nolookingback

Hi everyone. For quite a while I have had problems with cocaine. It all started as social thing but it eventually got out of control and obviously this is why I'm here. My issue with it was never a daily thing but when I do use I binge hard and the consequences take a hard toll on my wallet, health, work,and self esteem. I have been trying to deal with it through therapy but the binges kept happening. My last binge was this Friday and I made a deal with my therapist that if I relapsed one more time I would then check myself in for inpatient treatment. I really want to me this attempt my last one and going to take advantage of all tools available to me. After some thinking I have realized that my biggest mistake I made during my previous attempts was actually fighting the fact that I am different from others. I was trying to hard to fit in with people around me instead of accepting the truth that I am living right now. Right now I am not like everybody else. I have a problem and because I have this problem I might not be able to do all the activities that some people from my age group might do. if I keep trying to challenge myself to keep doing these things it is is obvious that the result will remain the same. Now at first it all seems bad that I have to limit myself but the more that I think about it it could be much worse. The things I have to limit myself from doing have to do with going out to bars, parties, or any other setting that could be a trigger for me. That isn't that bad.....what if I had gotten a stroke, heart attack, car accident, etc and and in result could never walk, see, or do anything then that would trully be limiting. This is why from now on I will stop feeling sorry for myself ....everyone has problems in this world and the only way to fix them is to face them. Feeling sorry is just a waste of energy and not facing reality is a waste of time. This time i will face the truth have it help me become a better person. Hope I didn't ramble too much......any feedback or opinions would be greatly appreciated!

pacificsunrise

nolookingback,

welcome and congratulations on your decision to challenge the addiction. you are brave and strong enough to beat this thing. it is not going to be easy, but it is doable, as many on this forum stand witness to it.

good luck to you and keep posting. hugs and prayers.

neferkamichael

I am finally 4 months 12 days off cocaine after 27 years of being possessed. There was no love, no hate, no happiness, no sadness, there was nothing, no worries, no pain, no sex, social life, nothing. The only problem was it last at best 10 minutes, and then needed another line, hit from pipe, eat it, whatever. I beg you to stop, because if you can afford to use it around the clock, you just might kill yourself. Prayin for ya.

Impurrfect

(((nolookingback))) - I'm coming up on 5 years in recovery from crack. Before that, there were other things I abused.

The only good thing I can say about cocaine is that it finally forced me to hit bottom, reevaluate my life and begin recovery.

When we're using, it seems like everyone we know is also using. Some are addicted, some are working their way toward addiction. I've never really met a recreational cocaine user..not for very long anyway.

Once we get some clean time, we realize that: Yep, some people are still using, but there are a lot that don't. I tend to gravitate toward those that don't these days

I'm really glad you're here and looking at things with open eyes. SR has been a huge part of my recovery, and not just the other cocaine users - I found out that no matter what someone's DOC was, we had a lot in common.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

nolookingback

Thanks Pacificsunrise and Neferkamichael for your words of encouragement! It truly means a lot.
Neferkamichael, what has helped you stay clean for four months? What would you say has been the toughest moments, if you don't mind my asking.

desertsong

It's different for everyone, nolookingback. What snapped me back into my reality ... a loving husband, two beautiful boys ... no future at all if I didn't participate in their lives. Add to that the death of my dreams, the hopelessness, the self-loathing ... oh yes, I was on my way to being "done." But a merciful God saved me ... as he always has. You will find yours ... through him or through another higher power ... let him/it lead you to greener pastures. The road is rough but well worth the trip.

nolookingback

Thanks Amy! You are so right! I always cling to the thought that 90% of the people I am around use and I am aware that this is just the dysfunctional world that I have surrounded myself with. I am hoping that with clean time and with a good a effort put forth I will be able to remodel that world to a more clean and spiritual one. It gives me good hope to know that others have been able to do it.

remily

I had to move. I moved from my home over five years ago and moved back in with my parents. My mother saved my life.

I have now been married for 1.5 years to a wonderful husband who has never tried one drug. (I know, hard to believe but true).

I have other problems, but once I moved home and removed myself from the environment, I never did cocaine again.

I wish you much luck and new beginnings.


remily

nolookingback

Thanks Desertsong! I am so ready to find my mine! I would say that my dream of having a family of my own is my major reason right now. If I keep using I am sure that will never happen

Dee74

Welcome to SR nolookingback

you'll find a lot of support here - feel free to check out our substance abuse forum as well

Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

Impurrfect

(((nolookingback))) - when I was younger, I drank. I did quit that with no problem, but by then I was in my 30's? Then I discovered opiates. Again, quit with no problem. By then I was in my 40's. Now, I'm 50, coming up on 5 years of recovery.

No family, no kids, and I can accredit that, A LOT, to the things I abused and the people I hung around with (spent 20+ years with a functional alcoholic who never wanted a commitment or kids).

You have the chance to NOT make the mistakes I did. My 3 exbf's? One is married, still drinking and I hear neither of them are "quite right". #2? He's probably in jail or still running the streets, hustling crack. #3? He died a couple years ago - pneumonia. In a crack house because smoking that stuff was more important than going to the doctor.

Me? I lost my nursing career, but am back in school for a degree in another area of healthcare. I live at home, (yes, at MY age) because of the financial RUIN I brought on myself with crack. However, I've gotten back the trust of my family, met a few new friends in person (some are from SR!) and though I still have my down days, most of the time I find myself smiling at some of the simplest things.

My job takes me to some rough parts of town. I see the females doing what I used to do, the d-boys out, and I just thank God that I no longer am part of that lifestyle.

You can do this, you really can.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

jocata

It does seem like when we are using that everyone else uses too. That's what I thought. The reason I thought that was because the only people I hung with were ones that used or drank just like me! Our addictions are masters of deception like that

Keep reading and posting!! You can do this!!

God bless.

neferkamichael

The determination to get of crack, finding SR, go to meetings. Toughest moments are when a crack dealer rides by with a big cookie in his hand, being around my dear old using buddies, and numerous other triggers. My biggest challenge is coming. New job possibility. Been broke for a long time, but have to go back to work. Now I'll have suplus cash. Money is the worst trigger of all. Other things that have helped is reuniting with my family after 26 years, and I'm just tired of being a slave.