pangur

I met a new sober friend, that's good. I already started drinking though, that's bad. I controlled my drinking during my public time, that's neither good nor bad, just fooling myself. Once I got home, 2 bottles of wine more, and off I go on a massive bender. The past couple of months, I've realized, I can't drink in moderation, those days are gone, getting off the junk is another story though, it's going to be another nasty couple of weeks.
Edit: I'm not looking for advice, I know what to do. I put this up here for all of you who are reading for the first time. If you are here, you probably have a problem right now. It might not be drinking, but might also be, you came to the right place, stick around and share.

endlesspatience

Yes, that's what happens to us. Time and time again we say we'll just have a couple and then it turns into a bender and we can't stop. Or at least, we can't stop until we call out for help. Which is what you've done. Keep posting, keeping talking to us. We're here to support each other.

GirlFromCO

Why drag it out? You missed the mark tonight but that doesn't mean you have to punish yourself for weeks to come. Tomorrow is a new, clean day.

Dee74

Two weeks?

You don't have to ride the train crash til the end Pangur...you can take action, positive action, and jump off any time.

You'll find a lot of support here.

D

pangur

I've a very physical thing going on, tomorrow will be brutish hell, that's why I stay topped up. I hate the fact that I'm a slave to booze, I remain in it's grip as a form of self medication to a pathetic extent, I drink to keep the demons away, physically. I'm depressed as hell right now, but drinking doesn't suit it, it's a very normal depression (the slow death of a parent, actually both parents), I should feel sad, that's fine, I can deal with that. Coming off the booze is going to be another circle of hell. I'm trying to decide what's right for me, in full awareness of the alcoholic voice (it's having a great time, win, win, win). But, I need to be honest about my circumstance, not making excuses though.
I'm very stressed, mentally, emotionally and physically. That's the hard truth.
I've an alcohol addiction, it causes a roller-coaster every time I quit.
I need to keep a balance for a while, some seriously bad news is coming in the next couple of weeks. It might sound deluded, it probably is, but keeping "just" topped up, might get me through this.
I'm not going anywhere, I'm on SR for life. I might not be a heavyweight champion, but I'm a slugger that never gives up trying.

GirlFromCO

I'm not ragging on you for being honest. I appreciate that. I know it's hard to come here and admit defeat - I've done it more than a few times personally. It's just that on the other side there is clarity. I know it's hard. You say your parents are dying. I'm guessing that's what the bad news is? I don't know what could be worse news than that. You've got to realize that you being wasted through this isn't going to help. If your mom or dad is aware at this point it's got to be distressing to them as well. Also, thinking that you can get through this topped off is really optimistic at this point, don't you think? If you could have controlled it before this god knows you would have. Right now you've got to have a clear head to prepare yourself for what's going to happen, because it sounds like it's going to get worse before it gets better. You need to be able to say goodbye - for yourself and for them. Doesn't that trump whatever physical problems you're dealing with? Imagine if they go and you're not fully there. That is something that you won' be able to change.

Dee74

Keeping myself 'topped up' never got me through anything, Pangur.

It was a nice line I used to feed myself, but it was more about running away than it was about getting through anything

You really haven't struck me as the running away type in your posts here @ SR so far.

I know it's scary - bad news, the anticipation, the dread, & the fear of pain the self doubt of wondering whether you can handle it, the self medication, the fear of withdrawal - all that fear is like rocket fuel to our addiction.

If you're stressed and overwhelmed and worried about withdrawal, see a Dr., Pangur - reach out, accept some help and nip this in the bud now.

D

pangur

They're not aware, brain cancer and parkinsons, it kinda sucks, I wish I could call them and talk about it but my Pop is a veg, my Mom is OCD. Aside from that, what I mentioned was staying "topped up", it doesn't mean getting trashed. topped up means keeping your body in a state that doesn't involve withdrawal. I'm not a genius, obviously, but I'm on a bit of a damage limitation plan emotionally. I'm trying not to get drunk, but I'm seriously (and I stress seriously) trying not to get sober for now,
You can all beat me at will,(I might even enjoy it )
Pangur

pangur

Thanks Dee, I agree 100%. I'm not in a situation to do this, it's white knuckle time, every time. Plenty of booze in this country, no support later, especially in English. I'm trying to gather members for an AA group here in English, lots of alcoholics, very few willing to admit it. I don't want to be a converter though.

