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Old 01-23-2012, 01:51 PM   #1 (permalink)
sobriety date 5-2-12
 
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Why am I not even trying?


It's been 15 days since my last drink and I went about 11 days with no pills and then Saturday I took some from my friends and those are now all gone. Today at work a coworker gave me some ativan, and when I went over to my parents after work I grabbed 3 oxycodone pills. Those will be gone tonight, so what's the point? Why am I sabatoging myself? For what reason? I can't keep steeling pills from people. I need to get on with my life. I am open to any words of wisdom...
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Old 01-23-2012, 02:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Why am I sabatoging myself? For what reason?
You tell us. Why do you drink and get high? For what purpose?
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Old 01-23-2012, 02:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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you're caught in the grips of addiction. we are masters of self destruction and once we get something in our bodies the obsession and compulsion takes over and nothing will stand in our way of our drugs.

We have to stop using in order to quell the obsession/compulsion. What that looks like is different for each of us. Treatment centers are necessary for many people. I got clean with the help of NA and AA.
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Old 01-23-2012, 02:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I love how Terminally Unique gets right to the point. No room for wiggling or rationalizations. I did a lot of self-sabotaging during my last two attempts at sobriety. Told myself I didn't know why I was doing it, but deep down I really did. I wanted to go back to my "love affair" with alcohol, when it used to feel good. Never mind that it hadn't felt good in many years ... I just wanted that feeling back. The buzz ... the mellow state of mind ... the oblivion. That's what I wanted because slipping back into oblivion felt better than dealing with life sober.

What thoughts come to mind, aeo?
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Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose; this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down. ~Mary Pickford
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Old 01-23-2012, 02:39 PM   #5 (permalink)
sobriety date 5-2-12
 
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I want to disapear. Id on't want to be responsible. I am tired being a mom, wife, teacher, cleaner, etc etc etc. I don't want to worry about my family, my kids, bills. I want it all magically to be ok.
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Old 01-23-2012, 02:41 PM   #6 (permalink)
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It's pretty obvious you have a problem....Question is...What have you done to try and solve it?....What effort have you put in?. You're on this site a lot....I didn't even know there were so many different options to give up drinking or drugging for good....Have you looked into any of them??...There is a lot of help here...Find one that interests you and send a PM to someone that knows about that one....Take advantage of what you have....I mean...It can happen...But you got to make it happen. I was blessed I reached the end for me and I sought out help through AA....I made it happen and it worked for me....I wouldn't change that for the world. Good luck in whatever you do...Just do it.
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Old 01-23-2012, 02:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I want to disappear. I don't want to be responsible. I am tired being a mom, wife, teacher, cleaner, etc etc etc. I don't want to worry about my family, my kids, bills. I want it all magically to be ok.
Is it all magically OK, though? It doesn't sound like it. You say that you need to move on with life. So, why don't you? You can either go on as you've been going, in which case you'll probably keep getting what you've been getting — or worse — or you can turn the ship around before it hits that iceberg. What is your present plan, Aeo?
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Old 01-23-2012, 02:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Tomorrow night when I go to my next meeting I am going to try and find a sponser. I need someone to walk be through the steps. I don't see my therapist for another week. Once I am clean for at least a month I will have my dr re-assess my anti depressants and see if I need a new pill or new dose. It is amazing how together my life is on the outside. I should have been an actress.
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Old 01-23-2012, 02:58 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Slow suicide. It sucks. As long as pills are your solution, you will use them. When you're sick & tired of being sick & tired, you can get well. Try listening to Narcotics Anonymous speakers on
xa-speakers.com. Self-sabotaging is part of what we have done when we are in our addiction.
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Old 01-23-2012, 03:16 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I was afraid to quit. Booze was my crutch. It was hard for me to see that drinking wasn't making my life better...and in many ways it was making things worse.

You did get some clean time. That's huge. A lot of people don't get any. You can either beat yourself up about it (I found out that beating myself up made me use more) or you can learn from it and keep trying.

I did want to quit, but that's not why I'm sober. I'm sober because I fought the urges...because I learned to wait and not do anything when all I wanted to do was drink. It can be hard work...but it does get better.

Find something else to do when the urge hits. You really don't have to use. There's a list floating around somewhere about dozens of things you can do other than use.

Call your therapist before the week is up if you have to.
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Old 01-23-2012, 03:34 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Ah yes, I did the actress routine, too. All anyone ever saw, was me apparently coping with whatever came along and doing it well. But, inside I was an empty shell and a lost soul.

I hope you can find a way to stop sabotaging yourself. You deserve a good life.
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Old 01-23-2012, 03:46 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I found that after a relapse I would often throw my hands up...I think bam is right - it's scary to think about change and then it's scary to realise how hard that change can be...

I found sobriety hard - I know I used to convince myself then that my drinking and smoking dope wasn't so bad after all ...maybe I just needed to cut back a bit?

Eventually I realised I was finding it so hard because I was trying to do it all myself, and with the least amount of change possible.

I think most of us have to accept the need for change in our lives, and we need a little support, and a little guidance.

whatever supports you have, nows the time to use them aeo

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Old 01-23-2012, 03:53 PM   #13 (permalink)
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aeo,
I don't know what you mean about not trying??? fifteen days no drinking and eleven without pills, if that's not trying I don't know what is. So you fell off the wagon, get back up, dust yerself off, learn from your mistakes and try again. you might fall off the wagon again, who hasn't? you underestimated that two weeks of sobriety
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Old 01-23-2012, 03:57 PM   #14 (permalink)
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aeo - You still have the deisre to be sober, and I believe you will make it. I know you're tired of the merry-go-round - you just need to stop thinking you need that junk. It hasn't helped you or made your life less stressful. Learning to live without pills & booze has to be easier than putting yourself through hell over & over. You can have a new life, please don't give up.
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