whynot4856

I would have probably deleted the entire thread. There are plenty of people here who are happy for you and your soberiety, so share with those you get support from, not judgement.

I know Ive deleted tons of drunk passive aggressive FB posts...
That was also probably for the best.

stugotz

Why would you want to hide the fact that you are an alcoholic and now have thirty days sober? Just sayin...

Lost3000

Did you read all of my posts on this thread? If not, then please do because I feel that they would answer your question.

I'm not sure why you have the impression that I want to hide the fact that I'm an alcoholic.

I don't feel I am hiding it per se, but I also don't feel like shouting it out to the world. It's a very personal decision for me, and one I don't take lightly. I feel that many out there would use the knowledge for bad purposes.

I am also newly sober and therefore am quite vulnerable and sensitive. I'm not really apt prepared to defend a lot of negativity right now. Really, I'm just concentrating on finding a new life without alcohol.

Perhaps if I had at least a year under my belt, I'd be more established and not so sensitive to the topic.

You may not have thought of this, but there are many other factors in life that would prohibit a person from letting everyone around them know they are an alcoholic. My professional career is one very big factor at this moment, although I suspect that as the years go by it won't be a factor at all. Hope this makes sense.

Lost3000

Just a note, I have close friends and family on FB that aren't here and I was naively trying to share only with them. I do love the folks on here too.

stugotz

No offence meant at all. But from my experience, almost none of my associates, personal and business alike, DID NOT know I was an addict and a drunk. I certainly did a horrible job trying to hide the fact that I had a problem. That being said I embraced sobriety with nothing to hide.

Lost3000

You didn't offend me!

I certainly didn't mean to come across that way. I was just trying to explain while responding to your question.

I believe I've done a good job of hiding it from my professional life. I did most of my damage while at home on my couch. Thank god it barely began to seep into my work when I'd be late coming in or would call off. But they didn't get to see me act like an idiot when wasted. So telling them would not be the best idea - afterall, they really don't need to know anyway.

P.S. - I love your quotes!

Hanna

I don't think posting it on FB was necessarily a huge mistake. I can see many reasons that it could be a good thing - you experienced one positive outcome. I can imagine it being an excellent way of gaining support. and I'm quite tech savy and fairly knowledgeable when it comes to social media, usually urging others to use great caution with posting anything online.

The thing is, you've made a major change in your life and it's a permanent one. If someone doesn't want to hire you because you don't drink, then you don't want to work for them. If someone doesn't want to vote for you when you run for office because you made this amazing change in your life, then you don't need their vote. If someone on your list of friends isn't supportive, then you need to know that and be rid of them. I'm not suggesting that you shout it from the mountaintops, but I don't think your post was a dumb move at all. I do understand why you deleted it, but I just wanted to give my perspective to those that are saying this doesn't belong on FB.

I have at least one FB friend that is in recovery. On his birthday someone posted "Happy Birthday! I'd love to take you out for a drink to celebrate." He replied "Thanks so much, but I haven't had a drink in a year!" I think it was a good way of letting folks know that may have been unaware.

Sugah

My rule of thumb: If I'd rather not have the whole world know about it, I don't post it on Facebook. I'm AA, so I'm cautious about posting things about my recovery, not because I'm ashamed of it or trying to hide anything (I have nothing to hide), but because it could be a tradition violation. And though plenty of my Facebook friends engage in Facebook drama, I don't engage with them. Vague status updates that I have no intention of explaining are drama magnets.

Congrats on your 30 days. The whole thing, on both sides, seems a little childish to me (alcoholism stunts emotional maturity -- I know I had to grow up), but if you stick with this sobriety gig and make some good changes, you may be able to be a help to her if she ever decides she needs it.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

MentalLoop

Hey Lost - before saying anything more, i hope you truly are taking the back and forth as nothing more than discussion and not as an affront or disregard for your feelings. Truth is, it's late my time, and being able to discuss / debate is a good way to pass my time compared to passing out from wine. That said....

I suspect the difference in your view and mine, really does lie in your feeling as being relatively new to sobriety, and unsure of how to navigate the waters. To be honest, I'm just as new give or take, so in so far as that goes, we both are navigating unchartered waters. Hopefully 2 years from now, we both will look back and laugh.

Where i'm getting hung up is the belief that your family will somehow now look back on past transgressions, and only recognize them now since you admit your sobriety. Simply said: If they look back and reflect on a particular drunken episode, well that episode actually happened. All you did on Facebook is say I haven't had a drink in 30 days. While i don't really believe in posting anything on Facebook, my point from before is that everything you may have done in the past has actually happened - you aren't now exposing some big secret. Admitting you don't drink anymore doesn't make those prior happenings anymore dramatic or consequential. If nobody witnessed your drunkness (even for the most part), then what i have found in my case, is that the most people do is express surprise that I have decided to stop, because they didn't even know i had a problem. But in terms of gossip - it really is hard to say anything, because all they now know is that you don't drink because only "you" believed you had an issue.

