The Closet Alcoholic & telling family.....
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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The Closet Alcoholic & telling family.....
I am officially ONE WEEK SOBER!!! YAY!!!!
Anyway, I am running into an issue about telling others about my addiction. A lot of my family, including my parents had no idea about my drinking problem. They barely even knew I drank, much less the fact that I got plastered on a nightly basis. My family is of a very strong Baptist background and they are the type that your are condemned if you drink alcohol (well, atleast if you get caught). They are so friggin judgemental!!! Now, I have always had an issue with what others think of me (maybe that explains why I got my drunkest when I was alone). Anyway, since i am only one week in, only a select few of my closest friends and my husband know about my past and how I am in recovery now. I am so close to my mom andreally really want to tell her, I feel so proud of myself and I want her to be a part of this, but I just can't bring myself to tell her. For instance tonight, I went to my 3rd AA meeting, my kids asked where I was going.....I just told them a "meeting". So my mom calls and they tell her I was in a meeting. I call her back and she was acting all weird and said "You were in a MEETING? What KIND of meeting?" Like she KNEW and was judging me. I just made up something quick, I really didn't feel like getting into it with her tonight.
So, my question is, for those of you who were "closet alcoholics" like I was, did you tell others? If so, how did you go about telling them and how did they react?
Also, I can't put the Blue Book down!!! I love it and am learning soooo much. Only prob is the book is not discreet at all!! On the edge of the book is says pretty largely "ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS" lol It's not that I am not proud of what I am doing, I just don't want to be "labeled" if you know what i mean.
Maybe after a few months of this I will quit caring about what others think. It was hard enough to admit to myself that I am in alcoholic, and it is even harder to admit it to others.
Anyway, I am running into an issue about telling others about my addiction. A lot of my family, including my parents had no idea about my drinking problem. They barely even knew I drank, much less the fact that I got plastered on a nightly basis. My family is of a very strong Baptist background and they are the type that your are condemned if you drink alcohol (well, atleast if you get caught). They are so friggin judgemental!!! Now, I have always had an issue with what others think of me (maybe that explains why I got my drunkest when I was alone). Anyway, since i am only one week in, only a select few of my closest friends and my husband know about my past and how I am in recovery now. I am so close to my mom andreally really want to tell her, I feel so proud of myself and I want her to be a part of this, but I just can't bring myself to tell her. For instance tonight, I went to my 3rd AA meeting, my kids asked where I was going.....I just told them a "meeting". So my mom calls and they tell her I was in a meeting. I call her back and she was acting all weird and said "You were in a MEETING? What KIND of meeting?" Like she KNEW and was judging me. I just made up something quick, I really didn't feel like getting into it with her tonight.
So, my question is, for those of you who were "closet alcoholics" like I was, did you tell others? If so, how did you go about telling them and how did they react?
Also, I can't put the Blue Book down!!! I love it and am learning soooo much. Only prob is the book is not discreet at all!! On the edge of the book is says pretty largely "ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS" lol It's not that I am not proud of what I am doing, I just don't want to be "labeled" if you know what i mean.
Maybe after a few months of this I will quit caring about what others think. It was hard enough to admit to myself that I am in alcoholic, and it is even harder to admit it to others.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
It's wonderful to see how positive you are, jwolf.
By the time I quit, I wasn't a closet alkie anymore. Most everyone knew. Oddly, my mother was very upset when I mentioned AA - I think she was in denial about my drinking. Hopefully others here who've been in your situation will have some advice.
Keep going - you're doing great - proud of you!
By the time I quit, I wasn't a closet alkie anymore. Most everyone knew. Oddly, my mother was very upset when I mentioned AA - I think she was in denial about my drinking. Hopefully others here who've been in your situation will have some advice.
Keep going - you're doing great - proud of you!
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I was mostly closeted, so outside of my husband and kids, people didn't know what was going on. I did not tell other family members, nor did I tell anyone. I strongly believe that recovery is a very personal journey. I was very vulnerable and I didn't want anyone judging me or offering negative comments.
I also try to remember that I am a mother, a grandmother, a wife, a friend and, yes, an alcoholic, but alcoholism doesn't define me.
I also try to remember that I am a mother, a grandmother, a wife, a friend and, yes, an alcoholic, but alcoholism doesn't define me.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
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Originally Posted by jwolf 
My family is of a very strong Baptist background and they are the type that your are condemned if you drink alcohol...
So my mom calls and [my kids] tell her I was in a meeting. I call her back and she was acting all weird and said "You were in a MEETING? What KIND of meeting?" Like she KNEW and was judging me.
