I'm the new boy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 20
I'm the new boy
I’m new here. I don’t know if I’m an alcoholic and I’m not really a fan of labels, but right now, I have a problem with binge drinking.
I have identified in myself the well-documented pattern of not being able to stop once I’ve started, and I’ve managed to build up a pretty scary tolerance for alcohol.
I’m from the UK. The strange drinking culture there leads friends to describe my drinking abilities as things like “hardcore” and “legendary.” I don’t LIVE in the UK now – I live elsewhere in Europe where bars are open all night long and the spirits all come in large measures – not ideal for someone who cut his drinking teeth on the UK binging culture.
Anyway, for the sake of background, I will start at the beginning, so apologies in advance for the long post.
I’m 35 this year. My adventures with oblivion started early, at around 13. I had a tough childhood. Nothing truly horrific – bipolar father, mother who buried her head in work to avoid the bipolar father and had a tendency to forget about me as a result, some mild bullying, the usual stuff. At 13, the booze and weed I discovered seemed just what the doctor ordered.
I perhaps subconsciously knew that I immediately had a stronger relationship with substances than my friends did – I was often the drunkest, or the most stoned…and true to form I was the only person at my school to get caught, and got expelled as a result.
At 16 I went straight out to work. As soon as I entered the working world, I became a high achiever in everything I did – intelligence and a willingness to graft served me better at work than at school. My expulsion had (temporarily) scared me off drugs, but I kept drinking with a vengeance. I did some dumb ****. I largely managed to keep myself out of the police station and out of the bar-room brawls, but that was often more down to luck than judgement.
At 21 I moved to a big city and found the rave scene, and lots of ecstacy and coke to go with it. Apart from a 6 month blip where I pulled a lot of sickies, I invariably continued to achieve at work, get promoted, and hide the comedowns. Alcohol took a backseat and some nights out were mainly Es and water, with weed back at home. Until the comedowns arrived and brought the depression and anxiety with them, this was arguably the most sustainable time in my drug-taking career.
As anyone in the 90s/00s scene will know, the pills started to disappear and be replaced with coke, and with the coke, the booze came back too. I spent a good few years on the coke + champagne + cocktails circuit, with plenty of skunk back at home. As I became more and more jaded by the scene, I started to spend less time out, and more time stoned at home with my wife – one of those people who could smoke weed all day everyday without a sniff of psychological issues.
There began my next phase. Five years of smoking weed every day, with perhaps just one night out each month that involved one or all of coke, pills, booze and MDMA. This was my most high-functioning time, and I built up a very successful business. Even my tendency towards depression was fairly well managed (unless I ran out of weed).
When weed paranoia became pronounced I cut right back on it, but increased my wine consumption. Then, two years ago I moved abroad and stopped the weed overnight. One of the best things I could have done….but you can probably guess what happened next.
That’s right. Thinking of all my mates back home still doing coke, pills and weed made me think that I was doing incredibly well by ONLY drinking…..and not even drinking every day. After smoking weed for so long, the nights I went to bed having done nothing but smoke a few cigarettes felt like a huge achievement.
But then….well, I had a couple of nights out where I got so pissed that things got a bit chaotic. Nothing shocking – I’ve never been a “bad” drunk….but I found myself in situations where events caused me not to want to bump into certain people again in a hurry.
Over the last year, I have sometimes found myself up most of the night still drinking once everyone else has gone to bed – posting silly **** on Facebook and spending money on the online casino, and waking up with a certain level of blackout. The hangovers have got longer and more bothersome, especially in terms of anxiety. It’s time to stop.
I’m on day 3 of sobriety. I feel OK, but I know that it will get harder.
I’ve spent a good 10-12 hours lurking and reading posts. I think I have to face up to the fact I can’t drink at all any more – the invisible line having now been crossed, but my plan for recovery is more based around online support than AA, which I’m not sure is for me.
I’m no stranger to mental health issues. I have been diagnosed with depression but didn’t get on with SSRIs. In fact, for someone who’s done a fair bit of coke and MDMA, I am strangely averse to prescribed medication! I have had private counseling, which has helped me deal with stuff from my childhood (I actually had it when I decided I needed to kick weed) but I do still have issues I need to address – bad hypochondria and periods of anxiety and panic, some mild OCD, all backed up with a serious fear of visiting the doctor that I’m not quite ready to address yet!
