Maxxy

Hello everyone from a dreary England! I found your site a couple of days ago, have been browsing and decided to post.

Hmmmm well today is hangover day. Not sure where to start with this. I am so so fed up with my life. I have had a drink problem for years now. I am 36 years old.

I am generally dissatisfied with life.

I am on my own with 2 children. I am bored, number 2 was not planned and eldest was getting to the age where I could get back to work full time and concentrate on my own life after working part time, giving up everything and anything so that he could have the best. My partner left when daughter was 3 weeks old after 7 years - he never came back. I guess it wasn't for him even though he was a brilliant step dad to my son. I had post natal depression, he couldnt cope with it so just upped, left and never came back!

I feel like I am back stuck at home again...

Anyway, I digress I can make as many excuses as I can for why I drink, but now I am just fed up of it.

Every other day I will drink 2 bottles of wine. It's every other day only because I feel rotten the next day and am happy to go to bed with a book at 7 when DD does. In the morning, I feel good, thinking why on earth would I want to feel like yesterday again? Then anxiety kicks in. I suffer with it badly and it's almost crippling. I go out, I do things, I enjoy it and then - I buy myself wine almost as a reward! Ah can sit and relax and congratulate myself for getting out and about. It's pathetic. Why can't I break the cycle? I am now overweight, my skin looks awful, family and friends all know I have a problem, but know better than to address it with me.

Years ago I was on a 70cl bottle of vodka a day, making sure I saved enough just to be able to have a drink beside my bed in the morning to be able to get up without being sick, and get out to buy another. So I kid myself that every other night isn't that bad, when I know it's only every other night because I feel so rubbish the next day.

I have suffered gastritis in the past, one time internally bleeding so I was ... TMI having black poos like I'd been taking too much iron.

I am currently reading Allen Carrs book How to control your drinking - I am aware his final goal is abstinence and am quite happy with that.

I cannot get to any meetings as there is nobody to have the children.

I just don't want it anymore, I haven't for a long time, but cannot break the cycle due to anxiety and I guess weakness and lots of reasons! I have been on several medications for anxiety and depression in the past - fluoxetine, citalopram and venlafaxine. I don't want to go there again as each increased my anxiety and I drank more.

Sorry, I'm rambling on and this is me with a hangover! Just trying to get relevant bits out. I NEED to break this cycle, I am tired, fed up, depressed, irritable, anxious - I need a life instead for my sake and my childrens

Thank you for reading.

Fubarcdn

to SR Maxxy.
I had the same drinking pattern-one day on next day off and it does get tiring.
I am trying to break the habit now for the second or third time.
For me the key will be replacing bad habits (drinking) with good habits (????). This is where I am at right now. Needing to find alternate activities.
Good luck to you.

Maxxy

Same here, thank Fubarcdn

I was lucky enough to get a Kindle for Christmas and I love it! I have always loved reading and on my drinking nights I annoy myself that I can't read - I was really getting into that book! I still try to convince myself nothing is wrong, lay down squinty eyed, read 2 lines and give up.

Here's hoping we can both break our patterns. I am limited in the day at the moment with my little one, and then feel so guilty that I'm not out enjoying myself with her when I should be. I'm in one long circle of beat self up, drink and forget it. I feel so ashamed I am failing those I love the most.

Dazee

Glad to see you here. Welcome!
I too suffer from anxiety. I take medication but the alcohol was reducing its effectiveness. You will find a lot of support here, I have and it has helped.

Lind

Welcome Maxie!! You will find alot of great help on this site!! I am on my 8th day of being sober and come here frequently for support!! I could relate to your story as wine was my weekness and I also suffer from anxiety!! For me alcohol made my anxiety much worse!! I also had alot of the same symptoms as you!! ( TMI) I can say that I have not had any of these symptoms these last eight days. I no I have said this in previous threads but going to bed regret free and waking up clear headed has been a great awakening for me!! You can do this Maxie!!! Stay Strong!!! Lind

Maxxy

Thanks for your replies everybody, especially in such a short time it really means a lot xxx

My daughter is up from her nap now so she's going to help me make a start on dinner (I do the chopping, she puts in the pan!) Hopefully speak later X

slackie

If you like reading, here's two...the big book of AA, of course and Beyond the influence by Katherine ketchum. Very important to read as many books on recovery as you can, especially in light of not actively going to meetings.

sugarbear1

Welcome!

Opivotal

Welcome Maxxy! Sounds like you've got quite a bit on your plate. The fact that your here is a great step. I know I was happy to find I wasn't alone and people could relate to what I was going through. You'll find tons of support here.




Best Wishes To You!

Dee74

Welcome Maxxy - you'll find a lot of support here

D

ReadyAndAble

Hi, Maxxy. Glad you found us!

It's not weakness—you're just stuck in the cycle. I was there for a long time; swearing it off in the morning, feeling my resolve crumble in the afternoon, and by sundown I was actually excited to be popping that first bottle. Wake up the next day and repeat, over and over and over again, year after year.

