joe1234

I met a wonderful woman 5 months ago. We had an immediate connection, fell in love, and we are now engaged. When we first met, we both drank a lot - something I chalked up to the relationship being exciting and new. She began to turn into an abusive verbal monster when she drank. I then discovered she was drinking during the day when I was at work - I came home one day and she was so out of it I had to take her to detox. The truth came out she was a relapsed alcoholic. I told her I would stand by her through her recovery, she stopped drinking (or so she led me to believe) and she got into an outpatient program. She missed the second and third meetings and was thrown out last week. She promised me she would never drink again and would start attending meetings and find another program. Before that could happen, my Dad died suddenly in NY. I am here with her now - and came home from donating some of my Dad's property - to find her drinking again. My Mom knows something is wrong, my brother is a major support to me....but I truly am lost as to what to do. She has struggled with addiction for years - after today, everything has come into focus for me as to the extent of the problem. I am lost - I have read a lot of articles on addiction and it would appear this relationship is doomed. 5 months - I love the sober woman - but don't know whether to cut my losses now. She does not work (I wanted her to concentrate on her outpatient program), I have been supporting her, and asking her to leave seems like I am throwing her to the wolves. The relationship has been a struggle due to her drinking, some of the stories she has told me about her past both scare me and sicken me and I don't know if I can continue on this path with her and stay mentally healthy myself. She has already lived in at least two sober houses that I know of, has bounced from relationship to relationship, and has had court ordered treatment due to a DUI a year ago. It seems like I am answering my own question. This is probably a classic story, but I need some support and advice. I can’t even imagine asking her to leave – where would I expect her to go? I am trying to handle the loss of my Dad and what I see as the loss of the sober woman I love at the same time.

doggonecarl

Brother, I feel for you. You have to look after you. Your girlfriends recovery, which you have been supportive of, is her responsibility. Any advice I'd give would probably be heartless, so please, please, visit the friends and family of alcoholics forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

As I see posted there a lot, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't change it.

Good luck.

artsoul

Welcome Joe!

Wow - you're going through a lot...... I'm sorry to hear about your father passing.

With regards to your fiance, it's good that you're not turning a blind eye to this.
To be honest, it sounds like she doesn't have a very good track record.... It's heartbreaking to think about breaking off the relationship, I'm sure, but a practicing alcoholic is not going to be good relationship material. At least consider what is best for you at this point.....

Also, check out our section on Family/Friends of Alcoholics.

desertsong

Joe ... wow. You are going through so much. My heart really goes out to you. I will keep you in my prayers.

I think you've already answered your own question. Ending any relationship is just plain awful, but I think, from the sound of it, that you might be in for worse pain if you continue with it. You need to take care of you, and the last thing you need is to be in a co-dependent relationship when you are trying to stay sober yourself. Sounds to me like the thing that drew you together in the first place was alcohol, and now that it is out of your life, you really don't need to be sucked into someone else's addiction. I know that probably sounds harsh and cold, but this is coming from a woman who is married to an active alcoholic and is trying to stay sober herself. Been married to him almost 20 years and known each other for 33 years ... he has always had issues with alcohol but they are getting worse and have really escalated since I got sober. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love continue to abuse and be in that downward spiral, but the only way you can save yourself is to detach, as cold as that sounds.

If she gets into a program and commits herself to sobriety, then maybe you can reconsider things but at this point in your journey, I wouldn't risk your sobriety to be an enabler/babysitter to someone who is still actively drinking and not being honest with you about it. Please take care of yourself, my friend. I know how much it hurts, believe me.

NewBeginning010

Hi joe1234, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. My sincere condolences to you & your family. You will find a lot of support here.

Take Care ~ NB

quitforme79

Halfway thru your post I was going to say "I think you answered your own question" and then you wrote the same...it's tough but marriage is a serious thing. And I can tell you, she won't stay clean unless she really really really wants it. Not for you, not for a million dollars. What I am learning in my own recovery is that I have to protect myself mentally as nobody else will do it for me. I am so sorry to hear you are going thru this and wish you the best whatever decision you make.

joe1234

Thanks to everyone for the wise words, prayers, and caring. It is helping a lot. I just checked on her and the bedroom smells like a brewery - so sad.