So, all in all, I’m a bit of a muddle. But, I’m one of those people with whom you would probably have no idea if you met me. I’m largely positive, don’t have any major work or financial concerns and have a good, loving marriage. So where do I go from here?!
Thank you to anyone who read all that!
I have identified in myself the well-documented pattern of not being able to stop once I’ve started, and I’ve managed to build up a pretty scary tolerance for alcohol.
I’m from the UK. The strange drinking culture there leads friends to describe my drinking abilities as things like “hardcore” and “legendary.” I don’t LIVE in the UK now – I live elsewhere in Europe where bars are open all night long and the spirits all come in large measures – not ideal for someone who cut his drinking teeth on the UK binging culture.
Anyway, for the sake of background, I will start at the beginning, so apologies in advance for the long post.
I’m 35 this year. My adventures with oblivion started early, at around 13. I had a tough childhood. Nothing truly horrific – bipolar father, mother who buried her head in work to avoid the bipolar father and had a tendency to forget about me as a result, some mild bullying, the usual stuff. At 13, the booze and weed I discovered seemed just what the doctor ordered.
I perhaps subconsciously knew that I immediately had a stronger relationship with substances than my friends did – I was often the drunkest, or the most stoned…and true to form I was the only person at my school to get caught, and got expelled as a result.
At 16 I went straight out to work. As soon as I entered the working world, I became a high achiever in everything I did – intelligence and a willingness to graft served me better at work than at school. My expulsion had (temporarily) scared me off drugs, but I kept drinking with a vengeance. I did some dumb ****. I largely managed to keep myself out of the police station and out of the bar-room brawls, but that was often more down to luck than judgement.
At 21 I moved to a big city and found the rave scene, and lots of ecstacy and coke to go with it. Apart from a 6 month blip where I pulled a lot of sickies, I invariably continued to achieve at work, get promoted, and hide the comedowns. Alcohol took a backseat and some nights out were mainly Es and water, with weed back at home. Until the comedowns arrived and brought the depression and anxiety with them, this was arguably the most sustainable time in my drug-taking career.
As anyone in the 90s/00s scene will know, the pills started to disappear and be replaced with coke, and with the coke, the booze came back too. I spent a good few years on the coke + champagne + cocktails circuit, with plenty of skunk back at home. As I became more and more jaded by the scene, I started to spend less time out, and more time stoned at home with my wife – one of those people who could smoke weed all day everyday without a sniff of psychological issues.
There began my next phase. Five years of smoking weed every day, with perhaps just one night out each month that involved one or all of coke, pills, booze and MDMA. This was my most high-functioning time, and I built up a very successful business. Even my tendency towards depression was fairly well managed (unless I ran out of weed).
When weed paranoia became pronounced I cut right back on it, but increased my wine consumption. Then, two years ago I moved abroad and stopped the weed overnight. One of the best things I could have done….but you can probably guess what happened next.
That’s right. Thinking of all my mates back home still doing coke, pills and weed made me think that I was doing incredibly well by ONLY drinking…..and not even drinking every day. After smoking weed for so long, the nights I went to bed having done nothing but smoke a few cigarettes felt like a huge achievement.
But then….well, I had a couple of nights out where I got so pissed that things got a bit chaotic. Nothing shocking – I’ve never been a “bad” drunk….but I found myself in situations where events caused me not to want to bump into certain people again in a hurry.
Over the last year, I have sometimes found myself up most of the night still drinking once everyone else has gone to bed – posting silly **** on Facebook and spending money on the online casino, and waking up with a certain level of blackout. The hangovers have got longer and more bothersome, especially in terms of anxiety. It’s time to stop.
I’m on day 3 of sobriety. I feel OK, but I know that it will get harder.
I’ve spent a good 10-12 hours lurking and reading posts. I think I have to face up to the fact I can’t drink at all any more – the invisible line having now been crossed, but my plan for recovery is more based around online support than AA, which I’m not sure is for me.
I’m no stranger to mental health issues. I have been diagnosed with depression but didn’t get on with SSRIs. In fact, for someone who’s done a fair bit of coke and MDMA, I am strangely averse to prescribed medication! I have had private counseling, which has helped me deal with stuff from my childhood (I actually had it when I decided I needed to kick weed) but I do still have issues I need to address – bad hypochondria and periods of anxiety and panic, some mild OCD, all backed up with a serious fear of visiting the doctor that I’m not quite ready to address yet!
