on my situation and how it's going now in the hope that it can help someone else out in a similar situation.
I started drinking when I was 14 years old, with my older brother regularly buying alcohol for my friends and I at the weekend. I also grew up in a culture where is was acceptable to give your children small amounts of alcohol at meals and other big yearly celebrations. It just seemed right, my parents were drinking along with other family members and friends, how bad could it be? In retrospect, pretty bad...
Fast forward to the beginning of what I refer to as my "drinking career", at the time I was 19 years old and I had just moved to a new country after being given an amazing life changing opportunity to go and work in the company that I had always aspired to work for. Work was great, I had money, friends and beer! The good times were rolling.
At the time, I thought nothing of sinking anywhere between 6 - 10 pints per day on the weeknights, and the real treats (as I told myself I deserved) were reserved for the weekends with lengthy expeditions into various spirits and occasionally other recreational drugs but alcohol was the number 1 drug of choice and it remained in force.
I never ever considered that my drinking was becoming a problem in my early and mid 20's. I was holding down various demanding jobs and making a lot of money for someone my age in my industry. When I wasn't drunk I was working, that was my life. I even encouraged others in my company to drink by holding champagne breakfasts on a Friday morning before having lunch in a bar and drinking further, which in actual fact was just a good way to take the edge of my Thursday hangover and get me started up for the weekend, of course, not much work actually took place on a Friday.
Although I was drinking constantly I was able to achieve a lot, professionally and personally. I then went on to found my own company which was successful, I got my pilots licence, I bought shares in an aircraft. I had a few high end cars, a few houses in different countries. I drove drunk (drinking as I was driving) and I also piloted my aircraft with a few beers by my side ( I once fell asleep at the controls ), looking back now, I had created a strange world around me and the people who surrounded me were as problematic drinkers as I was... That was some serious fuel on the fire.
Then it happened, the unfortunate chain of events that would send my drinking from manageable to really out of control. Within a very short space of time (1 year), a close family member passed away, my company was shut down, I divorced my wife of 11 years, I lost my houses and I ended up sleeping on a family members sofa while I remarried in the middle of all this (for reasons I still can't work out) to someone who made sure I lost whatever I had left, financially, spiritually and emotionally. I was truly bankrupt, in all of the senses of the word.
By this point, I'd wake up and start drinking almost straight away, hell, i had to stop my hands shaking somehow, i would attempt to work half drunk and keep a face on to try and get something going again but my heart wasn't in it and i was losing all interest fast... I got into a massive financial mess because I couldn't get it together, everything I tried, failed due to lack of interest and alcohol.
After all this I went into a massive depression that I honestly thought I'd never get out. I then sold everything I owned and I moved away to yet another country, to start a fresh. My plan was to work online, I have the skills and the contacts, I'd start a new business and a new life. That didnt work, my days were then spent sleeping in the morning and drinking in the local bars all afternoon and all evening. I wasn't eating, my health was really starting to deteriorate, people thought I was in my 40's, I was in my early 30's. I got to the point where I decided that if I died, it simply didn't matter, I had actually given up all hope and now had no value attached to my life. No one would really miss me, after the trouble I've caused for everyone. That's what I thought, only now I can see how bad I was.
Now I was on my own, in a strange country, my only friends beings the ones from the local bars. I wasn't working. I'm surprised I didn't cause serious bodily harm to anyone or myself as I drove drunk constantly . So drunk in fact, sometimes I'd wake up the next day, not have any idea about the evening before and my car would not be in the garage, I had to go and find it.
This wasn't working, by now I'd spent everything I had made from selling all my remaining possessions. I returned to my family members sofa and continued my drinking, i gained a lot of weight, had zero short term memory, zero ability to concentrate (or care) and had very little interest in anything at all apart from getting drunk. The strange feeling of helplessness that overcame me I still remember vividly, I had a feeling of not wanting anything, a feeling of no matter what happened my life would remain like this, an empty and unwelcome void. Money, relationships, career... I didn't care anymore as long as i had my beers, i didn't care about the rest.
Then out of the blue I got a job offer from a company that I had applied to a long time ago before I started my own company, was I still available? My family talked me into taking the job and trying to make a go of it. It was again, in another new foreign country which appealed to me. I took the job but my drinking remained the same, I was drunk everyday. Hiding alcohol, drinking alone, drinking with people I'd not normally associate myself with. By this point I could drink 15 bottles of beer in a bar quite easily over a few hours, and various shots. This time I had no money, and my entire salary was being spent on alcohol and "food", which consisted of fast food and instant food. At this point I realised how much of my income and savings I'd previously spent on 'having a good time'.
I then got given a bottle of very strong spirits for my birthday, I drank it after my normal daily beer intake and I became very VERY ill, this wasn't like a hangover, this was much more serious, I felt that I was about to die, I was very ill for almost 2 weeks, I never went to the doctor, I was too scared (or embarrassed?). I reasoned with myself that I should be OK to cut down to 6 - 8 beers per day until I feel better.
