Introducing myself and my story:)
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1
Introducing myself and my story:)
Hi there! I have just written a blog entry today sharing my story, so thought I'd copy and paste what I wrote as I can't do it all again! It already took so much out of me! I don't think you can see the link at the end as I haven't written enough posts to post any links yet - so please ignore
I'm a bit nervous about this, but here goes....
From Pain to Peace...
Hello there, and welcome to my new no-holds-barred blog
For the time being this will be a very personal and honest account of where I've been, where I am and where I'm going. If you are reading this, you are part of a select group of people whom I trust I have a heck of a lot to get off my chest - so be prepared.... this blog isn't for the faint hearted. I'm also hoping that in an anonymous kind of way I may be able to help others who are trying to cope with similar pain.
I might just give a very brief overview of who I am and what I'm dealing with here...
I was born in 1979 while my parents were studying to be ministers at an 'Assembly of God' bible college in Australia. On the outside it was all 'holiness, love, obedience to 'God' etc, but behind closed doors was PAIN. Pain for all three.
After experiencing some pretty freaky stuff as a child (which I will get into when it comes up), I was diagnosed with depression as an 8yr old. As a child my life consisted of school, home and church - and all three were wrought with unescapable pain, abuse and lessons to be learned. In many ways I feel like I was born behind the eight ball and am working on believing that life IS fair... but I'm getting side tracked now, more about that later...
There was abuse on every level coming from home, nightmarish bullying at a small country school where I was singled out as the girl nerd and dubbed "Maggots" while also being hit by the teacher in front of my peers, sexual molestation throughout highschool, suicide attempts from the age of 12, scary and dangerous self harm, panic attacks, hospitals, counselours etc.... the list goes on. By the time I was 18 I discovered alcohol and other drugs. This filled the emptiness and made me feel human - one of the many many survival mechanisms I developed. By the time I was 21 I was a total addict, homeless, raped, destroyed. I had a nervous breakdown.
Through staying addicted to any mind altering substance I could get my hands on (I never tried heroin though. At least I don't think so. I don't remember a lot from this period), I managed to get to the age of 27 alive. At this time I had to make a choice. Did I want to be here or not? This was not like any of the other suicidal thoughts I'd had throughout my life. This was eerily real, close and scary. I could feel myself dying and I didn't know if there was anything at all positive in this world worth sticking around for. At this stage my life consisted of sitting in my bed day in day out, counting my breathing so I wouldn't have to live in a panic attack 24/7. I'm not exaggerating and I'm not kidding. I was completely agoraphibic. It would take me five hours some days to look out the window to see if there was anyone there so I could get to the letter box. Most days I couldn't manage it. I decided to try AA and if that didn't help at all, the next day I would move on. Well, I went to AA with the complete support of my then-husband and I am still here. I sobered up - became familiar with the english language again, started riding my bike to meetings and began working through my huge mountain of fear. I started to feel like I belonged in my body, on this earth and that I was welcome here I discovered talents and interests that I never ever would have dreamt of previously and my life completely turned around. An absolute miracle. It felt like I took my first real breaths.
Nine months into sobriety I became pregnant. My joy was totally indescribable - I had made it through hell and life was coming full circle! Well... (lol)... the journey never ends... During my second trimester it became difficult to walk and by the time I was 5mths pregnant I couldn't walk at all. My pelvis decided not to hold itself together any more - my ligaments wouldn't allow my bones to hold me up and they were scraping against each other all over the place. I could only sit in a slightly reclined position on a chair in my lounge room. Between this and re-surfacing 'mother issues' from my childhood, I found myself completely depressed. Again. I ended up in hospital on bed rest somewhere during the 5th month due to placenta praevia. For someone who had only relatively recently started talking to other people, I found staying in the hospital frightening and intimidating, however I tried my best to remain positive and at peace - and this worked well. I wanted to do as much as I could to provide a loving environment for the beautiful little soul in my belly.
My daughter was born via emergency caesarean 6wks premature. I'll never forget lying there shivering cold under the grey hospital blanket by myself after the operation - feeling raped and completely in shock. I was 'allowed' to touch her for about 10seconds before they whisked her away and was left in the 'recovery' area and literally forgotten about for 2 hrs. My daughter was born at 9.30am and I saw her again at 9.30pm. For no good reason in my opinion. No ******* good reason at all. I had been passionately excited about 'attatchment parenting' throughout my pregnancy - always an avid reader, I knew how traumatic the whole birth experience could possibly be for my little bubba. As you can imagine, having an abusive mother myself I had a long held notion/goal that with regards to childhood trauma and the patterns of pain in my family tree that the "buck stops here". We weren't off to the best start, and predictably I had crippling post natal depression.
After the pregnancy I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. Dd is 3 1/2 now and I'm still moving through it. I'm a lot better, but this is still in my reality right now and I'm learning SO MUCH about myself, others and the world in general as I move through the pain. I see it as a gift, but gifts aren't always easy to accept or understand.