I probably have a more deep rooted reason for facing the niece head on. Somehow your Husband's family (by the way I'm projecting my issues on you....) has some fancy cryptonite over you. There are plenty of reasons for this that apply to all of us, but suffice it to say, you seem to feel less than comfortable in some situations with them. I guess I feel like, if you throw the sobriety in their face, and think "I dare you to ask me why", and if they do, you simply say "Cause I drank too much, didn't like it and decided to stop", then you have stood up to their judgement, no? Aren't you saying at that point, I couldn't possibly care what you think because i put it all out there, and frankly, the only judgement i care about is mine and my husband's? If you [family] are supportive, awesome; otherwise, go screw?

Finally after all the misery we have been through with our alcoholism we don't really need more reasons to stay sober. But if we are honest, one very real additional reason: Can't fail and have that drink, or bratty little niece is bound to pounce and I won't give her that satisfaction........I know I know, we are only sober for ourselves, but the extra nudge doesn't hurt.

Respectfully and Sincerely,

ML

Lost3000

That's interesting about your friend on FB. I did have that come up recently, but it was in a private PM amongst friends. One wanted to go for drinks, and I just told them, oh I quit. And to my surprise, a friend of the group responded, well, how about dinner? That really touched me. And so now we are all going with our husbands to dinner. They can drink, I don't care, and I won't - and still get to see them! Nice.

As to my work, well, not to be dismissive, but I'm not going to argue that issue. Just because you don't know who I am, don't know where I work, etc. So it's hard to argue anyway. I happen to know of at least one recovering alcoholic, as I saw him at an AA mtg. And I know that it's not well known at work. And with work, I tend to keep my private life private.

Thanks for your thoughts on my post on FB. I guess it wasn't completely a mistake, but I think it was ultimately best to delete. Honestly my main issue is with my husband's family. Not my own, not my friends, just them! They are mean, vindictive, and gossipy. Not a nice group. And it's just three of them that I'm talking about.

Question - help her? In what manner? Or perhaps you were just saying in general. Thanks for the well wishes. I totally agree. Now that I've been away from alcohol a little bit, I have better clarity and do feel I emotionally stunted myself. I am sticking with this gig. I DO NOT want to go back!!!

How long have you been sober?

Hey, I'm not taking this as a personal affront or as disrespect at all! In fact, I feel that this is a lively discussion. I have had some great, thoughtful remarks on this thread, and I really appreciate it! It's given me some new perspective.

Oh yes! Most definitely this has to do with me having to navigate something entirely new - sobriety. How long have you been sober?

As with what I said earlier, the family issue (actually it's my DH's family, not mine - and just three of them as I mentioned earlier), is hard to argue as you don't know them and haven't been around them.

I'm not thinking they'll take my past transgressions and use them against me, it's not that. Once they receive a bit of juicy gossip, that is hurtful to someone, they use it to their advantage. They will push and push until they've extracted as much personal info as they can get. Then they will exploit that. Embarrass me in social situations, make snide comments, and continue with that for the entire duration of our relationship. I've been married long enough to have witnessed this in other situations. Think of this like the National Enquirer magazine. It's that bad.

And so I'd rather they don't know what's going on with me. It's none of their business. They will not help but will hurt if they can help it. I know that eventually it will be known. And I don't care if they know I'm not drinking, I just don't want them to know the entire background of it. The how, the why, the history. That's the private part that they would just love to know for mean purposes. Which is why I'm not giving them the pleasure.

Niece already knows I quit, and that's really all I wanted anyone to know. She just had to know more. Does this all make sense?

So yeah, now that she knows I quit, no way in hell am I giving her the satisfaction of seeing me fail.

MentalLoop

total sense. i missed the nuance.....it is not alcohlic vs sober that you care about, rather the circumstances that lead to your sobriety. that i totally get and have kept mine even private from my wife.

MentalLoop

oh and about 70 days give or take

Lost3000

Mental: I might not have been that clear about it. It's hard when typing! We are going to see her next week at her bday party. There is a dinner and I'm sure she'll be drinking. Now that the FB thing happened, I'm sure she'll notice I'm not drinking and I'm sure I'll be asked. I'm ok saying I don't drink. I am not ok when pushed into the why's, what happened? etc. crap.

That's where I felt it was going on FB and I really resent her for it. She's not that dumb, can't be. When someone says, hey, I'm 30 days sober, it seems kind of obvious to me that they quit for a reason and unless they are openly telling you about it, and give you vague answers when you ask why, it's probably best to let it lie.

Lost3000

Hey all, I have an update:

My niece's bday dinner is next week; I misspoke on my prior post. I did see her last week and all went well. No inquiry on her part.

She has since written on a blog about her wanting to quit drinking. I wonder if maybe that's why she was pushing on my post on FB? She's really a partier so it seems and she must think something's wrong with that or she wouldn't be writing about it on her blog.

I believe that someone on this thread mentioned that the reason she was pushing me on FB was because she has her own issues - well, I guess she does. Interesting to see if she drinks it up on her bday. I believe she will but I have been surprised before.

Healthyfood

Just explain that its 30 days till holiday

Lost3000

LOL, we are way beyond that! I'm on day 45 now.