desertsong

Hey wonderful people,

Today is Day 22 for me, and I feel good for the most part. The most significant challenge in my sobriety has and is my still-active alcoholic husband. His drinking around me has not caused me to want to drink, but more and more lately, he has been leaving home and hanging out at his favorite bar. While he says he supports my sobriety and is "proud" of me, his drinking is getting worse. He has spent the last 5 out of 7 days hanging out at his favorite bar for 8+ hours a day. Last night, he left here at 6 pm and didn't get home until 3 am, hammered to the gills. Then he gets up in the morning and acts like nothing has happened. He knows this hurts me, and he knows that his doing this is one of my triggers (I get really pissed off that he's gone, so I want to drink and "show him"), but he does it anyway. I pleaded with him to stay home tonight because I've been sick for the past week, developed a fever last night, and really need him home tonight so I can get a break. We have two teenagers, one of whom has autism, so I have been stretched really thin during this past week of his bar binges, and I need some time to rest and regroup. He said he would stay home ...

As an alcoholic myself, I "get" his addiction and realize that he is powerless against his own. It causes him to do things that he knows are hurtful and selfish, but he does them anyway. I am stuck between wanting to make him accountable and yet knowing that because he is still in the grips of his addiction, he won't do the "right" things and won't listen to me no matter how much I beg and plead. This has been a tough week because his many hours at the bar have been triggering my wanting to drink ... thankfully, I haven't caved, but it makes me wonder if he WANTS me to drink again. We were "drinking buddies" for a very long time, and now he no longer has his drinking buddy, so perhaps he's looking for another one (or several) in a bar. I get that. My AA buddies told me this would happen. There's been a lot of paranoia on his part since I got sober, even though he tells me he is proud of me and likes who I am sober. Whenever I go to my AA meetings, he says, "Well, have fun with your sober boyfriends." He makes it sound like he's teasing, but I know there is an element of seriousness there.

I'm sure he feels threatened by my sobriety because it's making him take a look at himself and he doesn't like what he sees. I am definitely sure he is afraid of losing me. And I think there's a part of him that's jealous too - I'm reaching for a better life and he's not. I know where he's living ... been there, done that, and I know how it feels, so I'm trying very hard not to be critical and self-righteous. But it hurts me to see him hurting himself and hurting our family. Funny how I didn't see it when we were both drinking and it took getting sober to see it.

I guess I don't really know what I'm asking for here, just venting for the most part. We've known each other 33 years and been married 20 years this June. Aside from his drinking, he is a wonderful human being. Generous to a fault, big-hearted, forgiving (he put up with a LOT from me when I was drinking), funny, would do anything for me. Except get sober. Divorce is not an option, although I have considered it in the past because I didn't know what else to do to "wake him up." But living this way isn't an option either.

I know my main focus right now should be on my sobriety and nothing else. If I put anything or anyone before my sobriety, I will fail. I don't want to condemn my husband, but I don't want to enable him either. I feel like I'm walking a very thin line here. I know he is suffering silently, and I know he doesn't like the way he's living. He feels hopelessly stuck, and I get how he feels because I've been there too. Interesting how my getting sober has enabled me to see things I've never seen before in him. It breaks my heart that he is living this way. I know he's not happy about it, but like I used to feel, he feels stuck.

Thank you for the vent ... it helps to get it out.

Dee74

hey desertsong

I dunno about your hubby but some of my drinking mates definitely wanted me to drink again...it wasn't malicious I don't think...they just didn't like the change...I think it scared them.

It's tough when a partner still drinks - especially to excess...but it's not a dealbreaker.
You find a lot of people here in the same situation.

You could find support in our Family and Friends forum too
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

choublak

Maybe give al-anon a try?

2granddaughters

AA is a great answer for the alcoholic in despair.....
and Al-Anon is a great answer for someone who has to deal with an alcoholic.

Quite a few of my AA friends attend Al-Anon as well because their partners are alcoholics.
Makes sense, doesn't it ??!!

Best wishes.

Bob R.

desertsong

I was told that doing AA and Al-Anon at the same time might be too much for me to handle at once, especially since I'm so early in my sobriety. Good advice or not? All I know is that I have all I can handle right now trying to keep myself sober, let alone worry about a husband who is still actively alcoholic. But if it will help, I'm willing to give it a try.