So my mom calls and [my kids] tell her I was in a meeting. I call her back and she was acting all weird and said "You were in a MEETING? What KIND of meeting?" Like she KNEW and was judging me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 85
I agree with the posts above... Anna said it right that it is a personal journey, and it might not be the best time for you to speak to your mother. If and when you do speak to her about your drinking / AA should be when you feel comfortable. Take solice in the fact that you are doing what is right for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: California
Posts: 29
The only ones that know about my recovery are those closest and who already knew I had a problem. Those that didn't know I have not said anything to them yet either. I just sort of figure at one point in time when the subject should arrise I may just blurt it all out....who knows..all I know at this point I am so happy with myself also..which has allowed me to be happier toward everyone around me, I almost feel like bringing up the cloud of "what the poor me used to be" is now rather unimportant. -- For your situation you may just want to go ahead and tell your mom and get it over with beccause it sounds like it bugs you... Just a thought, after she thinks about it for awhile she should come to realize she's proud of you for doing something about it! Good Luck!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
Jwolf,
Your recovery is yours. One week is a great start and you are new and raw. Once you have made the disclosure, you can't take it back. Not everyone responds to the disclosure that one is alcoholic and seeking recovery in ways that are supportive. And that includes family members. If she were to deny you had a problem, how would you feel? Would you begin to question yourself? If she were to tell you that she disagrees with your chosen recovery method, how would you feel? If you just immersed yourself in church, everything would be just fine! If she were to make negative comments (or otherwise judge you), how would that affect your relationship? I suspect you have an intuitive sense of discomfort about sharing this information with her for good reason. My suggestion to you is to listen to that inner voice.
Susan
Your recovery is yours. One week is a great start and you are new and raw. Once you have made the disclosure, you can't take it back. Not everyone responds to the disclosure that one is alcoholic and seeking recovery in ways that are supportive. And that includes family members. If she were to deny you had a problem, how would you feel? Would you begin to question yourself? If she were to tell you that she disagrees with your chosen recovery method, how would you feel? If you just immersed yourself in church, everything would be just fine! If she were to make negative comments (or otherwise judge you), how would that affect your relationship? I suspect you have an intuitive sense of discomfort about sharing this information with her for good reason. My suggestion to you is to listen to that inner voice.
Susan
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Dublin
Posts: 90
I'll be interested to hear how ur family react ... I told close friends some turned out werent friends at all after my confession .. but lesson learned .. however I havent told my family at all ... I dont think I ever will
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 223
J wolf,
Thanks for posting about this. I can really relate as I have been a closet drinker and no one but my husband knew for a long time (except the workers picking up the recycle bins). My family is very judgmental, so much so I don't think they even realize it.
My story is a bit different than yours in that I decided to get serious about sobriety AFTER I got caught by them. They came over one day when I was seriously drunk. The shame was horrible but it did make me wake up so to speak.
I hate being judged but what I can't stand more is having my decisions, thoughts, and feelings not taken seriously, questioned, or dismissed. My parents reactions were horror, dismay, and urgency to help. Their idea of help though, is to whisk me away and control my life. They say they understand but I seriously doubt it. And I have a strong reaction to them or others who I know "don't get it." Thank goodness for SR and my husband who is also a recovering alcoholic.
I feel like I'm rambling a bit here and perhaps not being helpful. To get to the point, I guess I'm suggesting to be cautious. It's elating in the beginning of recovery and that is a feeling to treasure, but not everyone will be supportive. Especially if they have had no idea about your drinking.
Best wishes either way. Feel free to PM me if you like.
Thanks for posting about this. I can really relate as I have been a closet drinker and no one but my husband knew for a long time (except the workers picking up the recycle bins). My family is very judgmental, so much so I don't think they even realize it.
My story is a bit different than yours in that I decided to get serious about sobriety AFTER I got caught by them. They came over one day when I was seriously drunk. The shame was horrible but it did make me wake up so to speak.
I hate being judged but what I can't stand more is having my decisions, thoughts, and feelings not taken seriously, questioned, or dismissed. My parents reactions were horror, dismay, and urgency to help. Their idea of help though, is to whisk me away and control my life. They say they understand but I seriously doubt it. And I have a strong reaction to them or others who I know "don't get it." Thank goodness for SR and my husband who is also a recovering alcoholic.
I feel like I'm rambling a bit here and perhaps not being helpful. To get to the point, I guess I'm suggesting to be cautious. It's elating in the beginning of recovery and that is a feeling to treasure, but not everyone will be supportive. Especially if they have had no idea about your drinking.