Yes, Quitforme, I initially thought if she loved me and I provided her first stable/loving/caring envioronment - and she had the support from professionals - it would work out ok. What was I thinking???!!! Love doesn't save the day.

Dee74

I'm really sorry for your situation Joe - but I know you'll find a ton of support here
Do check out the link Carl posted too

D

desertsong

Sometimes love isn't enough. I can relate. Hugs to you.

quitforme79

Well you were thinking as most of us would...with love and hope. You deserve to be happy & your sanity and well being is first and foremost. I believe there's always something to be learned in situations like this. AND, you deserve someone who is going to be emotionally supportive of you right now especially with the loss of your father Stay strong and if you need us we're here

Hevyn

Joe, You sound like a wonderful & caring person. I was shaking my head the whole time I was reading your story, though. You have gone above & beyond to try to help her - especially considering she's someone relatively new in your life.

Speaking as an alcoholic, I can tell you that no amount of kindness or support would have helped me until I was ready to admit I couldn't touch the stuff ever again. It took years for me to finally 'get it', and many relapses. I can't say what finally did it, but I decided I wanted to live. It had to come from within me, though. No one could have convinced me, no matter how well meaning they were, or how much they tried to help.

I hope, too, that you'll check out our Friends & Families forum. We want to help, you are not alone.

joe1234

What would I do without this support! Question: what do I do/say in the morning? My instinct is not to get upset/hurt/angry (like I mistakedly did this evening) - just to be as forgiving and supportive as I can (or is that just as bad as saying "everything is ok")?

desertsong

I completely understand that fine line you are walking. How do I be supportive and encouraging of him/her while at the same time not encouraging him/her to continue to drink?

If this helps ... I have learned that if I condemn my husband's drinking, it only gets worse. If I ignore it, I feel like I'm enabling him to continue. The only thing that has felt "good" is to say "I am concerned about you and where your drinking is going to lead." You can't tell an alcoholic what to do ... it will only drive them further away and make them dig their heels in even deeper. Too much sympathy, by the same token, only enables them. I have found it helpful to just say "I hope you're okay ... I'm worried about you." Then let them decipher the rest. They already know what the truth is.

joe1234

Thanks - you understand exactly what I am feeling. Great advice and it will be the approach I will take. I'll sleep better tonight thanks to you.

Zebra1275

I just checked on her and the bedroom smells like a brewery - so sad.

It sounds very sad, especially if you love the sober person.

I don't have any experience in this type of situation, and I'm a romantic fool so I would probably give you naive advice. As someone else suggested maybe you can find some guidance in the Friends and Family section.

FaithButterfly

Hi Joe, It sounds like you know what you need to do. You do come across as a sincerely compassionate person, and this will most likely be very difficult. However, just a few things that came to mind that may help you look at the situation in a different perspective to hopefully lesson the pain for you... 1. remember you are going up against a cunning/ baffling disease here....so try to separate yourself emotionally. If she is not ready/capable of changing her life she will try to pull you down right with her...maniuplate, blame, etc. Dont fall for it. You love her i assume, yes? She may not see it for awhile, but this might be the best thing for her. You might be saving her life. Everyones "bottom" is different..hopefully she might open her eyes. The last thing i suggest you do is stay with her.....its not your job to "fix" her. ( co-dependency?) Take Care of yourself, stay strong. DO NOT engage in a argue/ crazy fight with her, if you are the sane one, then maintain that, even thru the rough parts. Remind her that you do care about her and wish her no harm, but that you have tolerated all you can handle. You must focus and take care of YOURSELF now....again she will prob freak out, which dont take personally because someone who truly loves you, WANTS to see you taking care of yourself. Hope i didn't blab too much, lol. wishing you the best of luck! .....and i'm so sorry for your loss.

Sometimes before i have to have a difficut conversation and i'm nervous, etc.. i say a quick prayer asking God to help guide my words once i open my mouth, and keep my heart in the place HE wants it to be.

faithbutterfly