fountainhead

It's certainly been an enlightening few days.

While admitting to myself I have a "problem" has obviously been stressful and unsettling, it has also allowed me to realise stuff about myself that I had kept at bay since I was about 14 years old.

1. My life, although largely successful, has been punctuated by depressing binges on whatever my DOC happened to be at the time, and it's actually pretty scary how many desperate, hopeless hangovers and comedowns I have allowed myself to forget about over the years.

2. In my social group, I have somehow managed to be the most sensible while sober as well as the least sensible while intoxicated.

As an example, towards the end of my coke "phase" I never purchased or intended to do any coke, when all my mates were getting their orders in days before the night out. That didn't mean I wasn't the one clucking for more and making phone calls at the end of the night once I'd got started.

I think this actually bodes well for my recovery. At the same time I have to realise that I am not surrounded by people who are going to understand. I'm going to need to remain largely isolated until I am confident of success. These are people who have no intention of giving up their vices - the same people I ended up doing coke with on a Friday night even though I went out utterly determined not to.

3. I actually have more in common with people on here who are just a name and an avatar to me than mates I have had for years - we share a purpose.

4. I am extremely lucky to have an understanding wife, and also extremely lucky that I have nipped this in the bud while I still have work and money.


As you can probably tell, I am feeling pretty positive today - I'm happy to fill my time with Internet, video games, and the odd unhealthy snack and cigarette - things I don't intend to beat myself up about just yet.

Now if I could just temper my anxiety.....