Best wishes either way. Feel free to PM me if you like.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
I feel for you facing such a tough dilemna Jwolf.
On the one hand if you tell her she may react negatively but on the other hand if she somehow finds out in another manner she will probably react more negatively and feel hurt that you did not confide in her.
Give it a lot of thought before you make up your mind on your course of action and let us know how things work out.
Most importantly do not get overly stressed out over this and drink because of it. Nothing good can come from that.
Peace be with you.
On the one hand if you tell her she may react negatively but on the other hand if she somehow finds out in another manner she will probably react more negatively and feel hurt that you did not confide in her.
Give it a lot of thought before you make up your mind on your course of action and let us know how things work out.
Most importantly do not get overly stressed out over this and drink because of it. Nothing good can come from that.
Peace be with you.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
I'm on Day 27 and initially told my husband and my childhood best friend. I told a trusted colleague. But she has no idea about my problem, I just told her I quit and she assumed it was for health. Which it is! But more than that.
I just told three old friends of mine. I wasn't anticipating that. They asked me for drinks next month. I waited a day or two, I didn't know what to say! So I just told them, I quit drinking. That's it. They didn't miss a beat and said, that's ok, we still want to get together, how about that awesome pizza place? I am so grateful for them. I actually cannot believe that they said that.
I haven't told any family member. I'm just not ready. They all drink. My mom drinks a lot, and I think too much, and I don't want to hear any b.s. about my quitting. I don't think she needs to know. She lives in another city. I don't think anyone really needs to know, it's a personal choice.
Good luck.
I just told three old friends of mine. I wasn't anticipating that. They asked me for drinks next month. I waited a day or two, I didn't know what to say! So I just told them, I quit drinking. That's it. They didn't miss a beat and said, that's ok, we still want to get together, how about that awesome pizza place? I am so grateful for them. I actually cannot believe that they said that.
I haven't told any family member. I'm just not ready. They all drink. My mom drinks a lot, and I think too much, and I don't want to hear any b.s. about my quitting. I don't think she needs to know. She lives in another city. I don't think anyone really needs to know, it's a personal choice.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,733
You got some great advice. As far as the Big Book goes I was thinking you could just use a book cover. Why not splurge and buy or make a pretty one for it? I agree with those who said to be cautious and protect your sobriety. It's personal. You don't need to be judged right now. I am very proud of you for going to meetings. I hope you will find a sponsor who can take you through the steps and show you how to live a life you can be proud of.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 39
I've got sort of the same thing going on
I've been unemployed for what seems like forever. I was a binge drinker before but after I became a daily drinker of about a fifth of vodka. One night, when I thought it was complete rock bottom - half a gallon of vodka- I decided in the morning I was going to fly to my parents house and tell them. Considering I've had relatives who have either literally killed themselves because they couldn't stop drinking and relatives who have died from health problems as the result of drinking, I wasn't sure if my parents would be horrified or understanding. They, like your parents, are really, really judgmental people, southern Baptist, and really into the "personal responsibility" aspect of everything that everyone does whether it actually affects them or not. You know, because being an alcoholic is "simply" a matter of personal responsibility.
So I told them and they were actually really cool. I moved in with them and stopped drinking for about three weeks. Which is truly amazing because they have three stocked bars in their house and about five wine racks full of dozens of bottles. Their southern Baptism doesn't extend to drinking, just being really judgmental of other people. Then my dad, after everything we'd talked about, after his best friend committed suicide over his alcoholism, after his dad died of complications related to alcoholism, offered me a drink. My first thought, "What an *******." Then I used it as an excuse to start drinking again. "Well, if he doesn't think I have a drinking problem..."
I've been drunk almost daily since then. I'm still living with them. I do it in secret. Months and months and months of drinking about a fifth of vodka a day. From the time I wake up until I pass out. I don't know how they don't know, but they don't.
Now I have a goal that's made me want to fix this for good. It's something I wanted for a very, very long time. I wanted it before I became a daily drinker, and I want it now more than ever. But, I have to be sober for it. I know it's not popular but I'm weaning myself off because, while I don't drink nearly as much as some people do, this **** affects me a lot. I have the swollen throat, skin sores (which I'm able to hide so no one asks questions), dark circles under my eyes from anemia, rapid, thudding heart rate, shakes, sweats, dry heaves. All of it. But, for three weeks I've been taking B vitamins, fish oil, magnesium, melatonin and now I'm starting to drink less and less. I think the vitamins and stuff is helping with my withdrawl symptoms and anxiety and the melatonin is helping me sleep. Once I'm in the clear, and done, the question is: Do I tell my parents that I've been drunk nearly every second of every day since I've been in their house? That, I think, would **** them off...a lot. Despite the fact my dad offered me a drink, I think it would **** him off that I was drinking in secret.
