logicalparadox

I don't have any wiser words then have been offered, but I could not read that and not respond. I hope you were able to not drink, and I'm glad you were able to come here and get some of those feelings out to others, I wish I could give you a huge hug. Here's to a better day tomorrow. (Well it's midnight where i am so today. you know what i mean)
<3

Itchy

How are you today canguy? Sober? If so, how much sober time have you got? I do hope you are doing well. It gets much easier to be sober after six months, and after a year the only way you will fall is if you convince yourself you can drink normally again or control it. Life doesn't get better, we do. Life just goes on. We do too.

canguy

Hey Pangur, at least yr wife is coming home.....I've got no idea where mine is.
Itchy...I'm okay, yes did drink last night, but not, for at least really heavily.... its just whatever it takes to get thru the birthday / wife / marriage mess for the moment. Got an apptment with psych this afternoon.

NewBeginning010

Lot of great posts & response here for you Canguy, this one resonated with me so I will quote it for you. All of the best to you

Threshold

thanks for checking in canguy and letting us know how the day went. Glad you have that appt coming up. Reaching out the way you have here, and now in the medical field are real positive moves.

Jallen83

Canguy,
Thank you for sharing this.

canguy

Haven't been back here since Feb. I think I've drank every night and weekend since. My marriage is over, the divorce is proceeding. Typically for a male with the departure of the wife the social network goes as well.

Everyday I come home to an empty house. I know I have to stop drinking but at the same time its the only thing I have to to take the edge off what has happened for a few hours. Its seeking a few hours of oblivion from the daily torments of guilt, remorse, regret.

I'm looking for some advice....how do you give up the one panacea you have?

Dee74

Welcome back Canguy

do you really love it tho?
or are you scared of not having it there, and of having to move on?

D

sugarbear1

Find an AA meeting, those steps can save your life, too!

Please do something to stop your madness. I've been there, too. There IS a way out.

xa-speakers.org take a listen to a speaker under Alcoholics Anonymous.

Hope lives. You can change this, you have the power in you.

Love & hugs,

canguy

Dee....well it sure looks like I loved it more than my wife.

Sugarbear....the AA spirituality thing is utterly alien to me. Hence why I'm here.

sugarbear1

canguy, you'll be amazed at what that spirituality can do for you! Without it, I don't know if I would be typing to you right now, I might have been a bunch of ashes or 6 feet under ground....

If and when you are desperate enough to change, you will find what works for you, too!

Love & hugs,

Saliena

Just sending you a big giant hug. I have no words to offer that will help that have t ready been said. But this is a progressive illness and it sounds like alot had already happened. Get the help you need.. Do it for your son, but really do it for yourself..

canguy

My son was an IVF baby, stillborn at 38 weeks. My ex wife blames me, my drinking making IVF necessary and that perhaps he would have lived as a naturally conceived child. After we split up she told me that the only reason she had a child with me was because I was going to be dead soon anyway from alcohol and they'd be together and financially okay. The marriage breakup has, in many ways, been a kind of retaliation for the loss of our son. There's plenty to be guilty about and the alcohol is enmeshed in it all as cause, effect and temporary solution. I've tried untangling it all with a psych, which just didn't work. 'Cognitive therapy' encourages you to regard your feelings as passing ephermeral things. For me they're not. The therapist eventually withdrew, saying alcohol treatment not being her area. I've been on anti-depressents but don't feel they've done anything either. Actually I think they made it worse at least in the beginning....you sleep more so the hangovers aren't as bad. Just don't know where to turn now....

artsoul

I was afraid to give up drinking, too - most of us are. I saw it as the only thing I had to look forward to and couldn't imagine life without it. You hit the nail on the head here:
The more I drank, the more I needed relief from the negative thoughts, anxiety and depression that came from drinking. At the time, though, I couldn't see that I wasn't that person. It took getting sober to do that.

I know this is a really hard time for you, but I think you would find things are actually easier to deal with once you stop drinking. I'm sure it doesn't seem that way now, but that's how it turned out for me.

canguy

Okay....I'm kind of struggling to get myself to the starting gate here....Feeling like a bag of s***t this morning, as usual. Trying to decide if I need a Dr....been reading a lot here. It all rings so true....It'd be so easy to sign up and it'd be so easy to go home tonite and drink, feel better for a few hours before the nightmare starts up again tomorrow. I've got to the stage where I hate waking up, you know that comfortable half asleep moment then that sudden awful realisation that its another day, the other side of the bed's empty.....

I sometimes wonder if the drinking is a way of expressing the wish that you simply don't want to wake up again ever.

sugarbear1

Keep posting here, canguy. You aren't alone any more. Many of us have gone down the path you are going. We can choose to change direction, though.

xa-speakers.org Take a listen.

Love,

auden67

I think drinking often keeps us from experiencing life fully, both it's hard moments and great. I too used to come home and drink alone, avoiding living, thinking or feeling much at all. Being sober is almost startling. I didn't know I could miss myself, but I did. Learning to love and get to know myself in real terms is a big part of my life.

The great thing is, I no longer have to fight dreading another day. Some days are great, some are ******. But they are mine. And you can have yours too. Don't worry about forever or answering all the questions. Just one bit at a time. Sometimes we are shown the way, but more often we just know what is not the right way, and let t become clearer over time.

Good luck, you can do this!

Illuminate

Canguy, if I can share something about what kind of influence a child can have with such a short time here...my middle name is named after a child who died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. But I carry that with me, thinking about what he would tell me if he were, say, on the other side of life, watching what I do through a window. If I ever thought about being a wimp about something, he'd be banging on that window saying "dude, you only live once! Look at me, I can't do any of this!" This perspective has honestly helped me a lot over the years.

I don't know if this story will help you at all; I guess I just want you to know that there is good reason to celebrate a life, even when it's as short as it is, and maybe that would give you a reason to look more favorably on things rather than turning to drinking. I am very sorry to hear about your circumstances, and I agree with the others here, be strong and stop beating yourself up...ultimately it's just not worth abusing yourself.

canguy

Illuminate,

I'd never thought of it in that way specifically. The only way I could make any sense of it was for my then wife and i to go on, overcome our problems and obstacles and create a long and good marriage in his honour. But that hasn't happened. My wedding band was always too big for my ring finger and I usually wore it on my middle. I had thought that perhaps once the divorce was done I'd have his name engraved on the inside and wear it again.

And of course attempting to get straight , if I could achieve that as a consequence of all of this, then that would make his flicker of a life mean something.

Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate it.