So, all in all, I’m a bit of a muddle. But, I’m one of those people with whom you would probably have no idea if you met me. I’m largely positive, don’t have any major work or financial concerns and have a good, loving marriage. So where do I go from here?!
Thank you to anyone who read all that!
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
to SR.You are in the right place for online support.
Plenty of activity from plenty of caring people that are trying to do and succeeding in reaching the same thing as you do.
It works for me.
Stick around
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Sober State
Posts: 1,126
You made the first step admitting you have a problem & want to fix it. That's phenomenal.
Ditto what Fubar said.
You will find many people like yourself here. And it's great to not feel so alone in this.
You can quit & change things. Give yourself & wife a happier future.
I do not attend AA but believe in the 12 steps as an aide. When I decided to get sober, I made up my mind to be open to everything, & do whatever it takes to stay that way.
Good luck in the path you choose.
Ditto what Fubar said.
You will find many people like yourself here. And it's great to not feel so alone in this.
You can quit & change things. Give yourself & wife a happier future.
I do not attend AA but believe in the 12 steps as an aide. When I decided to get sober, I made up my mind to be open to everything, & do whatever it takes to stay that way.
Good luck in the path you choose.
So it goes
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,620
You are in the right place . You have realised you have a problem. Stick around and join the community . You can only get better. The realisation you can not have another drink is emancipating once you embrace it . No more days succumbing to drink and drowning in it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 20
Thank you all for the welcome. It's been a bit of a tough day today. I don't fancy a drink at all - in fact I've never craved for booze in that sense (I WAS like that with weed though, oh Lord yes!) I'm just listless, anxious, clumsy and a tad depressed. I was just doing some baking that went wrong and it felt like the end of the world.
I think a lot of it is thinking of a future without any kind of crutch at all - when I smoked weed I often didn't drink for weeks on end and it didn't bother me....likewise I haven't had any weed around for over 2 years....but there was always a full fridge and winerack...having neither somehow seems scary and disorientating, even though I don't actually WANT either right now....does that make any sense at all?!
I think a lot of it is thinking of a future without any kind of crutch at all - when I smoked weed I often didn't drink for weeks on end and it didn't bother me....likewise I haven't had any weed around for over 2 years....but there was always a full fridge and winerack...having neither somehow seems scary and disorientating, even though I don't actually WANT either right now....does that make any sense at all?!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((fountainhead))) - Welcome to SR! I think it makes total sense, as most of us cannot envision "never drinking/using again". My DOC (drug of choice) was crack, but I held onto that "maybe I can use occasionally, later" thought for a while.
I gave myself 6 months to throw myself into recovery, living life without using and if I was miserable, well, there's crack everywhere. It didn't take 6 months, though there were still occasional thoughts, I had been away from it just long enough to realize I could keep doing that.
I also had to remember I could make a choice every day, I didn't really need to think about "never" or "forever".
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I gave myself 6 months to throw myself into recovery, living life without using and if I was miserable, well, there's crack everywhere. It didn't take 6 months, though there were still occasional thoughts, I had been away from it just long enough to realize I could keep doing that.
I also had to remember I could make a choice every day, I didn't really need to think about "never" or "forever".
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
Posts: 1,385
Fountainhead,
It makes perfect sense that you think about the future without a crutch. Please just take it one day at a time. I tend to get ahead of myself too and it is not conducive to my recovery. You are far stronger than you think. It also gets easier as the days go by. Keep strong and harnass that desire to live drink free.
It makes perfect sense that you think about the future without a crutch. Please just take it one day at a time. I tend to get ahead of myself too and it is not conducive to my recovery. You are far stronger than you think. It also gets easier as the days go by. Keep strong and harnass that desire to live drink free.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
Welcome! Glad you are here! This site is full of amazing people...I hope you keep posting and reading! 
I think it's normal to be scared about having no crutch. I always felt WAY too vulnerable with nothing to fall back on. I had to feel every feeling and find a way to deal with it. It's not easy! In a lot of ways I've had to get to know myself again-- the sober version. Takes time, but it's worth it! Best of luck!