After gaining more clarity, becomoing more present in life and getting healthier I could see through some of the fog. The result of this was shocking to me. After a ten year relationship and 7yrs of marriage I discovered that my husband had been living a double life. He'd squandered tens of thousands of dollars of our money, sold some cherished property of mine, and lied lied lied his little arse off for years. This is a complicated issue and there are no 'bad guys' here - we had unintentionally become the text book co-dependant addict/enabler couple. It's hard when an addict sobers up, finds new interests and discovers life. There is SO much growth involved and often the partner will get left behind even though they are really just as sick and in need of just as much support. I feel it is often harder for the enabler to get treatment for the disease of alcoholism/addiciton because they aren't drinking/using - however they are still caught up in and totally affected by it. The disease of addiction has totally made their lives unmanageable - and realising this is the first step to recovery. We bared our souls, worked through some tough, tough stuff and got honest with each other. After all that I realised that we are on completely different wavelengths - just totally incompatable! He's a lovely, kind, intelligent and decent man - but heartbreakingly not part of me living my truth now. One of the hardest things I've ever had to go through is ending a marriage that I had used as a means of survival for all those years, all the while knowing that I would be faced with being a single mum with CFS/Fibro. We separated in Dec 2010 and I relapsed. For almost a year I struggled with the guilt, shame and remorse of using weed to cope with all the emotional, spiritual and physical pain. Things spiralled downwards quite rapidly and I was caught up in the disease of addiction all over again. I knew I was "a sick person, not a bad person" (as they say in AA), but the shame was and still is indescribable.
I have been completely clean and sober now for three days. I am back in touch with my AA sponsor and life is looking up and some amazing things are coming together for me (I'm back to teaching and writing music which I love). I often struggle and have lots and lots of tears - and I need to write. I need to get this out, and for some reason this feels more 'real' to me than a diary. I don't want to hide anymore - I want to be a part of this world. I want to share my experiences and hope in an honest, grounded and loving way. I thought it would be great therapy for me to write some new music, so hopefully I'll be able to post some tracks soon - in the mean time, here is a recording I made when I was 19yrs old (my voice sounds so high!). I wrote this song about spirit and my need for a 'power greater than myself'. I'm fighting embarassment and fear by posting this - I can find SO MANY faults in this recording, but what the heck! It's real - it's how I felt as a 19yr old and I need to honour that. Thank you for playing a part in my healing process. It means a lot to me that you are reading this
So, till next time, here's the little ditty....
When I'm Empty
(I need to find an easier way of uploading mp3s! lol)
Thank you for your company - big hugs till next time!
I'm a bit nervous about this, but here goes....From Pain to Peace...
Hello there, and welcome to my new no-holds-barred blog
For the time being this will be a very personal and honest account of where I've been, where I am and where I'm going. If you are reading this, you are part of a select group of people whom I trust
I have a heck of a lot to get off my chest - so be prepared.... this blog isn't for the faint hearted. I'm also hoping that in an anonymous kind of way I may be able to help others who are trying to cope with similar pain.I might just give a very brief overview of who I am and what I'm dealing with here...
I was born in 1979 while my parents were studying to be ministers at an 'Assembly of God' bible college in Australia. On the outside it was all 'holiness, love, obedience to 'God' etc, but behind closed doors was PAIN. Pain for all three.
After experiencing some pretty freaky stuff as a child (which I will get into when it comes up), I was diagnosed with depression as an 8yr old. As a child my life consisted of school, home and church - and all three were wrought with unescapable pain, abuse and lessons to be learned. In many ways I feel like I was born behind the eight ball and am working on believing that life IS fair... but I'm getting side tracked now, more about that later...
There was abuse on every level coming from home, nightmarish bullying at a small country school where I was singled out as the girl nerd and dubbed "Maggots" while also being hit by the teacher in front of my peers, sexual molestation throughout highschool, suicide attempts from the age of 12, scary and dangerous self harm, panic attacks, hospitals, counselours etc.... the list goes on. By the time I was 18 I discovered alcohol and other drugs. This filled the emptiness and made me feel human - one of the many many survival mechanisms I developed. By the time I was 21 I was a total addict, homeless, raped, destroyed. I had a nervous breakdown.