GirlFromCO

Hi DS,

I'm sorry about what you're going through. That was a really remarkable post - really insightful. I don't think I have any words of wisdom to offer, but I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with the board. Some of your observations about your husband have helped me get a better perspective on things I've personally been experiencing lately.

Thanks

2granddaughters

AA is for you.. and Al-Anon is for you.

flutter

I'm sure both types of meetings would be helpful. Some of the most difficult parts of my recovery have been the life changes I've made to protect my serenity. I personally choose not to keep active addicts or alcoholics in my life.

desertsong

I wish it were that easy, Flutter. If I weren't married to him for so long and had two children with him, it would be different. I know his heart and it is a good heart. He is just lost, as I was. Unless something really awful happens (which I don't want to think about), I'm not ready to leave as yet. I never gave up hope on myself ... I don't want to give up hope on him either. He knows he has a problem, admits he is an alcoholic, but he says he isn't ready to get sober yet. I get that. If life with him was a living hell, believe me, I'd be making other arrangements. But he is a good man ... just lost. I feel I owe it to him to hang in there for now, considering he hung in there with me when I was at my worst. My being sober has definitely been a good example for him ... he likes what he sees and I know he wants this life for himself. He is still lost, but I know he wants a different life. That's why I'm staying. If he didn't care and flipped the finger at my sobriety, it would be different.

Anna

Hi Desertsong,

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this situation. I really hope that you continue to focus on yourself and your recovery. You don't need to make any decisions right now about the future, but it seems like it will be a difficult road for you living with an active alcoholic.

flutter

I've come back to edit this post like 5 times and can't decide what to say.. so I'll just wish you the best in your recovery, I'm glad you're posting here..

1undone

I know many spouses who have attended both meetings but usually AA first for themselves but it's not to say you couldn't. . Maybe go and see what it's like???

Sapling

He's lucky to have you...All you can do is take care of you...Pray that he comes along for the ride....Maybe he will one day. I hope that for the both of you.....I'll throw in a prayer for you two.

jocata

Pray that he hits that point of deparation that we all have to get to before we finally make the decision to get sober. Remember, he is watching you and your sobriety closely. Be a good example for the program. You drinking again will only make things much worse for you, him, and your children.

Don't give up your sobriety for anything.

God bless.

sadsoul2011

(((Desertsong)))

Hope you're getting some much needed rest tonight. I can relate to your situation; I also have a husband who drinks alot and is still a good man. You have a great way with words - you explained your situation so eloquently and better than I ever could.

Being sober with a drinking spouse be most difficult at times - especially early on - but it does have the potential to get better. It has for me. You hit the nail on the head with many of the potential reasons that your husband is having a hard time with your sobriety....I've never been able to figure out exactly what bothers my husband the most....

However, I've just stayed my course. So far I've been using AVRT and SR as my support and I'm at about 3.5 months. In the beginning I used my husband's "wierd" behavior as more motivation to stay sober. What I've found is that my sobriety may be rubbing off on him. At first he got worse, but as time has gone on he has gotten better and is definitely drinking a lot less than he was.

My plan has been to stay sober and not talk much about my sobriety. I've just been improving my life and how I feel and letting my actions speak for themselves. So far it is working pretty well for me. I'm feeling so, so much better in every way! If it helps my husband that is a bonus (that I'm happy about of course).

So hang in there. You're doing so incredibly well!!! What an awesome example you are for your entire family. Your kids must be very proud of you! You can only control what you do and think and you're doing amazing in that department!!

Keep posting and letting us know how you're doing!

choublak

The point of Al-Anon isn't to worry about your husband, it's to not worry about him.

Sapling

If I could give anybody suffering from alcoholism one thing only...It would be the gift of desperation.

artsoul

Wow - I'm so proud of you for staying sober. For sure, your husband is thinking a lot about this and doing what we all did when faced with unpleasant feelings. Hopefully, he'll soon realize that sitting in a bar every night really isn't what he wants.

In the meantime, think about the wonderful example you're setting, and that especially goes for your children. Just remember to find time/space for you, OK?:ghug3

instant

Desert song.
I hope you can find the strength to continue on your path, and your husband finds the courage to follow you.

One of the factors in my decision to quit was that my wife was leaving me behind whilst I drank myself further into the abyss. It took me time, too long, but I am here.

CaiHong

Hi Desertsong,

I hope that your husband comes quickly to the realization that you have about alcohol. I like sadsouls post, seting an example.
I feel for you and hope for the best outcome.

CaiHong