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Coping Skills

Old 02-02-2012, 07:53 PM
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Coping Skills

I feel stupid even asking this question... but what are non-addict coping skills? I feel like my reaction to stressful events is either a) drink, or b) sit and feel like I'm jumping out of my skin and want to scream and cry for days, literally not sure how I will get through it. This doesn't seem normal. How do most people deal with life?
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Old 02-02-2012, 07:56 PM
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I will have to read these answers too.
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Old 02-02-2012, 07:59 PM
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I think it takes a little time to adjust, cracked.
I drank or drugged for all my adult life.

I was pretty much like a 40 yo teenager.

That being said, I was capable of picking things up pretty fast - I think the biggest thing I learned was it was ok to feel - whether it was uncomfortable or not. I faced things sober and I got through them sober.

Each time I did that the next time got a little easier.

And remember you're not alone here

D
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Old 02-02-2012, 08:15 PM
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We have to find our own way to do this. Babies and children learn how to comfort themselves, but we drinkers forget how to do it after a while. I know I did, my first and only recourse was the bottle, and I even let it push out some of my other tools so that booze could take their place.

It's taken me a few months to start to fill my time with things I used to enjoy so much, and this has helped to reduce the number of things that need special coping attention. For those, I try to take a distant view, to see if I can get some perspective on the situation. I also try to see if my assumptions that led me to react the way I did are true, and they usually are not. If you want to know what I am explaining poorly, look at Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
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Old 02-02-2012, 08:24 PM
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Right now I just freak out. And call my sponsor. And pray. And then freak out some more.

So I would love to read some answers.
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:11 AM
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A coping skill is a behavioral tool which may be used by individuals to offset or overcome adversity, disadvantage, or disability without correcting or eliminating the underlying condition.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coping_skills
Or, in recovery speak, "life on life's terms."

A universal truth in being human is that we can't control what we think.

Since we can't change what we think then we must affect how we think. Abusing drugs and alcohol is very good at changing the intensity of those pesky uncomfortable thoughts -often dulling them to the point we're not worried or scared anymore. In my opinion this is also what makes it so easy to do such depraved things the night before only to wake up with thoughts of fear, shame, and remorse the next morning. Additionally, I think this is why so many alcoholics are so controlling - when something disagrees with us we must change it to make it fit us immediately.

Now that we've removed drugs and alcohol from the thinking equation these wild thoughts run rampant, completely unbridled and free.

In the definition above it says:
"...without correcting or eliminating the underlying condition."

Here is where we need to learn to be masters of our own destiny without having to control the universe.

In my opinion, developing good coping skills is deliberately working to respond appropriately to those thoughts and feelings that arise due to a random memory or outside influence.

We already use coping skills many thousands of times a day and barely notice. A long line at the grocery checkout, for example, - a quick scan of the other registers and decide to move or stay and mentally move on.

I was frequently paralyzed by fear. I would play any upcoming situation out in my head with the worst possible conclusion as the outcome and the affects were universal (in my mind). This takes a lot of work and is downright exhausting!

As my mental clarity has come back I am more able to look directly at those things that scare me and disect them into a small piece of a much larger picture.

My biggest fear was always losing my job - since that already happened a few times.

My dysfunctional mind was always worried about getting fired. It meant my family would starve, my family would leave me and I would walk into a giant black hole as I suddenly ceased to exist. ~really, that's what I saw in my mind!

The dialogue in my healthier, realistic "coping mind" looks at this prospect with a degree of challenge. There will be changes, for sure, but with everything I've learned and the people I met there will likely be a job that will fit who I am now better anyway. My wife will be unhappy, probably a bit angry with me, but I can't change that anyway. I define my importance, that company doesn't. Heck, they barely took the time to get to know me!


That's my diatribe on it anyway. I could go on but I'm tired and will spare you all any more randomness.
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Old 02-03-2012, 03:42 AM
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Originally Posted by cracked View Post
I feel stupid even asking this question... but what are non-addict coping skills?
This is an excellent question, cracked. Many, many recoveries are fundamentally ill-equipped to cope with the everyday stresses of life. I suppose it's academic whether this deficiency pre-dates alcoholism or is the direct results of years/decades spent primarily in pursuit of drunk oblivion.

"Working" on sobriety is a somewhat nebulous term that means different things to different people. For an alcoholic like myself, a major component of this work has been to develop healthy, mature coping skills.

Having said that, I should note that early sobriety is itself a an emotional time for many. Good God, I was weepy for the first few weeks...mostly in a good way, but nonetheless weepy and emotionally raw.
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Old 02-03-2012, 04:42 AM
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Hi cracked. I'm sober about 10 months. My old method of coping with anything revolved around grabbing the bottle. I remember when I first got sober (& even very occassionaly now) life would go haywire & I would immediately want to drink. Every time. So I would have to say my first coping method would have to be the ability to tell myself right at that first moment "Stop". Just stop my brain. I don't have to know the why's or how's or any reasons for alcoholism.

Next, visualize. Visualize all the drunken wreckage that was my life. Do I want to temporarily "fix" my stress by drinking? NO. Get myself through the craving & stress. Think. It's ok to feel good or bad. These feelings do not need to be fixed or enhanced by booze.

