DesperadoBlond

So, after a 5-6 year heavy drinking career, now I'm steadily sober.

Have almost 5 months, I think, with 3 smaller relapses, that just made me discover that alcohol doesn't do it for me anymore. Now, since 15 days I am all sober and don't have any plans or real desire to drink again.

Either way, I've always been prone to sadness and low self-esteem. Seeing things very black and white. Endlessly comparing myself to people who are more successful than I am. I know, "just stop doing that!", but my brain doesn't listen.

All week I have been feeling melancholic. Sometimes to the point where I fend off unbearable negative thoughts by answering back aloud.

Today I finally got to dealing with the new facebook update. I mostly have a profile on there for business purposes, keeping in touch with people. Before my profile was more of a personal thing. Either way, 5th of February Facebook is converting your profile in a way that will make ALL of your previous posts public. Today I sat and deleted posts from my past one by one.

Totally pathetic. Now I have a heap of bad memories haunting me again because of that. Getting robbed and posting a screwed up message about that. Tons of drunken messages. Highly emotional blurbs all over the place. The good news is they are now deleted.

How do you fend off persistent melancholy, as your quite newly sober self? I wish there was a surefire magic switch, like alcohol USED to be. Now there's just all these slowacting, light, longterm things I can do. Eat well, sleep well, meditate yada yada - it doesn't take the edge off.

MycoolFitz

Yea it's tuff, I still suffer but I did when I was drunk I just didn't know it. Actually diet and exercize has helped me but some daze are better than others. You take care

DesperadoBlond

Hi! thanks for responding!

Yeah, I think alcohol always suited my moods well because I tend to have a black and white, at times dramatic, way of thinking.

In the beginning alcohol would numb me comfortably. Obviously it all went to **** when I started acting out instead while drunk.

The downside of sobriety, for me, is that my brain craves something that is the caliber of 3 Big Macs with extra EVERYTHING + dessert, while all I am allowed to have is a meager salad.

Dee74

I found counselling helped me a lot in seeing things from new perspectives.
For me, service work (helping others) helped a lot too.

D

FindingJoy

The brain is tricky isn't it? Our egos play tricks on us trying to get to believe we are not good or less then...but our higher self knows that isn't true. Thus a battle between the ego and higher self begins. Very annoying.

At now that your sober you can do something about it versus putting a bandaid over it. Good for you!

DesperadoBlond

Thanks for the analysis on the subject! And thanks for putting such a positive spin on it. I actually feel a tad better.

Hevyn

Hi Desperado. I do know what you mean - you're not alone. I'm 4 yrs. sober & for at least the first year I was haunted by the past too. I've mostly outgrown that way of thinking, but still every now & then it'll flare up again.

It's so much better to be feeling these things, though - rather than numbing yourself & masking your emotions. Glad you brought this up - sometimes saying it 'out loud' takes the sting out of it.

DesperadoBlond

Thanks for the input Dee!

I have been seeing a couple of counselors, but the ones I can afford at the moment are not very good... I know from having tried.

You're right - giving and being generous makes me feel good. I occasionally do do some charity work. Perhaps I should do more. I've just been so busy making ends meet lately. Worrying about money takes so much energy.

DesperadoBlond

Hi! Thanks for responding! Always comforting to know that I'm not alone in any of this.

You're right. These days, when I get washed over by negative feelings, I TRY to sit back and just feel them. "Come on negativity, hit me with your best shot!" Usually avoiding it is worse than just acknowledging the feeling.

You're also right about that saying it out loud takes the sting out of it. In my native language there's a saying that goes: "The trolls (or ghosts) break in the sunlight." It's all very true, but parts of my brain are still in being-scared-mode.

sissy07

Welcome Desparadoblond!

I think I know exactly how you feel. I have almost six months and I often feel the same way. I have been way too much in my head this weekend, you know - overanalyzing and picking apart things - just too much.

So I have decided that I am going to start working in my garden next weekend (hopefully the weather will be pretty like it was today) and get going on some painting - I bought hot pink paint for the guest bathroom and light blue for my bedroom 13 months ago, and it is still in the paint cans in the garage.

I am starting to just expect mood swings. I think we are going to have them for awhile -I may always have them, I am just that way. I am going to try working on the above mentioned projects and start cooking fun things again and continue exercising with my dogs. Maybe getting involved in something would work for you as well - hopefully it will balance things out a little bit. Just remember that it always gets better as long as we are sober. Take care.

Hevyn

Hey, I like that saying Desperado....

Dee74

Volunteering did a lot for me, yeah

It made me feel good, for sure, but it did more than that I think.

It reconnected me with other people, it gave me a little bit of purpose and meaning, and it really challenged my idea that I was hopeless useless and not much good to anyone.

It really got me out of my own head, and I really needed that.
It made it easier to see my perspective was not the only one

I really recommend it again for you if you can clear the decks a little

D

DesperadoBlond

Hi you! Thanks for the warm welcome! I appreciate it!

I agree with you. Keeping busy is good. Getting things done gives you a sense of satisfaction once the work is done with.

I too am in my head too much. That is one of my major problems. My head won't shut up. And when it does shut up, I have a lingering bad feeling for a long time.

I guess I am feeling restless these day, having a hard time concentrating. One thing I have started doing, is listening to classical music while working. Not as distracting as other music, but somehow it helps me concentrate.

Hey! That painting project sounds great! When you're done - pics or it didn't happen!

DesperadoBlond

OK Dee, deal.

I promise to take you up on it! I'll organize some sort of a charity project. I actually had that in mind already. Just been busy and lazy lately!

Anna

Desperado, I heartily endorse volunteering, too.

For me, I 'fell' into a volunteer job, in the first week of my recovery, and I know it helped to save my life. I naively thought I could offer something to an organization, and soon realized that I was gaining far more than I could ever give.

cracked

Wow, I know exactly how you feel. I've only quit drinking a couple of days ago but I'm struggling big time with overwhelming feelings that I have been masking. It's like I can't handle life, and it sucks!

I've struggled with pretty bad anxiety for the past few years. I've been on medication for over a year now, and it helps me even though I hate the idea of it.

I like the volunteering idea too. I've been thinking about looking into that myself.

Good luck, and thanks for the post!

DesperadoBlond

Thanks! Always nice to hear from others who are in the same situation!

What makes my situation even worse is having to live with my family right now. I am 28, but no other viable, smart solution. I just have to stick this one out - and I will.

Either way, it's Monday and it's a brand new week! Yay! Here we go! 7