I think it's normal to be scared about having no crutch. I always felt WAY too vulnerable with nothing to fall back on. I had to feel every feeling and find a way to deal with it. It's not easy! In a lot of ways I've had to get to know myself again-- the sober version. Takes time, but it's worth it! Best of luck!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome fountainhead. How I wish I'd faced my drinking problems in my 30's. I didn't know then that alcoholism is a progressive disease. I never understood what that meant - but in my 50's I found out.
I had enjoyed it as a way to feel less shy & self-conscious. I ended up not being able to make a move without it. I tried for years to cut down how much I drank, but I always failed. You've managed to keep a lid on things for now - but you are wise to see where this is leading. We're glad to have you with us - keep reading & posting. We're here to help.
I had enjoyed it as a way to feel less shy & self-conscious. I ended up not being able to make a move without it. I tried for years to cut down how much I drank, but I always failed. You've managed to keep a lid on things for now - but you are wise to see where this is leading. We're glad to have you with us - keep reading & posting. We're here to help.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Welcome! Lot of good people here. We seem to put the fun in dysfunction and do a pretty good job of learning from each other. Curious... Did you get your screen name from Ayn Rand?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi and welcome Fountainhead,
believe me you have made the right decision to pack it in.
it may not be easy at the beginning, I would read about PAWS and the symptoms to help you understand what is happening to you and what to expect.
I am only 8 months sober and the thought of a drink is alien to me now.
All the best.
CaiHong
believe me you have made the right decision to pack it in.
it may not be easy at the beginning, I would read about PAWS and the symptoms to help you understand what is happening to you and what to expect.
I am only 8 months sober and the thought of a drink is alien to me now.
All the best.
CaiHong
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 20
Did you get your screen name from Ayn Rand?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Hyper-emotional State
Posts: 23
Fountainhead,
As promised, here I am. I enjoyed reading your post. Your story is so much like mine, except I happen to be a nurse whose last place of employment (one of the top hospitals in the U.S.) - allowed steady access to a powerful narcotic - fentanyl.
My first thought while reading your post was - he's from the UK? I'm so jealous. I feel the UK is a musical mecca at the moment. And I always want to be where the music is.
I am also a descendant of the 90s rave scene. I was in Chicago for parties nearly every weekend back then and sometimes during the week. I still love the music.
I also had periods of heavy ecstasy and coke use. The ecstasy is what worries me the most about long term effects on mental health.
I've been on antidepressants for the last 3 years. I wish I wasn't. Right now I take Effexor and it has such a short half life that if I am even 5 hours late taking my daily dose I most likely will have a meltdown at some point in the following 2 days. I hate feeling so dependent on it and the anxiety that goes along with that.
How is your depression now that you are sober? I was an emotional wreck when I first got clean. It was terrible. I'm still a basketcase to be honest. I think it's good that you were seeing a therapist. In treatment they called people like us dual-diagnosis meaning addict/alcoholic & mental disorder. Remember that not properly treating one can lead to a relapse in the other & vice-versa.
And as much as I hate taking a pill everyday, it is a small price to pay for happiness. And right now (I'm 4 mos sober, back to living with my parents, filing for bankruptcy, nursing a brokenheart, unemployed, should I go on?) is not a good time for me to try weaning off.
Are you considering any other treatment options for recovery? AA? Rehab? Etc? I did a month of in-patient followed by 2 and half months of AA and outpatient therapy. It was tremendously helpful.
Best wishes to you on this journey. Nice to meet you.
As promised, here I am. I enjoyed reading your post. Your story is so much like mine, except I happen to be a nurse whose last place of employment (one of the top hospitals in the U.S.) - allowed steady access to a powerful narcotic - fentanyl.
My first thought while reading your post was - he's from the UK? I'm so jealous. I feel the UK is a musical mecca at the moment. And I always want to be where the music is.
I am also a descendant of the 90s rave scene. I was in Chicago for parties nearly every weekend back then and sometimes during the week. I still love the music.
I also had periods of heavy ecstasy and coke use. The ecstasy is what worries me the most about long term effects on mental health.
I've been on antidepressants for the last 3 years. I wish I wasn't. Right now I take Effexor and it has such a short half life that if I am even 5 hours late taking my daily dose I most likely will have a meltdown at some point in the following 2 days. I hate feeling so dependent on it and the anxiety that goes along with that.
