I just don't know....
 

I just don't know what I am right now. I don't NEED to drink, I go days/weeks without drinking BUT once i have ONE I can't stop until its all gone. I have the most amazing husband who keeps asking me if I need to get help (rather angrily). I hide the stuff everywhere... so he won't be mad that its in the house. I'm alone WAY too much and don't have a social life. I'm turning into a bad parent. I do my best to hide it but the kid isn't dumb. I don't get "positive" support in this, just more yelling which leads to more drinking which yada yada... I don't even know where to start

You sound pretty much like all of us when we first came to recovery.
Is there an AA meeting in your area?

Bob R

Welcome, this is a great place for support.

IMHO, you're an alcoholic. Being alcoholic isn't because you drink everyday, or drink a certain amount everday. It is determined by what it does to you when you do drink.

Welcome to SR. The drinking kinda feeds the misery. Take away the drinking and I have a good feeling the yelling will slow down to a trickle.

BTW, if you don't "NEED" to drink, why even start with the first one?

You have come to the right place. There is a wealth of experience and wisdom here. Please keep us posted.

because i have nothing better to do? because I am alone alot? because its hard dealing with my kids ODD... because I am a pacifist and don't really know HOW to deal with other peoples anger... because i don't get angry... If I play video games instead, i get "all you do is play on your computer" and if I sew instead, all I get is "all you do is quit and you only quilt so people will like you" and if I try and do some Zumba at home I get , "you should take a break from that or else you will get bored of it" *sigh* I'm the one huddled in the corner not knowing what I can do to NOT make anyone mad...

Welcome to SR falling! This is a great place to start. If you haven't already, you may want to browse through some posts. There are many people here who you may relate to their struggles. It can help not to feel alone. It helped me when I came here a month ago.

:welcome to SR. Sounds like you have other problems besides drinking.
It sounds like your spouse is angry about something other than sewing or playing video games or even drinking.
Maybe you need some marriage counseling to find the roots of this.
Just a thought and a possibility not really advice.
In any case good luck.

Start by staying stopped. You'll get through all this. Think with a clear mind.

Peace,

Well you're here, that's a start. Drag your behind to a meeting, make an appointment with a counselor.. something. Action lady.. action. This **** doesn't go away on it's own, not until you've lost your kids, your freedom, or your life... and the first two still give you the option to keep getting drunk at some point.

I know it's hard when you have kids and husband around, but it sounds like you're giving too much concern over someone else's comments. If you want to quilt, then do it. That said, I do believe that balance is really important in recovery. :)

Welcome falling. Hopefully, you'll stay and keep talking to us. Drinking to make ourselves feel less anxious doesn't solve anything. Getting numb for the moment just helps short term. You need to keep a clear head so you can find some solutions. No one deserves to feel like they're cowering in a corner.

If you take drinking out of the picture, you can then try to solve your other relationship problems. Quit for yourself.

Welcome Falling :)

sometimes it's best to forget about the label and ask ourselves 'is my drinking causing problems for me?'

If the answers yes, then it's best to do something about it.

I didn't like conflict either and I had people who loved me but criticized everything I did - I had to learn to not to put as much store in what other people thought of me and focus instead on what I knew was good for me.

It all stems from not drinking in my experience...once I started working on my drinking problem, I began to put myself on a footing where I could start to deal with the other stuff too :)

You'll find a ton of support and understanding here :)

D

This is an excellent place to start, Falling. You can bet that all the sober folks here on SR started just as you did, looking for their own answer to their specific hell. We found support and encouragement, and the the courage to keep searching until we found peace. I hope you can find yours, Falling. Keep posting here.

Welcome Falling. There is so much support and love here. Just stick around and do alot of reading and posting.

I can relate to the drinking. Once I had that first one it was all over. Drank till I passed out.

Hang in there.

God bless.

Welcome falling!

Good for you for recognizing your problems with alcohol. In my experience (and others, too) it only gets worse the longer we keep drinking. Some of us just aren't wired to drink socially - as they say in AA "one is too many and 1000 is never enough."

We know what it's like - Glad you've joined us!:c031:

Thanks for all the comments. I decided to write myself a letter to keep with me. every time i read it, i have to sign it.. accountability. I thought I would share it w/ you and see what you all thought.

To Me,

I'm writing this down so I will always have it with me,

#1. You are a good person with a big heart, don't let people rell you different.

#2 While he may not show it as much as you like **** really does love you. He hurts inside at the stupid **** you do so don't do stupid ****. Remember that every time he gets angry at you its because he loves you and doesn't know how to fix you.

#3. *** is so smart, if ** acts like your mom is because you act like a child. Your best as a mom is way below parr and you HAVE to do better EVERY DAY. *** loves you. *** CAN'T fix you. Stop trying to make *** be like you and make yourself be more like ***. *** is amazing. Pull *** in instead of pushing *** away. They pushed you away once. Don't do it to ** figure out who *** is, KNOW who ***is. YOu will be a better mom I promise.

If everything is going to be okay again it has to start with YOU. Moving isn't going to change YOU. If you can't talk to people about what your doing, ITS WRONG. Having RCMD is not an excuse. If you need help, GO GET IT Your world will only change if you change your perception of it.

You get one shot at this. Today is the day. Don't be sad, be strong. ** knows you CAN do it. *** can't do it for you. Don't fall because you think *** is not there. Open your eyes and realize *** picks you up EVERY day. This is about fixing YOU but its not always ALL about you. There are other people who are broken. Fix what is your fault. Remember love is unconditional and knows no boundries.

Don't be afraid!!

-Love Me.