Juse

I've been struggling with a depression lately I've never had. And it's all in the wake of making drastic life changes, I'm currently sleeping in my truck to save money so I can move to Thailand this summer. I'm bored where I live, I'm bored with my life and how I've lived it for the last few years. I'm in need of a new change of scenery. That's all beside the point and not the main focus of this thread, although I would be happy to answer questions relating to the move.

So I've always been a pretty neutral/happy guy, but drinking has become ritualistic and has made me anti-social and self destructing. Under my current circumstances I don't think about drinking unless I'm over at someone's house where I can relax. When I'm not drinking, I'm working, sleeping and day dreaming, all while being an angry, hateful person. This has resulted in me taking illegal drugs to modify my mood, painkillers and stimulants, which is unlike me but alleviates this anger that seems to come out of no where.

I'm dealing with family issues as well and am in an abusive relationship with one family member. I need to commit to not drinking like I am committing to the move and find happiness and reward in it, but I'm struggling to do that. I have felt so low tonight and the last few nights I wish I could cry. Alcohol's grip will not let go of me, i can't shake it. Sometimes I contemplate suicide, not that I would ever do it, but sometimes that seems like the easy option. I feel lost a lot of the time and just need some encouragement. I have no one to turn to, except you SR, so I extend a hug out to all of you who are also struggling with pain.

Sapling

I contemplated suicide...I was too much of a coward to do it. I had to get some help quitting professionally...Medical detox....Inpatient rehab....You know when my head cleared up after a few weeks...I realised I'd been a coward when it came to alcohol most of my life. I was scared to do anything about it. Then it beat my ass....It won. I had to do something about it. AA is my program of recovery...It may not be yours...But find something that can be...Something you like and something that gives you hope. Maybe moving to Thailand is what you need...Only you know that. All I know about myself...Is I had to get some courage...Face this problem I couldn't stop on my own...And do the best I could to solve it...With a little bit of effort...A lot of honesty...I'm doing pretty good right now...Not drinking. I'd recommend it.
When drinking goes from happy to ritualistic...It's time to take a good look at it.

Dee74

Welcome back Juse

I felt all those things - the boredom, the anger, the hopelessness, the dark thoughts.

It wasn't until after I stopped drinking that I realised how much alcohol had been causing these moods - even when I wasn't drinking, or drunk.

It's a huge leap of faith - but you have to accept your life will get better if you give up drinking.

There's hundreds of people here who'll testify to the truth of that

It means that sometimes we have to find new solutions for the other problems in our lives, sure - but it's all worth it, Juse.

D

Juse

I appreciate the open minded response Sapling. I hope to find a working solution soon. I think it will work out, up until this moment in my waking life, everything has worked out for the better, and every choice i have made has been relatively positive, except the choice to continue to allow alcohol to be apart of my life, it's a dark cloud hanging over my head.

Dee, I hope these feelings are just from drinking! I'm ready to feel normal again. I sort of feel how I did when I quit smoking a few weeks ago.

Sapling

As long as you are looking...That's all that really counts. Best wishes for you.