Back to day 1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 54
Back to day 1
Day 1 again. Walking on eggshells, waiting to see what the fallout is from yesterday. Trying to figure out why we do the things we do, how to fix myself. I stopped posting/visiting on here daily, just let things slide, and I'm back to square one. Part of me still doesn't WANT to stop- how messed up is that? The person I love the most is upstairs not speaking to me, and I don't know how to fix it, or even if it can be fixed.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
In my experience, the first step is to stop drinking again sadRN - everything else comes from that I think...
You can't focus on rescuing your reputation - it doesn't really work like that - but the only way peoples attitudes to me changed for the better was through my actions and my obvious commitment to change.
I'm sorry you drank but I'm glad you're back
D
You can't focus on rescuing your reputation - it doesn't really work like that - but the only way peoples attitudes to me changed for the better was through my actions and my obvious commitment to change.
I'm sorry you drank but I'm glad you're back
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
you've stopped the cycle and can learn from the error. you can recognize your triggers and get a firm footing. you are here, not back in a bottle of booze.
don't be ashamed or dwell on something you cannot change back. just own up to it with your loved one and try to be more vigilant in your sobriety.
don't be ashamed or dwell on something you cannot change back. just own up to it with your loved one and try to be more vigilant in your sobriety.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry to hear of your struggle. Despair is alcohol's way to pull you back into the cycle. Despair-drink, despair-drink...
You can break this cycle. You have control of the drink part.
Stopping when you want to stop is difficult enough. If you don't want to stop...then you won't. At least not alone. What are you doing to get support beside coming here? You didn't like counseling. There is the help provided by the fellow alcoholics in AA. Are you adverse to that?
In your first post you had said that you had reached IT--your bottom. But alcoholism is not affected by the mayhem and chaos and misery it causes. That is what is so baffling about this disorder. The sickness alone isn't enough to make us stop. Maybe you need something else. Maybe you need help. I pray you find it.
You can break this cycle. You have control of the drink part.
Stopping when you want to stop is difficult enough. If you don't want to stop...then you won't. At least not alone. What are you doing to get support beside coming here? You didn't like counseling. There is the help provided by the fellow alcoholics in AA. Are you adverse to that?
In your first post you had said that you had reached IT--your bottom. But alcoholism is not affected by the mayhem and chaos and misery it causes. That is what is so baffling about this disorder. The sickness alone isn't enough to make us stop. Maybe you need something else. Maybe you need help. I pray you find it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
Hey SadRN. I'm happy to see you back but I wish it was under different circumstances. I don't think any of us really wanted to stop drinking. That's the rub of addiction - you can lose so so much and you still don't want to give it up. The good news is that it's possible, even if it's not fun at first.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
SadRN, I understand! Every day that I drank I didn't want to but I did anyway. There is a tiny annoying little part of me that doesn't want to stop drinking, either. From the posts I've read around here that's not unusual.
But I now (in day 3 of a renewed attempt at sobriety) want to be sober more than I want to keep drinking. If you can get to that place, it may be a good start. Just keep posting and reading here. It really helps to know we aren't alone and that others have dealt with exactly the same things we are dealing with!
But I now (in day 3 of a renewed attempt at sobriety) want to be sober more than I want to keep drinking. If you can get to that place, it may be a good start. Just keep posting and reading here. It really helps to know we aren't alone and that others have dealt with exactly the same things we are dealing with!
MINEr
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Bay Area, Ca
Posts: 505
The fact that you came here and posted about it is a good sign that you are ready. As someone stated, being ready isn't the only thing necessary, the disease isn't affected by the turmoil it causes, it is it's own entity. I hope you find the help you need to get through the hard times in sobriety.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,470
SadRN, I'm sorry that you relapsed.
You said that part of you doesn't want to stop. In my opinion, you need to want to stop with everything that you have. You need to give it your all and to know that you want it more than anything else.
You said that part of you doesn't want to stop. In my opinion, you need to want to stop with everything that you have. You need to give it your all and to know that you want it more than anything else.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Sober State
Posts: 1,126
Ditto what Anna said. You have to want it more than anything. I went back & forth for 1-2 yrs, relapsing b/c there was a little part of me that didn't want to stop. Oh, I needed to, I knew I had to, everything was falling apart. It was a miserable downward spiral.
But one day after being sick & tired of being sick & tired. Of trying & failing, I finally wanted it bad enough. I wasn't scared, anymore that I could never drink again. I didnt care about booze. I wanted to be sober, more than anything. I'm willing to feel pain, despair, anxious, anger, etc. so long as I never drink again b/ c I know it could've cost me dearly. And I was tired of punishing myself. I've been sober 24 days. It's not alot, but my resolve is still strong. I will not let a liquid destroy my life. I want sobriety like I need air.
But one day after being sick & tired of being sick & tired. Of trying & failing, I finally wanted it bad enough. I wasn't scared, anymore that I could never drink again. I didnt care about booze. I wanted to be sober, more than anything. I'm willing to feel pain, despair, anxious, anger, etc. so long as I never drink again b/ c I know it could've cost me dearly. And I was tired of punishing myself. I've been sober 24 days. It's not alot, but my resolve is still strong. I will not let a liquid destroy my life. I want sobriety like I need air.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Wichita KS
Posts: 53
Some great advice I read was to write down exactly how you feel right now...every emotion... everything... and put that list somewhere that is always close. Next time you feel like drinking pull out that list and see where drinking took you last time... I printed a list and put it in my wallet and I know here in 14-30 days when I start feeling better/invincible again I'm going to need it Also I pledged to myself to start everyday here on this site as opposed to only coming after a relapse.... Good luck in your fight for sobriety
Also I pledged to myself to start everyday here on this site as opposed to only coming after a relapse.... Good luck in your fight for sobriety 
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