How is your depression now that you are sober? I was an emotional wreck when I first got clean. It was terrible. I'm still a basketcase to be honest. I think it's good that you were seeing a therapist. In treatment they called people like us dual-diagnosis meaning addict/alcoholic & mental disorder. Remember that not properly treating one can lead to a relapse in the other & vice-versa.
And as much as I hate taking a pill everyday, it is a small price to pay for happiness. And right now (I'm 4 mos sober, back to living with my parents, filing for bankruptcy, nursing a brokenheart, unemployed, should I go on?) is not a good time for me to try weaning off.
Are you considering any other treatment options for recovery? AA? Rehab? Etc? I did a month of in-patient followed by 2 and half months of AA and outpatient therapy. It was tremendously helpful.
Best wishes to you on this journey. Nice to meet you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 20
Hi Paintedblack,
My depression's Ok at the moment, my anxiety is more problematic as it is restricting me doing things....e.g. too many supermarket panic attacks have led me to avoid going shopping, so I am only really leaving the house right now when I have to. Today will be a test as I have to fly to a different country for work, but I've woken up pretty positive.
I lasted 3 days on Effexor - 3 days of feeling emotional and tearful followed by a big allergic reaction - I'm not an SSRI fan at all!
Right now I'm not planning to do much beyond taking good care of myself, avoiding trigger situations, hanging out here and absorbing myself in my large selection of self-help books - I am very lucky to have an understanding and supportive wife who gives me support and space at the same time. My main problems right now are boredom and disorientation - living to get through each day rather than looking forward to things - the days I have planned to see friends etc. seem like challenges I have to get through rather than fun things.
Good luck with your journey
My depression's Ok at the moment, my anxiety is more problematic as it is restricting me doing things....e.g. too many supermarket panic attacks have led me to avoid going shopping, so I am only really leaving the house right now when I have to. Today will be a test as I have to fly to a different country for work, but I've woken up pretty positive.
I lasted 3 days on Effexor - 3 days of feeling emotional and tearful followed by a big allergic reaction - I'm not an SSRI fan at all!
Right now I'm not planning to do much beyond taking good care of myself, avoiding trigger situations, hanging out here and absorbing myself in my large selection of self-help books - I am very lucky to have an understanding and supportive wife who gives me support and space at the same time. My main problems right now are boredom and disorientation - living to get through each day rather than looking forward to things - the days I have planned to see friends etc. seem like challenges I have to get through rather than fun things.
Good luck with your journey
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Hyper-emotional State
Posts: 23
I can relate to that. I am supposed to go to the neighbor's house for a superbowl party tonight. I'm not worried about the temptation to drink bc I've been through that challenge a few times already and did fine. But I am feeling a bit anxious about just socializing. I don't know these neighbors very well having just moved out here to live with my parents, and even though my parents are going along as well, I'm just nervous about it. In the past I would have just popped a pill or had a lot of drinks to rid myself of that feeling. Sometimes I am fine in social settings sober and other times my anxiety gets the best of me.
And yes, you are definitely lucky to have your wife who sounds like a great support.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years about 2 months ago and I still long for someone to just hold me and tell me everything will be ok. I just told my mom that I was feeling down in the dumps today and she responded with, "I wish there was something I could do to help but I just don't think there is." I don't really know what I expect her to do anyway.
I apologize, I tend to ramble on here.
It sounds like your plan is a good one. Just be careful not to isolate yourself too much. In my case, isolation is part of what got me into trouble in the first place.
Take Care
And yes, you are definitely lucky to have your wife who sounds like a great support.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years about 2 months ago and I still long for someone to just hold me and tell me everything will be ok. I just told my mom that I was feeling down in the dumps today and she responded with, "I wish there was something I could do to help but I just don't think there is." I don't really know what I expect her to do anyway.
I apologize, I tend to ramble on here.
It sounds like your plan is a good one. Just be careful not to isolate yourself too much. In my case, isolation is part of what got me into trouble in the first place.
Take Care
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: san francisco
Posts: 67
Painted black,
Be really careful when you decide to get off effexor!
I had the WORST physical withdrawals from it. Even after tapering to 10mg all the while feeling like poop salad, it still took another month to feel like I wasn't going to faint from walking across the room
Be really careful when you decide to get off effexor!
I had the WORST physical withdrawals from it. Even after tapering to 10mg all the while feeling like poop salad, it still took another month to feel like I wasn't going to faint from walking across the room
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