what to do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: okanagan
Posts: 1
what to do?
Im on my 6 day sober . Significant other spent last night at bar drinking for 10 hours. I went to an AA meeting this morning only to come home to a note of "sorry gone drinking". I dont think I can handle such disrespect during my strugggle. Maybe I should move out?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((klahanie))) - Welcome to SR and congrats on 6 days!!
My DOC was crack, my bf (at the time) had no intention of not using and I had to get away from him. I know there are several people here who are in recovery for alcoholism, their partners still drink..most aren't alcoholics, but some are. Others did like I did - got out.
Whatever you decide to do, we are here for you.
Hugs and prayers
Amy
My DOC was crack, my bf (at the time) had no intention of not using and I had to get away from him. I know there are several people here who are in recovery for alcoholism, their partners still drink..most aren't alcoholics, but some are. Others did like I did - got out.
Whatever you decide to do, we are here for you.
Hugs and prayers
Amy
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
I can really relate to this, klahanie. My husband is an active alcoholic and does the same thing. Spent 5 out of the last 7 nights at the bar, sometimes for up to 10 hours. It's a tough thing to deal with when you're trying to stay sober yourself.
I have been married for almost 20 years, and have known him for 33 years. He's a good man overall, but he'd be a better man if he stopped drinking. Leaving isn't an option for me because my marriage is otherwise good. But the drinking does bother me much more these days.
It is possible that your SO is feeling threatened by your sobriety because he has his own issues with alcohol. My husband's drinking and going to the bar has increased significantly since I got sober. I tried putting myself in his shoes; if he had gotten sober and I was the one continuing to drink, how would I be feeling right now? Probably insecure, disgusted with myself, scared that he would find someone else who was sober and that he would want to leave me eventually ... I'm sure all of those thoughts are going through his mind right now. Perhaps your SO is feeling some of those same things. Did you used to drink together? My husband and I were drinking buddies for many years. I think he is uncomfortable drinking around me now, and it's easier to hang out at the bar with the other alkies than sit and drink in front of me and wonder what I'm thinking about it.
You have to concentrate on your own sobriety now, and not worry about what your SO is doing. I know that feeling of disrepect, believe me, but if your SO is a heavy drinker or alcoholic, you're not going to be able to change that - they have to want to get sober for themselves. If you feel that the only way you can cope is to move out, then maybe you should. I can't answer that for you. But in any event, make the choices that are most likely to keep you sober. Keep going to meetings, work the steps, call your sponsor, read the BB. If you can have a conversation with your SO about your feelings, do that too. The reaction you get may give you the answers you're looking for about whether or not to stay in this relationship.
Good luck to you and whatever you do, don't drink. Best wishes.
I have been married for almost 20 years, and have known him for 33 years. He's a good man overall, but he'd be a better man if he stopped drinking. Leaving isn't an option for me because my marriage is otherwise good. But the drinking does bother me much more these days.
It is possible that your SO is feeling threatened by your sobriety because he has his own issues with alcohol. My husband's drinking and going to the bar has increased significantly since I got sober. I tried putting myself in his shoes; if he had gotten sober and I was the one continuing to drink, how would I be feeling right now? Probably insecure, disgusted with myself, scared that he would find someone else who was sober and that he would want to leave me eventually ... I'm sure all of those thoughts are going through his mind right now. Perhaps your SO is feeling some of those same things. Did you used to drink together? My husband and I were drinking buddies for many years. I think he is uncomfortable drinking around me now, and it's easier to hang out at the bar with the other alkies than sit and drink in front of me and wonder what I'm thinking about it.
You have to concentrate on your own sobriety now, and not worry about what your SO is doing. I know that feeling of disrepect, believe me, but if your SO is a heavy drinker or alcoholic, you're not going to be able to change that - they have to want to get sober for themselves. If you feel that the only way you can cope is to move out, then maybe you should. I can't answer that for you. But in any event, make the choices that are most likely to keep you sober. Keep going to meetings, work the steps, call your sponsor, read the BB. If you can have a conversation with your SO about your feelings, do that too. The reaction you get may give you the answers you're looking for about whether or not to stay in this relationship.
Good luck to you and whatever you do, don't drink. Best wishes.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Not sure how his drinking = disrespect. Did he make a promise to you to NOT drink?
If you have a drinking problem, and choose to address it, it does not automatically mean he has one or if he does that he will choose to address it. We are each responsible for our own issues. I suggest not using your recovery as some sort of test of his love, etc.
That being said, if his continued drinking ends u being a danger to your recovery, you should strongly consider ending the relationship. If it was an activity you both spent a great deal of time together, then your ceasing to drink may have a serious effect on the relationship.
But consider this, if he had an injury or illness, would you go through physical therapy or take medication as some show of solidarity? Or use crutches or a wheel chair? Sometimes we must be very clear about our motives when we accuse partners of not being supportive. It may be an act of disrespect or aggression on their part, but then again, it might not be.
If you have a drinking problem, and choose to address it, it does not automatically mean he has one or if he does that he will choose to address it. We are each responsible for our own issues. I suggest not using your recovery as some sort of test of his love, etc.
That being said, if his continued drinking ends u being a danger to your recovery, you should strongly consider ending the relationship. If it was an activity you both spent a great deal of time together, then your ceasing to drink may have a serious effect on the relationship.
But consider this, if he had an injury or illness, would you go through physical therapy or take medication as some show of solidarity? Or use crutches or a wheel chair? Sometimes we must be very clear about our motives when we accuse partners of not being supportive. It may be an act of disrespect or aggression on their part, but then again, it might not be.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 553
Agree with everything already stated. It would be nice if he would give up the drinking for you. I would think that would be more important. It might be difficult for him to completely change his lifestyle right now because that's what he's used to. Have you tried to talk to him about how important it is to you that you spend quality time together doing other things? I might do that and see what he says. He is not obligated to give up drinking, but maybe he doesn't know what else to do. If you raise it to his attention and he still wants to drink, then you have to take care of yourself and get out. It's not good for you to be around that right now as you've stated and if you make that clear to him and he still wants to drink, then time to move on for awhile.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Hi K, I can relate to going to AA meetings and coming home to a drunk partner. 
It really sucks to be working on ourselves and to see them spiraling down. However, an important thing I try to keep in mind is that I was at the same spot he was, and no one could have made me change, except for me. Just because I decided to change, doesn't mean that he is going to, or that he has to. Now, what that means to the relationship is a different matter... we will ultimately have to answer questions such as, do I want to be with a partner who drinks this much? But I think at least initially we need to focus on ourselves and our own recovery, rather than getting caught up in what they're doing or not doing. I also know that's hard to do though, and that this is a hard time period in general to have to go through. I wish you all the best in your recovery!
It really sucks to be working on ourselves and to see them spiraling down. However, an important thing I try to keep in mind is that I was at the same spot he was, and no one could have made me change, except for me. Just because I decided to change, doesn't mean that he is going to, or that he has to. Now, what that means to the relationship is a different matter... we will ultimately have to answer questions such as, do I want to be with a partner who drinks this much? But I think at least initially we need to focus on ourselves and our own recovery, rather than getting caught up in what they're doing or not doing. I also know that's hard to do though, and that this is a hard time period in general to have to go through. I wish you all the best in your recovery!
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