ShaneW

9th day sober. 4:13am (21 days dealing with insomnia).


I want to have patience. I try to have patience. But its hard. Underneath, Ive been wanting to get sober for years (Im 33, have drank since 19). I guess my frustration comes in that the desire to Get Sober-Get Healthy has been simmering inside me for years, and now I want to crank the burner up to High Heat.

I am doing what I can. Eating much better, exercising daily, being open & honest where the old me wouldve been closed off. I guess Im just frustrated because Im feeling a freedom I havent felt in years, after taking on my demons head on, and certain factors are keeping me running in place.

Im eager to address why I was driven to drink. Depression runs in my family, as does Alcoholism, and now that I am commited to remain sober, I want to take steps to address BOTH. Whether it be dealing with doctors or loved ones who believe that all I need is "to not drink for awhile and lose some weight". I just feel like Im running in place somewhat. Frustration.

I know a suggestion will be to find a meeting. And I still want to/will. Maybe tomorrow. Thanks for listening to my insomniac ramblings...

Love, Shane

instant

I drank because it was fun and it went from there to be a way of life. Alcohol is addictive, they can get lab rats addicted to the stuff. Alcohol also brought me misery and in the end suicidal thoughts.

Thankfully when I removed the poison I slowly began to change, but it took some time and I am still healing.

I hope things continue to improve for you.

fuzzy1

I didn't look for long into reasons why I drank. It was pretty obvious any reason is good for an alcoholic like me. The more interesting part is what to do about this condition.

BillyPilgrim

I wouldnt bother with why you drank, I would bother with why you are going to stop, that is more important.You cant undo the drinking you did, but you can undo the drinking you will do if you dont stop
AA works. I need support to stop, I guess you will too

ShaneW

Yeah, I mean I started drinking because it was fun and took me out of my shyness shell. Eventually, I would leave social situations where friends were drinking, so I could go get drunk by myself. I was self medicating anxiety/depression Ive had for years & years.

Thats what I want to seek help for. Absolutely 1st and foremost is staying sober. Right now that has not been much of a problem, changing all patterns has def helped. So Im eager to otherwise work to alleviate what I was self medicating with booze.

sugarbear1

The Lamb Center 3220 Old Lee Highway get there by 12:15 p.m. Beginner Step Meeting

5:30 p.m. George Mason University 4400 University Drive, Student Union Building room #3008

When you are ready, it will be there. You can overcome these issues by working the steps! I did.

Glad you are still sober. I'm rooting for you to continue on this sober path. You deserve it!

MentalLoop

Shane - totally get it. I know people get worried when we start thinking about why we drank because an inevitable downstream thought is "if I cure the reason, then I can drink again". I personally am of the camp that nothing good comes of liquor, but I really do need to start addressing those issues that got me drinking....because like Jack Nicholson said in As Good As It Gets - Go sell crazy somewhere else, I am all stocked up here. So far I have come up with fear and insecurity as my two primary drivers. Fear of others perceptions of me in everything I do.

Finmywayback

Shane,

It takes time to get to know yourself and the reasons you were driven to drink will be revealed to you in time. You may even find you will answer these questions differently as time progresses. You will have plenty of time to figure theses thing out as you stay sober.

I was anxious to move through my steps the first time I gained any sobriety to get them over with and get on with my life. My sponsor showed me the error of my ways by having me take my time. The more I got to know myself and the clearer thing became. I was less anxious to complete my steps. She slowed me down and taught me it was the quality of my sobriety that matters. It took me two years to complete the steps the first time. I chose to do them again couple years later because I had grown in the program and discovered more about myself that had not been revealed to me earlier.

I guess what I am trying to say is slow down. It will all come to you in time and you will likely perceive things differently as time progresses any way. Keep posting and hang in there we understand where you are coming from.

ShaneW

Thx for replies. And special thx to Sugarbear for the meeting suggests, I will get there.

Patience is something I am going to have to learn. I was so used to immediate gratification while drinking. Its like I was 99% Id. While already drunk, another 3 beers with my Chicken Pot Pie, of course I will!

I understand there is a reason that there is no such thing as a "recovered" alcoholic, only "recovering", because its a life long disease. At times I just get frustrated. Part of it may be Im still only avg about 5.5 hrs sleep a night. Tonight I added 7 minutes to my brisk walk..bye-bye frustration. haha. Now if only I could sleep normal. I fear Im now stuck on a awake all night, sleep day schedule. My new mattress arrives tomorrow, Im sure that will help

G'night SR...Im glad we found each other.