So those were really my first 2 tiny baby steps to start getting sober. That coupled with my admission that my life was truly unmanageable due to my drinking.

Then I added in things like reading on here. Lots of walking. Yoga. Having a clean, organized well running home. Allowing life to be what it is & realizing I am only in charge of me. Adding in gratitude. Truly feeling grateful for my very life & feeling it is my responsiblity to myself & that universe to live a good, sober, authentic life.

So those are some of my ongoing coping methods. Best wishes to you That is a good question.
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Old 02-03-2012, 04:54 AM
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Originally Posted by cracked View Post
I feel stupid even asking this question... but what are non-addict coping skills? I feel like my reaction to stressful events is either a) drink, or b) sit and feel like I'm jumping out of my skin and want to scream and cry for days, literally not sure how I will get through it. This doesn't seem normal. How do most people deal with life?
As you can tell from the responses, your question is not stupid - actually the opposite - quite profound. We are all on a journey to find a different way of living and that involves new ways of coping.
I still struggle myself, but I will share a couple things that help me. 1. avoiding too much negativity 2. acupuncture 3. massage 4. mindless, non violent or disturbing TV 5. bookstores 6. gratitude

Best wishes and let us know what you find for yourself.
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Old 02-03-2012, 05:06 AM
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Great question, cracked. I'll be at 6 months this weekend, and learned this week that I don't have the coping skills I thought I did.

I'm in sales, and there's a saying that a salesperson needs to "fake it til they make it". I've found myself doing this in recovery as well. Positive self-talk; eliminating the power of the alcoholic voice through sheer denial of its power in my life, and making myself get out into the public to get perspective. I tend to live in my head and isolate, and just going out to see that there are others in the world, and likely have heavy issues of their own, helps.

Dazee's ideas are great. I esp. like the book store. I've buried myself in recovery literature, and made a study of this condition of addiction we share. For me, that takes some of the mystery out of it, and helps me prepare for what to expect.

Bottom line, though, is learning to love yourself again. In order to "love your neighbor as yourself" you must love yourself first. That is a tenet that has too often escaped me, and I don't believe I'm alone among alcoholics in that way.

AA or NA meetings provide almost all of the above. If you attend, do so at your own pace and level of comfort. You want recovery to open your mind and heart, not shut it tight by ideas that rub you wrong.

Again, great question. Thanks.
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Old 02-03-2012, 05:08 AM
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I have never been one to drink to run away from problems. I know that will only compound them.
If I am in a stressful situation I will clarify the problem, make a list of possible solutions, and then determine the best course of action and execute that course of action.
After that I hope it is the best course of action but if not I repeat the exercise and modify the course I am committed to follow.
After everything turns out great though I tend to reward myself with a trip to the bar.
That is MY drinking problem.
Hope the analytical method of coping is of some help to you.
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Old 02-03-2012, 06:24 AM
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I understand coping skill to be something other than pacifying myself so I don't react harmfully to a feeling. That, to me, is a coping mechanism.

A skill is something I can use in the real world. I avoided any confrontation like the plague when I was using. just refused to deal

Coping skills are the things I use to deal with the world rather than run from it. So, to me a coping skill is paying my bills, remembering a birthday of a friend, going to the dr when I am ill and for my checkups. Those things address real life, and thus reduce the number of "freak outs" due to NOT addressing life.

The greatest coping skill I have learned it to accept reality, and act accordingly.
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Old 02-03-2012, 06:24 AM
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i call my sponsor, call friends, go to a meeting, pray, meditate, exercise, pause and breathe...

REBT is a simple technique that has really helped me as well. What is Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT)? - REBT Network: Albert Ellis | Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy
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Old 02-03-2012, 03:37 PM
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"Self-disciplined begins with the mastery of your thoughts. If you don't control what you think, you can't control what you do. Simply, self-discipline enables you to think first and act afterward."Napolean Hill
CBT helps me control what I think by changing my reaction to life as it comes. At one time my mind was more an enemy that a friend. My thought were more on the negativity side then. Today I tend to see things in a more positive light even when things go wrong.
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Old 02-03-2012, 06:12 PM
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a great topic! thanks.

Yes, i too was a 40 something "teenager" when i got sober. And coping skills did not come in one whole piece in one fellswoop. Mostly they came thru TIME- the time spent doing the steps so that i be exposed to the HOW of the program - Honesty Open mindedness and Willingness.

The Surrender so that i no longer had to do the insanity and could finally access a power outside myself to give me the help i wanted/needed.

And then to get a grip on all those blockages [character defects, if you will] that hitherto had been the stumbling blocks in my interpersonal relationships.

So i got some humility and got some help in relating to others and then i got a method to repeat those skills on a daily basis and .... sure nuff.... it worked.

I am a muscle memory kind of guy- can't think my way to a new way of acting but i sure can act my way to a new way of thinking
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Old 02-03-2012, 06:12 PM
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Thanks everyone, you've all made me feel a lot less alone in this. I'm going to come back and read these responses often.
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