I didn't mean to make this about me. I'm just really curious how this all turns out for you and I hope you'll share. I thought if I explained a little about my similar situation with the family that you'd be more inclined to. I think what happens to you might affect what I tell my parents or how I tell them. lol
I wish you good luck. You've already told people close to you and that's something I haven't been able to do yet. You should be really proud.
Stay strong. I'll meet you there eventually.
So I told them and they were actually really cool. I moved in with them and stopped drinking for about three weeks. Which is truly amazing because they have three stocked bars in their house and about five wine racks full of dozens of bottles. Their southern Baptism doesn't extend to drinking, just being really judgmental of other people. Then my dad, after everything we'd talked about, after his best friend committed suicide over his alcoholism, after his dad died of complications related to alcoholism, offered me a drink. My first thought, "What an *******." Then I used it as an excuse to start drinking again. "Well, if he doesn't think I have a drinking problem..."
I've been drunk almost daily since then. I'm still living with them. I do it in secret. Months and months and months of drinking about a fifth of vodka a day. From the time I wake up until I pass out. I don't know how they don't know, but they don't.
Now I have a goal that's made me want to fix this for good. It's something I wanted for a very, very long time. I wanted it before I became a daily drinker, and I want it now more than ever. But, I have to be sober for it. I know it's not popular but I'm weaning myself off because, while I don't drink nearly as much as some people do, this **** affects me a lot. I have the swollen throat, skin sores (which I'm able to hide so no one asks questions), dark circles under my eyes from anemia, rapid, thudding heart rate, shakes, sweats, dry heaves. All of it. But, for three weeks I've been taking B vitamins, fish oil, magnesium, melatonin and now I'm starting to drink less and less. I think the vitamins and stuff is helping with my withdrawl symptoms and anxiety and the melatonin is helping me sleep. Once I'm in the clear, and done, the question is: Do I tell my parents that I've been drunk nearly every second of every day since I've been in their house? That, I think, would **** them off...a lot. Despite the fact my dad offered me a drink, I think it would **** him off that I was drinking in secret.
I didn't mean to make this about me. I'm just really curious how this all turns out for you and I hope you'll share. I thought if I explained a little about my similar situation with the family that you'd be more inclined to. I think what happens to you might affect what I tell my parents or how I tell them. lol
I wish you good luck. You've already told people close to you and that's something I haven't been able to do yet. You should be really proud.
Stay strong. I'll meet you there eventually.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North FLA
Posts: 115
Originally Posted by newleaves2012
you don't have to tell a single person if you don't want to. whatever it takes to protect your sobriety.
Congrats on the 1 week. "Protect your sobriety" Hmmm... I like that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
Like you, I am very close to my mom and there have been so many times that I have wanted to talk to her about my alcoholism, mainly just to share it with her. It feels weird sometimes that I can't talk to her about it, but for me that's the way it has to be. I drank nightly for years and only my husband and brother knew about it. The only thing I have said to my parents is that I decided that I didn't want to drink alcohol anymore...they have no idea how much I used to drink. For me, I had to do what was right for myself. Would talking to my parents have helped me or hurt me? For me I decided that even if they weren't judgmental about it, it wouldn't have helped me at all. I agree with others above who have said it is a personal journey. If you think talking to them will help you, then go for it... don't feel like you have to "confess" anything to them or that you're keeping them in the dark if you don't say anything. Think about your own recovery first and what will possibly help or hinder that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 28
I'm on day 10 of this attempt and thinking about going to my first meeting tonight.
I'm not very close with family or many friends, and my personal belief is that I don't need to tell ANYONE about my choice to quit drinking, or the fact I have dependency issues. It would only hurt me to seek their understanding, approval or support. I have to do this on my own, privately, just like the way I got to my low points, by myself. Except for others struggling with the same thing, I expect no one to understand it.
I'm not very close with family or many friends, and my personal belief is that I don't need to tell ANYONE about my choice to quit drinking, or the fact I have dependency issues. It would only hurt me to seek their understanding, approval or support. I have to do this on my own, privately, just like the way I got to my low points, by myself. Except for others struggling with the same thing, I expect no one to understand it.
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