So I can totally relate. And I can tell you that while it's not easy to break the cycle, it's totally worth it. I was scared and thought life would seem empty without my nightly "reward," but the truth is, that's just a lie told to me by the addict in my head. The truth is life is more satisfying, and so much easier, now that I'm free again. You can do it!

Hevyn

Hi Maxxy - great to meet you. This is a wonderful place that helped me get sober after I drank all my life. I was much older than you when I finally decided I'd had enough. Fortunately, you're still young & can turn it all around. I wish I'd questioned my drinking habits when I was your age - I could have avoided a trip to hell.

Keep on talking to us & let us know how it's going. Reading saved the day for me - helped calm my anxiety & passed the time in those early days. Proud of you for seeing the light - you can have a whole new life.

AbttrMe

Im a newbie as well And I feel a lot like you do. I was a single parent for a long time before I met my husband but I must admit that I wasn't very involved in my childs life because I was more concerned with getting drunk any chance I got. I now love my husband but feel that he is an enabler because he is an alcoholic as well and is not open to getting help. I'm sick of always being hungover and feeling like crap. Message me anytime of you'd like to talk.

artsoul

Welcome Maxxy!
One of the first rewards of sobriety for me was a huge reduction in anxiety. It takes more than a day or two to detox, so it could be that you're experiencing some withdrawal.

I didn't want to give up my "reward" either, but found a much better life on the other side. Keep posting and reading - you can do it!

Maxxy

morning all! (well it is here )

thank you so much for your kind messages, I'll reply in more detail individually later if that's ok, just sat down for a quick cup of tea whilst daughter is amusing herself.

So today will be my anxious need a drink day... I'm going to be more so than usual as it is daughters birthday on Friday and I have quite a few bits to sort out - which means I'll get stressed and the first thing I'll want to do is 'reward' myself with a glass (or 7) of wine which means I won't get half the stuff done I need to, so more anxiety and round and round! Must find something this afternoon to amuse myself with. I think the anxiety is withdrawal too artsoul. I just want to get those first few days (weeks?) under my belt as I know if I'm less anxious I'll be in a much better place to not even think I need a drink.

Yesterday I booked an appointment to get my haircut tomorrow - it's a big thing for me, I haven't bothered with myself much for the last couple of years. Don't want to turn up at the salon looking and feeling rubbish, dont want to cancel it because its easier to have a drink instead. Aaargh it's going to be hard breaking this cycle.

Will post back a bit later, I'll be fine this morning but this afternoon I may well be posting hourly with tie me up and stop me going to the shops!

I'm going to try not to think about it too much if that makes sense. As soon as I start with shall I, shan't I, I inevitably wind myself up so much that I do!

Anyway must get on with the day. Thank you again everyone, just reading your messages has given me a lift and made me more determined.

Hope you all have (had?) a good day too. Not sure on the time differences! Xx

Maxxy

Hi guys just checking in with myself really as it's coming up to 3pm here and I'm starting to get a bit antsy...

Today has been a lazy day, I've tried to take all of the stresses away just for today. I have lots to be doing but nothing that can't wait until the morning. I figured if I didnt have anything to stress about then I'll be less likely to want to pop to the shops! So have been watching DVDs and reading with DD. She's likely to go to bed 6.30ish this evening so if I can make it through til then I'll just head straight to bed and read.

What am I saying if? I mean at around 6.30pm I'll be going to bed and reading!!

Maxxy

thanks slackie I'll look into those once I have finished Allen Carr. I'm not a very spiritual person so was never sure whether the AA was for me or not. I'm liking Allen Carrs approach, more CBT based and changing your thinking to how you view things - like there is nothing positive to come from alcohol, and why would you want to intentionally poison yourself... but I know there is a lot more to be done and a long road to travel so I am willing to get as much knowledge and support as I can

Maxxy

Thanks! That is really encouraging to hear. I guess I have never given myself much of a chance, just assume there is a long dull evening ahead of me so may as well drink - sit on my bum and drink for hours. Where exactly is the fun in that?

When I was pregnant my house was pristine, my garden looked amazing, I remember joking to my mum - wow it's amazing what you can do when you are pregnant, she just said or maybe it's more down to the change in lifestyle... i.e you're not drinking!

It'll be nice when the spring arrives, I do struggle more in the winter months.

Thanks again

Maxxy

Thanks AbttrMe - same here, feel free to message anytime. How are you today? I'm guessing your husband is not ready to give up drinking? Do you think you'll be able to cope with that?

My ex was a drinker, not heavily every night but every night none the less. Needless to say he always had beers in so it was so easy to slip back into once baby was born, I just never knew when to stop

Maxxy

Thanks Hevyn - this made me chuckle, I certainly don't feel young! Old, fat, tired and miserable most of the time. I always knew it was because I was necking a stupid amount of wine every other day, but that was (is) part of my rut too. Drink and then don't have to worry about it.

Ohhh, I really hope I can do this. Guess I'm going to have to face up to some huge home truths.

I'm glad you are sober now and hope you are enjoying your life