GirlFromCO

Pangur, I'm not demonizing you. I'm sorry if it came off that way. What I'm saying comes from my strong belief that life is better sober. Tonight a newcomer posted in this forum about a terrible loss that he's been trying to numb for a year now. Did you catch his posts? It might seem like you're managing your emotions right now but they will be there waiting for you whether you drink a lot or a little or stop tomorrow or a year from now. At some point you've got to go through it, and you WILL go through it. To me it seems better to do it now than let it build up and get ever worse. That said, I get what you're doing, I really do. Be safe.

Dee74

Prayers for you and your family Pangur.

I really hope you read the responses you'll get here - I know you'll find a lot of wisdom.

I did things my way. I used to say it's rough but it works.

Only it didn't work - not really. We kind of drinkers make really bad Drs for ourselves, Pangur.

I'm glad I stopped feeding the monster long enough to listen to some other ideas.
I really hope you will too.

D

pangur

GirlFromCo, I know you get what i'm doing, it's a boozer site. I'm not proud of what I'm doing, it's very self indulgent, very. I also know myself, knowing and understanding what I'm doing is important, not a wrecking ball like before. I'm on SR to kick it, for life, I first joined SR when I wasn't serious about this. Now I'm serious, life has thrown me a curveball though. Some people might go nuts when they read this and tell me to quit while I'm ahead, I will, once I'm ahead. I'm not a chronic drinker, I've a drinking problem that I'm aware of. Quitting is a problem, but right now, it's the least of my problems. I'm going to ride this bitch out, as sober as I can, see you all on the other side.

instant

There will be a lot of grief to deal with whatever happens. Sometimes the headwinds just get stronger.

pangur

instant, yep, I know what's ahead with the booze, as for the emotional meltdown, I'm a virgin.

canguy

Hey Pangur....

I had to nurse my father to his death, he was frightened, at the end desperate and confused. I drank a lot all the way through it, every night in the ward staying until he was asleep. This was a year. Then our baby was born dead. That's been another year of drinking. Now my wife has gone, etc etc, This is really tough, hard stuff. These people can help us....you get to this point and its sink or swim. We gotta swim sista, okay?

justhadenough

I'm so sorry for your losses canguy

Pangur you can do this-good luck.

pangur

Canguy, 7 posts and all that potential love, get typing. I'm happy crying, lost a kid too, stillborn, perhaps I bottled that one up, excuse the pun. I read articles everyday about the biggest killers of men, heart disease/cancer/stroke etc. Isolation is number one, that's why so many of us drink so much. We, men, (sorry ladies, but in fairness, most of you can open up emotionally on tap), are walking timebombs, guys, we should open up more.
Canguy, what was a normal reply for you (perhaps), really opened up the floodgates in a good way for me. I really hid the loss of my first kid emotionally, thanks, time to deal with it.

canguy

...maybe I should start with an apology for assuming you are sista, yeah?

pangur

nope, last time I checked, franks and beans! I'm a guy!

llastchance8

Pangur , we all can relate to and understand your situation. The very reason, you are posting on SR shows that you are already somewhat ahead. May be not enough ahead to quit from this moment. Please do not treat this as preaching but just few thoughts .

1. Alcohol does not change reality. It changes our perception of reality.
2. Alcohol is a major depressant. Consuming alcohol to treat depression is like adding fuel to the fire.
3. As Dee mentioned, the monster within us wants to be fed. It just want to be fed during bad times, during good times as celebrations and during normal time to avoid withdrawals. The earlier we stop feeding this monster, the weaker it gets .

We wish you all the courage to tackle the bad news and your physical pain.