Through staying addicted to any mind altering substance I could get my hands on (I never tried heroin though. At least I don't think so. I don't remember a lot from this period), I managed to get to the age of 27 alive. At this time I had to make a choice. Did I want to be here or not? This was not like any of the other suicidal thoughts I'd had throughout my life. This was eerily real, close and scary. I could feel myself dying and I didn't know if there was anything at all positive in this world worth sticking around for. At this stage my life consisted of sitting in my bed day in day out, counting my breathing so I wouldn't have to live in a panic attack 24/7. I'm not exaggerating and I'm not kidding. I was completely agoraphibic. It would take me five hours some days to look out the window to see if there was anyone there so I could get to the letter box. Most days I couldn't manage it. I decided to try AA and if that didn't help at all, the next day I would move on. Well, I went to AA with the complete support of my then-husband and I am still here. I sobered up - became familiar with the english language again, started riding my bike to meetings and began working through my huge mountain of fear. I started to feel like I belonged in my body, on this earth and that I was welcome here
I discovered talents and interests that I never ever would have dreamt of previously and my life completely turned around. An absolute miracle. It felt like I took my first real breaths.Nine months into sobriety I became pregnant. My joy was totally indescribable - I had made it through hell and life was coming full circle! Well... (lol)... the journey never ends... During my second trimester it became difficult to walk and by the time I was 5mths pregnant I couldn't walk at all. My pelvis decided not to hold itself together any more - my ligaments wouldn't allow my bones to hold me up and they were scraping against each other all over the place. I could only sit in a slightly reclined position on a chair in my lounge room. Between this and re-surfacing 'mother issues' from my childhood, I found myself completely depressed. Again. I ended up in hospital on bed rest somewhere during the 5th month due to placenta praevia. For someone who had only relatively recently started talking to other people, I found staying in the hospital frightening and intimidating, however I tried my best to remain positive and at peace - and this worked well. I wanted to do as much as I could to provide a loving environment for the beautiful little soul in my belly.
My daughter was born via emergency caesarean 6wks premature. I'll never forget lying there shivering cold under the grey hospital blanket by myself after the operation - feeling raped and completely in shock. I was 'allowed' to touch her for about 10seconds before they whisked her away and was left in the 'recovery' area and literally forgotten about for 2 hrs. My daughter was born at 9.30am and I saw her again at 9.30pm. For no good reason in my opinion. No ******* good reason at all. I had been passionately excited about 'attatchment parenting' throughout my pregnancy - always an avid reader, I knew how traumatic the whole birth experience could possibly be for my little bubba. As you can imagine, having an abusive mother myself I had a long held notion/goal that with regards to childhood trauma and the patterns of pain in my family tree that the "buck stops here". We weren't off to the best start, and predictably I had crippling post natal depression.
After the pregnancy I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. Dd is 3 1/2 now and I'm still moving through it. I'm a lot better, but this is still in my reality right now and I'm learning SO MUCH about myself, others and the world in general as I move through the pain. I see it as a gift, but gifts aren't always easy to accept or understand.
After gaining more clarity, becomoing more present in life and getting healthier I could see through some of the fog. The result of this was shocking to me. After a ten year relationship and 7yrs of marriage I discovered that my husband had been living a double life. He'd squandered tens of thousands of dollars of our money, sold some cherished property of mine, and lied lied lied his little arse off for years. This is a complicated issue and there are no 'bad guys' here - we had unintentionally become the text book co-dependant addict/enabler couple. It's hard when an addict sobers up, finds new interests and discovers life. There is SO much growth involved and often the partner will get left behind even though they are really just as sick and in need of just as much support. I feel it is often harder for the enabler to get treatment for the disease of alcoholism/addiciton because they aren't drinking/using - however they are still caught up in and totally affected by it. The disease of addiction has totally made their lives unmanageable - and realising this is the first step to recovery. We bared our souls, worked through some tough, tough stuff and got honest with each other. After all that I realised that we are on completely different wavelengths - just totally incompatable! He's a lovely, kind, intelligent and decent man - but heartbreakingly not part of me living my truth now. One of the hardest things I've ever had to go through is ending a marriage that I had used as a means of survival for all those years, all the while knowing that I would be faced with being a single mum with CFS/Fibro. We separated in Dec 2010 and I relapsed. For almost a year I struggled with the guilt, shame and remorse of using weed to cope with all the emotional, spiritual and physical pain. Things spiralled downwards quite rapidly and I was caught up in the disease of addiction all over again. I knew I was "a sick person, not a bad person" (as they say in AA), but the shame was and still is indescribable.
I have been completely clean and sober now for three days. I am back in touch with my AA sponsor and life is looking up and some amazing things are coming together for me (I'm back to teaching and writing music which I love). I often struggle and have lots and lots of tears - and I need to write. I need to get this out, and for some reason this feels more 'real' to me than a diary. I don't want to hide anymore - I want to be a part of this world. I want to share my experiences and hope in an honest, grounded and loving way. I thought it would be great therapy for me to write some new music, so hopefully I'll be able to post some tracks soon - in the mean time, here is a recording I made when I was 19yrs old (my voice sounds so high!). I wrote this song about spirit and my need for a 'power greater than myself'. I'm fighting embarassment and fear by posting this - I can find SO MANY faults in this recording, but what the heck! It's real - it's how I felt as a 19yr old and I need to honour that. Thank you for playing a part in my healing process. It means a lot to me that you are reading this
So, till next time, here's the little ditty....
When I'm Empty
(I need to find an easier way of uploading mp3s! lol)
Thank you for your company - big hugs till next time!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 82
Thanks for sharing heartevolving. I did the same thing but don't have the guts to post my blog publicly. It does help to write and get it out. Just coming here and writing has helped me. Keep your chin up!
MINEr
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Bay Area, Ca
Posts: 505
Thank you for sharing, I feel a lot of what you went through. Even with our hardships of our childhoods, it is amazing what the freedom and love of sobriety can make us feel. Love and luck to you.
camedown
camedown
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