DazedAnd

I'm still over 3 weeks sober from alcohol and I haven't had a cigarette. I've been having strong urges to smoke marijuana every day for the past couple days now and I gave in today. The whole reason I wanted to stay away from everything is because I have an addictive personality and I use it as a crutch but I convinced myself it wasn't as bad as other things I used to do and if I could control this I'd be fine. I mean I'm doing well with everything else. But I know at some level I'm justifying it to myself. It's just hard not having anything left to throw myself onto when I have way too much time to think about myself and my loneliness. I'm having a hard time wanting to try quitting again and living with ZERO crutches, especially after doing so well and screwing it up for myself. This whole thing feels stupid and pointless I cant be happy no matter what I decide to do. I feel pretty ashamed of myself right now.

jocata

Don't beat yourself up Dazed, that will only make things worse. I tell u this from experience. Man, I am my own worst enemy, and I can pile so much guilt on myself that a backhoe would have a hard time digging me out.

Just pick yourself up and go at it again. Find a recovery program if you don't have one and work like your life depends on it.

God bless.

Mark75

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself, you have good insight. You know that you are justifying... You understand that smoking pot isn't sober. You understand that something isn't right.

Get some power, then you won't need a crutch. Quit thinking about yourself 24/7... All that...

AA has been a huge help for me in these areas and many others. Maybe it would help you?

DazedAnd

jocata - Thank you for the response. I don't know if I can try it again - I feel like if I failed after that amount of time, I'll fail no matter what and the best I can do is to limit it. Not that I want to feel like that.

mark75 - How can I not think about myself all the time when I'm so depressed and lonely. I've tried all the, 'go out there and meet new people' suggestions and therapy but nothing thus far ever seems to work out right for me.

Anna

Dazed, it's getting through those urges that will help you to build strength. You will get stronger and the urges will get weaker.

I'm glad you're back.

FoundmySelf

Dazed, nothing is ever lost when relapse unless we allow it to be. You need to turn your way of thinking around and try to find the positive in your situation. Perhaps you could start by looking at the sober time that you did have and realize that those three weeks are not wasted.

I will tell you, what I always tell my children, and that is that we learn from our mistakes and so each mistake is a gift to us and we must celebrate it. Take this opportunity and learn from it. Grow with it, and make the changes that need to take place so that you never find yourself back in this situation.

Do you have a plan, Dazed? You know that nothing changes, if nothing changes. What are you going to do different this time? You can do this, and all it takes is a few adjustments to make yourself stronger in your plan. Are you attending AA? Do you have a support system? There are so many options out there Dazed, you don't have to do this alone.

Keep posting, I have faith that you can do this

Mark75

I get it, I truly do... I woke up this morning trending in that direction...



This is one of the counterintuitive things I have found in recovery. There is only one solution for me. It's not meditation, prayer, reading, whatever... I have to go DO something.

Get out of self.

DazedAnd

^I've been diagnosed with clinical depression in the past, clinical depression stuck me in a rut of a loop and makes it impossible to just go and change. Even when I'm doing something I get distracted and think about my problems

Thank you for that, I do feel a lot less guilty than I did before but the urge to smoke is right at the forefront of my mind and I can't stop it. I'm not sure what I can do, all the things I can do for replacement would either be just as bad (other substances) or not close to being as enjoyable (working out, whatever). I'm not attending AA and I don't think I see myself doing that, I'm barely comfortable discussing my problems anonymously without my face being seen. But I don't have a support system as the people I do know are either enablers, addicts that don't want to change or people that can't relate or don't care. So my only real support system is this, basically.

Dee74

Dazed - if I had thought that I'd never make it I wouldn;t be here - for 15 years I tried - there were a lot of do overs there.

There's a lot we can learn from our mistakes, and it sounds like you're doing just that.
Don't let your errors define you - leave that to your successes

D

neferkamichael

I'm 1 year 6 months sober, 4 months off crack, still smoke cigs. I dont exactly how to give up the cig yet, but I'm working on it. I will do it.

DazedAnd

I'm learning but I don't think I'm doing which is making me despise myself that I'm still doing it even though I know I shouldn't.

Some mixed feelings there, huh? That's very impressive, good luck to you, buddy.

Threshold

Dazed, I have multiple addictions too, and depression. I totally understand where you are right now, and the sense of defeat.

People with our personalities tend to be very all or nothing. Either we are great or we've messed up so why bother at all...and our feelings, they are so big we are sure there is NO WAY little old messed up us can handle them...we need something right? And when we try and our best intentions aren't enough....

But the thing is, we are trapped in our own mental feed loop. We can't see any other way, we've tried other things, nothing seems to work as well as our tried and true addictions, and when those are clearly not working, we are convinced there is no hope.

Getting out of ourselves doesn't only mean going to volunteer someplace etc, it means getting out of our constricting hell of ideas that we have tried everything. I know if truly looks and feels like we have (oh believe me I know) but there are things out there beyond what we've tried, and thought and felt.

That is one of the hardest things for me to accept, because if I allow myself to accept that, it means I haven't tried everything, that there is more effort to be put out, that I have to let new ideas in and I am already so overwhelmed by the old ones that having to deal with any new concept of reality seems just too much.

But the world is a big place and the human mind and body are way more resilient than I would wish them to be. And the darn people here tell me things I don't want to hear like I CAN recover...when really I want there to be a good excuse for me to not have to recover.

No one here is going to say "there there dazed, you're right, you are the ONE hopeless case, it's ok to go back to your sad place"

That's not what we do here.

We are not alone in our sense of defeat and hopelessness. Many here have felt just the same, but could not blind themselves to the fact that there IS hope. Reading at this sight is like me opening the blinds every day.

Even if it's cloudy and storm on MY side of the world, the folks here remind me the Sun is shining somewhere, and it will shine on me too.

I slipped this weekend with one of my addictions. And I felt so defeated, so "not this again" wondering why I let myself go, I'd been doing so well, etc etc.

But I AM doing so well, in so many ways. And the fact that I noticed my slip and did NOT use it as an excuse to nosedive into every self destructive behavior shows some huge progress.

It shows that in spite of my slip, I have some sober thinking that I didn't have before. I have some hope that I didn't have before. A smidgen of clear headedness.

We don't have to have all the answers today, a perfect game plan etc. The hope that we can recover, as so many others here have, and the willingness to stay in the game, even when we've fumbled are what we need.

We can make it without those unhealthy crutches in our lives. We may stumble a bit at first, until we strengthen our sober legs.

sugarbear1

Can you get to an AA or NA meeting to talk to people in person? Hang with other sober people & get out of self for a minute...you don't have to do anything but just not be alone.

Best wishes,

freshstart57

Foundmyself and Threshold, your posts here were truly moving and inspiring, showing a determination to succeed and at the same time, an understanding that this success will also need some lovingkindness in our dealings with ourselves. Thank you for bringing this to my understanding about how I too must proceed on my journey.