I never got better, at that point I opened up google and typed in "alcoholic recovery help" and found this site.
I quit drinking on the 2nd of January 2012. Today is day 40. It has been a difficult 40 days but well worthwhile. My first 12 days of being sober I couldn't physically do anything, I didn't leave the house, I just ate a little and slept a lot, it felt like the Mother of all hangovers I was depleted of all energy. I was having some serious nightmares and the sweats were really really bad. On day 13 I tried to put myself into this new world, the sober world, oh boy, this was different.
I have been trying to keep a positive mental attitude, but sometimes this is not possible, some days I am so down even although my prospects are fantastic now. There's nothing that can shake me out of my slump. Other days I'm on top of the world, happier than I have been for a long time. I just accept that I am at an early period in recovery and emotional stability with come with time. Having numbed my feelings for so very long early sobriety presented a few big challenges, mostly the fact that my emotions were coming at me unobstructed and at full power, good and bad. This was hard to handle. All the stuff that I thought I'd dealt with came back, all at the same time, I really took a pounding.
I have never attended any AA meetings, I'm quite a shy introverted person (not online clearly, but in person) and I am going to handle this on my own with the support of this site and mercifully, the good group of people that I have attracted in my 40 days sober.
So, a truly heartfelt THANK YOU to everyone on the board who is contributing such critical information to both newly sober people and recovering alcoholics, even although I haven't conversed directly with you, you have helped me get this far and that in itself is a small miracle all things considered.
All the best,
Braziller.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Awesome story...I can't believe you detoxed alone after that career...That must have been rough. Your story...Drinking wise....Is just like mine. Started real young...Knew I was an alcoholic at 15....That didn't stop me for 35 years. I let it beat me till I had nothing left...Amazing. Yeah 40 days is great...It does get better. You hear that a lot...It's true. I'm coming up on eight months...I was still trying to get my bearings at about 6 months....Much better...But I had a lot of undoing to do. More with my thinking...than my drinking. I wouldn't be alive right now if it wasn't for AA...I just couldn't do what needed to be done for me on my own. If shyness is the only reason you would turn down help like that....You should reconsider, It's a lifechanger. Anyway..Hang in there...You know where one drink will take you...Don't have it...I think you and I are both lucky to be alive. If you want to call it luck.
Professional Drunk
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 465
Thanks for your story Braziller. I see a lot of similarities from my life. I was a young, successful, up-and-coming man in my twenties with a great life. Only, I couldn't see it because my perception was tainted by the booze. I lost my well-paying job...leaving me to drink full-time all day until my credit cards were maxed out...then declared bankruptcy...moved back to my parents house. I too lost all ambition and interest in anything that didnt involve consuming alcohol. Im 35 now and starting over, but I've lost 10 years of my life. I struggle with thoughts about my wasted opportunities, but I am taking control of my demons with the help of this site.
So it goes
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,620
Everybody has a different story, but at the end they are all the same, we thought we could defeat alcohol , but it just waits to defeat us. Amazing story and welcome to SR. You are amongst friends.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4
Thank you very much for the welcome guys, i feel quite a big sense of relief now ive shared my story, thats the first time ive shared it in its entireity. Although it reads like a train wreck its somehow liberating.
Now im looking forward to possibly helping others that can benefit from my experience.
Now im looking forward to possibly helping others that can benefit from my experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Jitterbugg 
Thanks for your story Braziller. I see a lot of similarities from my life. I was a young, successful, up-and-coming man in my twenties with a great life. Only, I couldn't see it because my perception was tainted by the booze. I lost my well-paying job...leaving me to drink full-time all day until my credit cards were maxed out...then declared bankruptcy...moved back to my parents house. I too lost all ambition and interest in anything that didnt involve consuming alcohol. Im 35 now and starting over, but I've lost 10 years of my life. I struggle with thoughts about my wasted opportunities, but I am taking control of my demons with the help of this site.
Yes, we have a pretty similar story indeed. Im now of similar age to yourself and having to start over, but thats OK, its a small miracle we are still here! There is nothing from stopping us becoming highly successful now without the handicap of alcohol.
I have one friend who didnt start his first business until his late 30's, he is now a millionaire. I feel like you thinking i have wasted a lot of time but im trying to apply my energy into rebuilding my business and life, what has happened has happened, theres nothing we can do to change our pasts but theres a lot we can do to change our futures one small step at a time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: North America
Posts: 162
Thanks for sharing your story Braziler. I'm going on five months sober and can relate to your story quite well. Your story reminds me of where I was headed before I quit the booze.It helps reinforce the fact that I am powerless over alcohol.
I will not drink today.
I will not drink today.
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